Saturday, October 20, 2018

Cryptic, Chilling and Confusing

What the hell did I just read??? A certain someone I accidentally messaged on Facebook not only misunderstood what I meant when I said I "didn't want any drama," but they also have me very confused at the moment. I don't get some of what they said. It's like they weren't making much sense, though I get that writing isn't their thing.

"Guess again, Jodi?"

Guess what?

They're well aware of the dream premonitions I've had throughout the years and my concerns for when they're 62. Well, that's less than a year from now and they're hinting at something bad. Something very bad. But because they're not exactly spelling anything out specifically, I'm going to assume they're just having a rough time and try not to worry. Even I feel like I'm not going to be around much longer at times. Hell, I wonder if I'll survive the upcoming meds experiment! *bites nails fearfully*

They once told her she would die from cervical cancer but she didn't. Of course, "not being around for long" could also mean she's planning to deactivate on Facebook or block me. I think she knew what I meant when I said I didn't want any drama and that she would have told me if she had been given a terminal prognosis. I'd certainly hope so anyway. I'm sorry if they misunderstood anything I may have said along the way. But you know how it is, we can tell someone the facts but we can't always guarantee they're going to get it or that they won't misunderstand for some reason. No drama means I don't want to fight, bicker or argue with not just them but with anyone. I'm getting too old for that shit.

As for their kids...last time I'll say this: I'm sorry if anything I ever said or did hurt them which was never my intention, I've already apologized, and I still have a right to post what I want without being called out on it just like they do.

Meanwhile, will a certain someone ever apologize for wrongly calling me a liar and going ballistic on me over a simple misunderstanding they had with someone who was bordering on dementia before they died when they could've politely and kindly asked me about it in a civilized manner? Apparently not. But that's okay. I'm done with bickering over petty shit that happened years ago, so yeah, I don't want any drama. I have enough going on in my own life right now that needs to be dealt with. Besides, it's okay to hurt me. My feelings don't matter.

If their kids have what I'm told they have, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I don't want anyone to suffer. But while they may suck to have to deal with, and scary, they can be taken care of. 50 years ago, maybe not.

Since I already posted today I'll schedule this to post tomorrow morning.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Shut Up, Pit Gland!

Managed to get through yesterday without feeling anxious and I'm doing okay today as well. Not great, but okay. Even when I'm not actually anxious I'm still stressed out and worried about the upcoming experiment and sometimes just worrying about being anxious can be bad enough. However, my bounding pulse is more noticeable today than anxiety. Definitely gotta ask my PCP about that in December. It's getting old.

The experiment may start Wednesday or Thursday instead of Friday because of a slight change in his schedule. He may work at home Saturday night.

It really does seem like my whole problem has lied within my T4. This is what I've suspected all along too. It would explain why I go hyper while having hypo numbers, though my T4 was never actually hypo. I've always had a normal T4. It really does seem like my body feels best as long as my T4 remains at the very lower end of normal. I don't understand why my pituitary gland keeps screaming for more but I'm hoping that the T3 (Liothyronine) will shut it the hell up since the louder it screams the more of a risk there is of enlarging my thyroid.

Charlotte R was in my dreams last night. Since people have shown up in my dreams twice that I remember of right after they died, I checked the obits but she's still alive. She would be very old now in her mid to late 80s.

In the dream, my mother was alive and I was with both of them and maybe some others in my childhood home. I don't know if I was younger but my mother and Charlotte seemed like they were maybe in their 50s or 60s.

I came down the stairs dressed in pajamas and Charlotte looked at me funny and said something about suggesting a different style of pajamas or something like that.

"They're only PJs," I told her, with a dismissive wave of my hand.

Then she was looking from the living room into the kitchen but instead of a dining table being there, there were cabinets and shelves with some kind of boxes and containers.

"What the heck was that?" she asked and walked toward the boxes. Even though I didn't see any mice, she decided one was trapped inside one of the boxes. Then she said, "Well, that mouse wants out," and she started to adjust the boxes so it could get out.

"No, it doesn't," I assured her. "I know rats and mice may look similar but their behavior is different. I could tell you all the differences but that'd take too long and probably bore you. But I can assure you that mouse definitely does not want out."

Speaking of mice, when I went into my main office in the living room and connected to the large monitor, I still experience mouse jumping.  Was hoping the upgrade would stop the jerking motion but I really can't stand it in there anyway because of the loud daily landscaping that's much easier to hear in there. My God, though, how many fucking times a week can you mow the same blades of grass and how many times can you blow the same fucking leaves?

Even trash day is a big production here. As horrible as Phoenix was, they drove up, dumped the trash, and then they were gone. But now it's like they take forever, and as Tom said, they drive around aimlessly for no apparent reason.

We're going to be ordering groceries from Prime Now to try it out sometime soon. It's supposed to be same-day delivery.

Still waiting on the rat pillowcase from China. I guess it hasn't cleared Customs yet. It was in San Francisco last I knew.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Reapplying the Spell

Reapplying the Return to Sender spell today and started praying to a God I don’t know exists or if it even gives a shit about me if it does. So far I’m oddly and wonderfully calm. I don’t know what to think at this point. I really don’t. I truly don’t understand why it’s so erratic. Why do I go hyper with hypo numbers? Again I wonder if there could be something else wrong with me that we don’t know about but that’s hard to believe with all the tests I’ve had done. Tom doesn’t think anything else is wrong either.
I’d like to look into acupuncture some more. I doubt our insurance covers that but if I knew it would work, we would pay for it.
Because I stupidly removed the earbuds thinking I was getting up sooner than I did, traffic woke me up twice. Still slept better, feel more refreshed though not exactly bursting with energy, and the best thing is that I don’t remember a single dream from last night. Skin’s better too, so it was probably just a lotion thing. Regardless of her recommendations, Curél is still what my skin likes best.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018


So much for thinking that only the nights bring out the depression in me because I'm pretty down right now. Yesterday I felt good but today I've got a lot of fatigue and my legs are sore as hell from the HIIT routine I did. I started to feel traces of anxiety and I even got a little teary-eyed because the upcoming Liothyronine experiment has me stressed out.

I'm just afraid of my worst fears being realized in the end where I'm stuck with this for life and we can never figure out what it is or how to fix it. That's my worst fear right now. In some ways, this fear is greater than death itself, which has always been one of my greatest fears. I'm worried that because I floated up to where I was just bubbling underneath the surface of anxiety today that it could mean I'm in for an anxious day tomorrow. Especially if the problem is the medication itself because now I'm taking it more often even if it's a lower dose.

If this shit ever does go away I would need a good six months, preferably a year, before I could finally let out a long sigh of relief and declare victory over this demon. A few months isn't enough when life has had a way of yanking the carpet out from under my feet when things run smoothly for a few weeks/months.

Hair and skin are dry, appetite's down, but that's the least of my concerns right now. Keeping a daily log on Google Docs for my doc.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

A Week of 50mcg

It was with mixed emotions that I returned to my endocrinologist yesterday. She's a great lady who may be one of the smartest doctors I've ever known, but I would have preferred never to have to see her again on account of the on-and-off anxiety I've suffered for over 4 years now. Just when I think it's gone for good (along with my period) back it comes with a vengeance!

I left her office not so much feeling relieved but definitely feeling both nervous and hopeful. I don't know how confident she is that the new regimen will help and I didn't think to ask. All she said was that she hoped it would help since she's been surprised with others who have responded better to Liothyronine. She said that due to the anxiety I've had she had been hesitant to try me on it. She wouldn't want to try me on Armour because it's too much, she said. I've heard that because it's pig thyroid it's not as consistent as the synthetic version.

I am to drop to 50 micrograms for one week and then add 5 micrograms of the Liothyronine. Yes, I'm nervous about it, but as I told her, I've gotten pretty desperate and I need to try whatever I can possibly try. I guess that if worse comes to worse I'll have to take just 50 micrograms of Levothyroxine only and leave it at that. I would be so devastated if I started having problems on that but as far as I remember, I didn't have problems the last time I was on 50s. If I could just go more than 6 months without anxiety, then I could begin to think maybe we've figured out and solved the problem.

As I also told her, I'm doing better overall than I was in 2014-2015, but why this comes and goes when my numbers have never shown me to be hyper, we have no idea. I didn't seem to have anything wrong with my pituitary or adrenal glands when she checked them way back when, so I'm still thinking that the main culprit is probably what I've always suspected, something about the medication itself. It's too extreme for perimenopause and I can't believe I would just up and become this way for no reason and so late in life.

Anyway, I went to the lab right after I saw her which was on the main floor of the building. Despite the horrible traffic to and from the place at least it has a lab in the building. I'm to return there and to see her in a couple months.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Butterfly Betta

We got a beautiful blue male butterfly betta at Petco yesterday. He seems much healthier and much more alert and curious than Flaky did. He’s a very nimble swimmer and this time around we went with no gravel at all and wish we’d done that from the get-go. They definitely seem to like this better because the bottom is smooth for them to rest on and there’s no worrying about their delicate fins being dragged along the rough gravel or torn. He does have his leaf hammock and a few artificial plants, though. We may eventually add a hideaway as long as he lives. After losing the other one in just a week, we want to make sure this one fares well. As it was, one of the many betta fish at the store was dead.
Flaky was beautiful but this one’s even more beautiful and twice as expensive. Like with Flaky he has a dark blue-black head with a royal blue body and the tips of his fins, unlike Flaky’s, are white. No hints of green or red hues like Flaky had, though. He’s more of a vivid electric blue. Within a day he was swimming up for the flakes of food I would drop in for him. He’s not nearly as shy as Flaky started off to be. He’s got his bubble game on, so I’d say he’s definitely happy.
Tom decided that rather than pay $600 to get a hearing aid that only they can control and that he can’t set up and adjust on his own, he’s going to get these things called Hearphones for $500 on Amazon that he can tweak himself at any time. In fact, they’re coming today. They’re crossovers that will hopefully help with distortion. He says they may even help me in noisy situations. If I’m in a noisy store or restaurant, it can be hard to hear him. I hear him, I just don’t always understand what he’s saying but he does talk softly.
Yesterday morning we went to Sam’s Club before we got the betta and for $20 I decided to get this kids’ chemistry kit where you make your own perfume, lip gloss and bath bombs. Making the perfume was simple enough but the shitty instructions caused me to screw up the lip gloss. Not only that but the roller ball in the bottles don’t work well. I hate that when roller balls get stuck!
Haven’t attempted the bath bombs yet.
We updated my computer from Sierra to Mojave and so far it seems to help with the mouse jumping. When hooked up to my large monitor, it was causing a herky-jerky motion of the mouse. It could still start up at some point but so far so good.
“You’ve already shared that dog pic,” someone said on my LR Ask account.
Andy? Hmm… My friend says it’s not her so could it be that German-speaking nurse in Serbia? But Tatiana usually asks me questions in German, if she does, and that doesn’t seem like something she would say. But Andy definitely would.
The thing is that I already shared the dog pic on my DI account. Not LR. So it’s someone who’s aware of both accounts. To my knowledge, this could only be Andy, Aly or Tatiana. I just didn’t think Andy would remember my LR account or even his login to his own original Ask account. He either logged into his first account where he would probably still be following LR and noticed I was using it again, or he remembers that account. He may also have been following it from his second Ask account, though, now that I think of it.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Appointment and GloFish

Really like the last perfume sample I got by Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s the best one yet.
I did some research and it seems like what I have maybe called a bounding pulse. There can be many reasons for it but it definitely seems like my main problem is sodium. The more I have, the more my blood pressure spikes and the more I feel and notice the pulse in the side of my neck. I don’t know why my body is reacting this way lately to sodium but I guess it’s just age.
My appointment yesterday went well. My PA can see the improvement with my skin and there’s a chance it may be curable after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up but there was a study done where a handful of people used Tacrolimus for 10 months and went into remission. The thing is that the PA doesn’t know when the study was done and how long the participants remained in remission. She said if I don’t hear from her in 2 weeks to call her for more info. She’s going to check into it for me.
For now she recommends moisturizing cream as opposed to lotion. I didn’t know there was a difference between the two but I guess lotion has more alcohol in it and can be more drying. She gave me a goody bag with all kinds of samples. I have like 4-5 different products and a total of 20 samples to try.
She checked the red spot on my shoulder and doesn’t think it looks suspicious. I told her about the one my PCP froze with liquid nitrogen. She said if it becomes a problem she can freeze it off but doesn’t think it’s any big deal. She looked at the sprinkling of “zits” on my upper arm which is very hard to see but I can feel. It’s that actinic keratosis. This is similar to what I had on my back but I don’t think they’ll become the same problem that will need a blast of liquid nitrogen. She wasn’t worried about it.
I go back for a follow-up in June.
Looking forward to this cute white pond fairy with really long auburn hair on Saturday. We also got things in preparation for whatever new fish we end up getting this weekend which could be a betta, tetras or both. There is actually a type of tetra that can live with bettas just fine. I really like the GloFish. Our 3-gallon tank would be a little small for the bigger ones but Danios would be fine if we found some we liked.
The Brita water filter pitcher arrived and I wish I’d gotten it a long time ago! It makes the tap water almost completely tasteless like our bottled water. I think I’m going to use it in the Keurig and the fish tank along with a special chemical you add to make the water even safer for fish, but I will continue to drink bottled water and use that for the plants and rats as well. After doing some research, I found that filtered water should be fine for fish. Besides, the tank has its own filter as well. He printed out a screen to keep them from getting sucked into the bottom of it and we also ordered a new heater.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

RIP Flaky

I’ve had a definite rough night and it has nothing to do with anxiety, fatigue, or anything like that. Instead, we lost Flaky.
When I got up I noticed his “tail” caught in the filter. I immediately ran and unplugged the filter and thought he would be okay. However, he struggled to rise from the floor of the tank. All he could do was sort of slither along the bottom. I thought he was a bit injured and perhaps a bit in shock as well but would eventually recover.
With him in the kitchen, I returned to the bedroom where my laptop was and heard this strange knocking sound I’ve never heard before. My immediate thought was that it was some kind of nocturnal animal underneath the house. A skunk, a possum, a raccoon… I didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later I heard it again but still didn’t think much of it. Then I went back into the kitchen to find him gone.
Although I always try to be a realist in that I look for scientific proof and evidence in things and try not to assume anything based on wishful thinking, I thought of the knocking and wondered if it could possibly be his way of saying goodbye. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife but it was definitely a weird coincidence and I haven’t heard the knocking again since. I would think there’s some kind of logical explanation for it but I’ll just have to wait and see if I hear it again.
Then Tom got up who didn’t get home until after I crashed yesterday. He told me he was sure he didn’t die because he got caught in the filter but because he was having trouble swimming and that’s why he got caught in the filter. He thinks something was wrong with him when he got home. He was acting sick and like he was having trouble swimming.
I took a shower and we went for a walk. Now, when I got up I wasn’t having any bleeding and thought my period might have been over as of yesterday even though that’s not what my still sore boobies were telling me. Sure enough, after we went walking, mixing in a bit of running, it ended up causing me to flow like a river. It’s beyond frustrating and disappointing but it is just my shit luck and now I realize that not only does this reset the one-year clock I was within 6 weeks of hitting, but that I’m anything but menopausal. I may not be for several years to come. Although unlikely, it really is possible to get a period every so often throughout most of your 50s. I did read that no one in their 60s has ever had periods so that’s good.
I also realize this still leaves my hormones wide open to affecting my moods. I still believe the medication is the main culprit and I always have but now I realize that some of the anxiety could be attributed to that. I just hope it’s a little longer before my next period, and yes, there will be a next one. I know better now. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be in the perimenopause stage for quite some time to come even though I just read that the average woman in the U.S. has her final period at age 52 and I’m still 52.
That isn’t it. Oh no, there’s been quite a bit of action today. I nearly burned the fucking house down. I don’t know why I did something so stupid but I took the filter and heater out of the tank, forgetting to unplug them first, and placed them on a towel because they were wet. Then I dumped the 3-gallon tank and suddenly I could smell burning plastic. That was when I looked and saw smoke coming from the heater which I immediately yanked out of the plug and doused with water in the sink. My lungs are a bit tight now. Glad I have an inhaler but I shouldn’t need it!
I am seriously beginning to wonder if something is trying to stop us from having fish. And then I had this crazy thought about our beloved long gone but never forgotten Tinkerbell, and it’s not the first time I’ve had this thought either. We’ve had such shitty luck with pets overall since coming to this state 11 years ago that a part of me wonders if there is an afterlife and if she is there saying, “Oh no, I was the queen. No pets allowed that are even remotely as good as I was!”
Tinkerboy was a good rat and Sugar was an outstanding one but then he had a stroke. And now this friendly little fish is gone. What, was Tinkerbell up there thinking he was too friendly to be our pet that he must be replaced with a timid fish that always runs and hides whenever we walk in the room? Again, I’ve always tried to be a realist, logical and base things on science and don’t see how an afterlife or reincarnation is very plausible. But every now and then some weird things happen that make me wonder. I mean, I’m proof that people can have dream premonitions yet there’s no explanation for knowing the unknown, is there?
I wonder why my dreams didn’t warn me about Flaky but I certainly don’t see everything coming my way. I did have a dream my parents were alive and we were hanging out with Sesame Street’s Big Bird. As some of you know, I was friends with his adopted daughter Jessica during middle school and in my 20s till we lost touch. Anyway, in the dream, I asked him to do his Big Bird voice for my parents and he did. Yet my parents didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

Monday, October 8, 2018

This Can't Be Happening!

I spaced out his plants, as you can see. He swam up right as I shot the pic. Thanks, Flakey!
Here we go again with my “gift” that I don’t exactly feel grateful for or see as a gift. I’m 52 years old, hadn’t had a period in nearly 11 months, and was pretty sure I’d hit menopause. On September 29th, I dreamed I told Stacey that I was so pissed to find I had a period starting after going nearly a year. Although the dream gave me a bad feeling and I knew deep down it meant something, I tried to push it out of my mind. But then a couple days ago I noticed I started feeling a bit PMSy. Can you guess what happened yesterday? Yeah, you guessed it. Now the dream is an official premonition. rolls eyes This is just one of many negative dream premonitions I’ve had over the years.
I said to Tom, “Why can’t I ever see good stuff coming in my dreams?” I just got an adorable kitty figurine from Amazon that I randomly spotted when browsing the site. Now why couldn’t I have dreamed of spotting a cute little kitty figurine, then spotting one for real as I did? LOL
So I went 6 or 7 months before a period, then 10.5 months, so maybe next time I’ll go 14-15 months.
I don’t think it means anything but I also dreamed that someone asked if I was scared and my dream self automatically knew I had terminal cancer. I just said, “yup” in a matter of fact tone of voice.
Not the kind of dream a person like me wants to have (or even non-psychics) but I really don’t think it means anything.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Betta Plants

Our betta with his new plants and leaf hammock, plus a good shot of him as well. :)
From above.
The last of the bamboos (for a while anyway).

Flaky, as I’ve been calling the betta because of the way he prefers flakes to pellets, now has some artificial plants and a leaf hammock in his tank. So far he seems unimpressed with all of it. He probably just needs time to get used to it. It seemed to take him a while to get used to his brightly colored gravel. I guess bright colors can stress some fish out. I probably should have gotten neutral colored gravel since that is what they’re used to in the wild, after all.
He warmed up to me rather quickly. He doesn’t seem to mind it at all when I stick my hand in the tank. He was actually more afraid of the damn plants than of me, LOL.
I also got my new kitty figurine and I totally love it! Very cute, realistic and life-size. They’re typically intended for gardens but I don’t want to throw something so beautiful outdoors to be spoiled by the elements. It’s just too adorable to eventually end up dirty and faded by the sunlight. The next one I want to get is a playful Jack Russell Terrier.
I also got the final round of bamboos to complete the organizer. I got 10 stalks and I’m not sure what they are. The rings are further apart than on the lotuses but they’re closer than on the regular bamboos. The leaves sort of resemble that of the lotus but are placed a little further down the stems.