Thursday, March 23, 2017

The End is Coming, Right?

I slept surprisingly well and I’m feeling good both physically and mentally. So since I can’t bitch about lost sleep today, how about the never-ending slew of appointments? Because of the burning sensation I was having (it stopped at the end of the second day) my GYN messaged me to recommend I get aquaphor barrier paste, which is found in the infant section. It’s an ointment similar to Vaseline. That’s what it looks and feels like anyway. It’s commonly used for diaper rash. She wants me to use this to help heal the skin in between steroid gel applications. Not only that, she wants to see me next week, so I’m going in on Wednesday.

Appointments, appointments, appointments! The end is coming, though, right? Someday the appointment craze really will come to a stop, won’t it? I’m realizing more and more I’m the one that’s going to have to make them not necessarily stop but slow down to a more reasonable amount for one my age. I’m not an old lady. Two PCP checkups, two dental checkups, two ENT checkups, and two eye exams a year is reasonable. The 50 million appointments in between have got to go. I’m just tired of them and the money they cost.

The question is where to make the break. I tell myself I’ll put my foot down between issues and say no to additional appointments and procedures they want me to have, but I never seem to be between issues. It’s either one after another or one that leads to another. I was supposed to simply get a female exam and ask her some questions. I definitely appreciate the help with the folliculitis, though, but even that turned into another appointment, and then the surgery she wants to do that I wasn’t expecting spawns yet another appointment, which will spawn yet another follow-up. Appointments really are like cockroaches; they multiply like crazy.

The only time I was a little bummed not to be returning to the dentist for half a year was last time because I really like Kathleen, haha.

Tom will be getting one of the smallest paychecks in quite a while. He may be getting more hourly but with the OT cut, it’s like he’s actually making less money. I’m sure the OT will be back soon enough, though.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Shake It Up!

First, thanks to those who have provided feedback on Locked-In on a couple sites. I didn’t think it would be this enjoyable despite Melissa’s threats to Katie’s family ringing a bit false, as one paid writer/editor pointed out.

Decided not to bother sleeping with just the air cleaner since that would really be asking to be woken up a lot more than I already am. Why make the problem worse? I think trying to adapt to sleeping through noise without much of a sound machine of sorts in the background would be like me trying to get tall. I am who I am, like it or not.

Sure enough, I was woken up a few times by loud traffic and even more from the perimenopause. I wasn’t having hot flashes or a racing heart. Perimenopause sometimes makes you wake up just because. I was able to get back to sleep relatively quickly and I ended up feeling rested enough.

I’m at the point now where I’m damn near ready to put the house on the market. When we first came here they had just started allowing the motorcycles in and so there weren’t that many back then. I also didn’t expect there to ever be that many because when you think of motorcycles you just don’t think of old people. I had no idea so many old people would ride them, come and go a million times a day, and have people coming and going to them a million times a day. I thought traffic here would be slow, quiet and sparse.

There’s one more thing we’re going to try. If it doesn’t work then yeah, we’re going to have to get a house on a quieter, less traveled street. There’s A, no cure for CRD, B, seemingly no cure for light sleepers either, and C, way too many motorcycles in this mistake of a state. I would really rather not have to have the hassle of moving, though, as noisy as it is here. I would still prefer to stay here for the 6-10 more years he’ll be working and then just leave the state altogether.

Poor Tammy, though, LOL. Would I really be that much fun if we were neighbors when half the time we’ll be on opposite schedules? Then again, we wouldn’t expect to see each other every day and I’m sure she’d understand, especially being a person with medical training, but no matter who your neighbor is, it’s a very debilitating thing to live with in general. Anything is better than anxiety. Anything. Literally. No joke. I’d rather be sleep deprived every single day than anxious once in a while. But the schedule(less) part of it makes life rough. You can’t work a regularly scheduled job, it’s often a fight to get on schedule for appointments, and just an overall pain in the ass. The only good in it is the peacefulness of the nighttime when I’m up during those hours. All I hear right now is the semi-faint hiss of freeway traffic.

In my last entry I mentioned the old kick-ass air cleaner that sat on my headboard shelf up in Oregon. It was not only kinda loud, but it vibrated the frame of the bed, which helped mask the car stereos. Yeah, here it’s mostly motorcycles. There it was mostly car stereos. I doubt many people have motorcycles there. That was a climate that almost made New England seem toasty in comparison. For some reason the elevation aggravated my ear, which I now know is jaw joint arthritis, and Tom had trouble breathing at first because the air is thinner that high up at over 5000 feet.

So vibration… the missing element to my multi-sound machine setup. And what did we do? Well, after researching better earplugs (there aren’t any), we decided why not “shake” things up a bit? For 50 bucks you can get this thing you put under your mattress that makes the bed vibrate, LOL. Tom thinks it would be really cool to have regardless. So did we order it? Well, of course! A couple of technology junkies with money; a vibrating bed is a must, haha. I don’t know if it will run indefinitely, but we’ll hardwire it if it doesn’t. That is, assuming it helps. Even if there were no motorcycles, all it takes is one thunderously loud car like that fucking Firebird that just has to come and go no less than 2-3 times a day. I was sitting at my desk when it left on its last run of the day and I could feel the vibration under my feet, and this is with them resting on a Wii board since my legs are too short to rest comfortably on the floor, even with the chair as low as it will go. Then I was lying in bed after a long workout resting up and I could feel the bed vibrate when it roared by the bedroom. I miss being on concrete foundations!

After 6 PM, I walked the entire perimeter, which is approximately 2 miles and it took me 36 minutes running about a third of the way. There was a light drizzle when I first went out that stopped after a few minutes. Directly overhead were rain clouds, but off to the south the sky was clear and blue. About 20-25 minutes in and the rain pummeled down on me, but I didn’t mind. It wasn’t any colder than the air. By the time I got back I was half drenched and my hands were cold, but it was still fun. I’m just glad I didn’t straighten my hair, LOL.

There’s this house that has this cute little miniature wooden bench hanging from a pole, and every time I pass it I’m tempted to pull an old Barbie doll out of my retired collection and sit her on it when I’m out late some night as the weather warms up. Give them a real WTF? moment. LOL, I may retire my doll collection but my mischievous side will never retire. *Grins wickedly*

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


Although Sense said my sleep score was only 76, I actually slept well and feel better rested than I did yesterday. The problem is that it thinks I always sleep at night. Also, if I relax in bed for a half-hour listening to audiobooks, that confuses it as well. We’re definitely going to return it as soon as we get a box to ship it back in, and let them know it doesn’t work for people with sleep disorders.

I realized what element is missing from my sound machine that I had in Oregon that allowed me to sleep with all those damn car stereos they had up there which seemed more in abundance than the motorcycles we have here. The road is closer to the bedroom here, but as most people know, car stereos are ferociously loud and just as obnoxious as motorcycles, if not more. Yet I managed to sleep through them on account of what I’m pretty sure was the air cleaner we had on the headboard shelf. This was an air cleaner we got the late 90s and it was loud and sort of vibrated anything it sat on. Well, I think that slight vibration is what helped drown out the vibration of the base thumping down the street. But they don’t make them so loud and vibrant these days. They want everything indoors to run quieter so we can hear the world outside which only gets louder.

What's the point of requesting a new appointment online if they're just going to call and ask you to call them to schedule one? Most of us prefer the convenience of the digital world, not old school phone calls. I thought they would reply to my message request for an appointment with a date or a handful of available dates to choose from. But if I’d know they were just going to ask me to call to schedule I would have done that from the get-go.

Also, what’s the point of telling someone to call you when you don’t answer the phone? I tried to get through twice but they kept me on hold forever and I finally gave up. I’ve never had that problem with these people before. Last night I noticed I started burning down there after a scheduled steroid treatment and today the burning is worse. So if I can ever get through to them, I’ll ask what to do about it, but I’m sure that whoever I talk to will tell me they’ll ask the doctor about it and then I’ll never hear about it unless I contact the doctor online.

I’m just tired of having one problem after another! How am I ever going to slow down these appointments when all I do is have problems? Seriously, is there a drug in the world I can take without issues stemming from it? This is a topical medication. I probably really did use too much, though, those times I felt fatigued and thirsty afterwards. You really do have to use an ultra thin layer of the stuff. From what I read, it can occasionally go through the skin and into the bloodstream, which is probably what happened.

On the positive side, I enjoyed my walk. I went out when the sun was down real low but not blinding. Hope I get to do it again soon. Rarely do the weather and temperatures line up with my schedule and energy levels. I’d be able to mix in more running more often if I could just be more regular about it. I’m in good shape, yes, but I could be in even better shape if I could get out there more. At least I only have one section left to clean in here because I doubt I’ll sleep well tomorrow. Then again I might because there shouldn’t be motorcycles due to the rain. But if I’m tired, or worse… anxious, at least there won’t be much more to do.

I had a dream I was walking through a grocery store alone. I passed by a little girl with her parents and out to a parked bus with several older women waiting around it. Half of them wore these white robes. My dream self suspected that it was for some kind of religious ceremony and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get on the bus or not because I couldn’t get anyone to tell me where it was heading.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Sleep Score = 75 :-(

Once again I slept horribly, and my sleep score was 75. It turns out that the air quality was never bad, though, so I don’t know why we thought it was saying that at first. I just know that Sense is a hell of a lot deafer than Alexa. Alexa almost always responds when I summon her, but not this thing. Definitely going to return it for that and a few other reasons.

I am really, REALLY getting sick of not sleeping half the time. I’d not only feel better, but I’d work out more than I do if I wasn’t so damn tired so much of the time. First I had a bad dream involving Kathleen and was hot flashing, and then loud traffic woke me up several times.

I will never EVER again live so close to a street again, let alone such a busy one. Phoenix was much noisier overall, but I actually slept better there than I do here and that was with just a box fan. And it wasn’t close to me either. It was on the other side of the room, which was pretty big. Here I sleep with two different sound machines, an earplug in my good ear, plus the air cleaner and I STILL get woken up. It’s fucking ridiculous. But Phoenix wasn’t practically on top of the street, and that house was on a slab foundation, not that I miss the place. I even asked Tom the other day… if we’d liked the house and we’d had decent neighbors, do you think we’d still be there? He thinks we would have gotten antsy because of the adventurers we are. No doubt! Nothing wrong with staying put if that’s your thing, but after a decade or so, we’re gone. The problem is we’re pretty much grounded here until he retires and that’s in about 6-10 years, depending on money, the economy, our health, etc.

Excluding hotels, I’ve gotten the shittiest sleep in this place of all the places he and I have ever lived together, and that’s been three houses, one trailer and one duplex, all in three different states.

Again, it’s just fucking ridiculous. I know part of my problem is the perimenopause as well as my tendency for nightmares and the CRD, and not just so many loud vehicles zooming so close to the bedroom.

I’ve had sleep issues all my life. If God were real I could hate Him just for letting me sleep so shitty for so long, but being a super light sleeper actually started when I quit the psych meds I used to take daily in my teens and 20s. Before the psych meds, I had trouble falling asleep and I would be exhausted when my alarm went off for school, but I still slept when I slept. I didn’t even wake up to loud sounds let alone someone sneezing in the next state. Something changed upon quitting the meds in 1990. I quit because I was addicted to them, I knew I didn’t need them anymore, and I knew they were actually doing me more harm than good. Little did I know just how much harm! So thank you, Dureen, for handing what was actually a very normal and typical adolescent over to the “experts” so they could make everything just wonderful.

I can’t undo the past ignorance that has helped put me where I am today, but I can try to figure out how to get back to where I was before the psych meds entered the picture and screwed everything up. Maybe I’m approaching it all wrong. Maybe adding various sound machines to try to drown out the noise isn’t the right thing to do. Maybe the only way to get myself to adapt to sleeping in noisy environments is to turn it all off altogether. Well, everything but the air cleaner which is pretty defenseless against the loud and even the medium sounds anyway. I was talking about it with Tom, and he said the only way I’m going to know is to actually try it cuz everyone’s different.

Makes sense to me. The only thing I know we can’t adapt to is less sleep. I’d love to be able to “train” my body to sleep just a few hours, but that’s not going to happen. But can I go back to that place I was at before the psych meds? Well, believe it or not I’m appointment-free until May 4, so I guess we’ll find out. Tom said he’s always heard that if the body’s that tired it will sleep. I just know that waking up because you have a nightmare or perimenopause is one thing, but the slightest change in sound waking you up is another. Nobody should be this slight of a sleeper. Nobody. If this experiment is a bust, then I guess I’ll keep doing what I have been doing which is basically the only thing I can do… get what sleep I can get whenever I can get it. As for exercising… fuck it. Why bother with something I’m too tired to stick to so much of the time?

My dreams were numerous, as is common when I don’t sleep well. I decided to throw Kathleen in April’s CampNano story (but not kill her), assuming I have enough energy to hit their minimum word count requirement of 30K. Because she’s been on my mind, she’ll be a “dream person” for a while. You know I always base at least one character on someone I know or know of.

Kathleen wasn’t very nice to me for her first guest appearance in my dreams. I went to the office and she made me use this horrible tasting mouthwash. Because I couldn’t speak, I began to sign to her. She slowly smiled one of those smiles that’s almost a smirk, as if she found my signing to her funny or cute. Then she told me to spit the mouthwash out. So I spit it out and told her that it tasted like “burnt pineapples about to explode.” LOL

Then Tom and I lived in a multi-story house. I was sitting on the hardwood floor on the upper level. In one corner there were these grooves in the floor where I could see down to the floor below. I told Tom not to step there in case the corner broke and he fell through.

In the last dream I was able to remember, I was either leaving a voice message or writing a message letting my parents know that I had set up some kind of account for them and would soon pass along password and other information to them.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Better Sleep Score

I slept much better last night and it reflects in my sleep score, which jumped from 76 to 80. I’m back up to full energy and keeping busy.

We went to Walgreen’s to grab some things that Walmart didn’t have, and I grabbed a cute $10 dress along the way. It’s summery with short sleeves and the perfect fit. I tried it on in the store by slipping it over my rather formfitting running shirt.

It’s a beautiful day today, although a bit hazy which makes it a touch humid. We took the bikes out for the first time this year and rode down to the lake. It was great. I always love bike riding. I might go out walking later on after dark.

That’s it for now. Not much else to say other than that we changed the rats’ cage as we do on weekends. He did some weeding and programming. I’m going to dedicate the rest of the day and night to writing, audiobooks, and Netflix.

Auf wiedersehen!

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Not Worth It

Decided that I want to return Sense. It’s overpriced and not worth it. The sounds it plays are nice, but they don't drown out unwanted sounds.

I slept shitty as hell. It took me forever to fall back asleep after I was woken up the first time. Even with just one Tylenol p.m. to help me fall back asleep, I awoke groggy and feeling as if I’d only slept a couple hours.

My sleep score was 76, which isn’t very good. The app showed random noise spikes throughout the night and morning, but that could’ve been from me tossing and turning or a plane flying overhead.

It considered almost everything else just right… the barometric pressure, the lighting which is almost pitch-dark due to my blackout blinds, and the humidity. It thought it was too warm, though, and that the air quality was bad. Too much incense? The rats? Time to air it out, I guess.

I was dragging all day, but sure enough, as soon as the sun set I perked up. I swear I would be nocturnal if I could keep a schedule.

We’ll keep Sense for the rest of the month. Their Cosmos and Morpheus sounds are relaxing when I’m just kicking back. It’s nice to try, though, being the technology fanatics we are. Kick-ass Macs, 3-D printers, laser printers, Alexa, Dot… you name it, we have it. We don’t have an iPhone, though. We just have cheap androids because we don’t use the phones enough for them to be worth getting anything better.

The cosmetic organizer I got is awesome and fits perfectly in the bathroom drawer I put it in. Now I don’t have to dig through piles of shit to find whatever.

Our new electric pressure washer arrived today, and we can thank Trisha for that. It’s easy for me to say “ew” to some of the dark colors people paint their houses until I see how much dirt shows up beautifully on our white house. Everything needs to be cleaned… the exterior of the house, the carport, and the patio. We’ve been thinking about the best way to go about this, but realized it might be tough with a regular hose, and take a ton of water, too.

But then one afternoon we saw Trisha using a high-powered water hose to clean her walkway and decided that would be a great way to blast the dirt off our place. It actually uses less water as well, but it would be best to do it when it’s warmer because of the mist it kicks up.

Because I was so tired today I wasn’t able to work out. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t bother, since so much of the time I’m either tired or it’s too warm or too cold, and using the skier is boring. But I know that if I stop I’ll gain weight and whatever I gain will never come back off. Once I started working out again I would stop gaining, but I would be stuck for life with whatever I gained in the meantime. I wouldn’t lose much strength, since I’m naturally muscular, but I would lose my stamina and fall out of shape. I’d hate to get all out of breath doing something physical, and I know my cholesterol and estrogen would go up right along with my risk for diabetes. So I guess I just work out whenever I can.

Heard back from my GYN. She still thinks I should get the hysteroscopy to evaluate my irregular periods. Hmm… I thought we determined it was from perimenopause and that the reason for the procedure was to check for precancerous cells. She also suggested I keep using the steroid cream twice a week until I follow up with her, which she would like to do in May, and at that time she’ll decide whether or not I should keep using the cream.

I checked and found that there are actually several things that can cause irregular periods, including hypothyroidism, but I’m still not sure it’s worth putting myself through when chances are almost next to nil that I have anything wrong. That’s my gut feeling, anyway. Either way, I’m still trying to cut down my appointments, and having the surgery definitely wouldn’t be cutting them down. She would probably want me to do a follow-up for that too, adding yet another appointment.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were walking alongside a lake somewhere, though it wasn’t here. It seemed to be in a public park somewhere. I was listening to music with earbuds and after a while I realized he was no longer next to me. I stopped and looked behind me and found him several yards away. But as he caught up to me, he turned into a young girl, LOL, who stopped to talk to another young girl.

I turned and continued walking and that’s when I noticed that the lake was frozen and that there were baby ducks frozen into the surface of the lake as well. My dream self thought that because there were only baby ducks, their mothers must have neglected them.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Crazy Dreams

The weirdest dream I last had took place in a large crowded mall. I overheard a woman ask another woman (a security guard?) in surprise, “People live here at night?”

The woman nodded, and I sensed I was one of them.

Then I was outside. It was pitch dark and I was crawling alongside what I knew was a chain-link fence even though I couldn’t see a damn thing. I knew that right beyond the fence was a pool, and beyond that was the ocean. I couldn’t see anything at all and so I turned around and began to crawl back. This time I crawled along a street that was alive with the headlights of cars, hoping no one would notice me.

The scariest one took place in a small square house that was amazingly detailed. When I first woke up from this very vivid dream, I remembered how Stacey said that some people think “something’s going on” in their dreams. Like maybe they were dreams from past lives. I not only don’t believe in past lives, though, but if we dream about places that are new, then we couldn’t have been there in a past life. So that’s why I wouldn’t think they were memories of past lives even if I believed in reincarnation. But the dream made me wonder how my brain could conjure up such detail while asleep.

The house seemed somewhat old and definitely cramped and cluttered. Warm, cozy and lived in would be how most people would describe it. I’m not sure how many bedrooms the house had, but I knew that Nane was asleep in one of them. It seemed to be nighttime. I sat in the living room with two guys in their 20s or 30s. The square smallish room had hardwood floors, a large rug, and shelves filled with books on a couple of walls. One sat in a chair across from me while I sat on a couch next to the other guy who had thick wavy dark hair. The front door was to my right. The doorway to the rest of the house was in front of me, between the guy in the chair and the bookcase. A TV sat sort of between the bookcase and the end of the couch next to the guy.

I began to accuse the guy sitting next to me of raping me. I soon became nervous and walked out of the living room and into the small kitchen that had a sink and refrigerator to my left on the exterior wall, and a stove to my right. The guy followed me, adamantly denying raping me. My nerves began to turn to fear as I “looped” around back toward the living room by walking through the kitchen, a small hallway, and into what might have been a dining room sandwiched between the bedroom(s) and living room. I woke up trying to decide if I should wake up Nane or run back into the living room where the other guy was.


I’m finishing up the laundry now and taking it easy today. Oh, wait. I still have to order our groceries. I’ll do that after this entry.

Anyway, it’s been surprisingly quiet here today. I’m waiting on my new cosmetic organizer and the Sense that we ordered. Sense is the ultimate sleep monitor that includes things like noise and humidity sensors, and a sound machine that stops when the alarm goes off. That’s one of the negatives to having to sleep with the sound machine I have to sleep with. Occasionally I need to set an alarm to hold my schedule back (I can do this short-term) if I have an upcoming appointment or something else I need to be up for at a certain time. I would always worry that I wouldn’t hear the alarm over the sound machine. Not with Sense, though. Sense’s alarm starts off softly and then gets louder until it wakes you up. There’s this thing that clips to your pillow to detect restlessness, so the alarm may go off a little early if it thinks you had enough sleep. There’s an app that tallies your sleep score.

I had been sleeping well, but a nightmare woke me up last night, and then I just kept waking up for no apparent reason, which meant I was able to remember my dreams.

In one dream Tom had a toothache, though he Skyped me from work saying they were fine. Let’s hope they stay that way with his dental phobia!

In another dream I was watching a show filmed in Connecticut. One scene was shot through a vehicle window going down a street flanked by houses and I sensed a familiarity about the scene, like I’d been on that road before. I don’t know where in the state it was supposed to have been filmed.

I'll spare you guys the nightmare. :)

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Dentist Appointment

Continuing on with yesterday. I didn’t quite finish it in my last entry because I had to take off.

There isn’t much more to say other than that I almost threw up for the second time in 20 years. Funny thing is that I had mussels… just like I did the day I had food poisoning and puked my guts out. Maybe it wasn’t the chicken pot stickers after all. I had no problem with the mussels I had in Florida, but I’m never eating the damned things again.

So I woke up today, and guess who got her period 6 days late? At least I haven’t had any anxiety for two days now. I felt sooo much better today. You’d never believe I was the same person I was on Monday! I know to enjoy it while it lasts, because it isn’t going to last.

I messaged my GYN about how much longer to continue the steroid cream and when to make the follow-up appointment with her.

Had my teeth cleaned today. I love seeing them because they're so nice. H cleaned my teeth and fortunately I don’t have any cavities. What Tom thought was a cracked filling when I had him check where I was having some sensitivity was actually something that’s normal, but I forgot what she called it. A hairline fissure? Anyway, I had just a little plaque and tartar, but she could see that I’ve been keeping up on my teeth real well. Even I looked in the mirror at my smile just the other day and thought, “Wow, I look like I just came from the dentist and aren’t about to go to the dentist.” My smile may not be as white as I’d like, but it’s still pretty white.

H asked if I participated in a sleep study, and I said that I didn’t have to because there’s no cure for circadian rhythm disorder. She asked some questions about that out of curiosity. She has trouble falling asleep at times and can’t take melatonin because it gives her nightmares. Lucky her. I get nightmares for nothing, haha.

She put that varnish on my teeth, and then I got a new tube of my fluoride toothpaste on the way out with my goodie bag. This time it’s called Enamelon instead of Clinpro 2000. It’s a bigger tube but the same price.

Then I finally got to see the dentist after a whole year. I missed her. Seeing them is like seeing old friends. The only one I didn’t see was S. So it was nice to see them and to know that everything is okay, even if it’s still utterly freezing in there every time I go.

Not much in the way of dreams recently. I’ve been sleeping better lately, and it seems that the better I sleep, the less I dream. Or at least the less I remember of my dreams.

I was sitting at a long table with some people when this guy started complaining of chest pain. I wondered if he was having a heart attack, but then a second later he was fine.

Then I had a dream where Kim (crazy Kim in CT, not sane one in MA) was at an overnight party that I was also attending. Although she was still big and tall, she wasn’t nearly as heavy as she is in real life. Somehow I knew that she knew who I was, but that she didn’t know that I knew who she was. I decided it would be fun to play dumb and leave her in the dark. I purposely walked right up to her and struck up a conversation with her just to see how she would react, but the dream ended before much of anything could happen.

PCP Appt, Dining & Shopping

“A Mother scolds her child for talking to her imaginary friend that no one can see. Then she kneels down and prays to her own imaginary an invisible friend. See the hypocrisy?”

I do. Very much like my less than thin mother and her mother picking on those who also weren’t thin. Oh, but those kinds of people “do the best they can,” right? Seriously if saying mean and abusive things to people, especially their own children, was doing the best they could, I hate to think of them at their worst.

But hey, they’re gone, they can never hurt anyone again, and life does go on. :-)

I’m way behind on updating, so I’ll do what I can this morning as the Canadian geese go squawking by. You hear them at sunup and sundown.

I called the office on Monday just like I said I would, and was surprised when Tawny  answered. I thought she’d be gone by now. I told her about all the loud motorcycles coming and going, and as expected, she said there was nothing that could be done about them because they were considered a form of transportation. Yes, but there’s other, quieter forms of transportation that should be the only ones allowed in adult communities. She said she’d keep an eye out in this area for joyriders. I don’t think anyone’s joy riding through the park; I just think there are so damn many of them and that most people come and go multiple times a day no matter what vehicle they have. So if two people on the street blast in and out on a motorcycle up to three times a day. That’s a total of a dozen times I have to hear the fucking things roaring by the house.

All I can do is deal with it for the next decade or so, and then hope to hell we’ll get a place on a much less traveled street. Wish we could live in the country during the daytime in return to the city at night!

We set the bombs off before we left yesterday, and I had to wait outside when we returned as it aired out to obnoxiously loud landscaping equipment on the perimeter that I could hear all the way down to the mailboxes. By 8am, the shit began today and it just gets really old. I don’t understand how others can’t be just as annoyed by the racket that goes on several times throughout the day here.

Skipped my thyroid meds yesterday and had no anxiety, though I realize part of that was because Tom was around. The more I’m alone, the more anxious I tend to get. It’s so weird too, because I always used to love being alone. I don’t want to be a social butterfly and set myself up for potential trouble, but I definitely don’t like being alone as much as I used to. If his job requires him to travel, it should only be a few times a year and within the US, since the big shots have moved to the US, so I could go with him, since my sister’s sofa-bed is too far away.

I was a little wound up in the way that’s always been normal for me to get wound up when seeing doctors, and that isn’t the most god-awful feeling in the world like the anxiety I’ve been having. But yeah, the top number of my BP was 170, pulse 88. I’m sure it went back to normal when I left and it probably is right now as I write this.

The doctor, who was running a half hour late, told me what I figured she’d say… she doesn’t think it’s the medication. She thinks it’s likely the perimenopause. But can perimenopause really make a woman that anxious? I asked her, and she said yes. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before a few years ago. As I told her, I’ve had plenty of stressful moments in my life, but nothing like this. Monday was awful. I was anxious all day and then it was like I turned bipolar. I had fits of crying, and then I was so angry I wanted to put my fist through the wall.

So what are my options? Well, birth control is often used in these cases, but because I have high cholesterol, that’s not an option. Another is being fitted with an IUD, but that’s a scary thought. I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant things about IUDs. She mentioned an SSRI drug, but me and those don’t get along very well. Lexapro turned me into an insomniac, and Prozac made me want to kill myself. She would rather wait until I see the shrink anyway, and that’s in 71 days. I just hope the lorazepam doesn’t run out between now and then. I’ll use Benadryl or wine coolers when I feel anxious if it does, but I don’t think it will. I mentioned the Xanax Tammy uses, but she says that’s in the same family as lorazepam.

I was shocked when she told me she was on 112mcgs of levothyroxine. The only time she had problems was when they were adjusting her dose, and as I admitted, that’s the one thing that points away from the pills this time around… I’m not losing weight without trying, I’m not having the runs like crazy. My heart isn’t like a desperate fist pounding in my chest, soaring into the 130s or higher without exertion.

Her endo probably chose the same “flooding” method as mine did where they purposely give you a little too much to find out exactly where your threshold is. 88mcgs made my numbers perfect, but me thyrotoxic. But can 75mcgs, push my numbers back to those levels? My TSH is only four points away from disaster, while my T4 is only one point from disaster, both borderline normal. She said that yes, accumulation can continue to build up and that’s why she’s going to test me again in June. And do a lipid panel.

She must not have a thyroid to be taking so much at her size. She’s a couple inches shorter than me and is probably between 90-100 pounds. When I asked her how losing 30 pounds might affect me, she said that the dosage is more sensitive to the life of the thyroid than weight, so I should be okay. Mine’s half dead.

I’m still undecided on my weight. I know it would help my cholesterol and estrogen levels if I lost some, and I would be able to get around even easier, but I hate being hungry and I don’t care what others think of my appearance. It’s hard to be 100% motivated, and I think that for something like weight loss you have to really want to do it in order to succeed. Nobody does major things like quit smoking, learn languages and write books unless they’re dead serious.

Where the morning had been chilly it was sunny and warm when we made our way to the Macaroni Grill in which we used our entire $25 gift card. I like how I understood the Italian on the menu and in various parts of the restaurant, but the food wasn’t that great. He got pizza that was pretty good despite being super greasy, and I got the Pasta di Mare (pasta of the sea). It was in a spicy tomato sauce, which I didn’t expect, and since I don’t like spicy foods, the waitress offered to have it redone, which was nice. It still wasn’t that great and it only had maybe two pieces of shrimp, one scallop, and two or three mussels. The bread and salad were great, though.

So I used the bagno per signore and then we took our $50 cash gift card to Target. He didn’t find anything interesting, but I got a pink hat for $3 that’s adorable. The kid in me just had to have this color-changing ball too, for a buck. It’s kind of cool because it has pink glitter in it that swishes about with movement, along with LED lights that are cool though obnoxiously bright.

Then we went next door to Payless where I got these adorable kids’ shoes in size 4 for $20. I’d seen them advertised online. They’re flats with a floral design. The girl working there asked Tom if he needed anything and he said no, he had all he needed. LOL, yeah, a pair of work shoes, a pair of flip-flops, and a pair of canvas shoes for when he’s out trimming bushes. Typical male.

I have more to write about, but I’m seeing the dentist in a few hours and have other things to do, so I’ll do it later or tomorrow.