Tuesday, January 17, 2017

My Favorite Caligirl

“If you could say anything to your mother right now, what would it be?” S asked me yesterday afternoon.

I thought about it but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything. During the first few years after she died I vowed to get even if there was an afterlife in which we all meet up with those we knew in our earthly lives. I planned to return every kick, hit, slap and insult. But then I realized that if I did I would be just as bad as she was.

She was in my dreams again last night. Sort of. My dad actually delivered a message from her saying it was okay if I could never forgive her. Only I’m not sure if she meant that in an understanding kind of way or in an I-don’t-give-a-shit kind of way.

Anyway, my appointment with S went well. Guess that explains why I didn’t have any negative dreams the night before.

She was dressed in her usual colors of black and blue, but looked very stylish. She had some shine within her bracelets to balance out the darkness. When I joked about how I would be sure to remember what she wore in reference to my impeccable memory, she said she wouldn’t forget my hose. LOL, yeah, my zebra patterned pantyhose do stand out.

I thanked her for caring to see me when I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. She said something like taking my letter seriously.

She asked if I thought I felt like I was missing out on being with a woman, and I assured her I wasn’t. I’d been with women before Tom, even if they were nothing like her or even RJ, and Tom’s definitely my number one and a definite one of a kind, no matter how many women I may like or be attracted to along the way. As I was telling someone else recently, a woman doesn’t love her first child any less when she has a second one. So no, my being attracted to others every now and then only means I’m human; not any less in love with Tom. No one’s attracted to just one person throughout their life, like it or not, and she understands this.

I told her I saved her messages cuz her voice is soothing if I want to hear it when Tom’s not around.

I told her about how we were tossing around the idea of doing both Florida and Hawaii (she’s been to Hawaii, but not Maui), and that she’ll always have a special place in my heart and be one of the definite highlights of Cali. Each state has its most memorable people/moments, and she’s definitely it for this state, LOL. As I told her, I don’t take helpful people for granted. I’d undo the anxiety in a heartbeat if I could, but I would never undo her. She laughed when I ended this with, “Nothing’s changed. I’ll still stick a foot out and trip anyone that gives you a hard time.”

The thing that had her laughing the hardest was Mary. There are 3 areas of the psychic world I tend to be good at for reasons I may never know. One only Tom knows about and that’s the way it stays. Then there’s the dream premonitions, and then there’s the mood influencing which I told her about today. I explained how Tom discovered it in me and noticed it before I even did. After he pointed it out, I could see a pattern and realized his theory made sense. It’s not anything I can control anymore than my dreams, but let’s just say you don’t want to piss me off, as I told her. LOL

Then I told her how Mary became afraid of me and hated to be around me cuz she knew that the more she’d piss me off with her insults, the sicker she’d get. Every time we’d meet at the casino, my growing animosity towards her would cause her to lose when she’d normally win, and then there were all the colds and sneezing fits. LOL. S got a kick out of the sneezing fits. It was so true, too. We’ll never forget that day she practically ran out of Harrah’s Casino on the Indian Reservation in Arizona screaming, “She’s making me lose!”



And oh, how I’d have fun taunting her and suggesting we get together at the casino so I could make her lose and sneeze, ROTFL!

I also told S about Jesse totaling his truck after pissing me off day after day, hour after hour, with his mutts, motorcycles and then adding the bulldozer to the mix.

“But good things should come your way,” I assured S, who said she’d gladly take that.

I told her about the memory and she too, doesn’t know what to make of it and couldn’t guess if it was a real memory or a dream I actually remember. Like she said, I may never know what, if anything, it means.

She asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment or call if I need her, and I decided to just keep her on reserve for now. I hope I don’t ever have to see her again, as much as I’ll miss our chats. I always knew that one day I’d walk out of her office for good, whether we kept in touch online or by phone or not.

I also reposted a new 5-star review on Yelp after deleting the other one.

We stopped at Raley’s on the way home, then I came home to a message asking me to call my PCP’s office. I was surprised. I guess my PCP wanted to see me sooner and to know if I wanted a GYN referral to help with my perimenopause. I could’ve seen my PCP in a couple days, but opted to wait till our March appointment since I’m feeling better at the moment. Plus we’ll have lab results at that time anyway. I did take the referral offer, though, even though I despise female exams with a passion.

Monday, January 16, 2017

If You Can't Decide on Smart or Crazy, Do Both

Tom and I have never been the kind to stay in one place for too long. The world is too big to spend all our lives in one spot, or even 20-30 years of it in one spot.

California is my fifth state and his third. He’s from Arizona, has lived in Cali twice, and then of course Oregon. We’ve lived in these states together, and I started off in Massachusetts and Connecticut.

Where will we go when he retires in 6-10 years from now? Well, Florida would be smart while Hawaii would be crazy. Funny, but true.

Let’s talk smart first. Florida’s cheaper and I have family there. Understandably, I don’t expect to become close to my nieces in a way that makes us “good buddies” due to the age difference. What 20-something wants to hang with a 50-something? :)

But Tammy and I haven’t had much time together and when we last did we were younger, had a lot of growing up to do, and weren’t very close.

The thing about Florida that may not be so smart is all the humidity. I can’t know for sure how it may affect me, even though I’ve lived in humid climates before. This time, however, I won’t be a smoker, which should surely help. So all in all, Florida’s cheaper, warmer than NorCal, and I have family there.

Now let’s talk crazy, and I mean insanely crazy. That would be lush, colorful Maui with its perfect year-round climate and less of a hurricane risk, but that would cost a fortune probably even renting a dumpy apartment in the mainstream on the Big Island. We would definitely rent in Hawaii as opposed to owning, and that too, has its pros and cons. The landlord has to pay to fix anything that breaks, but that landlord can pester you all he wants if he lives a stone’s throw away from you. You also may be limited to color choices and what you can do with the place, depending on if it’s an individual or a company you’re renting from.

I felt so at home on Maui. It was definitely my spot on earth. So should we do both? And if so, which one would we start with, Florida or Hawaii? I’m thinking Hawaii may the best state to sign off in.

LOL, it’s too funny just thinking about it, but the idea certainly excites and appeals to me. I think first I oughta wait and see if I can just survive perimenopause long enough to get out of this state.

Seeing S in a couple hours. Excited, but a touch worried, even though I can stop seeing her anytime I want to. Ah, control. It’s something I haven’t had over most of my life, so I love it when I do. :)

Saturday, January 14, 2017

48 Hours

4” of rain is normal here for January, yet we’ve already gotten 7”, and there’s more to come in the middle of the week. I’m already sick of the rain, but it’ll stop the motorcycles once again. I’ve already heard them twice today. This is on top of cars and trucks that are too loud. I don’t understand why any vehicle needs to be so damn loud with today’s technology. I can see planes and semis, but regular cars, trucks, vans, SUVs and motorcycles? Then again, I don’t think I’ve heard a loud SUV as of yet.

Not surprisingly, I woke up hot flashing a few times. I still slept well enough, and this is day 5 where I’m anxiety-free. Ah, I could get used to this wonderful feeling! I love it when noise is my worst complaint in life. I was, however, a bit lightheaded today and yesterday, but after I ate it got better. Some days I don’t eat enough, not because I’m trying to avoid eating, but because I’m simply not hungry. I’m not one of those that eats when she’s not hungry. Tom is, but unless you put a lobster in front of me, I’d prefer to eat when I’m hungry.

We went to Raley’s earlier and picked up a few things. Now that I’m 6 weeks from labs… bye-bye cholesterol. No meat, cheese or eggs till March.

After we got back home, we ate, changed the rats’ cage, then went out walking. It was cold, but sunny.

I’ll be dying my hair tomorrow. The question is… do I want to do my nails today or tomorrow? I’ll probably do them today. I hate unpolished nails.

S’s now 48 hours a way. I’m a little nervous about that, but just a little. I’m mostly looking forward to our meeting. I just wonder if I’ll have any dreams about it or dreams that may hint at how our little get-together will go, either tonight or tomorrow night. Sometimes I don’t always know when a particular dream has meaning or is a sign of anything till certain things happen, but I think in this case I would know.

For now I’m just going to enjoy the weekend… missing my family and dreaming of Maui.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Careful What You Wish For

I got one of the things I wished for in my last entry… a period. So the last one was 3.5 months late and this one was a day early. It’s surprisingly cramp-free so far. I was slightly lightheaded earlier but after making myself eat a little more, I felt fine. I’m not even low on energy, though I am taking a day off from working out. That’s okay, I’m still getting plenty of exercise running around the house cleaning and doing laundry. Gotta order the groceries online as well.

I slept better last night. I seem to go back and forth, so I guess I might not sleep as well tonight. I’ve now gone over three days without anxiety. Just what did I do to get so lucky as to deserve that much? Think fewer evil thoughts?

This is the most sunshine I’ve seen here in about a week. I’m taking advantage of it to charge my solar keyboard. I just wish it wasn’t so cold out.

I’ve been a brunette for a while, so for variety I’m going to dye my hair auburn brown. I can always brown it back out if I don’t like it. I wonder what S will think of it. I know I like someone when I wonder things like that whereas I normally don’t care what others think.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

On Forgiveness

Saw a missed call from an unfamiliar number on my phone and my first thought was S. What is she going to do now? I asked myself. Pester me? Oh, to be pestered by one who’s both hot and intelligent, haha. Now that would be a lot of fun, wouldn’t it? When I ran the number online, however, I found it was likely connected to an insurance scam. Aw, too bad, huh? ;)

So I got to thinking about forgiveness, a subject Tammy and I briefly hit upon during our discussion. She’s way more forgiving than I am in general, but I believe that there is no right or wrong as far as how forgiving or unforgiving one may be, anymore than it’s right or wrong to be an atheist. I kind of understand some people’s point in that it’s supposed to be helpful to us if we can forgive those that have wronged us, but for me it’s not something I can pick or choose any more than I can control what colors or foods I like. It’s something that just is. It just so happens that I cannot forgive those who have wronged me in a huge way, while those who have wronged me in a smaller way… forgiveness depends. I usually don’t give second chances if I do forgive you, and I definitely don’t give third chances. Another thing that’s definite is that I never forget. I mean come on. I’d have to have a case of clear-cut amnesia in order to literally forget, wouldn’t I? But I get some people’s point about moving on and trying not to dwell on things since the past can’t be undone anyway.

Do I think she’s wrong or a bad person for being more forgiving? Absolutely not. Do I think I’m wrong or a bad person because I tend to be the opposite? Absolutely not. Not that she hasn’t been screwed over enough in her own life, but I think the reason I tend to be less forgiving is simply to protect myself. Almost every time I’ve forgiven someone for something, they eventually end up doing the same damn thing to me all over again. It may take a little time, that’s all.

But how willing I am to forgive a person depends on how bad they screwed me over and how many times they did it. There are some people that I could probably forgive if they were simply willing to come out and apologize for and admit their part in things instead of putting it all on me. If I can own up to and take responsibility for my own wrongdoings in whatever, then so can they. But I’m not going to apologize for something I truly didn’t do. I know I could make things a lot easier if I did by putting it all on myself and not only admitting to whatever I was truly guilty of as well as what I was falsely accused of. But then I would be the liar they accuse me of, and I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be fair to me and it wouldn’t be fair to them either. I stand firmly in what I personally believe I did wrong and what they did wrong and that’s not going to change. I’m not going to feel guilty for it either, not that anyone’s tried to make me feel that way.

As for those who have abused me physically, emotionally or legally, as in a bigger way… I can never and will never forgive anyone who ever had a hand in these sorts of things whether it was directly or indirectly. Everyone involved knew what they were doing, they knew right from wrong, yet they chose to do what they did anyway. Or to at least sit back and watch/let it happen.

So all in all, I make no apologies for being how I am and neither should anyone else. If you feel you can forgive someone for something, fine. That’s on you and that’s your right to do so. But I’m me and I’m always going to be me. :) No one has to forgive me for any mistake I may’ve made in the past, and I don’t have to forgive them either. I simply accept that it happened, we disagree, we don’t get along, and therefore we probably shouldn’t communicate with each other. And that’s ok. :)

Slept horribly last night. No anxiety and no nightmares. I just kept waking up and hot flashing the night away. I’ve had the PMS from hell for weeks now. I’m waterlogged and my boobies are sore. I would really like to just get a period or hit menopause for once and for all!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

45-Minute Chat

I talked to Tammy for about 45 minutes. We discussed her health and the gardening and cooking she’s done. She is definitely the cook and the green thumb that I’m not.

She hasn’t slept well for a few days because of the pain she’s in. I can just imagine how hard that must be to live with. My sleep is disrupted enough by noise, nightmares and hot flashes, so to be in such pain would really suck shit.

My mother was in one of my dreams last night. I just don’t remember what it was about. I’m guessing (and hoping) that my dreams the night before I see S will give me a heads-up as to how it may go. I’ve laid all my cards on the table. Now it’s up to her to pick them up and play them however she’s going to play them.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

No Mystery

On the 16th, I will see S. Really looking forward to our session and hoping it goes a lot better than last time. Seriously, I don't want to be introduced to a fourth personality! LOL

At first I hesitated to write about this, but not only is it MY journal, I'm also pretty certain that the Kim/Aly duo aren't following me, so I feel I can speak more freely if I make any kind of reference to them. Again, though, I don't give a shit anymore if they accidentally or intentionally delve into anything of mine. If they find and block my Twitter account - fine. If they find and block my Prosebox account - fine. They can block me on Facebook, they can read me on my-diary, they can block me here, etc. My guess is that if they do come to any accounts of mine in which they're aware of, it's to play victim and block me and not because they're curious as to what I might say about them or anything else for that matter. I know I'm not going to contact them again and that they have no real need to block me, and that's enough for me to know. I may make references to them from time to time since they were once a part of my life for several years, but when I'm not doing so, they are nothing and nobody to me. In my mind we never met and I don't even know they exist. So like I said, if they're reading me or blocking me, it's solely a one-sided game that only they're playing.

When I was feeling really anxious the other night, these former trolls popped into mind. First I had a few moments of missing Aly and wishing I could reach out to her. But then I thought better of it when I remembered what a liar she is, not to mention incredibly selfish. But even so... Just comparing some of my old problems to my current ones makes me realize that some of the old ones weren't so bad after all. As I've said before, external sources aren't nearly as tough to deal with as internal sources. Internal sources have more mystery to them and are just scarier. I think I'm suffering from perimenopause but I don't know this for sure. Nor do I know how long it's going to go on. It could end this year or it could end in many years. So we're talking about the scary unknown.

But there was no mystery in trolls like Kim and Molly. I would give almost anything in return for the days when my worst problem was having to deal with their relentless stalking, prodding, peeping Tom ways... And their occasional threats and insults. They were harmless, they were many miles away, and there was no guesswork involved. The only thing I didn't know was how many years they would follow me around and pester me and my friends. Sometimes it felt like they would never stop. Everything else was simple and straightforward. They were simply rejected outcasts with nothing better to do than pick on those that wanted nothing to do with them. But yeah, when I get to feeling really anxious or depressed, I wish my worst problem was getting up each day (or night) and wondering what shit they'd been up to while I slept and what unwanted contact from them I may find on the various sites that I frequented. One of their favorite places to harass me on was Ask.fm because they could do it anonymously. Even Aly picked on me at times there just to mess with me, but I admit that I sometimes gave her a taste of her own medicine; just not as high of a dose as she fed me.

Aly has promised never to forgive me for my bluntness and that's okay. I realize that I too, need to be less forgiving. Yes, there will always be things about her I'll miss. But if we were suddenly friends again, the clinginess and the demands and the guilt trips would start all over again right along with the lies. Then anytime I was honest with her, something I would think most friends would actually want from their friends, I would be called rude, negative, judgmental and critical. She was partially right, however. Sometimes I really could get judgmental and I still can. I criticized her friendship with Kim because I always believed Kim was never a true friend and that she would only fuck her over if she hasn't already. But just like "Agent P" herself told me, who she's friends with should be up to her. If Kim's a mistake, then it's her mistake to make. True to each other or not, my guess is that they'll always be friends. Well, they can have each other, and you know, maybe they're actually good for each other. They're both only willing to tell each other what they think they want to hear, they both have the same interests, and they're both probably going to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Oh, won't some poor loser please come and stalk me again and help distract me from the scary unknown that lives inside me?

Phone Tag

Ended up playing phone tag with S and hoping we catch each other today.

Yesterday I had about 5 hours of anxiety, but so far so good today. That, unfortunately, may be because I took a lorazepam less than 12 hours ago. Yeah, nothing like having your dead mother alive and plenty well enough to haunt you in your nightmares. I woke up several times with nightmares, overheated and with my heart thumping. I only remember one dream, though. First she abuses me in real life, then she gets to do it all over again in dreams. Only instead of smacking me around, taking away my favorite toys, verbally abusing me, or giving me away to the state, she abandons me. She abandoned me in real life as giving your kid up no matter what the “experts” may suggest is obviously still a form of abandonment, only she did it in a different way in the dream.

In the dream, she was still alive and old. She and dad moved and never told me where they went. I felt a sense of confusion and abandonment. Someone, though I don’t know who, asked what I was doing as they saw me frantically tapping away at my keyboard. I said, “For some reason my parents chose not to tell me where they moved to and I’d like to find out why.”

I couldn’t remember their phone number, so I was going to go through my long call history and try to pull up the number to see if it would go through. Then a video of some kind was playing on my monitor and I realized that the writing in the lower corner of the screen might be the name of the place they moved to.

The dream ended with me wondering if they were worth the bother, and if maybe I should just let them go since they obviously didn’t want to keep in touch for some reason.

Monday, January 9, 2017

A Call I Look Foward To

I left S a message shortly before 10 PM and I’m hoping she calls in the morning. I told her it would be best if I saw her next week.

These Tylenol sleep pills I decided to try when I’m having trouble sleeping came blistered in pairs. One pill didn’t do anything for me, but after taking the second one I fell asleep.

The rain is continuing on and I will be stuck working out indoors indefinitely.

The only strange dream I remember having is testing the lock on our front door to find that if I twisted the handle hard enough, it would open. I realize how easy it would be for anyone to break in and I wondered if I should bring this up to Tom. I was hesitant to do so because I knew how busy he was and that he had enough stuff to deal with during what little free time he had.

In the dream there was a block wall surrounding part of our place. One day I was sitting at a table writing or doing something when I saw someone jump over the wall. I knew they intended to break in and I became extremely angry right away. I burst out the door to confront what turned out to be a young woman. Despite the fact that she was considerably bigger than me, I screamed and shouted in her face. The dream ended at that point so I don't know what happened next.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Back on My-Diary ✍️

So I started writing again at my-diary as J-Lin. I’ve been making monthly posts there, but decided, after the site recently got revamped, to do daily updates as well.

I swear it’s rained more this fall/winter than in all the years I’ve been in this state put together. There has been nothing but wind and rain for the last 17 hours and there’s no end in sight anytime soon. It’s almost 60° out, though, and it’s better than temps in the 30s. I do love the sound of the rain, too. At least no delivery trucks or motorcycles are going to steal the peace today.

I had chest anxiety for the first 8-9 hours of my day, then Tom, who I swear has magical healing powers, helped ease it when he got up. I swear he has the gift of healing. He places a hand on my chest and concentrates while I will myself to relax and away it goes. Maybe we’re both psychic, just in different ways.

After he killed my anxiety, my lungs felt a bit tight for a while, but as soon as I went out I was fine. We changed the rats’ cage when we returned, so that always helps, plus I turned the air cleaner up to high.