Thursday, February 22, 2018

Ready to Do Stupid Again

Last night I had a surprisingly anxious night and where I used to love spending most of my time alone, the older I get, the more I hate it. Yet when he left for work I could still feel the anxiety stabbing in and out of my chest. My heart was a bit racy, too. The question is, if I didn't skip my meds occasionally like I'm doing today, how much worse would it get while I'm still in perimenopause? Probably bad enough. I don't know this for sure but I'm guessing my heart would race more and I would end up with the runs regularly.

Another question will be what to do if once I hit menopause it turns out that the meds have been the main culprit all along even though we don't think so. I guess if worse comes to worse I will skip doses once a week or ask to be lowered to 62 mcgs. Funny too, because 75 is a bit of a low dose as it is. Pretty sure 100-125 is the norm.

As always, it's several factors fighting with each other. If Tom were suddenly retired we don't doubt that I would feel better regardless of the physiological aspect of what's going on with me. If he were home every day I would be tempted not to skip and see how I did and whether or not I would get as bad as I was last June when I didn't skip right away. As I've been saying, I wish to hell I could stand the more severe anxiety because it's just about the best damn diet one could ever be on, LOL.

But yeah, last night I was doing Stacey's emotional tapping, drinking chamomile and sipping Sleepytime tea as well, but I could still feel the anxiety sitting in my chest. If I had to feel any negative emotion at all and it couldn't be anger, I wish it was depression instead, but I rarely get depressed and when I do it's because something unpleasant is going on. With every negative emotion I've experienced in my life, anxiety is by far the worst. Anxiety can morph into depression, though, if it's constant enough.

Really, REALLY appreciate Kathleen cheering me up while I was alone. We chatted for a while on the phone.

Tom was saying how he didn't think he would be able to retire at 62.

"Then why are we discussing moving to Florida before then? Wouldn't it be stupid to move if you still need to work?" I asked him.

He shrugged and said, "We'll always be doing stupid."

LOL, this is so true for us adventurers and at 28° I'm definitely ready to do stupid again for the first time in 11 years! Even so, it's going to take some time and planning. We still have to think about where we want to go, how we want to get there, and what we want to do when we do get there. Having to scramble to get doctors with pre-existing conditions is a little scary, but luckily, we're not on meds which are an immediate matter of life and death. If we were, I wouldn't skip my meds every now and then. But still, you know how hard it is to get insurance in this country, and with him being both older and white (yes, minorities do often get first dibs on things for being oppressed in the past, unfair or not), it could not only take several months for him to find work, but the insurance could take half a year to kick in as well.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Freezing in NorCal

Just signing in on this torturously cold night. We're going to be getting down to 28° tonight. I swear I can't get out of the state fast enough! At least I was able to sleep okay Sunday and Monday. This was probably only because it was too cold for motorcycles and there was no trash collection.

I sent the office and email giving them a piece of my mind about the insanely loud motorcycle situation, but not surprisingly, I never heard back from them. I don't know that I'd want to anyway. All they would tell me was that there was "nothing they could do about it because it's a form of transportation" which really means we don't give a shit and we don't want to do anything about it, even though it's our park and they weren't allowed in the past and there are certainly less intrusive means of transportation.

I think I remembered to reply to all my Blogger comments. They're easy to miss at times because I don't always get notifications for those. 

Someone asked me what I thought of the gun situation here in the US, and personally, I think guns should only be available to women unless you're in law enforcement. I know men could still get a hold of them but given the fact that women are in need of protection more than men, and men are almost always the ones responsible for the massacres, I feel men should be banned from guns altogether. I don't think guns should be banned entirely because when you take the guns away from the bad guys, then the innocent women out there can't protect themselves or their children, if they have any. If I was a mother with children to protect, I would want to be able to get a gun and not have that right taken away just because some people abuse them. If we take away everything that was ever abused in any way, we would be left with nothing.

We haven't been sick in years yet Tom now has a head cold. It's been pretty mild so far. I thought I woke up with a scratchy throat but after I had some hot tea, it was fine. I do feel very rundown now, though, despite sleeping better but I don't know if that's because my body is trying to generate a period or a cold. I have an autoimmune disease, though, so my body will likely kill it if it is a cold or at least most of it.

We ordered his cold medicine real early yesterday morning before he left for work through Amazon's same-day delivery. He also got some vitamin C and I splurged on some candy and blueberry K-Cups.

Sunday, February 18, 2018


Okay, here's the latest shit going on here and what we hope to do about it. Beware of lots of swearing in this long rant! My husband is the heaviest sleeper and the most noise-tolerant guy I know yet the fucking motorcycles even woke him up on Saturday when he was taking a nap.

At that point I said, okay, we definitely have to seriously start thinking about moving. After 4.5 years of this shit, I've had enough! I'm too old for all these sleep disturbances. Damn the fucking park for allowing these things in here! But do they care that some of us have sleep disorders that cause us to sleep during the daytime? No, of course not. That's not the whole point, though. Even if I were on days every day... daily motorcycles and landscaping is NO excuse and UNnecessary! It's no place for a writer whose concentration is easily broken.

I wish to hell I had telekinetic powers! I swear I'd possess and send every single fucking motorcycle flying at 100 MPH right into the office that allows these damn things in here! Tom said he thinks it was a group of four or five motorcycles that came tearing through here and that it still would have been too loud and woken me up even if it had been a block away.

Okay, my sleep has been cursed basically all my life. I get that. That much was obvious decades ago. But, I have slept better in other places. Years ago, had you given me a list of all the places Tom and I would live in and asked me to guess which one I would sleep the worst in, a retirement community would be my absolute last guess. These places are almost not worth it. The only things you don't have here are screaming kids and barking dogs.

Thinking back to other places I've lived in and the vehicles that would pass by the places, some sat there idling loudly for a while, some would be annoying because they would gun the engines, and then there were the car stereos, of course, but I honestly can't think of any vehicles that were so damn loud that they stand out in my mind. Conveniently, the loud vehicle trend must have started right before we moved in here, almost as if something knew I would be sleeping barely 10 feet from the street and that this would be a great way to fuck with my sleep. I do remember that after Jesse got drunk and totaled a quiet pickup he had (although he claimed a deer ran out in front of him), he got a truck that was surprisingly loud. I was surprised because it didn't seem that old. Plus he had a friend that visited and they also had a loud vehicle. So I guess that became a thing during our trailer years.

So we looked around at various options... apartments, condos, houses, manufactured homes, houseboats, high-rises, even though those are more of an LA thing and not common in the west. The problem is that if we stay in the state there is very little we could afford because of the way it is so damn expensive here, yet we can't afford to take off without a job lined up while he's under 62. Your average 2-bedroom apartment here starts at $1,600. There's a 2-bedroom, 1-bath house that's only 784 square feet yet it's $110,000. It's just fucking ridiculous here. Your average home starts at a quarter million. Just because you may make more money here doesn't mean it's easy to afford to live here. Even something half this size that's much older and dumpier in a scummy park would be more than we paid for this place because the economy isn't as shitty as it was in 2013. Also, if they're going to allow motorcycles roaring in and out of a luxury community, those that aren't as nice are certainly going to have the same problem.

Anyway, we thought of staying here, going to Hawaii, going to Nebraska where Aly is, going to Florida where I have family, and each place has its pros and cons. The only cons I can think of to Florida is that they too, have tons of loud motorcycles, and of course there's the humidity. Nebraska is cold and snowy, California is expensive, and Hawaii is even more expensive. If money was no object and it came down to strictly climate, I would go to Hawaii. But the most feasible place with the best climate is Florida. Plus, there's the fact that I not only have family there but also that Aly may very well end up there someday herself.

The thing is... If my sleep is going to be cursed anyway no matter where I go, let's have it be cursed in a warmer climate, and perhaps not quite as cursed if we can get our bedroom out of the damn street.

So we decided that he's going to retire when he's 62 and we're going to get the fuck out of here probably in 2020. Here's the catch, though I can assure you it's totally worth it. We would struggle financially and he would have to get a part-time job once we got to what I'm guessing right now is going to be Fort Lauderdale. I don't think we're going to be able to afford Tammy's area, but after all the shit I've been through, money isn't anywhere near as important as it used to be to me. I'd rather be poor and live well than have money and not be able to sleep so much of the time. As long as we're healthy and I'm not suffering from the severe anxiety I was suffering from, I've had my "rich" days, I've gone on my shopping sprees,  I've had my vacations, and basically, I've collected a whole lot of junk I would rather not have to dust. So as long as we can pay for the necessities, I don't care if we don't have extra money. As long as we've got each other, our health, and I can get some decent sleep most of the time, I don't need to have the fancy wind chime I might spot in the store or the beautiful dress I may see online or anything like that. The most important thing is being healthy and able to sleep. Being woken up two to three times a week is very hard on the body and it can take its toll on a person after a while, especially if they're older.

I don't want anyone reading this to get their hopes up. This is not a definite, 100% for sure plan. It's just something we're seriously considering right now because the thought of staying here another 5 to 10 years makes me want to beat my head in the wall. If the sounds were more consistent, I would probably be able to adapt to sleeping through them. If I knew that something was going to come blasting through every half hour or so that may actually make it easier than when it's at random times, with weekends being worse.

I know it won't do me any good or change the rules, but I do intend to give the office a piece of my mind. The noise levels here are just way out of control. Never have I lived where there was such loud landscaping equipment that could be heard nearly every day, and I've lived in plenty of other places where there were trees, shrubs, grass and similar vegetation. There's just no need, reason or excuse for this shit. I never expected to live in complete silence but it really is too bad that retirement communities aren't about what I thought they'd be about. I really thought they were for having a quiet, peaceful place to live but apparently, they're more about being with others your own age. At least here it is.

I know my neighbors aren't going to be happy about us leaving in a couple years, but hopefully, we'll have neighbors as nice as them wherever we end up. Since I'm not expecting we can go straight to a home, I'm hoping we can find a rental in a high-rise so I can at least enjoy the view while we're waiting. I think Fort Lauderdale will be the closest we can get to the coast that we can afford. I don't want to go to Miami because it's further from Tammy and I've heard bad things about the place. I think Fort Lauderdale would be a little safer. Tammy will no doubt be happy to guide us when the time comes, though I don't know how familiar she is with Fort Lauderdale.

I swear it's almost as noisy here as in Phoenix! I was only able to sleep better there because the bedroom was farther from the road and the place had brick walls and a concrete foundation. But instead of kids and dogs, you hear landscaping and vehicles here. Both places have loud car stereos but that was definitely more of an issue in other places. Sometimes a part of me wishes we were still crammed into Jesse's tiny trailer even though his mutts would bark for hours and hours at a time. At least they could be drowned out by sound machines. No matter how loud I blast the sound machine when I go to sleep, the loud engines still manage to override it. I was able to get caught up on my sleep, however, because we're having a cool spell. Tom said there were no motorcycles but just one loud truck that kind of crashed into the speed bump.

If something is cursing my sleep, how convenient that it happens to hit 70° on a Saturday when the motorcycles are more likely to be an issue, huh?

So now we have some thinking to do. Do we do the roof before we go? Do we get a new oven? I'm thinking we'll probably get the oven but we're not sure about the roof. We've got a couple of months to decide because we're still in the rain season. It's almost over, though. I wish I knew if I was right about suspecting that the drought is going to continue for many years to come. If it is, then it's not worth doing the roof. But all it takes is one wet and windy winter like what we had last winter and we could have a problem.

The next two years may be the last two years that we have decent money, so we need to spend it wisely. I'm thinking we might still go ahead and add two of the murals we wanted to add because we'll still be here long enough to enjoy them. Besides, this way I get to experiment with a few different types of scenes so I have a better idea of what to get in our next home.

Again, I could be totally wrong, so please don't take this literally or get your hopes up too high, but yes, I am officially considering this the beginning of the end and now looking at this house as a place we're staying temporarily and no longer a "home" in the traditional sense. To be honest, I knew we were making a mistake when we moved in here as soon as I looked at the map and saw the streets wrapping around it and so closely, but we were desperate to get out of the trailer. We wanted more space, we wanted something newer, and I wanted to get away from the dogs. We knew the economy wasn't going to stay shitty forever so we wanted to take advantage of it while we could and the deal we got on this place. But less than a week or two in this place I knew we'd made a mistake and that we wouldn't be here forever. It's just way too noisy for what it is. We would eventually move even if it was quiet here because tropical is one climate we haven't lived in yet and that I would definitely like to be in, but in that case, we may have waited another 5 to 10 years.

Writerscafe has proven to be rather dead and inactive, so I will be publishing with the UK Authors site again so people can look for any errors or discrepancies that need fixing before my stories are submitted for publication on Amazon. I broke Campus Games into 4 parts and 2 just published. On Friday, the other 2 parts will publish. They only publish on Mondays and Fridays.

Tom went out yesterday morning and tightened some circuit breakers and that seems to have helped the flickering a lot. It's not perfect but it's much better than it was.

A couple nights ago I had hip pain that was bad enough to need ibuprofen for, but that seems to be doing better. My upper stomach pain comes and goes and I still have rashes here and there but nothing critical.

The night before last I dreamed of Jesse who was talking to some other guy. Missing the seclusion of country living (but not the hassles, inconveniences, and sluggish internet), I'm not surprised he showed up in my dreams.

Then I was riding in a car with three other people. I was in the back seat behind the driver when the entire side of the car suddenly disappeared and we were driving through some entrance in which I could reach out and touch the wall of. Then I was suddenly on a gurney and being wheeled into a place that had indoor "homes" that were set up side by side inside this giant room. I was placed in a section of the room that had a row of gurneys, all empty at the moment. I sat up, hopped off of the gurney, and began to walk through the place before I realized I had left my hot pink purse on the gurney and doubled back for it.

Friday, February 16, 2018


Okay, now that the laundry is done and I'm off the phone for now, I can start writing.

PB's back up, yay!

Busy tonight doing several different things. My new purple sweatpants came and they're actually a bit loose on me. Very comfortable but in need of hemming. Thinking of hemming them with fabric glue instead of sewing because I hate to sew. Tom offered to do it but I would really like to try the glue.

The house across in back is officially for sale. 

Last night it was quiet in the sky and I didn't even hear the freeway much. Not much plane activity tonight yet, but I can hear the freeway. We're having a cold spell so I'm not going to go out running tonight. I don't even know if I'll work out indoors because I'm still having that upper stomach pain. I'm having it every day and I'm not sure why but I still don't think it's anything to worry about. It's just annoying. If it gets that bad I can just take an ibuprofen and then it's gone. Anything is better than anxiety but if I still have it in June when I see my doctor, I'll ask her about it. It's definitely too high to be my appendix. If it was lower, then I would be worried.

I was thinking about how my dad said that they couldn't eat as much as they used to in their final years and how he went from 220 lbs to 188 lbs. But I think that even if I couldn't eat as much that still wouldn't be enough for me to lose any damn weight. Not unless it was an extreme amount. Yet I can't believe I would ever not be able to have more than 1000 calories a day. That would be wonderful if that was the case but I just don't see that happening.

I slept better than I thought I would the last couple days. 

I'm glad to say that the UK Authors site now lets me submit stories. The site was experiencing difficulties, the administrator told me. I've come to like the site and it's way better than Writers Cafe. Writers Cafe is pretty dead. I've gotten absolutely no feedback there whatsoever. But I think I'll just leave things as is rather than delete that account.

Last night I dreamed that I got in some heated argument with Tom and stormed off and up to some attic somewhere. I locked myself in a small dark room in the attic and I guess I wasn't supposed to be there or I didn't want the two guys I heard enter the attic to know I was there. That dream was really too vague to elaborate much more on.

Then I dreamed I was walking outdoors on a moonlit night. I was walking through some grassy field on a little narrow path and at first I was enjoying myself until I realize that I could happen upon a big cat along the way. Realizing this, I quickly turned and headed back. As I was coming up the crest of a hill I could see the top curly part of a tail and began to panic at the thought of it being a big cat but then I saw that it was actually a skunk. Not wanting to turn back around, I sort of scooted around it and then made it safely to the house I lived in. I then pulled myself out of this strange kind of wheelchair that I hadn't been in until that second. Then I punched a code into a coded lock, entered the house and realized I felt much better.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Inspired by Sales

With even more book sales, I feel more inspired to write. I always write no matter what because it's fun and what I like to do, but just when I was considering quitting and thinking it might not be worth the work to submit stuff for publication on Amazon, the rise in sales inspires me to keep on plugging away. I still doubt I'll ever make much doing it, but it's nice to get royalty checks that can buy more than a loaf of bread.

I set up house at Writers Cafe because I had issues submitting the first part of Campus Games on the UK site. Hopefully, if I have any errors someone will point them out. That's at

We still have intermittent flickering of our lights in parts of the house and Tom got a tool that beeps when placed within the magnetic field of live wires. This will add extra assurance that he doesn't go electrocuting himself when he goes to fix it.

There's talk about them having electric cars and even electric motorcycles. It would be so nice to have quieter vehicles out there, but by the time they get everything changed over I'll probably be an old lady if not dead.

Unfortunately, not even the nights are quiet a lot of the time. They're certainly quieter than the daytime but at night I hear plenty of planes and freeway traffic. That kind of background noise isn't nearly as annoying as traffic roaring by the bedroom or loud landscaping equipment, but sometimes I just want to hear nothing at all. Yet you almost never hear silence here.

I changed the extensions of my documents to docx so I can use them in both word processors. They both have their pros and cons. The new one is less crashy but I can't figure out how to stop it from putting a blank character at the start of every paragraph.

PB is still down but I'm not ready to assume he's abandoned it due to lack of time and money and what with OD now being an alternative. Dan is a super nice guy but a part of me is hoping he'll give the site to someone who has the time and money to keep things going. But then that someone could change it entirely and make it into nothing that it is right now like they did with Kiwibox.

Last night I dreamed I was rearranging furniture and beds somewhere and it was night time. The place was pitch dark. I didn't have any lights on inside and I was scared that there was an intruder inside the place with me. I went out on the front stoop to wait for Tom and it was also very dark out there.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

I'm Busy but It's All Good

If PB doesn't get up and running again soon I'm going to think that he conveniently shut it down because OD has resurrected itself. He's mentioned having little time and money to manage the site, and this would be a convenient time to get rid of it when I think about it. He may figure that now that people have OD to run to, why not? Not me, though. I'll stick with Blogger.

I have been busier than ever but it's all good. I just don't get why I'm sleeping shitty all over again, waking up at times even when traffic isn't waking me up. After just a few hours of sleep, I had trouble falling back asleep so I got up and made some Sleepytime tea. Half a cup later I was back out again.

One of the cool things about editing old stories that I wrote over a decade ago is that it's been long enough for me to forget many details, so it's like being surprised with my own stories. Wanted to finish Socio a couple weeks ago but my busy schedule has delayed this. It seems that more really is better, too. The more books you have, the more you sell. But I don't want to go too fast and mess things up.

Tom has a late meeting at work but on his way home, he'll be stopping at Walmart. We made a small grocery order to get the free Valentine gift, whatever it is. But by then they may be out of supplies because it's only while supplies last, of course.

Last night we made an Amazon order and I got purple sweatpants, a pale pink sweatshirt, and a set of 12 colorful washcloths after reading an article about sponges and bath gloves being a breeding ground for bacteria. With lichen planus, my skin would appreciate fresh washcloths, no doubt, for every shower I take. I'll still keep my back brush that's on a stick. I'll use my old bath gloves for cleaning and whatnot.

I recently deleted journals that were scheduled to post when I'm 95 and almost certainly dead, but I decided I might create a separate blog Just for future posts I'll schedule to start posting 100 years after I was born. I don't know if it will work or if people will see it but it's still a neat idea.

I've begun backing up journal copies by the day on MD and my private Blogger blog while doing it by the month on Tumblr and then PB, assuming it's ever coming back. The thing is that it's a lot more work than I thought it would be. It takes about an hour and a half to post the same day of every year that I wrote. So all the February 13th's and February 14th's took about 3 hours to post. Not sure I want to work that hard.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Duck, Duck, Goose!

PB went down and they went down hard so I'm going to be using Blogger once again. I guess the server the guy uses did an upgrade and isn't compatible with his site. It could be some time before the site is up and running again.

I decided to delete the posts I had scheduled on Blogger for after I die. I guess I just decided I don't care if my journals live on or not. I'm sure most of what I put on it while I'm alive will, though, and who knows? Maybe they'll prove to be a fascinating glimpse into the past for some future generations. For now, I don't care who reads this whether I'm dead or alive. :-)

It was a chilly and windy day but I briefly chatted with the neighbors and went down to the lake to give the ducks some old bread. I swear I've never seen so many ducks and geese down there at once!

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Feb 5-11

Feb 5th

I got up, checked my phone, and even though I was still tired, what I saw made me run for my computer. It was a message from Officer P! I was surprised alright, but I'm sure she was too, to get a message from a former inmate, framed and acquitted or not. I was also surprised that she didn't remember me because I not only don't have many look-alikes, but I wasn't there for the typical reasons. Most charges are for drugs and prostitution. She may remember me in time just like it suddenly hit me that her first two initials were JM not JA.

Anyway, it was a nice message. I was definitely surprised when she said it was good to hear from me after all these years, LOL. I don't expect to exchange messages very often as she is one who tends to keep to herself and is a very busy person, but she said I could remain on her friend page, even though she doesn't appear to have actually accepted the friend request. She also pointed out that we may not agree on everything, but that's okay. I know that we're different in a lot of ways and that's fine. Her message was very nice and unexpected. She said she left the sheriff's office as part of a career move she felt she needed to make. She congratulated me on the digital books and said she was glad that I was doing well, thanked me for keeping her in my thoughts all these years, was glad that she could help make an impression for the better on me during those hard times and how we can achieve things in the face of adversary and things like that. She said she hopes God continues to bless me, LOL. For some reason, I would roll my eyes at just about anyone who said that but it's okay coming from her.

Last night I dreamed Aly flew out to visit us for a weekend and she cooked us dinner. I don't remember what she cooked, though.

Feb 6th

"Hi, Virginia!" I called out to Virginia just as she stepped out of her front door to get her mail, startling her. Yeah, I'm too loud at times, I guess.

She said hello and that they've been wondering where I was. "Have you seen Jodi?" Virginia said she and Bob asked each other just the other day.

Haha, hiding from the cold, I told her, but now that we're having very springlike weather (it's supposed to reach 72° today) I'm out and about more often, so we'll catch each other around more. Nice to know they were thinking of me, though, and even a bit concerned.

Some of the lights in the house have been flickering, particularly in the master bedroom, master bath and kitchen. It doesn't do it all the time, though. The house is getting old so one of the breakers is probably crapping out.

Over the weekend we replaced one of the kitchen plugs that was loose and probably the real cause of the K-Cup coffee maker going out and not the coffee maker itself. So I got a new one for no reason other than that it ended up to be a better coffee maker. It was still worth it and it's still good to have a backup in case one of them breaks for real.

He also turned the front porch light into a smart light. We've got it set to white instead of color changing because most of the time we use it will be if we're looking for a package after dark.

The toe rings came yesterday. I'm not impressed with the elastic flower toe rings but the elastic gemstone toe rings are nice. The thing is that they're a little small for my fingers while probably too big for my toes. I'll find out later when I take off my running shoes and try one on.

Today I'm expecting my new Turbie Twist towels and some hair accessories.

The flippers are still working on the house but they've been doing it quietly. The trellis fence that they put up alongside the carport has solar lights attached to the top of its post that looks nice at night.

Feb 9th

Yesterday the flippers we're annoying on and off by pounding on something and someone was sawing in the opposite direction. The flipper house now has not a for sale sign but a sign that says "coming soon," as I saw when I was out walking (it's almost too warm for walking with a sweatshirt). Good, because I was wondering how many more months they would be working on the place. Since having them here is only delaying the inevitable, let's get it over with and find out what we're in for as far as new neighbors go. I'm mostly worried about what kind of vehicle they're going to have what with how loud so many of them are these days, and of course, California is obsessed with motorcycles.

The apple trees are already beginning to bloom because we've had such a mild winter. They don't usually bloom until March.

No flickering lights today or yesterday, so I don't know what that was all about or how it managed to fix itself.

Since my book got over 300 views on the UK authors site and positive feedback on a few different sites, I was thinking of offering it for free. A lot of people, like me, go looking for freebies in their preferred genres. Well, maybe if they liked it that would entice them to buy my other books. I would just like to change the name to something else. That character's physical appearance is based on someone I know, even though I don't ever expect them to read it.

Yesterday and today I experienced some lightheadedness. I wonder if it's because I waited so long to have breakfast. I would feel like this buzzing sensation in my head and then I would feel weak and lightheaded. I'm not diabetic so I'm guessing it's just getting used to going longer before eating. The thing is I've already eaten and I feel a little lightheaded still. Not as much as before, though.

Feb 11th

Yesterday I "accidentally" published my 7th book at I was going to offer it for free but that wasn't an option. It couldn't be any less than $0.99. So it's now available for $0.99!

There are three levels of the Internet. 6% is the surface web where you can Google things and you don't need to sign in anywhere to access whatever. Then there's the deep web which houses things like peoples medical records and stuff they have to sign in for that only they should see. Then 4% of the Internet is the dark web where people either do illegal things or are so paranoid that they want their privacy.

So we downloaded a browser called Tor to see what it was like. It's super agonizingly slow because of the way it bounces you from router to router to hide your IP. Not worth it to us. We don't mind who knows what we buy, anyway. We're not paranoid about being spied on or anything like that and I don't care who knows my online activity because if you're not doing anything wrong then you don't have anything to hide. I wouldn't even care if the government was snooping in my emails. As long as they didn't fuck with me, they can look, see, listen, stalk and watch all they want.

I continue to have that light cramping sensation in my upper right stomach but it's mostly when I first get up. I still think it's some kind of gas pocket in my intestines.

Where yesterday was rather noisy with freeway traffic and landscaping, today was oddly quiet. Didn't hear the freeway, didn't hear landscaping, didn't really hear much of anything other than some loud car stereos. I wish it could always be like this. The planes got on my nerves Friday night and Saturday morning, too. While they don't have a set schedule, they definitely do seem more active on weekends.

Starting to feel slightly anxious which is really disappointing since it hasn't even quite been two weeks since my last pill skip. Really hope it doesn't get worse, but it usually does until I start skipping doses.

My friend Becky was hacked on Facebook so I've gone private again because of the way people tend to use your friends to hack you with. They made it look like a friend sent her a video which asked her to log in to view. She did so and got hacked even though she was able to recover her account quickly. I always try to keep my friend list hidden and things like that. I don't know why, but it seems like Facebook is what people try to hack the most. I figure the more obscure me and my friends are, the safer we'll be.

Where it was getting very spring-like weather-wise, the last couple of days have been pretty chilly and cold at night. Yesterday was windy.

I switched the dining room curtains from the swamp girl to the night city and it looks great there. When the light is at a certain level it almost looks like the sunlight is what's lighting up the windows of the buildings.

Last night I vaguely remember a dream about some guy that may've been related to me somehow, having spaghetti sauce all over his face and hands. At least I think that's what it was. I locked myself in the bathroom, worried what he may do. I guess he was kinda crazy.

Tom got the oil changed on the car and we went to Rite-Aid where I got pink-red lipstick, blue liquid eyeshadow, gum, a couple of brightly colored dishtowels, and two boxes of fake nails. One of the nails is matte black with gorgeous silvery holographic accents, and the other is bright neon pink-orange with colorful fractal swirl accents.

In the book I'm listening to, a girl gets murdered that was selling her used panties online. That's totally gross but you would think it would be a good way to make extra money. Tom doesn't think so, though, LOL.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Feb 1-4

Feb 1st

No stomach pain and when I do have it it’s very mild to the point that it’s barely noticeable, so that much is good.

I really need to stop bragging about how much better I’ve been doing anxiety-wise because every time I do I jinx myself. I was a fool to think I beat it for good, but deep down I knew it would be back sooner or later. This shit is going to torture me on and off for the rest my life, isn’t it? Really beginning to fear that now. Especially if it’s more the meds than the perimenopause, something I won’t find out until after I’ve gone a year without periods and I could still have quite a ways to go.

Yesterday I got so anxious that I had to take Lorazepam for the first time since July. My heart wasn’t racing but I skipped my meds today and I’m going to tomorrow as well so I don’t get there. I’m almost positive that if I didn’t skip I would end up with a racy heart and diarrhea. Then I would go from feeling shitty to feeling terrified.

Today I’m better but still not calm. I think the mistake I made after the last skip was that I didn’t let myself get totally better before I took another dose. The day I skipped I still had mild traces of anxiety. At first, I felt better than the last two days yesterday, but as yesterday progressed, it was the worst I’d felt in a while.

So I skipped today’s dose and I’m definitely skipping tomorrow, too. Would really like to know where my numbers were yesterday, but I know my TSH can be high while I still feel bad. The numbers go up right away after a skip but you don’t feel better right away. Just wish I knew what was causing this the most! Peri or pills? It would be a great relief to know that this would be gone forever once I hit menopause, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that the longer something goes on, the less likely it is to stop. If it’s not the peri then it’s got to be the pills. I can’t believe I would’ve suddenly up and become this way for no reason at all and that’s it for life. I really hope it isn’t the pills. Again, the pills are for life, the peri isn’t.

Really hope I can stand to take it regularly leading up to the lab so I can get good enough numbers that won’t cause her to send me right back to the lab a few weeks later. I will not, however, let myself suffer just to please the doctor.

After going so long with just a few days of mild anxiety, it was a very disappointing and frustrating setback just as it was to get a period after nearly half a year.

Which do I think is the main culprit? I still don’t know. This feeling seems a bit extreme for hormonal changes but not for a chemical substance. It’s just that that “substance” is supposed to be what our bodies make anyway. I don’t know what to think anymore. Like I said, until I’ve gone a year without periods, I won’t have the answer.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not interested in OD anymore. Too many glitches to be worth bothering with for a place I don’t intend to remain at anyway.

Feb 2nd

Rather than skip a second dose today I decided to cut off my waiting time at 15 minutes instead of 30. Feeling good so far. I was actually back to normal yesterday. Calm and not the least bit nervous about being left alone. My only complaint right now is that stomach pain. It's mild but just enough to be noticeable and annoying.

Still wondering the same thing I've been wondering for years, since I started the medication at the same time I went into perimenopause... Is it the medication? Is it my thyroid having pocket flares? Is it perimenopause?

Tom thinks it's a combination and so do I. The fact that backing off the medication as soon as the anxiety kicks in makes it better shows that the pills do indeed have a hand in it. When I used to keep taking the medication when the anxiety would rear up, the anxiety would get worse and worse to the point that I would have a racing heart, the runs, and weight loss. And we know this medication can make me feel beyond horrible without my TSH going below 0. Trying 88 mcg and hitting a 3 proved that. I don't know how much of the peri is responsible but I definitely suspect pocket flares. When my TSH is high I'm about a 10 but when my numbers are low they're not much higher than 3, and I think it's when they get there that I start to feel anxious. The only thing that points away from the pills/gland as the root cause is the lack of lung tightness and mind fuckers as I call them. Right before I would have severe anxiety attacks I would have lung tightness, flashes of dread going through my mind, as well as jitteriness.

Although my heart hasn't raced or pounded lately, it sometimes does weird things. It doesn't scare me because I now know that it's harmless but I still don't like it when it flutters. I don't mean for just three or four beats either. Sometimes it flutters for several seconds and the fluttering is quite quick, almost more like a vibration.

I got my banana cream K-cups today and the outside light we ordered for the front arrived today, too. It looks stylish at the same time it looks a bit old-fashioned. It's square shaped with frosted glass. The wooden box has some kind of leafy vine carved out of it. It looks like something you might have seen in the 70s yet it's modern and stylish at the same time.

What may be a PBer bought one of my books, and someone's reading the one I republished through the Kindle lending library. I can tell they're all in the US but not where in the US. What's cool about it is that I can track their page-reading progress. They were on page 55 before I went to bed. When I got up there were on page 72. When I checked a little while ago they were on page 85. So 45 more pages to go!

A PBer said that every time she goes a year without a period, she then gets one. This has been happening for 4 years and she's now 53. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if I had more periods to come even though I don't feel the least bit PMSy at the moment. Just fat. But even so, food really is one of the greatest pleasures in life. So much so that I gave into my sugar withdrawal last night and went to Walgreen's to get a sugar fix.

As we were pulling up to the store, the pigs were in the parking lot focused on this one car. At first, I thought they were arresting someone. But then, as I was inside spraying on perfume testers and picking out what sugary naughties to stuff myself with, a cop who barely looked fresh out of high school let alone the police academy asked us if the turquoise Toyota was ours. Tom told him the gray Caddy was ours. Gotta admit the skinny cop seemed so kind and innocent of any kind of corruption but perhaps he just hasn't been on the force long enough to acquire some of the hardened machoism so many of them end up with.

On the way out, the bacon decided the best place to stop and gab was right smack dab in the middle of the main entrance to the parking lot so we had to make a small detour.

Last night I dreamed that my teeth fell out. It seemed to be mostly my upper teeth.

Feb 3rd

RIP Max. He was Tammy's dog which she adopted from our parents after they died. He was 14, though. Not 16-17 like I thought.

Last night I dreamed we were living in an adult community which looked different than this one and I was kind of bummed out that the house next to us of all houses was a rental. I looked out our living room window and saw a stout black woman gazing at one of our plants at the front corner of our yard. There seemed to be more space between the house and the road. I figured she rented the house next door. Then I saw a turquoise pickup leave the front of that house that I knew was driven by a park worker.

Then I dreamed that this guy moved into a house a few houses away and I introduced myself to him and went through this long detailed spiel about where we lived and all that. He then politely smiled and said "Okay" in a tone that suggested that was quite a load of info for him to digest all at once.

I walked away wondering why I couldn't have kept it short and simple and why I needed to describe something in three or four sentences that could have taken just one. LOL

Feb 4th

Ordered a bunch of colorful toe rings and hair accessories, and he got some electronics-related stuff. I also grabbed a pack of Turbie Twist towels, something I really like to have now that I'm growing my hair.

I wonder how many more years the reality TV craze is going to go on. I miss having a variety of shows, but everything is either reality or foreign. If I don't want to deal with foreign accents I have to choose between murder cases, sex cases, drug cases or prison life if I want to watch something while I eat, something I've been in the habit of doing. I just finished the murderous affairs, so I guess maybe the hookers can now entertain me while I eat.

The lack of variety is frustrating. Have people really lost their creativity? Even the different Law & Order series are pretty much the same old, same old. They just happen in different places.

Last night I dreamed I was on a small boat on the ocean with a couple other people. We were far from the shore and it was nighttime. When we cut the lights on the boat there was pitch blackness all around us and the lights coming from the shore seemed like nothing little specs.

It got up to 70° yesterday and it's definitely showing signs of spring now that I have to sleep with the fan on when sleeping during the daytime. Except for last winter, we've been in a drought for something like half a decade or more. I think this is how it's going to be most years, though. November was kind of wet, but we barely got a five-minute sprinkle in December and just a few days of rain in January.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

End of January

I don’t understand this doomsday clock shit they keep tweaking. So the world is going to end at 11:58 tonight? Great! Then we won’t have to worry about getting old and not having anyone to help us. Seriously, the world will indeed end by war but I still think it’s about 100 years away. Once technology gets to the point that everyone can send enough bombs without being able to deflect any coming their way in time, that’s when it will happen. People really will kill themselves to kill others. We wouldn’t have murder-suicides if they weren’t. For now, I still think what I’ve always thought… that actions speak louder than words and that people take threats too seriously. Threats don’t mean shit without action to back them up. Anybody can threaten anything at anytime and that’s meaningless unless they actually do something.

Thank goodness for hourly weather updates! I was able to time my jog perfectly. It's pouring like crazy now and pretty dark out there, too.

They put up a trellis fence around the side and back of the house that's STILL being flipped and at first I was worried they would enclose it and encourage the new people to leave any dogs they may have out there in a park that's not likely to do much about it. It's not enclosed, though. It's just to add a little more privacy.

My dangling "diamond" earrings came today from China and they're gorgeous.

LOL, that silly M. She sure is quick to move on and like with all her other girlfriends this is the "only one who's ever really understood her." I wouldn't tell her this, of course, but sadly, I think she's either going to cheat on her latest catch or scare her off with her problems and dynamic mood swings. It seems that where some of us have accepted what happened to us as kids and have vowed not to let it affect our future, she somehow got stuck in a rut for some reason and was never able to move on. Gotta love her, though. She's still a sister and I'll always hope for the best for her.

A friend and I swapped story ideas earlier. She wants to do a story with a character that has my kind of sleep disorder, so she consulted with me about it. The sleep doctor I saw calls it non-entrained circadian rhythm disorder and it is a definite, definite curse from above if there ever was anything up there. There is no cure for it. I do have some control over it but very, very little. I can control it to a degree for about a week or two if even that. It really depends on what's going on. Yes, the nights are much more peaceful, especially if you're a writer, but I would still love to always be on days because that would be much more convenient. I wasn't kidding when I said that the things most people struggle with come easier to me while the things most people take for granted and that's like second nature to them is what I struggle with most.

What's interesting is that at the same time I don't have a schedule, my schedule is actually more predictable than your average person. Tom wrote a program to predict what my schedule will be in the upcoming weeks or months when scheduling my appointments. Right now the current prediction for when I'll get up on his birthday in June is 1:30 AM and 10:30 PM on my birthday in December. This is based on an average jump of one hour and 15 minutes a day. Amazingly, the program is almost always right on.

The program helps enable me to know went to start pushing or pulling it in either direction if it's a little off in one direction or another for pending appointments, and if I start early enough, it may only require a 10-minute manipulation. So if I fell asleep at 11 PM the night before, then the next night I will push it to 11:10 PM. Get it? I know it's very hard for those that don't have it to even conceive of how it's possible to not be able to control your schedule no matter what you do and many often go into denial about it much in the way those do that don't understand that yes, we're born with one out of 4 possible sexualities... Straight, bisexual, gay or child molesters.

No matter what anyone gets or thinks, it's something that's very real and it's on me. I'm the one that has to deal with it, after all. 😑

The EMDR must have worn off, LOL, because I’m practically crying happy tears at the realization that I haven’t needed Lorazepam (with the exception of one or two to help me sleep for last year’s appointments) since July 5th! You know how everyone has their moment when they realize they’ve either accomplished or survived something? The reality is starting to set in that I might have actually really truly survived the hellish nightmare I suffered from the summer of 2014 to the summer of 2017 and I just might actually be back to myself for good. Or at least for what I hope is a seriously long time.

I don’t even want to think of what my next long-term problem will be or when it will start, and yes, it does seem I have one long-term crisis after another with just a year or two in between. As an adult, I've had what I consider to be a crisis 5 different times in my life, and a few other long-term problems that I wouldn't describe as a crisis but that were very frustrating. Of the 5 times I was in crisis, two were monetary, two were medical, and one was legal. Even though the last crisis was by far the worst, my life was never truly in danger. But the series of killer asthma attacks I had many years ago could have killed me, and the two times I was in serious financial crisis could have done me in as well. So I would say that three out of five were dangerous or close enough to it.

I can only tell you this... Whatever the next one may be is either going to be a piece of cake compared to my “meds-peri crisis” or it’s going to kill me because anything worse than the last crisis would certainly do just that, that’s how bad it was, life-threatening or not.

Anyway, can’t say that I’ll never get another period again, but I can definitely say that in April, when the Lorazepam expires, I won’t be requesting a refill.

Last night OD was running real slow but tonight it seems a bit snappier. 28 days left! No way I'm going to pay for that site. I like PB way better mostly for its simplicity and the way we can have multiple books. I don't expect to ever have the search feature I'd like or to be able to customize backgrounds or anything like that, but this is definitely my preferred platform these days.

Anyway, my book Evil Amongst the Evergreens has now been fully re-edited, redesigned and republished. Six books published and counting! Couldn't resist sending Maliheh a copy... WITH her name. No reply, of course, not that I have any way to know she's getting my messages or not. One of the accounts was taken over but the message didn't bounce so she must have recovered it.

I've got mild anxiety in my chest right now probably because I splurged on sugar today.

No stomach pain today. The old lady in Texas said that when they say severe they mean it and that there's no doubt about it. She's had it before. Another person suggested uterine fibroids but I would've thought the pain was too high up for that.

Tom and I were talking about what an idiot Trump is. I see his wanting to reform immigration. However, that he really should ignore Kim's childish and immature taunts. When we feed the trolls we stoop to their level. Trolls hate being ignored. Since he's thousands of miles away, I really think it would be best if Trumpty Dumpty stopped giving Kim the negative attention he so obviously craves.

While I wasn't being euthanized in my dreams last night, I seemed to be very lonely and depressed, living alone in some apartment with absolutely nothing. No computer, no TV, no radio, no nothing. All I did was lay in bed depressed. It seems I did get up to look out the window, though, and I must have been several floors up because I was looking down at a stormy sea. It seemed to be nighttime, too.

Then I beat up a childhood friend, Jenny, for some reason, LOL.

P doesn't appear to have checked in for over a month and her friend count is the same. Don't know if she hasn't been on or if she just hasn't seen my message, but I just tagged and friend requested her. Would be surprised if I ever heard from her, though. Maybe she'll even block me like Scott did, but I see her more as the ignoring type than the blocking type if she remembers me, and I think she will.

I also left Stacey a message and was surprised at how self-conscious I felt when I did it. My heart even raced a bit. It was nice to hear her voice again. Do I think she'll reply on Facebook or by phone? I'd say there's a 60% chance she'll leave me a voice message, 40% chance she won't do anything.

When Tom leaves I've got a lot of catching up to do as far as my voice blog goes. I haven't done any posts on Bubbly since Friday. I don't usually do it on weekends.

My dreams told me that I was done with periods but I'll believe it when I see it. I skipped my meds today because I felt a little anxious yesterday. It's a good thing I did too, because I can still feel very slight traces of it.

They really are a bunch of idiots at Amazon. I decided to tell them that I wasn't receiving reviews and they asked for a screenshot of the reviews in question. Stupid idiots.

We're going to the IHOP in the wee hours of the morning before he goes to work. I'm sure the music will be blasting there too.