Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Writing Frenzy


I wish it were November already so we could get on with the elections. So sick of hearing about Trump and Hillary everywhere I go! It’s almost as if most people have forgotten that there’s more to life than just politics.

Tammy emailed me to let me know she’s recovering and doing better, so that was good to know.

Chatted with Joe the mailman. When it came up that I once lived in Arizona he asked if I knew if there was anything going on down there right now that makes it hard for people to breathe.

Not that I know of, I told him.

He said his nephew visited from Colorado and went home coughing up blood. He then went to the emergency room and they had to admit him because he had a really bad case of pneumonia.

Well, I don’t know if there’s a connection or not but I do know that when Andy visited a few years ago he had breathing issues. I had problems with tightness when I lived there, even long after I quit smoking and stopped wheezing.

And yet another house is up for sale here. It’s about three houses down, heading toward the freeway.

I have been on a major writing frenzy on top of all the other things I do, so I have definitely been keeping busy. In two days I’ve written 5000 words! Story’s about 35K words now.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Weekend Update

So how long has my dentist been following me on Pinterest? Is it even her? Same name, though the profile pic doesn’t look like her. Maybe it’s her daughter. Some of the boards seem like things I would think she’d be interested in, but some don’t. I looked her up to see if there was anyone listed near us with the same middle name or at least the proper initial and there was.

Got a kiddy Sonicare toothbrush and it’s the best electric one I’ve had as of yet. It’s great for small hands and sits in a charger. This way I don’t have to keep changing batteries.

Went to Walgreens and Wal-Mart. At Walgreens I got this really cool “fish aquarium” I can’t use yet. That’s because I didn’t know it took six C batteries, and we only have one. It's supposed to look like live fish swimming in a mini aquarium.

I also got 4 new wax fragrances… Indigo Nights, Midnight Garden, Sea Grass and Day’s End.

At Wal-Mart I got a small bottle of White Diamonds perfume, and a smaller size of boy short undies. Yeah, I don’t know why my booty’s shrunk, but 6-7 seems to fit it best these days.

Almost all of it was free because I had gift cards. :)

Gotta change the rats' cage and do some things around the house today.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Bye Bye, Contractor

Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES!!! When I was out on a late night walk I saw that the house on the opposite corner was up for sale. This is awesome! This is the one where the contractor lived and would sometimes saw and hammer shit in his garage ALL day long. I recently saw a huge U-Haul over there and was hoping it meant they were moving, but I had my doubts because they seemed too young for downsizing or nursing homes.

Had a couple of Aly dreams. In one of them I convinced her to take me to work with her, hoping we could patch things up this way, but hanging out with her at work really meant waiting for her in her car, LOL.

She waved to a couple of people that were outside their homes along the way, and I thought wow, she really knows a lot of people around here.

Then it hit me that it was to be too hot to be sitting in a car all day. I begged her to turn around and take me back, apologizing profusely for not thinking ahead.

Sure enough, she was pissed and she did a screeching U-turn to bring me back.

Then in another dream we were happily hugging each other, glad to have made up and decided to be friends again. I was practically in tears of joy, but you know what? She threw me away like yesterday’s trash in reality and I’m not “trash” that can be recycled. Not if I’m smart I won’t be. Even if we were suddenly friends again, I couldn’t trust her or believe everything she told me. I would also just worry that she was going to dump me again. So if I’m smart I’ll ignore any contact from her, but I honestly don’t expect to ever hear from her. She’s pretty determined and set in her mind to keep me out of her life.

I also had a dream about rearranging around 20 bottles of nail polish of all different colors, and being by a swimming pool on a cruise ship.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

People


Cut out my diet, caffeine-free soda to see if it would lessen my heartburn. Not sure if it has or not, but I was wrong in saying I don’t miss the stuff. After eating I wanted to go to Niagara Falls, turn it into soda, and just stand under it with my mouth open, guzzling it by the gallons.

For the longest time I’ve hated people in general. I still do for the most part. I think that most people are phony, out to serve themselves, and not very intelligent. I know I’m not perfect myself and that we all tend to be a little selfish in some ways. Even if we don’t realize it, I think we all want to benefit in some way from our relationships, whether they’re intimate or not. Of course I would rather be friends with Stacey than my neighbor. Stacey and I have shared an awful lot about each other in just the eight sessions we had together and we formed a bit of a bond in the end. So naturally I would want to be friends with someone I felt more connected to, relaxed with, and that really understood me.

Lately I find myself wishing that I was around more people more often, but just like you can’t force love, you can’t force friendships either. At least I never could. Anyone I’ve ever come to care about, whether I was attracted to them or not, was totally unplanned and accidental.

As Tom and I were discussing last night and as I totally agree, I have become way more critical and less tolerant with age. I totally admit it. Fortunately I’m usually good with recognizing my faults. I’m just not always as good with changing them.

When I was younger I put up with a lot more shit from people that I would never put up with now. I’d never be friends with the likes of Kevin “Nervous” or Fran. But to me, friendships were sacred and worth doing whatever you had to do to hang onto then. The older me feels that while all relationships of any kind may need some work, if you have to work that hard, then you’re probably with the wrong person. Again, intimate or not, too many disagreements and compromises usually equals a bad match.

The question is where do you draw the line? Yes, I need to be less critical and more accepting, but unless it’s something really big and really obvious, there seems to be a fine line between what most would consider being intolerant versus what most would consider being too tolerant.

I realize that this is a subjective matter. We all have our different definitions of what healthy relationships are versus toxic relationships. Hell, many people consider getting their asses beat as “healthy,” but lay one finger on me and you’re dead and then I’ll dump you. So some things would be obvious as far as where to draw the line, but others I’m not so sure about.

Alison decided to draw the line with my criticism, which in my mind was being totally upfront and honest, something I thought people wanted in a friendship.

Paula decided to draw the line when I tried to explain to her why staying here for two weeks would be a bit long for everybody, thinking what I was really saying was that I didn’t want to see her at all.

Maliheh dumped me after she was confident that I wouldn't use her name in a story.

Andy said he was “just being honest,” when I let him know I’d had enough of his judgmental, arrogant ways and his “cloning.” Meaning that he automatically assumed I felt/thought the same way he did about almost everything.

I have cut ties with many people over the years and they have cut ties with me as well. In both cases I’m sure that many unbiased people who could look at the situation objectively would say that sometimes I deserved to be dumped and other times I truly didn’t. But was I wrong to dump Nane for being a hypocrite or should I just have “tolerated” it and told myself that that was simply how she was? Well, maybe if she were a coworker I had to see almost every day, a little more tolerance would have been in order. But for a woman in Germany that I never met and never would meet, was hanging onto her really worth it?

So again, just where do I draw the line? Some things are obvious and other things I’m just not sure. I suppose the smart thing to do would be not to ask myself what I thought most others would do in a certain situation, and just go with my own gut instinct.

Will I ever again be around people regularly? Probably not. Not as someone who works at home, and well, and I can’t see myself ever living in a nursing home, so I doubt I’ll ever be that sociable. But that in itself has some good in it. Everything has its pros and cons. I guess it’s just a matter of what set of pros and cons you prefer, not that everyone always has a choice.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Normal but Not Normal?


Last night I took a walk in the very warm evening air, and tonight I think I’ll just focus on the Bowflex. Funny how one can look like shit yet fantastic for their age. Either way, this shit-great body is in good shape.

Started having spotting, but like Tom and I both agree, I was probably just having a good estrogen day the day of testing. I still say my symptoms really smack of perimenopause. But maybe normal isn’t normal for me just like with my thyroid numbers. Their normal thyroid reference range flips me from hypo to hyper and I have to remain borderline to have my own personal “normal.” So maybe normal estrogen is peri for me and maybe my estrogen numbers weren’t normal before I started having peri symptoms.

In last night’s dream I decided for some reason that I wanted a guinea pig. Since getting into rats I haven’t missed having them for pets or any other breed of rodent. Other rodents just don’t have that doglike behavior and intelligence. But it was the beginning of summer and I really wanted one all of a sudden. Tom insisted that we wait until the end of summer and I didn’t understand why since we had plenty of money.

Then we were browsing through a pet store. Next to a rabbit family were several cages side-by-side and each one had a dead bird in it. It seemed strange to me that the employees hadn’t removed them and that none of the customers complained either.

Then I was in a gift shop inspecting horse and ballerina figurines, and decided to buy one of the ballerinas.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Sleep Pamphlet

I haven’t text blogged publicly for a couple days because I really haven’t had anything to update. I’ve actually been getting more enjoyment out of my voice blog than my text blog lately. I guess I can mention some sleep stuff and dreams, though.

Last night I slept ok, but shitty as hell the day before. I was SO fatigued. I even felt a bit lightheaded, too. At this point I don’t give a shit if he can’t fix the circadian rhythm problem. Yes, it makes life a bit of a bitch, but right now all I really want to do is sleep a lot better than I have been. Sleeping well once or twice a week just isn’t enough. I’m walking around like a zombie more than half the time and it’s affecting the quality of my life.

Started reading the sleep pamphlet the doctor gave me, and while most of it I already knew and is pretty obvious, there are a few interesting tips and pointers it mentions.

I knew common sources of caffeine were found in coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, etc., but it also says that common pain relievers have caffeine as well.

Exercise should end six hours before sleep, and electronic devices should be turned off a half hour before bed.

Naps should be avoided, especially after three p.m., and if you’re unable to fall asleep within 20 minutes, you should get up and try a quiet activity until you feel tired.

My heartburn has improved since I stopped drinking soda and started eating less.

I had two dreams involving Stacey. In one dream I was chatting with her in her office, and in another I was hanging out with her. She said something about me hanging out with her for the weekend or me choosing to hangout with her for the weekend.

I don’t think I would ever hang out with anyone for an entire weekend, LOL. Too many other things I like to do, weekend or not.

I dreamed of visiting Andy in prison. He was in on child pornography charges in the dream. Then I walked with him to a part of what I guess was the prison where music was playing really loud. I turned a round wooden dial on the wall and lowered the volume.

I also changed the rats’ cage in a dream and used these gross sticky lettuce leaves to line the cage with while the rats “vibrated” in a steel basket nearby. I laughed at the way it rattled.

Then Kate Jackson was in a dream. Not sure what that one was about. It seemed she was finally ready to divulge something to me that I had been curious about and that she’d been holding back on.

Lastly, I was asleep in the bedroom I had in the house I spent my first 12 years in. I woke up to the sound of loud music playing in the bathroom. I got up to investigate and found no one in it and so I turned the radio off that was sitting atop the counter before it could wake the others up. The other 3 bedroom doors were shut and I knew my parents and siblings were asleep behind them, even though I was my present age.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Eye Exam


Wow, 110 followers on Pinterest now, huh? Well, I do have something like 11.2K pins.

Fitbit thinks my resting HR is just 76 cuz I’ve only been wearing it to bed, LOL. While I’m THRILLED to be anxiety-free, I still think it’s more like 85-90, probably 90.

I’ve been doing great both physically and emotionally. I don’t know how long it will last, but I sure as hell am enjoying it while it does. Still don’t sleep all that great, and I still wonder if the sleep disorder specialist can help me, but once upon a time I doubted Stacey could help with my anxiety yet she did. Where my other counselor failed, Stacey was my miracle. I could go on and on about her, but as I said a while back, I prefer to leave her out of my public blogs.

Everything but my sleep has been better. I’m not as lightheaded and I don’t have as many earaches. We may never know why I was lightheaded, but what’s most important is that it stopped. Hopefully it won’t return either. The only way I could get lightheaded is if I go too long without eating.

My doctor said that (along with too high of a dose of levothyroxine) it’s a medical disorder that causes my anxiety. That means I can go for months without incident and then it could get me anytime. Usually, though, something has to be going on to trigger it or it’s physiological, so I’m really hoping my peace will last a lot longer this time. There were a few instances where I could have gone into a panic, but I think Stacey’s EMDR has help to prevent that.

I know I’m back to normal when I don’t mind being alone so long when Tom works long hours, but that’s to be cutting back either way.

We both had our eye exams by the same doctor that saw us last year and she said my close-up vision is a little worse, but my long-distance vision isn’t that much worse. I’m still officially farsighted where Tom is nearsighted. My OH is up a bit at 28. That’s what the air puffer said it was. She then put those numbing drops in my eyes and measured the pressure with a blue light that she said measures more accurately. Our old doc in Auburn did that. At that point my left eye was lower than last year, but my right eye was up. This could have been because I was nervous about her touching my eyeballs with objects. It only took a second, though, to get the measurements. She said she’s not super worried at the moment and that I don’t need drops.

Tom was given drops, though, for his “crying” eye. His left eye waters pretty much all the time and they don’t know why. These drops may stop that. He still has a small cataract in one eye, but it hasn’t worsened. Grow up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts. Good to know I grew up a Masshole then. And that I proofread this, or else it’d read: Throw up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts.

They replaced one of Tom’s broken nose pads and tightened the glasses I’m currently wearing. Just two weeks or less left with these God-awful progressives, then it's back to my bubble bifocals and purple Candies. They don’t look nearly as good as my shiny $400 designer frames, but the older I get the more I care about comfort as opposed to appearance. I wouldn’t be a size 12 if I didn’t.

I could have bought new frames, but I would rather wait and have our insurance pay for them like they do every two years. I have just the perfect pair of children’s frames picked out for next year. I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame, and these frames not only have that, but they have colors I like, including shiny gemstones on the sides.

The only negative to going back to the round bifocals is that I lose the transitions. You can only have that with progressives or lines. The lines would probably be annoying even with an antiglare coating, which I am getting. Bubble bifocals have more of a smooth transition. The only other negative to them is that I lose mid-range vision. They’re all or nothing, and yes, it is a pain in the ass to be stuck in the middle where something is too close for the long-range and too far for the close-range. That’s not nearly as annoying, however, as the “swimming” effects of the progressives. I also hate having to look through a very specific spot in the progressives to see whatever. Shift my eyes and it’s all blurry. Screw that!

I now have something like 3.5 weeks off from appointments, and I’m gonna enjoy every second of it!

It was hot, dry and gorgeous out, but it’s supposed to cool off soon.

Tom needs to get a new regulator for the passenger car window because it keeps slipping down. Either the hook or the cable is broken. Despite being in a gated retirement community, having nothing valuable in the glove compartment, and how things are harder to steal from this kind of car, I didn’t like the idea of someone being able to reach inside an expensive luxury car, so he turned it around so that that window was not visible from the road.

As I told Tammy, it’s a good thing I haven’t been very psychic lately because last night I dreamed that one of my crowns fell out. I’ve had a few trivial dream premonitions, but that’s pretty much it.

I had an awesome night writing last night. Started my book on the 5th and as of last night I had over 25K words written. I wrote for about 4 hours straight, tapping out 4550 words. Very productive and loads of fun, even if I never make another penny from it. Good brain exercise, too. Here’s an excerpt for you:

Define crazy. If you think about it, it might not be that simple to define. I supposed that each individual had his or her own definition of the word crazy. There was crazy-crazy, as in delusional. There was crazy-weird, as an odd, unusual or eccentric. Then there was crazy-mean. The thing is that no matter what brand of crazy Crazy is, Crazy can usually be sensed before Crazy goes crazy on you. Seldom do they take us by surprise, going from a seemingly normal, ordinary human being, to downright crazy and vicious in just a matter of seconds. How one simple conversation could change everything in a heartbeat was crazy enough, but as I was reminded one terrifying day, this can and does happen. Maybe it doesn’t happen very often where we’re taken by surprise and there doesn’t seem to be any warning signs, but it was true… anyone could go crazy at any moment. Anyone. And they could fool those who were typically very good at reading people, too.

I wondered just how many people existed in society that went about their daily lives on a regular basis, fooling everyone around them with how sane they appeared to be, just to snap on those that least expected them to. How many “crazies” were there that left their victims thinking how they were the last ones they ever expected to show such cruelty and commit such deplorable acts? Just how many of them never saw it coming?

I myself never saw the craziness and the cruelty behind Melanie's mask of compassion, sensitivity, kindness and intelligence until it was too late.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Gum Inflammation

Was too busy/tired to write yesterday. Still a little tired, but after taking a nap at the end of what was an obnoxiously noisy day today, I think I can catch up now.

So I wake up to the tune of hammering as they take down the Twenties’ tent, and someone’s mutt yipping on the other side (probably as its owner stopped to chat with someone), then head for Roseville about an hour later.

The doctor’s in the Army Reserves, so I didn’t get to see her. Everyone else was there, including a new girl named J. I told them about the sensitivity, and it turns out that it’s not so much because I have cavities, as it is gum inflammation. H suggests I go back to using an electric toothbrush, but get a kiddy one.

S did an air test to see if that stirred up any sensitivity, but all the x-rays revealed were the start of a couple tiny recessions in a couple of bottom teeth. I had a few 4’s on the gum probe, but I’ll get things back into better shape soon enough.

After I was scaled, polished, flossed, fluoride varnished and given my goodie bag, we were off to a burger joint. All I felt like was an order of fries and a drink.

So 3 appointments down this month and 1 more to go come Saturday. We’re both getting our eyes checked by the same lady we used last time. I hope my OH isn’t up! Definitely doing away with progressives unless they say they can’t pop the old lenses on my purple Candies. Transition glasses are fine, but I hate the dizzying/blurring effect of progressives, and I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame and not separate. Nose pads tend to be too close to my eyes because I’m so small. It’s just that “bubble” bifocals can’t be put in my designer frames.

Wondering if something’s wrong with Simon because he’s been having breathing issues. All 3 of them were out and about last night and they like to do some tenting of their own. I put a piece of old material over the step stool and they like to play under there when they’re not exploring.

Probably going to stop voice blogging on Tumblr because I’m having too many recording issues.

The night before last I dreamed something about a suspected killer, and last night it was spotting a giant spider that I sprayed. Once sprayed it shriveled up, but then it flew toward me. Ugh.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Circadian Rhythm Disorder

I met with the sleep disorder specialist/neurologist. This was in downtown Sacramento in the same building my old endo is in, which meant a long ride with lots of traffic and that stupid valet parking. He’s on the fourth floor while Doc O was on the third floor. Got to go back to this same place two more times this year… to see him in November, and then the cardiology department up on the sixth floor for my stress test in December. I have so many appointments! Just so, so many. I just cracked my 50s and all the appointments sometimes drive me batty. How am I going to handle getting old? I wonder. This month alone I have four appointments. Next up in two days is my dentist. She’s my second favorite doc, runner-up to Stacey. Really sweet person. So is her staff.

Dr. S seems like a nice guy, and he’s from here, which helps me to understand him better when he speaks. The foreign doctor with the funky accent routine gets old.

I had filled out a medical history form about my sleep habits, and he did a series of tests besides the usual things like listening to my heart. He had me stare straight at him and then he would hold up a set number of fingers toward his left or right, up or down, and ask how many fingers he was holding up. Then I had to touch his fingertip and then my nose, and a strength test of my arms and legs by having me push and pull against his arms.

He looked in my mouth and explained what it was he saw that made the dentist ask if I had sleep apnea. Well, I don’t officially have it, which is good, but because it’s a bit “crowded” in my mouth/throat, there is a risk. He explained that usually there’s space above the tongue, but I guess there isn’t in my case. He measured my neck too, which can also be a factor in sleep apnea. You don’t want to be over 18 inches if you’re a man or 16 inches if you’re a woman. I’m at 14 inches.

What I definitely do have is circadian rhythm disorder. I struggled with this most of my adult life, but I kept it secret for the most part because it wasn’t a known and understood problem that was documented in the medical journal before 1999, and I knew that most people would just tell me I was “lazy” or “stubborn” and “didn’t really want to keep a schedule,” so I never bothered to explain it to most people. Even now, as much as sleep knowledge/medicine has advanced, I don’t think many people would get it just like many people don’t get things like anxiety, depression or anorexia unless they have it themselves. Well, let me set the record straight… the anxious can’t always just “calm down,” the depressed can’t always just “smile,” anorexics can’t always “see” how thin they really are, and I can’t just “pick a time to get up, set my alarm, and get up when it goes off.”

He said medication is always a last resort, and that’s a good thing with my fear of medication. Because I’m already in my 50s, while I would like to be able to be helped in order to keep the schedule, it won’t be the end of the world if I can’t be. I have a husband who loves me enough to support me despite my shortcomings, and while it may be a pain in the ass to live with, I’m content to keep on taking care of the house and my job as a writer and software tester. If it doesn’t require a schedule and you want to pay me to do something within my means… Bring it on. I’ll be more than happy to do it.

But maybe he can help me keep a schedule for longer periods of time. Just like Stacey didn’t make my anxiety go away but taught me how to manage it better, maybe it doesn’t have to be so all or nothing with the sleep issues.

Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. He gave me a four-week sleep journal in which I’m supposed to document the times I went to bed and got up, how long it took me to fall asleep, how many times I woke up, what woke me up, how long I slept, my caffeine intake, exercise, medication, and if I ate close to bedtime.

I’ve got a good head start in that I only have one medication I take regularly and one cup of coffee after I’ve been up for a half hour and my thyroid meds have absorbed (no caffeine will be allowed on stress test day). I also exercise 20 minutes or more most days, and I try to make a point of not eating much too close to whenever I’m going to fall asleep because it raises my risk of heartburn.

Another thing I’m going to be doing is gathering my Fitbit information for him.

He also gave me some information from Medscape to go over.

Saturday we’re both going to the eye doctor, then next month is ENT month. Like I said, it never ends.

After leaving Sacramento we stopped at the Panda Express. I was hesitant to do so because the last time I ate there in the 90s in a mall in Phoenix, I hated it. But I was starving and there wasn’t anything else around. It was surprisingly good, though. The fried rice was boring, but the steak and veggies were good, and the honey walnut shrimp was excellent.

After lunch it was off to get my hair re-layered and trimmed. She took off about half an inch. I can keep on dying it if getting it trimmed every six months will help keep it from looking so shabby. If not, then I guess I’ll have to have either long gray hair or dyed hair that I keep shoulder length.

We picked up our meds at Wal-Mart and then gathered some findings in the jewelry section. We got jump rings and split rings, but the splits are hard to work with. Got to get more jump rings. Tom did manage to “magnetize” a couple of necklaces for me. :-)

Monday, September 12, 2016

Stalkers Who Kill


Been watching Stalkers Who Kill. I think it’s pretty pathetic that these psychos were well known to the police in the cases presented yet the police refused to do anything to help the victims. Nice to know they really “protect and serve,” isn’t it?

Anyway, this park really needs to STOP with the damn water games. All I wanted to do was simply take a bath and try my new bath bomb yet tons of dirt was present in the tub as if we were back in Maricopa dealing with wells all over again. The showers and sinks don’t have dirt coming out of them because they have filters. Tom’s going to have to take a hose and drain the dirt from the hot water tank. And the sad thing is that it’s been a couple weeks since the last shut-off, so I know the water’s due to be turned off again any day now. I probably shouldn’t be taking a chance by running the dishwasher like I am right now, but they usually do it earlier in the day.

Despite some sediment in the water and the bath bomb not quite smelling like Love Spell, it was a luxurious experience that left my skin soft enough not to need lotion.

The hot oily water removed my artificial nails but I was sick of them anyway. They look awesome but can be a real pain in the ass for a writer.

Feeling a bit lightheaded yesterday and today but I’m getting a lot done. I did a ton of housecleaning today.

Bob and Virginia had company yesterday. They were pretty quiet for at least a half a dozen visitors. Again I was so glad we weren’t back in Phoenix! There would have been tons of screaming kids, fighting adults, barking dogs, blasting music, basketball games that went on all day just yards from our windows, and trash galore.

I wonder if it was Bob's birthday. I know he's to turn 87 this month.

The fumigators tented the "Twenties" who are now on vacation. I guess they’ll remove it tomorrow.