Sunday, August 28, 2016

Normal T4 All Along, Duh

So I’m sitting there looking at my lab results and the range they want you in, and then it suddenly hit me… my T4 is normal. Always has been. Duh! Yeah, that’s how shitty I am with numbers. It’s 1.2. All hell breaks loose at 1.4. That’s when I have the anxiety that goes beyond anxiety and straight into the realm of terror where I’m afraid to be alone and swear I’m about to die. Only my TSH is a bit high. Not sure how one can be off while the other is normal, but apparently it can be.

Anyway, my only real physical complaint now, besides earaches, is that the lightheadedness and fatigue seem to be returning. So am I going to be this way every other week or what?

Spending more time on Twitter and other social media instead of Facebook. It’s not just the lack of privacy on Facebook, but the same old topics and people I’m so fucking sick of hearing about. 

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Lab Results

Not surprisingly, he can’t smell the super strong scent our latest laundry detergent has left on our clothes, but my bloodhound nose can. I don’t like it very much. I love smelly things, just not this particular smell.

I was shocked to find my lab results have already been posted. My cholesterol is still bad but better, and my thyroid is the same… borderline by their charts but PERFECT for me. Just 2 points higher on the T4 and 5 lower on the TSH and I would have the anxiety from hell.

I didn’t test positive for muscle inflammation. Yeah, that’s because I haven’t been taking the damn statins. I thought it was about time I gave her a heads up rather than surprise her when I see her. This way we can hopefully save some time. So I told her my cholesterol is better because I made it better, and that I need a break from the medication issues for a while. Also, if I do return to statins I might want to go on Simvastatin because I’m pretty sure I didn’t have issues with that. My problem was the levothyroxine in conjunction with a rapid HR and perimenopause.

Didn’t know they tested for muscle inflammation. That’s good to know for if I ever do go back on statins.

She said we’d discuss the thyroid at our appointment, but there’s nothing to “discuss.” I already made it clear to both her and Doc O that 75mcgs is all I can tolerate. For a good long time, I want to go by how I feel and not by what their damn numbers say.

As for the female hormone tests results… she didn’t leave any comments on that and I don’t understand what they mean for the most part. But one of them was high, and according to our research, the closer you get to menopause, the higher they go.

I’m 99% positive the Pravastatins did indeed cause the throat irritation she blames on anxiety, but there is the possibility that the fluoride toothpaste we got online could have worsened that. Even he stopped using it cuz he noticed it was making his toothache worse.

Nothing’s changed… I’m standing a firm ground and not likely to change my mind anytime soon. I really do need a break from the on and off medical drama I’ve been going through the last two years, and I don’t care anymore if Doc A believes me as far as the sore throat goes. I know what’s normal for me and what’s not, and I know what symptoms I usually experience when I do feel anxious. A sore throat isn’t one of them. Besides, isn’t it quite a coincidence that I get a sore throat both times I take the stuff? It’s listed as a side effect, the pharmacist knew what I was talking about when I asked her about it, and that’s that. Again, though, what she thinks or believes doesn’t matter. She works for me and I say I’m not changing my current protocols for a while. I will continue with the same levothyroxine dose and leave the rest alone for now. Then I’ll deal with the cholesterol after I’ve had more than just a few months of serenity.

I did tell her about Tammy (who said she feels the best she’s felt in months now that she’s been stented) but not the details, of course, until I see her next month.

Tammy may be doing better, but Paula’s in big trouble based on the nightmare I had about her. I don’t care what happens to her after the way she dumped me when I told her that staying with us for two weeks, as she automatically planned on doing, would be a bit long for everybody, but every time I would have a bad dream about her, something bad would always happen to her. Every. Single. Time.

In the dream, I was trying to explain something to her that she just didn’t get. Her stupidity frustrated me and reminded me of how slow Andy would be to catch onto things, though Andy was still much smarter than she ever was.

The dream took place in my grandparents’ house. We were sitting on the couch in their den (though they weren’t alive and living there). A guy that was slim but nearly as tall as the ceiling suddenly entered the room from the garage. Just as I was about to ask who the hell he was and why he was barging into the house uninvited, he yanked Paula up with one arm and hurled her into the wall between the garage entryway and the area where a built-in desk was located.

The force in which she hit the wall scared the shit out of me and I turned, ran out of the den, through the kitchen, and out the front door. My goal was to run next door for help, but I woke up as I was running across the front yard and about 10 steps from the road.

I don’t know what shit’s about to hit the fan in her life, but I have mentally dug a huge hole and tossed her, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and Alison right into it. Then I poured gasoline on the 5 of them, struck a match, and dropped it into that hole. Lastly, I have archived them as a thing of the past.

Had another weird dream about dad and his friend Jim, though I never did see dad. Jim is dead, but Charlotte lives in a nursing home, last I knew.

I was in a huge house that seemed to have many bedrooms. My room was at one end of the place. You had to go down a set of stairs that was sort of in the middle of the house and then back upstairs to get to another set of bedrooms on the other side of the house. In one long room with a bathroom at the end of it were two double beds in which I knew was my dad and Jim’s room. I also knew Jim’s bed was closest to the bathroom. I heard Jim in the bathroom (though I don’t know how I knew it was him) and hurried out of the room before he spotted me. I was just closing the bedroom door behind me when I heard the bathroom door opening.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Lab, Carl's & Target

Went to the lab and they were just a few minutes late for my appointment. I told the girl up front that she needed to use a butterfly needle on me, and all went smoothly. Now I just have to hope the numbers aren’t too bad.

I’m a little concerned about Tom and his infected teeth. He’s had issues on and off for years and has lost some teeth over the years due to not keeping up on them. He has the same phobia of dentists as I do with eye doctors. I think it’s getting to be time, though, where he really needs to get things taken care of. He’s a little worried about sedation as an adult with a low HR and would feel safer being sedated in a hospital with MDs, not just a dentist. I get his fears. We always worry and hope that the doctors we see really know what they’re doing. I just hate to see him keep suffering.

After the lab, we went to Carl’s and I had more cholesterol than I’ve had in a month, LOL. Damn, was that burger and fries good!

Then we went to Target. I guess 12 is the new 2. It’s frustrating and sad with all the brats that carry on like wild animals in today’s world, and it’s not just little kids anymore. You’ve got tweens running through the stores screaming their asses off. It’s just ridiculous that one can’t even shop in peace anymore. At least not here you can’t. Oh, to move to Maui. :)

Anyway, since he’s working tomorrow and doing the regular grocery shopping on Sunday instead, we only grabbed a small basket of things.

I didn’t find the particular sports bra I was looking for, but I did help an Asian mom who just moved to the US (at least 3 more foreigners to add to the overcrowding and our overburdened resources) with American clothing sizes.

I was also looking for a midi ring yet they had not one single ring for sale in the whole damn store. I was surprised. Of course, if I weren’t looking for one they’d have tons of them. Isn’t that how it usually works?

The workers tore the whole front and side off of the Twenties’ place.

Well, at night when it’s more peaceful and there are fewer distractions I’m working on my Tumblr voice blog. It’s been a fun, unique and interesting way of journaling.

I just wish I were a little more awake! I gotta get out for at least a short run and do some core exercises. I didn’t work out at all the last two days and I don’t like to take more than two days off.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Yes She Did

So first I thought Tammy had a heart attack, then I thought she was just close to having one, but today I talked to her now that she’s home and stabilized and yes she did. The heart attack was not only happening when the paramedics picked her up Thursday morning but a few days before this as well.

She had jaw and upper back pain. I remember reading an article about a woman who had these pains and didn’t know why. She kept taking pain relievers to get rid of the pain. She eventually went to the ER and the doctor told her it was a good thing she came in because she was having a heart attack.

As I told her today on the phone, I’ve had a feeling for years now that I would eventually die of a heart attack or stroke as opposed to cancer or an accident or anything else. I’ve also had a bad feeling for her for when she’s around 63, but I don’t have a 100% accuracy rate, so that leaves room for hope. Maybe nothing significant will happen to her at that time.

I wonder about those little things we can’t always be sure of, though. At least not unless it kills us. Like that 20 seconds or so of cramps that shot through my left chest last night. It seemed to be behind my boob. At this point, I still think my heart and arteries are fine, especially since the carotid ultrasound didn’t show anything scary, but she urged me to get checked nonetheless. I’ll eventually have a cardiologist to a stress test on me. Heart disease does run rampant in our family and has been the cause of death for almost everyone in the family that I know of. I’d be willing to bet just about anything it would’ve taken out Larry had he not gotten liver cancer first. My problem is that I’m sensitive to medication, so treatment isn’t always an option for me.

Anyway, we were both feeling a little anxious when I called her. Her because she sees the heart doctor tomorrow, me probably because of the perimenopause. It was nothing scary, just a slight elevation being a little over 100 BPM. BP was great today, though, at 115. Tammy and I helped calm each other down just by chatting.

She told me more of what she went through… how scared she was, how they tried to insert the stents into her wrist but had to go through her groin. How she had a nice view from her private room, but couldn’t get much sleep there because they were always waking her up to do something. A nurse will be going to her house.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of all she’s gone through and she’s not even 60 yet. As she admitted, though, it’s been a scary ordeal. As I tell her, she’s still the stronger one.

She loves the flowers, she told me. She sees flowers like I would see a bunch of perfume or a really nice, realistic looking doll. It’s a good thing I knew her favorite color is purple otherwise she would’ve gotten rainbow roses. She’d have liked those too, though, and damn were they gorgeous! The only ones I considered ugly were the giant sunflowers in a brown vase that matched the centers of the flowers. White, yellow and orange flowers never appealed to me. I’m more of a pink and purple person with some blues and reds.

Anyway, I’m glad that for right now my worst problem is hammering at the Twenties, and a very definite “menopot.” Seriously, LOL, I have never been this bloated in my life. Any more and I’ll barely be able to bend over. Tom and S may not think so but I think I look like shit. Not the worst in the world mind you, but shitty enough. If I haven’t had a period by around September 10th, though, I’m going to think this could be it.

Hitting the lab tomorrow afternoon and one of the tests will be my estrogen levels. Hopefully the idiots will post the numbers online like they’re supposed to instead of waiting for days and eventually calling me, and I’ll get a sense of just how far into the perimenopause I am, but at this point, I can’t believe I’ve got much further to go… or that I’ll ever be under a size 10-12 again.

Haven’t had any dizziness or fatigue (other than a little fatigue from not sleeping well) in about a week, and I wonder if that one Benadryl was more helpful than I realized. But my ear still aches more often than it should, and I wake up more often than I should, too. Maybe I’ll take a lorazepam before bed so I’m more likely to wake up less often. Even if I don’t refill my prescription, I might as well use what I have when I feel I could benefit from it.

I think that pretty much covers everything for now. I don’t care about what my estrogen score is, but I sure do worry about the TSH, T4 and lipid panel. The only one I expect to really flunk out on those is the lipid. And then I’m going to have one hell of a cholesterol-fueled party for a day or two and then jump on the Slim Fast or Special K diet… maybe. I can’t force weight off that my body doesn’t want to give up no matter how much I may diet and exercise.

The Mayo Clinic (or was it WebMD?) recommends smaller more frequent meals for the menopot problem I’m having, but that’s not any easier to stick to than larger less frequent meals. You go crazy with hunger due to the waiting time between the larger less frequent meals as you do with skimpy little meals that are just never enough to fill you up. Oh well. Cheeseburgers first, diet plans later. :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Barb & Jen from the NHA

Tammy got the flowers and says they’re gorgeous. I’m glad they made it to her! She deserves them.

Had a near perfect upper BP number reading at 121. Yes!

Got a lab appointment for 4:00 on Friday. Not looking forward to it and dreading the numbers, as always, but certainly they can’t be that bad. My hair’s growing too fast to be low on thyroid, and I remember phone numbers too easily, LOL. I’m more worried about cholesterol numbers.

Did a 32-min RV walk last night. My HR peaked at 142. The beauty and serenity of the park at night helps make up for the daytime annoyances, and damn are there many! Yeah, it’s not a very thrilling thing having to wake up to tons of hammering. God, I am SICK to death of there being one thing after another going on here! We can’t even go two whole weeks without having to hear someone working on something.

Anyway, they’re repairing the damaged wood that the termites destroyed at the Twenties, and I’m sure next comes the tenting.

Right now the only annoyances are the blasting freeway stereos.

Had an interesting chat with Jen on Facebook. This is the Jen that was just 9 years old at the time I lived next to her and her large family at the NHA projects in Connecticut. The family that drove me batshit crazy with their thunderous noise, that never me let sleep, and that ultimately ran me into the ground both emotionally and physically. The whole place did. Between that and still smoking with bad allergies and asthma, I had a total meltdown and ended up in the psych ward for about a week before my father shipped me to Andy in Arizona. Ten days later I got my own studio and then I met Tom after nearly a year.

Jenny lived with her 3 older brothers and parents at the NHA back in 1992. I was 26 and her mother Barbara was 31. I swear that despite all the complaining I do about any noise here, this place is totally comatose compared to how the NHA was. The walls were so fucking thin that when their phone would ring I would think it was mine.

Despite having only a few years in my entire life where I thought I might want a kid, and mostly finding them to be loud, annoying, uncivilized and costly little brats, I’ve always kind of had a way with kids. They’ve always seemed to be drawn to me. Perhaps because I’m small? Or maybe cuz I like bright colors like they do? *shrugs* Who knows? Whatever the case, they would constantly be at my door and sometimes I’d let them hang out at my place. Good luck to me as far as getting any peace outdoors, though, for they would be just as quick to flock around me and smother me as soon as they’d see me.

Barbara had a “tough” reputation and when she finally got fed up with me complaining about her and Dave not controlling their unruly brood, she flew over to my place in a rage, but of course I wouldn’t dare open the door. I was in good shape then, yes, but at barely 5 feet, 90 pounds soaking wet, I wasn’t about to face off with one that had a few inches and dozens of pounds on me, especially when I was sicker than a dog. I was exhausted as hell and wheezing my ass off with an asthma attack that soon landed me in the ER.

With my combination of good long-term memory and expert journal keeping, I looked her up on Facebook just for kicks and gave her the piece of mind I always wanted to give the coward who sued a tobacco company for millions when she got cancer of the larynx in the late 90s and had one of those things stuck in her throat. I don’t know what they’re called. It makes people sound funny when they talk. Tammy would probably know what it is. Anyway, I had said something like, “Come threaten this presently fit, muscular, healthy, smoke-free AND fat bitch now, Barbara.”

It was a few years ago that I read about her lawsuit and at first I was pissed. She chose to smoke and got millions from doing it while we lived in poverty for years… WTF?

For the longest time, I always felt that if there was a God up there, it’s always protected my perps by making sure I either couldn’t fight back or they were out of reach to at least try to. They always remained unpunished and karma always seemed to conveniently forget them. But then I realized that maybe this was to protect me. I mean of course if someone robbed me I’d want them to pay for it… but think about it, I told myself. What if you could have taken her that day she came screaming to your door. What would you have done? Well, the answer’s obvious… I wouldn’t have just stood there. I probably would've kicked the shit out of her and ended up in jail. Would I harm her now if she suddenly appeared before me? Naw, not without being threatened in some way. Then yes, you bet I’d open that door real damn fast no matter how shitty I felt. The older me gets pissed a lot quicker and easier when it comes to bullies whereas the younger me tended to get scared. Trust me, if Rick and Rose Marie paid me the same visit they paid me in Phoenix, I’d be in jail right now. Same goes for the black bitch next to Tom and I a few years later. Our local crazy war vet was a little scary at times, though, but only at first. Once my fear turned to anger, she was smart enough to back off.

I’ll never understand some people, though. How can you provoke people and then act like they’re the ones picking on you when you finally push them enough to get a reaction from them? Really, I hope no one makes any direct threats or tries to harm today’s me unless they’re either very tough or very armed because yes, I will rip them to shreds in a heartbeat. No more shying away and sending the wrong message. Ok, so there are some limits. If today’s disabled Barbara threatened me, then no. It takes a real coward to attack someone you know damn well you could hurt.

Back to Barbara. Well, today I got a message from Jen and at first she was very defensive and not the least bit friendly. She asked who I was and I told her. She then told me that her mother didn’t remember me. I wasn’t surprised. So many people will make casual threats and then forget all about them and the people they threatened (or sought legal revenge on), but the people they threaten never forget them. Really, I don’t think people realize the magnitude of destruction on one’s life you can have with your quick little fits of anger and your “easy” jabs of vengeance. They get on with their lives while others are left to pay for their actions be it with just shitty memories or a huge loss of money and freedom. Trying to tell these people, “It’s in the past and can’t be undone,” doesn’t always resolve the issue for them and achieve closure within their minds. Sometimes it can be like trying to tell a rape victim to just “get over it.”

It felt good to speak my mind and get things off my chest, as silly as it may seem to some people, and even though it’s ancient history.

They got a kick out of some of the journals I shared from those days and we ended up having a few laughs. Barbara remembered me from my pictures and said I was short and cute, and she kinda remembered the grease fire incident too, LOL. Tammy probably does as well. She volunteered with the fire/ambulance department at the time and heard the call go out over the scanner.

As we were discussing, I think Barbara was worried about me catching Dave’s eye, but honestly, I not only respect other people’s relationships, but I also wasn’t the least bit interested in him. Yeah, I was attractive back in those days. I knew it and so did other people. S may think it a shame that today I call myself fat and ugly, but well, I kinda am compared to then, haha.

Barbara and Jen now live in Florida but Dave’s still up north. We all agreed it was now water under the bridge. There’s only about a dozen or so people I could never forgive even with the most heartfelt of apologies and a few of them are already dead.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Home and Alive!

Tammy's home! I don’t know why I thought she was to have a 12-hour operation. Maybe I misunderstood her? The installing of the stents was actually a quick and simple procedure. Sarah updated me yesterday to let me know that she was doing great and able to get around. Hopefully, this will help her to become more active. Being forced to just sit around doing nothing is no way to live. Honestly, I’d rather die than be in a wheelchair for life if those were my only options. Anyway, I guess they placed one stent in in the daytime, then another late at night.

She’s thanking God for having her saved in the nick of time. How about He just stop letting one thing after another happen to her in the first place?

She advised me to tell my PCP, saying it’s something you either have or you don’t… even if you work out. Yeah, I know, but is it all what dad had, or could any of it be from smoking? I wonder this and I asked her to let me know when she gets the chance, and how she knew it was time to call the paramedics. I just wonder what her symptoms were. I’m guessing chest pain and trouble breathing but look at me two years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and needed to call them. Instead, I ended up costing us a few hundred bucks all for nothing. Better to be safe than sorry, but I’d really rather not repeat this mistake.

I intend to tell my PCP, as I do keep her up to date on the family (what’s left of it), but I’m not worried about myself right now, even if I know no one’s invincible. It’s just that with the way medication and I don’t usually get along, I’d rather die younger than take medication that’s either going to make me think it’s going to kill me or maybe even wish that it would.

The good news is that I haven’t been dizzy or fatigued since Friday. The bad is that it’s been noisy the last few days, as usual. The typical landscaping, traffic and project annoyances. Yesterday it was door-slamming day. Today was hammering day.

Walked outdoors yesterday evening, said hello to Geri along the way, and will probably do the same tonight. I did an office walk. I call each route a different name, depending on where in the park I go and how long I feel like walking for. A duck walk is the shortest route we take. Then there’s an office walk, an RV walk, and a perimeter walk. My hip joints have been doing great. I walked for 30 minutes and my HR peaked at 149.

I sure have been doing a lot of driving in my dreams lately. I was driving Tom and I somewhere, only the wheel was on the other side like in England. Suddenly, the seat was too far back and my feet could barely reach the pedals. I stopped the car and Tom got out. Then he came around to my side, sure that he could solve the problem simply by placing a wad of Kleenex under my foot.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Tammy Stabilized

I might have been mistaken in saying Tammy had a heart attack when in fact she was very close to having one. Either way, it’s a serious matter. Sarah updated me today and said she’s doing well and they caught the two blocked arteries before it could turn into a massive heart attack, but they haven’t put the stents in yet.

I also might be mistaken in assuming it’s what dad had. According to my research, it could be because she smokes, but we may never know for sure. It’s probably a combination of both.

Tom’s abscessed tooth is infected again and I’m wondering how much time he’s got left before he’s going to have no choice but to deal with dentists despite his phobia. He would opt to be knocked out and have everything done it once.

A friend of mine suggested I could have leaky gut, something Tom and I never heard of till she shared a link about it. I do seem to have many of the symptoms, but I’m not worried about it right now.

I’ve had two wonderful days without lightheadedness or fatigue, but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t last much longer than a week or so if even that.

There are a white pickup and a white van working on something at the Twenties today (probably exterminators) and annoying me by slamming doors. I still don’t understand why people don’t just leave their vehicle doors open if they know they’re going to be going in and out of them. Of course one of them is parked alongside our carport, too.

We headed to the clubhouse last Sunday and were surprised to find both parking lots in front and at the side deserted. So was the pool. That pretty much told us something… that the water was chilly, and it was. We still took a quick dip anyway, and the sun felt so good, too.

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car that got stranded at an intersection. I didn’t have my phone and I tried to wave down the two female cops that passed me, but they didn’t see me. I rolled down my window and asked the guy that walked by if he had a phone and could call for help. At first, he didn’t seem interested in helping me and actually seemed annoyed. Just as I was about to cuss him out, he pulled a phone out of his pocket and called for help.

Then I had another dream where it snowed here. A lot. :(

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Tammy in Hospital with Heart Attack

Started off my day with some very sad and scary news. I’d just gotten up. It was a little after 11pm and I saw I had a VM. My first thought is Tammy when I see I have VMs, since I don’t use my phone that often. But since we recently talked I hoped it might be S if it wasn’t a wrong number. Well, it was Tammy only I couldn’t understand a single word she said. It sounded totally under water, but I could tell by her tone that something was wrong.

So I called her back to learn that she suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital. :( It’s been going on for a while, too. They misdiagnosed her, telling her she had pneumonia when all this time it was really massive fluid building up around her heart and lungs. Had they done a chest x-ray, they’d have caught it right away. She’s extremely lucky she didn’t have a massive heart attack. Otherwise, she’s not the least bit lucky. She said something about realizing she was in trouble at 4am and calling the paramedics. I don’t know what her symptoms were but I guess she might have had trouble breathing. Anyway, having a medical background, she knew she was in trouble just by what the paramedics were doing.

She also said something about them putting in a stent due to arterial blockage and that tomorrow she’ll be in surgery for 11-12 hours to drain all the fluid and I’m not sure what else. Open-heart surgery is also a possibility later on.

Basically, it’s the same shit that dad had and that Larry probably would have had if his liver hadn’t killed him first and that will probably come for me too, eventually.

As we agreed, I contacted the girls and Norma and asked that they leave updates on the feed.

For now, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. We feel hopeful that she’ll pull through not only because she’s a pretty damn tough woman, but because they didn’t do emergency surgery right away. OMG, though. I thought something was picking on my health.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Ah, Energy!

Today is the best I've felt in days. It's wonderful to have my energy back! I finished the housecleaning and had plenty of energy left over. I definitely have to stop breaking up with the Flintstones. I can still feel fatigued at times even on vitamins, but I think they really did make more of a difference than I realized before I stopped taking them.

I don't even feel light-headed. The lightheadedness and dizziness seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. Not knowing how long my energy will last; I'm definitely going to make the most of it. This means we will probably be going swimming this afternoon regardless of any brats that may be there that aren't supposed to be after 1pm.

Blood pressure was 122/77 yesterday and I didn't have a fever, even though it is possible to have an infection without a fever. When my back molar got infected that the county quack pulled, I had pain but no fever.

Got some more energy-boosting foods like apples, peach parfait cups, and spinach, but thanks to my fellow Hashimoto’s buddy, she reminded me that some of those foods block thyroid hormones, so I have to go easy on certain foods. Especially with labs just 10 days away.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Gimme a Break!

I haven't been writing much because I've been feeling so shitty. I almost called Tammy to bitch about it, but she has her own problems. It's getting to be more and more of a struggle for me to keep up with my daily activities. I have to stop and take breaks a lot, even when there’s so much work to be done. It's all the more reason I want to slap those that bash homemakers. It is a huge HUGE job as there is always so so much work, even when there's just two of you.

But this is 2016 and it also isn't India or the Middle East, so I am seen as the runner-up from the welfare bum despite taking care of the place and my writing. The only thing I've done “right” in society's eyes these days is that I skipped motherhood, but you know what? Fuck society and what it thinks is the so-called correct way to live. :) I'm just saying that keeping up a house is a lot of work, especially when you don't feel well. Even in small places, it was a lot of work.

I feel like my health is going down the drain fast and I don't know what the hell to do about it. I have labs in a couple weeks, then I see my PCP after that, but I don't know if she's going to be able to help me or not. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m horribly run down. I'm dizzy, I'm warm, I’m feverish, and sometimes my heart races and I have the runs. Well, not totally the runs but kind of in between, as gross as it sounds.

Same thing happened today. I was tired and dizzy as usual, but I also felt warm and flustered with an HR between 110-116. Also felt a bit weak and winded, but then I hit the toilet and I felt a little better afterward. Still a little run down and lightheaded, but a little better.

I just wish I knew what the hell was causing this. We're still leaning towards a combination of perimenopause, PMS and allergies. I wondered if my high BP could be a factor, but there have been times when it's been low and I still felt dizzy, and then there's been times when it's been high and I didn't feel dizzy. We've ruled out an infection as being likely since some days are better than others, and infections simply don't take a day off. I just hope it's nothing serious. I know I have to die someday anyway, but I would still prefer another 20 or 30 years of life.

My upper BP was 158 two days ago, but it was 134 yesterday, and that's the lowest it's been since we started monitoring it.

“You're stronger than you think and more capable than you know,” she told me. Funny cuz I don’t always feel that way. I just miss having an overabundance of energy. I feel more tired now with my thyroid treated than before I was diagnosed. My stomach is still a little iffy, too. I keep hoping that someday I will get better and there won't be one thing after another. I also remind myself that this is better than the killer anxiety that I was having, and while that may be true, suffering is still suffering. So why compare when bad is bad?

Believe it or not I kind of miss my treadmill so I did a few minutes on that which is basically all I could do at the moment. If I can ever get my energy back maybe I'll mix it up and do 15 minutes on the Bowflex, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then 15 more on the skier.

Tom has been working overtime like crazy. Some hot shots are going through the place now.

Again I restarted my vitamins, but don't know how much good it's going to do me. Anything I can think of to try to help myself, I'm going to do it. I'm willing to do almost anything at this point. I looked up energy boosting foods. The thing is that I already eat some of them. But I can always add the sweet potatoes and the spinach, right?

Yesterday I felt worse in the morning than in the afternoon, though I never really felt much better until the end of my day. That’s when I took a Benadryl to see if it would help. I'm not sure if it's made much difference but my ear is less achy. I took it before bed because it always knocks me out. It didn't help me to sleep sounder, though. I still woke up a lot. The only problem with Benadryl is that it can cause you to sleep forever. I slept on and off for something like 10 hours when I usually need about 8.

Despite not feeling great, I did some more reorganizing around here yesterday. This time I concentrated mostly on the hutch drawers and cabinets.

Cappy was pretty funny the other day when Burke was out and about. Burke walked up to his cage where they went nose-to-nose. Cappy tried to grab him when he got close enough and it was funny because it looked like he was throwing a punch at him.

Had a dream S was driving us somewhere. Although I don’t know what it was she said, I laughed and said, “You sound like a psychologist.”

Hmm… mean anything? I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately in my sleep. I’ve gotten win notices that never panned out in my dreams, and I never had nightmares warning me about Tammy's last allergy attack, both uncharacteristic of me.

I exited a cab in another dream and walked into a pizza parlor. I ordered a pizza and the guy said they were out of the veggies I wanted it topped with so he substituted with other veggies. He asked if that was ok and I said, “I hope so. The pizza’s for my niece, not for me.” Then I realized I’d left my keys in the cab.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Missing My Energy

Where yesterday was Tammy's birthday, today’s her anniversary. Mark told us that August was a romantic month for him. Well, it’s certainly been a fun month for me with some rather interesting revelations. :-)

Despite all the fun, it hasn’t been without some annoyances. The water is off yet AGAIN from 8-4 today, though they were late in turning it off. All these water outages are just fucking ridiculous. The park may not be responsible for the poor installation that was done when the park was built in the 70s, but the fact that it hasn’t been fixed yet is pretty pathetic. So between that and all the landscaping noise, I wish we could move at times, but I just don’t know where we could go that would be any better, or even if we could afford to move right now.

My top BP number was 138 yesterday. Much better than the 150s and 160s, but I still worry that my "white coat hypertension" may have taken off its coat.

I'm carrying enough water to look like I could win Miss Beach Whale 2016, but don't have enough estrogen to trigger a period. At least not yet anyway.

As for that kick-ass immune system of mine that even kills what it's not supposed to? Well, Tom and I are both coming down with colds. Shall I go on with the fatigue, lightheadedness and achy ear? I woke up with a sore throat and while that much is a little better, my head still feels funny. Sort of like it’s under pressure or something.

Still enjoying the skier, but I wish it had a wider stride. I don’t have long legs, but I’m pretty flexible. I don’t think I’ll do much working out today, though, because of how I feel. I’m seriously getting tired of being so run down so often. I feel like the old lady that I’m not at times. I used to have an abundance of energy almost all the time. Now I’m lucky if I have good energy just half of the time. :(