Friday, August 19, 2016

Gimme a Break!

I haven't been writing much because I've been feeling so shitty. I almost called Tammy to bitch about it, but she has her own problems. It's getting to be more and more of a struggle for me to keep up with my daily activities. I have to stop and take breaks a lot, even when there’s so much work to be done. It's all the more reason I want to slap those that bash homemakers. It is a huge HUGE job as there is always so so much work, even when there's just two of you.

But this is 2016 and it also isn't India or the Middle East, so I am seen as runner-up from the welfare bum despite taking care of the place and my writing. The only thing I've done “right” in society's eyes these days is that I skipped motherhood, but you know what? Fuck society and what it thinks is the so-called correct way to live. :) I'm just saying that keeping up a house is a lot of work, especially when you don't feel well. Even in small places it was a lot of work.

I feel like my health is going down the drain fast and I don't know what the hell to do about it. I have labs in a couple weeks, then I see my PCP after that, but I don't know if she's going to be able to help me or not. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m horribly run down. I'm dizzy, I'm warm, I’m feverish, and sometimes my heart races and I have the runs. Well, not totally the runs but kind of in between, as gross as it sounds.

Same thing happened today. I was tired and dizzy as usual, but I also felt warm and flustered with an HR between 110-116. Also felt a bit weak and winded, but then I hit the toilet and I felt a little better afterwards. Still a little run down and lightheaded, but a little better.

I just wish I knew what the hell was causing this. We're still leaning towards a combination of perimenopause, PMS and allergies. I wondered if my high BP could be a factor, but there’s been times when it's been low and I still felt dizzy, and then there's been times when it's been high and I didn't feel dizzy. We've ruled out an infection as being likely since some days are better than others, and infections simply don't take a day off. I just hope it's nothing serious. I know I have to die someday anyway, but I would still prefer another 20 or 30 years of life.

My upper BP was 158 two days ago, but it was 134 yesterday, and that's the lowest it's been since we started monitoring it.

“You're stronger than you think and more capable than you know,” she told me. Funny cuz I don’t always feel that way. I just miss having an overabundance of energy. I feel more tired now with my thyroid treated than before I was diagnosed. My stomach is still a little iffy, too. I keep hoping that someday I will get better and there won't be one thing after another. I also remind myself that this is better than the killer anxiety that I was having, and while that may be true, suffering is still suffering. So why compare when bad is bad?

Believe it or not I kind of miss my treadmill so I did a few minutes on that which is basically all I could do at the moment. If I can ever get my energy back maybe I'll mix it up and do 15 minutes on the Bowflex, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then 15 more on the skier.

Tom has been working overtime like crazy. Some hot shots are going through the place now.

Again I restarted my vitamins, but don't know how much good it's going to do me. Anything I can think of to try to help myself, I'm going to do it. I'm willing to do almost anything at this point. I looked up energy boosting foods. The thing is that I already eat some of them. But I can always add the sweet potatoes and the spinach, right?

Yesterday I felt worse in the morning than in the afternoon, though I never really felt much better until the end of my day. That’s when I took a Benadryl to see if it would help. I'm not sure if it's made much difference but my ear is less achy. I took it before bed because it always knocks me out. It didn't help me to sleep sounder, though. I still woke up a lot. The only problem with Benadryl is that it can cause you to sleep forever. I slept on and off for something like 10 hours when I usually need about 8.

Despite not feeling great, I did some more reorganizing around here yesterday. This time I concentrated mostly on the hutch drawers and cabinets.

Cappy was pretty funny the other day when Burke was out and about. Burke walked up to his cage where they went nose-to-nose. Cappy tried to grab him when he got close enough and it was funny because it looked like he was throwing a punch at him.

Had a dream S was driving us somewhere. Although I don’t know what it was she said, I laughed and said, “You sound like a psychologist.”

Hmm… mean anything? I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately in my sleep. I’ve gotten win notices that never panned out in my dreams, and I never had nightmares warning me about Tammy's last allergy attack, both uncharacteristic of me.

I exited a cab in another dream and walked into a pizza parlor. I ordered a pizza and the guy said they were out of the veggies I wanted it topped with so he substituted with other veggies. He asked if that was ok and I said, “I hope so. The pizza’s for my niece, not for me.” Then I realized I’d left my keys in the cab.

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