Saturday, December 31, 2016



2015 ended on a fearful note and 2016 begun on a hopeful one. I was to take my first Lexapro pill and hope it would combat my anxiety, but as it would turn out, it screwed with my already messed up sleep patterns even more. Going through menopause was not easy at all, though I was having fewer issues with my heart racing.

I began experimenting with different things to help calm my anxiety, and found that chicken had a calming effect on me, probably due to the tryptophan in it.

After a month without Andy in my life, I couldn’t say that I missed him. I was ready to let him get on with his life and his false beliefs about me, his paranoia, his immaturity, his stupidity - the whole damn 9 yards - and I was ready to get on with mine.

The Germans were kind enough to take in the Syrian immigrants and they thanked them by raping them because their twisted minds/laws and religious fantasies tell them it's ok to do this to women. I was disgusted and still am.

Returned to my counselor S, and wow. No therapist had ever been so helpful! I got a dose of Chinese medicine that is known as emotional tapping. It can be used for anxiety as well as other things.

I was calm for several hours before my appointment with her, but a few hours before leaving I noticed the “butterflies,” as I call them, begin to kick up just under my rib cage. I tried to breathe them away and I tried to will them away, but they just wouldn’t dissipate. I was stuck in a horrible cycle where you get anxious and then you get depressed because you’re frustrated that you got anxious.

S is a very easy-going woman who is very understanding, compassionate and knowledgeable. I honestly didn’t think she would be able to help me at first because what’s causing my anxiety is physiological. But then as Tom pointed out, being overweight is physiological yet exercise helps it.

The emotional tapping seemed silly to me at first and I really didn’t see the point in it, but it is surprisingly helpful.

We both ordered a Fitbit that monitors, sleep, heart rate and how active we are. He got a black one in extra large and I got a tangerine one in small, though I thought it looked more like red once it arrived.

We booked a room toward the back of Deck 6 on Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas for the 30th – 4th!!! It was a superior ocean view stateroom with private balcony.

The plan was to fly from Sacramento to Fort Lauderdale on the 29th.
The ship embarked at 4:30 pm on the 30th and we would spend the 31st at sea.
We’d dock in Cozumel at 8am on the 1st and set sail again at 5pm.
We’d arrive at 7am in Costa Maya the next day and leave at 4pm.
We’d spend the 3rd cruising and return to Fort Lauderdale on the 4th at 7am.
On the 8th we’d return home.

We’d then rent a car and drive up to Tammy's where we’d check into a nearby hotel.

We were to fly first class and layover in Houston. As Tammy said, it was a shame that it’s taken so long to see each other, but we were both so incredibly excited!

Got lavender scented toilet paper for the first time and I kind of like it. It’s different and I like trying new things. We went treasure hunting at Goodwill where I found two cute dolls and a cute fake plant.

Decided to stop attending aerobics classes in the mornings. They kept it way too warm in the clubhouse and I hated the old music they’d play over and over again each time. I would stick to walking around the park or using my treadmill when the weather wasn’t nice. Also on my Bowflex.

A began to really annoy me with her clinginess and constant demands. Sometimes I was busy and she would take it personally. I wished she’d do more to help herself. I wasn’t a professional trained to deal with depression, after all. I wished she was busier and knew more people. She didn’t have any local friends, though, and her only job was as a part-time nanny.

The more I got to know her, the more I saw that yes, she was intelligent, creative and perceptive, but she definitely had her share of emotional problems. I figured her health issues may’ve been part of the reason why. Blood cancer is a tough road to travel down.

Was delighted when Alexa was enabled for reading Kindle books, even if she didn’t always remember where she’d left off.

Did an adrenaline test that I ordered on Amazon, where you spit in 4 different tubes throughout the day. The doctors tested my blood, but not my saliva. This way I could rule out anything that might show up there.

Went to Payless. I got a pair of black women’s shoes in 5.5 that can be worn with both casual and dressy clothing. I liked how the strap crosses the top of the foot at an angle.

I also got a pair of girls’ sneakers in bright neon yellow with hot pink laces and accents. Now I had a little variety for running shoes and still loved my black ones with the Velcro ties and hot pink soles.

When I let Bob and Virginia know when we’d be leaving, Bob asked if we’d mind if he trimmed some of the bushes bordering the properties, always looking for something to do, and I told him that’d be no problem at all.

Saw S again, and because I was doing so much better she asked if I’d prefer to see her on an as-needed basis, or if I’d feel more comfortable knowing I had an appointment down the road. I chose to just call if I needed her.

Later in the month, I won a cute 18” vinyl doll.

A was still driving me crazy with her demands and putting guilt trips on me, however unintentional that might’ve been. I didn’t want to give up on an otherwise good friend, and I felt bad for the physical and emotional hell she was going through. I just wished she’d stop insulting me by saying I didn’t care. I cared. I just couldn’t be there for her every second of every day.

At the end of the month, the results of my cortisol lab tests came in and I was normal on two tests and on the low end of normal on the other two, which was good but at least did indicate something was up hormone-wise. As in the perimenopause I wish my original team of doctors had been smart enough to recognize.

Tammy began having surgeries to help lessen the pain her fibromyalgia has caused.

Upgraded my Mac to OS X El Capitan.

On the 29th we took off real early for the airport. Several hours later we were checked into our Fort Lauderdale hotel room at the Red Carpet Inn, even though there wasn’t a stitch of carpet in the room.

Before leaving the hotel in Fort Lauderdale, I updated on Facebook, Twitter, and texted A.

Then came the real nightmare. Something was wrong with the ship’s computers and there were some issues with immigration, so all four thousand of us had to wait in line in the sun for over four hours. I had a heatstroke, and a woman trained in CPR was kind enough to help since the crew didn’t give a shit.

Someone else handed me a bottle of water as well as a banana and that helped even more. I was thankful as hell. I was so damn dehydrated that when I overheated my body couldn’t even sweat to cool me down.

I wasn’t the only one to suffer a heatstroke. Paramedics came for someone else, too.

I was so weak and exhausted by the time we boarded the ship, but couldn’t get food and rest right away because we had to attend roll call and go through all the emergency drills they have you do. Even after that, getting food delivered was no easy task. The service was absolutely horrible. We were both so frustrated. It was such a horrible waste of money.


The only thing good about our Royal Caribbean cruise was the food in the Windjammer. We enjoyed the spa as well, and of course, I did a little shopping in hot, humid Cozumel, Mexico. We shopped for ourselves as well as for family and our neighbors, Bob and Virginia. Bought some things from some of the Promenade’s seriously overpriced stores.

Choppy seas prevented us from docking in Costa Maya the following day just as it had prevented us from docking in the Grand Turk & Caicos after stopping in Puerto Rico and the Bahamas when we cruised the eastern Caribbean in 2007. So we not only got shitty service, but we didn’t get to go on any excursions either.

It took me about 3 days to fully recover from the heatstroke. I felt drained, disorientated and just overall shitty. I managed to sleep ok, though, and liked our stateroom better than the one we had on the Westerdam. We also had a private balcony and it was nice to enjoy despite the constant sea winds. We sailed so close to Cuba it almost felt like I could add another country to my travel list.

The banging from the neighboring rooms was maddening and we couldn’t even get the Internet we paid for. We forgot to take the laptop’s charger too, so its battery life didn’t last throughout the entire voyage.

On the last day, I had a Fire and Ice mani-pedi. Jill from Jamaica did a great job on my toes, which I chose to have polished in blue, but in buffing the ridges from my fingernails she made the nails, which I had done in pink, too thin and brittle.

We gambled a bit, but never played miniature golf or went rock climbing.

After nearly a quarter century, I got to run into my big sister’s arms for a long, emotional embrace AND see my lovely niece Sarah! That was on the 2nd. Met Becky the following night at a diner we all went to. They both looked lovely and I was thrilled to see them after so long.

It was wonderful meeting Mark too, who’s such a great guy. He had some interesting stories to share over dinner. He grilled us steaks one night while Tammy made a roast another night.

Tammy's home was beautiful, but Florida was surprisingly chilly. She took us to the beach and some really nice stores. We got so much stuff in both the US and MX that we had to get another suitcase. She and Mark gave us some cute knickknacks and a necklace, too.

Our hotel was spacious and had a great view of the marina from its private balcony. The only time I didn’t appreciate being there was when they had a live band playing downstairs.

I definitely liked her city better than ours. We knew it was risky to change states again till he retired, though. The cost of living may be higher in Cali, but so was the pay.

As much as I knew I’d miss my family and the warmer weather, it was nice to be back in the comfort of our own home. Was surprised to find I’d won a pressure cooker not long afterward.

Went next door and told Virginia about our trip and gave her and Bob the same small wind chime I gave Tammy and got for us. What was funny was how determined she told me Bob was to have fun shaping some of our trees. He was welcome to trim away since he had more time to do so than Tom had.

The house diagonally from us sold and our new neighbors, a couple of women, have been quiet so far.

Saw Doc L one last time and was bummed to learn she’d left because she was the first shrink I ever met who wasn’t crazier than her patients.

Got a $5 GC from Amazon for doing a survey, so I got a miniature Bernese Mountain puppy to add to my animal and fairy collection.

Jackie, across from our carport, had serious water damage from a leaky hot water tank. So I had to listen to them work on fixing that for weeks.

I worried about A’s health, chatted with Marie who would always have a special place in my heart, chatted with Christiane who went down to Austria to do some skiing, and sometimes I missed Nane. Not enough to oversee her negative traits, though.

I splurged on a new purple Keurig coffee maker.

One of Tom’s coworkers gave him a small diary in which I wrote my dreams in. Once filled, I placed it in one of the bedroom’s built-in drawers to wait for some future owner to try to decipher.

Tammy’s fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis worsened and she had several procedures done to try to lessen the pain and gain a better quality of life.

Considered trying a cockatiel as a pet until I read that they were typically messy and noisy.

Went treasure hunting at Goodwill and got a gold figurine of a rat that’s fairly large, and a small parrot figurine that goes perfectly with the larger one I got in Florida.

I also got an 18” vinyl doll with a nice face and well-sculpted hands. I replaced her drab outfit.

Realized I hadn’t seen Hazel in ages. I figured that if she was still alive she’d been moved to a nursing home somewhere. She was pretty out of it last I knew.


Started the month off by waking up with a pounding heart. I was also having some unpleasant mental reflections. Time kept jumping around in my mind as I compared my younger self to my current self and what was easier now vs. what was easier then. I compared my way of thinking and viewing the world, and wondered what that might be like years from now.

I still worried about us suffering in this life as well as in any possible afterlife, even though an afterlife seemed scientifically impossible. I tried to shut it out, but my mind went to every possibility out there.

We ordered Echo Dot from Amazon so we could have Alexa in both the living/kitchen/dining area as well as in the master bedroom. Sometimes I liked to listen to audiobooks while coloring in the living room and other times I liked to listen while relaxing in the bedroom.

A troll named Cindie (if that’s even her real name), was showing a dark side I didn’t know existed. She was just an online acquaintance who I knew wasn’t all there, but whose worst fault seemed to be being a pest. She went to Valleyhead, too. I didn’t know much else about her other than that she had Asperger’s.

Then one day I decided to unblock her. Dumb assumption to think that these 50-somethings would be much different after a handful of months, though! Cindie wasted no time messaging me like crazy, wanting a texting buddy. I politely explained to her that I had no interest in texting since I found it much more convenient to keep in touch with people online. Cindie took my declining to text with her the wrong way and said I was being “cold” to her and that she “wasn’t going to deal with my attitude” and to “watch out” and “later cunt.”

I reported the message and blocked her, not that I expected Facebook to take it seriously at all.

I sipped hot caramel apple cider and listened to the rain after getting a beautiful long rainbow pillow that I had absolutely no use for yet couldn’t resist anyway. I guess I was just a real sucker for colorful rainbows. ;)

I also got a 19” figure of the new Wonder Woman. Very realistic looking with a pretty face, and able to stand on her own.

H cleaned my teeth and the dentist confirmed a cavity in my back right upper molar. It was so big it needed to be crowned… ugh.

The dentist wondered if I snored or had sleep apnea. Something about the way my tongue flopped back, I guess, but nope. I only snore a little bit at times, according to Tom.

The new office assistant sold me on one of those ultrasonic essential oil diffusers. She had peppermint oil in the one she had running on her desk. The one I ordered had a color changing LED light in it.

A emailed me to say she was deactivating on Twitter, and it was kind of funny because I was considering the exact same thing. I was bored with it and I also wanted to shake K. I knew it shouldn’t bother me, but the thought of her playing the victim and blocking me from the many accounts she’d create still got to me at times. I felt like I was letting her play the victim she never was, in a sense, by keeping accounts known to her.

Got my hair trimmed by an older lady I remembered from my first visit to this particular salon last May. Yes, it had been 10 months since my hair last saw a pair of scissors.

I also got this expensive, but awesome Paul Mitchell smoothing leave-in conditioner that smelled real nice. Great for the hair.

We made another Amazon order in the middle of the month. Tom got a new lunch bag for work that would allow him to take cold foods so he had more variety for lunch and breaks.

I treated myself to Linda’s Lollies, 24 different flavored lollipops that were only 90 calories and would last a long time.

I also got a Texan bull and a seal to add to my collection.

I grabbed a mocha latte lollipop at Michael’s yesterday, but it tasted like very weak chocolate. I also got a mini journal, a bracelet with clear stones that are super shiny, a mini coloring book that’d be great for traveling, and a couple more animal figures. A decked out fairy horse, as they call it, and a Jack Russell terrier. Lastly, I got some floral tissue paper that isn’t exactly for noses. The way it was packaged made me think it was, but it’s a bit thick and stiff for that so I used them as drink coasters.

Won a one-year pass to Pandora One, and also a pricey facial serum, some samples, some bath beads, and a really nice cosmetic bag.

I moved our little 2-seater round kitchen table into our very large master bedroom so I could work in there on noisy days.

Found myself becoming more ashamed and disgusted by the black population’s increasing violence, partly thanks to Black Lives Matter’s encouragement, which was determined to disrupt everything it possibly could. I was not only sick of hearing about race being used as a crutch and a weapon against others but was a firm believer that violence wasn’t the answer to solving problems. I wonder – and still do – when society will put common sense over “political correctness.” Saying blacks were responsible for most crimes 25 years ago was a fact. Today it’s “racism” as is so many other things. I found it ridiculous how blown out of proportion things had become.

Andy replied to the last journal entry I sent him before I got fed up and threw in the towel. He said most of what I said made no sense. I wasn’t surprised. Most things didn’t make sense to the slow-to-catch-on guy.

Was dismayed to find that K not only visited my Prosebox journal but was back to creating accounts there and blocking mine. I wondered how many more years it was going to take her to see that I really didn’t want anything to do with her. Couldn’t we coexist on the same sites without the needless blocking games? I had nothing to say to her and knew I never would. She was just too dishonest and delusional.

A, however, continued to defend K, make excuses for her, and guilt me into not being there for her every second of the day.

And then she shocked the shit out of me by dumping me. Yes, the person I thought would be one of the last ones to do something so cruel decided I “didn’t think much of her,” and that we were different in our ways of thinking and handling things. Oh, and also for being too blunt. So what was I supposed to do? I wondered. Lie? Keep my mouth shut and never say anything I didn’t think she’d want to hear no matter how true it may be?

She said I’d become very judgmental and critical of her and that she can’t forgive me even though she’s usually a very forgiving person. I could agree that yes, I could get judgmental at times, but in my mind, I was simply being honest with her. I wasn’t trying to offend her or anything or demand she live her life a certain way.

But I knew it was more than just me telling her what she didn’t want to hear. No, it went far beyond that to the fact that I wasn’t her “type.” Just like some women were drawn to abusive men, A liked friends who were mentally ill, unreliable and not very bright. That was obvious in how close she was to K, M and probably others much like them.

As A admitted, she was a habitual liar. I’d caught her in many lies but chose to overlook them and focus on her positive traits. However, the ultimate insult came when I discovered she not only hadn’t left Twitter like she claimed, but had another account I discovered in which she spoke of being excited that I’d be gone on vacation for a couple weeks. After I’d gone out of my way to text her from hotels knowing she’d been suffering depression. To find this and to have been told that I wasn’t there for her when in fact I was there every single day, was beyond insulting.

I was hurt and angry to the point that yes, I admit I bullied her online a bit for a while after discovering this. She did apologize to me, admitting she was doing it more for herself than for me. That was no surprise. A always did think of herself first and foremost anyway.

I missed her at times and the 8 years I at least thought we were friends, but knew she was never a true friend, and even began to question other stories of hers. Like did she really have the rare blood cancer she said she had? Was she really undergoing chemo? Because she sure was pretty active for one going through such horrible treatments. Either way, she had K and M and they were as crazy as she liked.

Sometimes I found myself missing rural living, away from all the traffic and people. I missed seclusion and peace (when dogs weren’t barking like crazy), but didn’t miss the lack of utilities and mail services.

Our motion censored kitchen pail broke and I was kind of glad. I know Tom loved high-tech stuff, and I usually did too, but I never cared for the damn thing because it would go through batteries like crazy. I just wanted a regular, no-frills pail.

Added a gorgeous window mural for the bedroom of cherry trees in a park with bright lush green grass.

Did a ton of shopping at Wal-Mart and on Amazon at the end of the month. Tried another nail fungus killer on the 3 toes that were infected, got some more essential oils so I’d have a better variety, new bath gloves, a couple of coloring books, and Herbal Essence shampoo. I just couldn’t get into TRESemme. I also got a hot pink thong, two pairs of sweatpants (pink and black), and 3 pairs of shorts (pink, gray, black), my favorite popcorn and 5 more animal figures.

Decided to stop doing aerobics at the clubhouse. They continued to keep it way too warm in there and I was tired of having to do it to their shitty music.


Found myself wishing, as I did many times, that they’d implement a rule forbidding projects other than in emergencies on weekends so I could at least know I could count on those days off from the racket. Having two days of peace I could count on would be nice, but weekends were hit or miss.

Sometimes I still wondered if maybe I should dump the rest of my friends and delete or at least disappear on them, but I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do so. It may’ve been safer that way, but I just couldn’t do it. At that time, however, I wasn’t open to any new friendships.

It also continued to bother me that so few people from my past ever sought me out on Facebook and places like that. I knew that maybe they did and they just hadn’t reached out to me. Or maybe they did reach out and I didn’t get the message. Facebook likes to keep it a bit hard to contact people that aren’t in our circle.

Had an asthma attack after a bike ride. First one in 6 months. I was glad for the emergency Ventolin inhaler I got from my PCP last December. Despite being run through the wringer a bit, emotionally I’d been doing great.

Had a little cyber fun with Polly and Ruth. That was my dear cousin and aunt, which I hadn’t seen in decades that never really gave a hoot about me. It was nice, for whatever it may be worth, to get some things off my chest in a convenient and legal way.

About a week into the month I got my permanent crown placed on my upper back molar, then we went treasure hunting at Goodwill. We could easily afford expensive stores that sold brand new stuff, which we did go to, but there was just something about being surprised with old treasures at Goodwill.

I got a heavy Dalmatian figurine very similar to the one I got from them not too long ago. Also got a miniature doll in hot pink (my fave) and a couple of porcelain dolls, only I wanted one of them for its wig.

We bombed the place before leaving.

Shortly before the middle of the month, we did another Amazon order. I got a pillow with shredded memory foam to ease my stiff neck. I added 6 animals to my collection of miniatures… a macaw, a swan with babies on her back, a horse and rider, a greyhound, a collie, and a donkey. I got a case for them and whatever others I could fit into it. I also got another oil diffuser like the color changing LED one I got not too long before it.

After researching a doll I got from Goodwill, I found it was an Ashton-Drake doll by Gail Ferretti. It didn’t surprise me given the appearance of its face and body size. This type of doll is usually a bit expensive.

Saw my ENT doc, which was quick and painless.

Finished all the episodes of Criminal Minds on Netflix that were available, and then I tried to get into CSI Miami.

Was excited to redo our floors after the totally AWESOME 3D floor designs I’d discovered.

Bought a $60 juicer and found it to be a pain in the ass that I didn’t use it for long.

My wins slowed down and I decided not to renew my sweeps subscription in May unless they started picking up again.

I was inspired to write the book Shane, based on a dream I had which gave me the idea for it.

Tom got a raise. Not as much as we would have liked but better than nothing.

Was PO’d to learn that Cali was going to start giving free medical to illegal children. So now parents in Mexico could bring their little illegals up by the dozens and continue to burden our resources while many people that are from here get second best service all the way… and have to pay for it.

We both had lab work done, and I was noticing that I felt dizzy lately, though pleased with how much better my hair was looking and feeling since getting a trim and Paul Mitchell’s Skinny serum.

Tom got over $150 worth of gift cards from work… Chili’s, an Amex card, and something else.

Doc L left and our appointment was canceled. I was slightly disappointed. She was a nice lady and the only shrink I’d ever met that wasn’t crazier than her patients.

At the end of the month, Hoodie, our two-year-old rat died.

Had a bad dream and woke up with a racy heart. Sure enough, I later learned that my LDL cholesterol was very high. Plus my red and white blood cell count was elevated. I declined any cholesterol medication at the time, too afraid to take anything, thanks to my fear of medication.

On the last day of the month, our washer started smoking and died. Then we replaced it with a front loader. I like it a lot, though it does have a few negative points.


Started off the month with great news. My Endo, Dr. O, released me now that we’d got my dose regulated.

Wasn’t impressed with the 3D flooring and the way they stretched the design a bit (pink roses against gray rocks). Decided they’d look great backing the bookcase, however.

Did some research and found a local “rattery” that bred rats for temperament and health by being sure to handle them as babies. We were considering contacting them.

Won a pair of LED work light bars in an instant sweep on Amazon. Nothing too exciting.

Got my period a week late and cleaned my glasses and jewelry in our ultrasonic jewelry cleaner.

My anxiety was minimal at this time, but sometimes borderline. Although I was never a fan of jazz music, I found it to be as relaxing as I knew many believed it to be.

The park continues to turn the water off every week or two to repair old pipes.

Saw fairly recent pics of Mike M and his wife Daryl. Both looked pretty good for their ages. Mike was the high school music teacher I had a crush on.

Received an apology from A and began to regret how I handled things. However, we continued on our separate ways.

A coworker gave Tom some candy apples that were leftover from some kind of fundraiser. The gourmet treats were great.

We went to Best Buy in the middle of the month where Tom got blue earbuds to listen to music with at work with the gift card he got from there.

At Target we got over $100 of stuff yet it only cost us $30, thanks to the GC’s they gave him. He got a really nice pair of pruning shears. I grabbed a pair of slippers, a pack of neon colored ankle socks in six different colors, and a gorgeous necklace where the chain is gathered with a small gold clasp at the chest and then two chains dangle down toward my bellybutton, each with a clear crystal hanging off the ends.

Finished the Dutch course and planned to review my Italian next.

Discovered PinDown, a great way to download my Pinterest boards.

During the third week of the month, my wireless Bluetooth speaker with the color changing LED lights arrived and it ended up in the bathroom. That way I could listen to music when showering if I wanted to.

Went to Denny’s and will definitely not be going back. It was busy even at 3:00 in the morning! Furthermore, the service sucked.

Stopped at Walgreens after Denny’s and got a cute, colorful tunic that was almost 70’s looking with its wide lace trimmed sleeves that are gathered above the elbow. I also got a pink floral scarf.

Began watching the series Slasher on Netflix, and really liked it. I couldn’t get into CSI: Miami, but CSI: New York was ok. Not as good as Criminal Minds and Law & Order, though.

I saw the woodpecker that annoys us here and there.

One of Kim’s friends sent me a friend request and I accepted it (a black girl who also went to the Willie Ross School for the Deaf). This is the Kim I knew in the 90s back east.

At the end of the month, I was pretty annoyed by the labs, doctors and billing department’s lack of organization. I went to the lab and waited all for nothing, as it wasn’t time yet for thyroid testing.

Went to Goodwill again where I got a cute purple glittery squirrel figurine with “jewels,” and a dark purple skirt with a black stretchy waistband.

We worked on the master shower, but the stems and valves needed replacing.

Not sure why, but my bad ear was worse. Tom suggested I check into a pain management specialist, saying that maybe there’s a simple technique that could help it just like the emotional tapping helped with anxiety and other things. I figured I’d wait, though, as I had enough appointments to deal with.


Visited my PCP on the first and while my lungs and heart sounded good, she talked me into taking half a 10-mcg tablet of Pravastatin every other day.

She also wanted to send me to a sleep specialist and do an arterial ultrasound of my carotid artery to make sure no blockage was causing my dizziness.

We had the car smog tested and went to Chili’s for beef quesadillas and French fries that weren’t very good. Went treasure hunting at the GW after that and got a couple of sun catchers and a pair of pink scissors.

Tom replaced the broken stem in the master shower, and we met a woman named Mona at the pool.

Had an anxiety attack after my second dose of Pravastatin and stopped taking it. My doctor then urged me to do a retrial, so I decided I would do that when Tom went on vacation the following month.

I reorganized some areas of the laundry room, hallway, and bedroom.

Began watching Bates Motel on Netflix and loved it.

Our dark purple flannel sheets and new pillow arrived, though the pillow was exactly like the last one only longer.

We got Cappy a wheel but he wouldn’t use it.

Went for my carotid artery ultrasound and the tech said he didn’t see anything worrisome.

There was a 20-minute power failure toward the middle of the month.

Found these really cool stick-on designer nails for girls. Because I have small fingers they were a perfect fit.

Had a bad dream about an old lady in Texas that follows my blog. Sure enough, she had another attack that messed up her vision even more.

Decided to switch back to a non-electric toothbrush to see if it would lessen my cavities since I have soft enamel.

Got a pair of black, melon and mint leggings that fit the best of all the leggings I’d tried in the last couple years, which had nice soft material.

The park turned our water off two days in a row, which really pissed us off, and Tom dyed my hair for me.

Bombed the house and saw S 3 weeks into the month. It was agreed that she would do EMDR on me to help prevent future panic attacks.

Jackie moved and in came a couple named Jon and Carolyn.

Ordered some stuff on Amazon, including toothpaste like Restore that's supposed to help close up cavities. It was called Squigle Tooth Builder.

I also got some sculpting clay and tools, leggings, and light blue Egyptian cotton sheets.

Bob and Virginia disappeared during the last week of this month, and I quickly chatted with Geri who lives across from us.

On the day Tom turned 59, my niece’s father died of cancer.

After watching a movie that reminded me of a 5th-grade teacher in the elementary school I went to that I had a “crush” on, or whatever the proper word is for being just 10 years old at the time, I looked her up and was surprised to find she died just two months earlier.

I continued to struggle with intermittent fatigue and dizziness, and was surprised to learn they were closing the pool earlier due to vandalism.


Camp NaNoWriMo began and so did my project, The Interviews.

After my first dose of the statin retrial, I was hit with the same sore throat as the first time and stopped it after 4 or 5 doses. The pharmacist I spoke to about it said it probably wouldn’t go away despite being a very effective drug. Not surprisingly, my PCP felt the sore throat was due to anxiety. I began to wonder if she’d say that about everything I ever felt, LOL.

Heard back from the woman I contacted at the rattery and even got a really cool new cage. It was huge and cost a little over $200.

Went to Mel’s super early on the morning of the 5th to escape the crowds, but you’d be surprised how many people are still out and about at 4am here.

Watched a few episodes of the series Bones, but wasn’t impressed.

At Target I finally found the ideal handbag. It was medium-size and a bold shade of pink.

We also got a new file box, which we seriously needed, and some folders to go with it.

Went treasure hunting at Goodwill. I grabbed a pink beaded necklace, a pair of really large barrettes that’s hard to find, and a cat toy for the rats since rats like to chase things, too.

We ate lunch at Carl’s and they charged us for bottled water, which we felt they shouldn’t have because we ordered combos that were supposed to include drinks. We would have preferred soda, but the soda machines were broken.

The evening of the 6th we were to meet a woman to pick up the three male rats we adopted! We met her mother instead in Taco Bell’s parking lot. Because one of the dark rats turned out to be a hermaphrodite, they substituted him-her with a Dumbo rat. This worked out better because I think having two dark rats would have made them hard to tell apart.

I named the Dumbo rat Dumbo, the other dark one Burke as he was a Berkshire rat, and the Siamese rat Simon.

They were a little shyer than I expected them to be, but I planned to work with them and give them lots of love and attention.

Tom printed some brackets with the 3-D printer to make it easier to attach the baseboards we got to the legs of the couch in order to keep them from nesting underneath it when out and about.

Saw S on the 8th and as I told her, I almost wished I could see her every month for life since I always felt so much better afterward. I knew I would probably always have a fear of medication in general, but it was nice that I could finally take the painkillers once again that I’d always taken for cramps and whatnot without fearing something bad would happen.

She began EMDR sessions on me and helped me to see that I wasn’t so weak and helpless after all (the day I was traumatized two years ago by the horrible reaction to the levothyroxine). I did manage to dial 911, and I did get the back door open as well.

Our ultimate goal was to make it less likely for me to panic in the future if something scary happened. She waved two fingers in front of my face as I saw done on some YouTube vids I’d checked out, only she moved them faster than I expected. Keeping my head still, she had me follow her fingers with my eyes. I found it much harder than I thought it would be to move my eyes so fast from side to side, so she switched to up and down. During those times I was supposed to think of a negative trait I believed I had at the time, then later a positive one. In between these hand movements, which would only last about 10 seconds, I was to walk myself through the horrible and terrifying event…

My heart suddenly booming in my chest.

Running out of the bedroom.

Running down the hall.

Fumbling with the new phone I wasn’t yet familiar with and hoping I could call 911.

Finally getting through to 911 despite how shaky my hands were.

Next… getting the back door open in case I didn’t survive until the paramedics arrived.

Stepping out of the house and into the carport, phone in hand, trying to remember the space number for the dispatcher.

Seeing a curious worker across the street glance at me through the Cyprus trees at the sound of my frantic voice.

Hearing the sound of the paramedics approaching.

Moving toward the end of the driveway.

Relief running through me as a young redheaded guy exited the passenger side of the fire truck.

A gurney wheeled from the back of the ambulance that was parked behind the fire truck.

The paramedics hooking me to a cardiogram.

Them assuring me that I didn’t accidentally take a lethal dose of levothyroxine and that I didn’t have a heart attack…

Then we talked about how my fear ultimately ended up turning into confusion and then to anger, since it took me so long for my old team of doctors to give me any real information. In fact, they were so unhelpful that I got a new team of doctors. They explained what happened (pocket flares in the thyroid) and was given more helpful and effective solutions.

The left break light on the car went out as someone in the park told us, so we got it replaced.

A few days after the rats’ arrival they continued to be horribly and disappointingly shy. They let me handle them and they didn’t bite, so that much was good.

On the 10th we’d been in our house for 3 years.

On the 12th I got into it with the rattery chick online about the rats. Like many people out there, she couldn’t handle people’s honesty very well if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. But as I told her, having decided to speak up after all, the rats were incredibly skittish and I could’ve gotten the same thing or better for so much less at a pet store. The rats weren’t vicious, but they weren’t friendly. Burke was kind of loosening up a bit, but the other two still ran like we’re going to kill them.

Rattery Chick offered to buy back the rats, but Tom wanted to keep them. We tried to place Cappy, our older rat, in with the three newbies, but he tried to attack Burke, the dominant rat of the trio.

They added S11 of Criminal Minds on Netflix toward the middle of the month, so I was sure to catch it.

On the 13th my sore throat was back and I began to wonder if the special toothpaste I had ordered was the cause of it. I still believed the statins started my sore throat since I got it both times I took it but wondered if it would have gone away had I not started using the toothpaste at the same time. Either way, I was fed up with the medication drama and determined to take a break. Especially since no plaque had been found present in my arteries.

I briefly chatted with Virginia and gave her our new cell numbers.

I decided to rejoin Tumblr. I wanted a voice blog as well as another place to back certain things up at.

Saw S in the middle of the month and realized I had really, really come to like her. I began to wonder – and hope – if the feeling could possibly be mutual just based on not so much anything she said, but the way she said them and her body language.

I left her office that day determined to take back the park. My anxiety had stolen enough enjoyment from it, so I was determined to not let the thought of venturing out on my own scare me.

My periods continued to be highly erratic and I began to be harassed by Rattery Chick and her mother. Her mother proved to be batshit crazy with the long dramatic voice messages she left me threatening to take me to court for “slandering” them in my blog. She demanded my address so that they could serve a warrant for a cease and desist, etc. Oh, and as a disabled war vet I was triggering her PTSD and she needed to be medicated just like her disabled “child” that was really an adult with children of her own, as I would later learn. She tried to use her disability as a crutch and a weapon against me too, but that had nothing whatsoever to do with anything and I would never have even known she was disabled had they not chose to tell me.

I was also harassed and threatened via email by the daughter and on Facebook by Mommy Dearest. I was never worried, though. I knew I hadn’t broken any laws. All I’d done was piss them off by telling them things they didn’t want to hear.

On one of my evening walks, a guy on our street stopped me to ask if we’d seen his dog. This is the house that has a couple of young girls living in it that aren’t supposed to be there. He said it escaped out the doggy door, and I was thinking… a doggy door in a retirement community where dogs are supposed to be household pets only? When I said something about hoping the park didn’t catch him he looked horrified for a second.

For a while, my dizziness eased up, which was a great relief to me, but then it slowly returned along with the fatigue.

Toward the end of the month, I got some fun stuff from Amazon: A toe ring, a couple of swimsuits, a couple of necklaces, and a necklace holder.

Made a home video to share with Tammy. I also made a quick rat vid.

Two years ago I’d gotten 3 sets of scenic curtains. I hung a beach scene by the front door and a garden scene in the dining area. The forest scene never got hung anywhere until I decided to replace the sheer lace curtain in the laundry room for extra privacy. It looked awesome in there!

I’ve remained anxiety-free, but there’s no way to know how the EMDR is going to affect me unless something bad happens, but of course, I don’t want anything bad to happen in the first place in order to find out.

Ordered an exercise skier so that it would be easier on my hip joints. Also, it’s quiet compared to the treadmill so I could watch TV and listen to audio books easier. I started Scream, though only 1 season was available at the time.

On the last day of the month, we went to Goodwill. Got some incense and a cute squirrel figure to decorate the patio with.

Then we did something that felt sooo good! Yes, it felt so good to get it all out after 3 years of sitting back in silence. We finally voiced our opinion of life in our park in an anonymous survey.

As I learned the hard way from past experience… if you complain, people can’t handle it and they retaliate, no matter how legit and reasonable your complaint may be. This way I could let them know how sick I was of the constant landscaping sounds, especially in the winter. And finding kids in the pool after hours, along with the damn water outages as well. I left out the motorcycles and other loud traffic, wanting to address the most important issues.


On the 2nd Pinterest changed their site around. I always hate it when sites change their appearance/layout. You get hooked on one way, you get used to the setup, and then it’s gone. I still enjoy and use the site very much. I just liked it the way it was.

Got a new exercise skier, or air walker, as it’s called. Love how it’s impact-free and whisper quiet so I can watch my shows while I’m on it.

We got new hubs for our Fitbit dongles so we could sync them straight into our computers since their app often had issues.

Met our new neighbors, the “Twenties,” and I could say they’ve been quiet so far if it weren’t for their termite project that’s taken a couple weeks to complete. Lots of loud hammering and vehicle doors thumping up a storm. Very nice people, though.

On the 5th, 25 people were laid off where Tom works.

The next day I was remembering Rosemarie, the beautiful bigot I met in 1992 in Phoenix because it was her birthday. She was a year older than me. I wondered what the Italian Texas native’s life was like these days. Was she still under the influence of abusive, controlling men? Was she just as hateful as I remembered her to be?

I realized that I wanted to crawl out of the protective shell A had caused me to slip into but was afraid of getting burned again. Therefore I continued to keep most people at arm’s length.

On the 11th, I met with my counselor with mixed emotions. We had a great meeting, and as much as I hoped I wouldn’t need her again as a therapist, I hated to think it was goodbye forever. But she told me I could call her, and I gave her my contact info. Planning to contact her on Valentine’s Day if I didn't hear from her first or needed to schedule an appointment with her.

They turned our water off on two separate days for nearly 6 hours. I was so frustrated with that and the daytime noise that again I thought of moving but had no idea where we could go to escape it. Instead, I let them have it anonymously online, and this time I included how annoyed I was with motorcycles being allowed to roar in and out of the place.

We ordered rat supplies and another pair of nighties for me.

I continued to have intermittent dizziness on and off, as well as earaches. Took my BP for a week or so and I seemed to be all over the place with the upper number. Sometimes it was normal, other times it was too high.

The 17th – Was realizing just how fun Burke had become. Such a playful little guy!

The 21st – Tammy was hospitalized after having a congestive heart attack. They placed two stents in her arteries.

The 22nd - My new turquoise ankle bracelet fits perfectly.  Sent Tammy purple flowers in a purple vase, knowing that purple has always been her favorite color.

The 24th – Had a brief chat with Barbara and her daughter Jenny from the NHA. They got a kick out of old journal excerpts I shared with them from those days back in 1992.

The 26th – Made my Tumblr blog a voice blog. Went to the lab, Carl's and Target.

The 28th – Cholesterol was still bad but better. Thyroid the same.

The 27th – Amazon order: A variety of incense, and a dozen color-changing solar lights to decorate the front with, a 12-pack of mood-changing lipsticks, a temperature-changing mug, and a necklace with real pressed flowers.


The 3rd – The Twenties take off for vacation for two weeks and have their place tented while they’re gone.

The 4th – Moved my old desk out of the closet and into the bedroom. That’s where I will work during the daytime when it’s potentially noisy.

The 9th - Passed my EKG. Next up is the stress test (for my heart). I was surprised to be told I still have good estrogen. Then why do I have dizziness and fatigue???

The 10th - Congrats to my dear hubby for once again making Employee of the Month! Got a rat calendar for next year, a rat coloring book for adults, flavored lip gloss, purple wireless earbuds, and a Love Spell bath bomb. Grabbed some magnetic jewelry clasps because I’m tired of dealing with lobster claw clasps.

The 11th - I also ordered some fragrance oils, Choco Musk, Maple Syrup, Brown Sugar and Brown Sugar & Fig.

The 13th - Had my visit with the sleep doc to discuss my circadian rhythm disorder. Going to keep a log of my sleep and see him again in Nov.

The 15th - Had my teeth cleaned. Don't have cavities so much as I have gum inflammation. Didn't see the Doc. She's an Army reserve, so she was out.

The 17th - Had our eye exams. OH was up a bit but not too bad. Tom's cataract wasn't worse but he was given drops for his "crying" eye.

The 25th - Got some fun things at Walgreens & Walmart... scented wax cubes, smaller undies, White Diamonds perfume, and a lighted "fish aquarium."

The 27th – Love my new snake necklace! Also, love how they gave me an extra gold chain.

The 29th – Got my Sugar Babies K-cups yesterday. Caramel hot chocolate that is Devine!

The 30th – My book The Wrong Sister reached 40K words.


The 1st - Ordered a long sleeved dress in wineberry for the winter and brown knee-high boots. Also ordered a bedding subscription for the rats, plus some other things they’d need now that Cappy occupied the upper half of the cage.

Got my new glasses but knew I might have to use a smaller screen.

The 2nd – We got our first rain of the season, and I got 2 lipsticks, candy and some horrible incense at the dollar store.

Ordered mid-range single vision glasses for me, and standard transition bifocals, so I could continue enjoying my large 32” monitor.

The 5th - Got an alert saying someone in Latvia logged into my Twitter account. Though nothing appeared to have been sent or changed, I changed PWs anyway.

The 8th - This month's Amazon order: A Y-shaped ring necklace, a pink cut-shoulder shirt, boot socks, and a figurine of a brunette in a red bikini. Also got a more powerful air cleaner to put by the rats. A 22” tower cleaner that targets bacteria and odors much more efficiently.

The 11th - Updated my Mac to Sierra from El Capitan.

The 20th – The park turned our water off for 4 hours.

The 22nd – Got bath bombs at Bed, Bath & Beyond, a rainbow headband, K-cups, junk food, and had my passport photo taken at Walgreens.

The 29th – Finished my book, The Wrong Sister, which was over 61K words.

The 31st - Started a 30-day trial of Amazon Music Unlimited.


The 1st – Did a huge Amazon order. Got a pink sweatshirt, an ash gray sweatshirt with a cat face, a rat hideaway, a LUX light for my circadian rhythm disorder and a new hand vacuum. Also got shower bombs, black zebra patterned stockings, an aurora borealis sweatshirt, and black skirt.

The LUX light would prove to be worthless, and the cat shirt too big on me. Being a unisex sweatshirt, it fit Tom nicely.

I also got a black dress from a previous order with a jagged hem and found it to be more like a tunic. It was way too short, even at my height.

The 4th – Saw my ENT who told me I had arthritis in my jaw joint and that my ear looked fine.

The 5th – Sarah was hospitalized with stomach issues, but luckily she dodged having to have surgery.

The 8th – I was stunned out of my mind to see Trump get elected for president. Were we really more sexist than politically correct? I didn’t think so, and popular vote showed that. Still, I was shocked, saddened, angry enough to hope he and his sidekick were assassinated, and a little bit worried as well. I understood his stance on Muslims, but I didn’t agree with anything else he had in mind.

The 13th - Got blue leggings, a rose-gold barrette, and Hawaiian Lei bath bombs at Walgreens.

The 14th – We got a lot of rain and the African daisies in front were abloom with their bright yellow color.

The 19th – The master bath sink sprung a leak and we got a nice new, stylish faucet at Lowe’s, and also a duster made for ceiling fans.

The Supermoon was bright but not noticeably bigger.

The 20th – At Target I got a couple of necklaces, Birthday Cake bath bombs, and pink/purple furry slippers.

The 22nd – I canceled my appointment with the new shrink since I was no longer taking lorazepam.

The 23rd – Loved the glass rainbow wind chime Tom got me as an early birthday present.

Got a new glass dish for my wax fragrance warmer. A tiny hole had burned thru the other one as it got old and yucky, dripping wax onto the bulb.

My new tan strapless bra fits well, and the skirt I got was beautiful but way too long to wear as a skirt. I'd have to wear it as a tube dress.

The 12-pack of tank tops I got, each in a different color, fit perfectly. They were also much better quality than I expected.

Enjoyed a complimentary sampler Walmart gave us for being new online customers.

As expected, the park turned our water off for an hour.

The 24th – Loved our new carpet cleaner!

The 25th - Tom dyed my hair. This time we used L'Oreal's Colorsilk.

My gold chain fashion belt arrived and fit great. Same went for my new black shirt with the cutout 3/4 sleeves.

The 27th – We transferred our cactus plant into a large pot that was left here.

The 28th – A fucking Muslim refugee terrorist tried to kill several people at the OSU where my cyber friend Christine works, but fortunately the animal was killed. As I still ask, how many more years are we going to allow these savage beasts into the US?

The 29th – Ordered a portable heater to place by my desk and a long sleeved leopard dress that was just $6 on AP.

Went vegan for the sake of lowering my cholesterol in preparation for labs, and was surprised to lose 4.4 pounds. Then I had some spotting and my hunger levels went up, signaling that I might not have hit menopause just yet after all. I realized that if I ever really could lose weight, I would probably have to wait until I no longer had cycles. The PMS hunger would only cause me to eat back on whatever I’d lost, though by the end of the month I was only up 1 pound.

The 30th – Got sick of my voice blog and decided to make it a text blog, storing yearly life updates there instead.


Dec 4 – Turned 51 and went on a shopping spree. At Walgreens, I got pomegranate bath bombs, a leopard print car for the rats, a sparkly headband, snacks and blue stick-on nails w/white snowflakes.

Dec 6 – More pointless changes on Pinterest.

Dec 7 – Received my 40-pack variety of K-cups and my new 54-cup K-cup holder.

Dec 9 - Got a burger and fries after the lab and felt yucky. Yes, going vegan was the right thing to do.

Dec 10 – RIP Cappy.

Anxiety begins to return.

Dec 13 – Saw my PCP and got a flu shot.

Dec 15 – Left a message for S to call me. My PCP’s nurse said that after my stress test they may order a special heart rhythm monitor for me.

Dec 12 - Lost a total of 8 pounds and was genuinely worried I’d gone from hypo to hyper, especially since I had the runs and my TSH was just 7.75! Not much change with my cholesterol. It was still pretty bad.

Dec 18 – Got my first real period in 3.5 months. Went to Walgreens where I got a rainbow beanie baby, pink nail polish, candy, incense, and lavender bath bombs. At Walmart, I got hair dye, soda, scented wax cubes, and treats and a wooden borough for the rats.

Received my rainbow print sweatshirt.

Dec 22 – Went for my echo stress test, and then my session with S was awful. Was very hurt, shocked and angry to have been led on by what was otherwise a very helpful person into thinking we’d at least keep in touch. She was the last person I expected to let me down like she did. It was like I was meeting with a whole ‘nother person I had yet to meet, and I left her office feeling confused rather than less anxious and more hopeful for the future. I had no doubt that she had been attracted to me and then got scared off by her own feelings. I knew I couldn’t have suddenly become that bad at reading people. This didn’t lessen my disappointment in realizing we would never even be just friends.

A few days later I sent her a letter telling her how I felt and why I canceled our appointment. I did it more to get things off my chest than because I felt I owed her an explanation.

Despite the fact that I feel confident that she never meant to make me feel the way she did, I still felt how I felt and I never even so much as got a single apology for it.

I decided not to seek another counselor because I didn’t think I would be able to trust them, and since S and I both believe my problem was physiological, I didn’t see what more I could be taught about anxiety and how to deal with it. Furthermore, I knew that there was a chance that I might suffer from intermittent anxiety for the rest of my life, and therefore it was important that I learned to adapt to it without always running to someone.

Got desperate enough to try Estroven as I was feeling like shit both physically and mentally. I was anxious, I was crying, I couldn’t sleep, I had no appetite, I had no energy, and I had the runs.

Dec 23 – Chatted with Tammy who really cheered me up, which I appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

Dec 26 – Ordered a 3" gel-infused memory foam topper, salty caramel cappuccino K-cups, new air filters, plus mouthwash and breath strips for Tom.

Dec 27 - Nasal allergies were acting up. It was time to go back on my spray.

Canceled the appointment I was supposed to have with S on January 4, scheduled an appointment with the new shrink, though I wouldn’t be able to see her until May, and updated my PCP’s nurse since my PCP was on vacation. The nurse informed me that my stress test was normal.

Dec 29 - Stopped the Estroven due to a tingling feeling in my throat and mouth, which the lady at the number on the box said can happen.

Dec 31 - Began redoing our floors, starting with the laundry room and second bath.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Warm Sun, Cool Air

Slept ok last night. Lungs were a little tight when I woke up but relaxed later on. My throat is better today and my nasal allergies backed off as of yesterday now that I’m back on the spray. Not feeling anxious or fatigued today. I went on a 15-minute walk and will do another 15 minutes on the Bowflex.

The sun was warm and the air was cool. On the way back I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. I was surprised because it’s been so damn cold here. I said hello to a couple with a dog by the lake, and to Bob along the way. I also exchanged hellos with him a couple days ago on the way to pick up the mail when he was taking down their Christmas lights.

Started another story, so that makes 3 unfinished ones. Maybe someday I’ll be able to focus better and for longer periods at a time. It isn’t always just a lack of concentration, but sometimes I do get busy with other things and I just don’t have the time.

Now that I’m caught up on my shows, I’m going to look for a new show to get into on Netflix when I’m eating or on the skier. The next season of Bates Motel is going to be added next month. This is good, but I hate having to try to remember where the story left off. Wish they would stop deleting things, too.

Three times today and three times yesterday I heard the park making their landscaping racket with their insanely loud blowers. I don’t understand why I have to hear this shit nearly every single day. Why do they need to do this more than once a week???

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Allergic Reaction

Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need a medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percent.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold in which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with salt water and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it for once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

Just got a message from my PCP's nurse. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink's waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with S, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than S had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from a friend on Facebook. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected there because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support her kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only have fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items with a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant, which I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dre, m Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

CK & Estrogen

I can't believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for the estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

So now that my heart is ticking happily on its merry way and my hormones are going to hell, I think I’ll go edit my book.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Ah, Calmness

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately, I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling S, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now S can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

As always, I appreciate people’s feedback and I know someone on Prosebox said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with another friend that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple nights ago. That and Claritin D has been known to trigger nightmares.

My nieces are going through a really tough time right now, though I prefer not to write about other people's drama. I doubt it's anything they wouldn't mind me mentioning, but still...

I had a dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.

Monday, December 26, 2016

The Last Two Days

Written yesterday:

Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

Tom thinks that along with the perimenopause, S had a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends. It was never that was "desperate for friends," but I really looked forward to her as a friend because of how comfortable I felt with her and how much I came to admire her. I have since lost my trust and respect for her, but this doesn't mean I hate her or think she's a bad person. I honestly don't think she meant to give me the wrong idea. I will be mailing her a letter letting her know just how I feel. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation.

Next week I will cancel my appt with S and rescheduled the shrink. After the New Year, I will update Doc A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Written today:

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be as shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead, we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Trying to Catch Up

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer on and off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious that it makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First, my meeting with S didn’t go so well (I may expand on that later), then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully, we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking suck in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Hormonal Hell

December 15

So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday until now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

A friend confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is, since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse is answering her messages. The nurse told me that after my stress test they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is still that I’m still heart healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow-up two weeks after the echocardiogram with my PCP to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing S.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card, and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

December 16

I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue is going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart pounding fiercely. With the covers I was too warm and without them I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with the racing heart I had the runs and felt short of breath.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from S… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finish the laundry and do the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of because the lorazepam has left me too drowsy. I’ll publish it later.

December 17

Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

*shrugs* I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back-and-forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes, I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

December 18

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods that the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the meds was July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that S’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the Lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity that had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterward, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream, I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had a long, detailed scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody that paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality, our house has a front and back door, but in the dream, there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find an inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.