Sunday, December 18, 2016

Hormonal Hell

December 15

So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday until now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

A friend confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is, since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse is answering her messages. The nurse told me that after my stress test they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is still that I’m still heart healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow-up two weeks after the echocardiogram with my PCP to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing S.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use sometime, plus a restaurant gift card, and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

December 16

I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue is going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart pounding fiercely. With the covers I was too warm and without them I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with the racing heart I had the runs and felt short of breath.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from S… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays, so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finish the laundry, and do the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of, because the lorazepam has left me too drowsy. I’ll publish it later.

December 17

Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

*shrugs* I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back-and-forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

December 18

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods that the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the meds was July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that S’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity that had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterwards, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had along, detailed scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody that paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality our house has a front and back door, but in the dream there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find and inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.

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