Monday, December 26, 2016

The Last Two Days

Written yesterday:

Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

Tom thinks that along with the perimenopause, S had a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends. It was never that was "desperate for friends," but I really looked forward to her as a friend because of how comfortable I felt with her and how much I came to admire her. I have since lost my trust and respect for her, but this doesn't mean I hate her or think she's a bad person. I honestly don't think she meant to give me the wrong idea. I will be mailing her a letter letting her know just how I feel. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation.

Next week I will cancel my appt with S and rescheduled the shrink. After the New Year I will update Doc A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Written today:

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be a shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

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