Monday, August 14, 2017

Where I'm At

These days my preferred writing platform is at https://www.prosebox.net/box/8082/

Sunday, July 30, 2017

A Warm & Peaceful Sunday

I'm once again thinking of discontinuing Blogger because it's so much easier to manage one place for journals, and this is my preferred platform these days. I won't delete the Blogger blog, but I'll leave it sitting there along with LiveJournal and my-diary.

Right now I'm waiting for it to cool down another 10° so I can go out for a quick run. In some ways, this climate is worse for outdoor exercising than Oregon was. It rains more here and it gets hotter. It might actually be easier to run through snow and ice, not that I would ever want to live in such a cold, snowy climate ever again.

We went swimming before 9 PM last night and the water was disappointingly chilly. There were half a dozen people there too, but all adults.

It was a surprisingly quiet Sunday. We did some things around the house and we also went to Raley's.

I thought the washer hose was clogged but when Tom went to check it out he said there was hardly anything there.

He sprayed the outside of the house because these big fat creepy looking spiders have been showing up in here.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Haircuts & Endless Projects

We didn't even make it a whole day before the next project started. I really can’t catch a break in this place. We're thinking that the guy that had a stroke (I don't know his name) was moved to a home and that they're getting ready to sell his house with all the activity going on over there. Yesterday someone was using an insanely loud gas-powered power washer to hose down some carpet. This was in the evening. That went on for a couple of hours after having to listen to the usual traffic and landscaping sounds.

That loud white truck has been coming around twice a day to Geri's lately, and I had to listen to the distracting bumps and bangs of something being loaded onto it for a while after the power washer stopped, so it never went quiet here until around 9 PM yesterday. It's just ridiculous the amount of activity I hear around here. Although Tom disagrees, I don't think it's much quieter than Phoenix was, when I think about it. It’s just different sounds made by different people. Instead of dogs, kids and loud music, I hear traffic, landscaping and loud machinery/equipment. What is better about this place is that the shit doesn't extend into the night. You won't hear parties at midnight here or dogs barking at 3am.

Today I heard the power washer for over 6 hours. Even on the weekends, I can't have any peace. I'm hoping that now that it's after 6 PM they'll pack it in for the night and that Geri's company won't come and sit and idol its loud truck while loading whatever into it.

Now I hear some hammering. *sighs with frustration* Well, I may not be able to get much peace around here unless it's in the dead of night, but I can go swimming. Going to go for an evening swim. It seems to be pretty dead at that time and then you don't have the sun glaring in your eyes. It's going to be easier now that my hair isn't down to the small of my back. Yeah, a very nice lady named Nicky with purple hair took off 6 or 7 inches for me today. It's still long enough to be pulled back in a ponytail and the ponytail is about 5 or 6 inches long. In about 18 months it should be back to where it was, but hopefully a lot healthier. Now that I'm staining the color into my hair instead of dyeing it, that should help. Also maybe now that I'm using the right leave-in conditioner that will help as well. Nicky told me that the Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum is actually a bad thing to use and that it dries the hair out because it shrinks the hair follicles or something like that. It makes sense when you think about it since it's silicone, and I would notice a buildup of the stuff every now and then and have to take a few days off from it. Why I was ever recommended it, I don't know.

Don't know if I buy that trimming the hair makes it grow faster or that hairs with split ends are dead and won't grow anymore. Hair grows from the roots, not the ends. So I'm not going to get it trimmed every 3 to 4 months like she recommended but maybe more like every 6 months. She said she trims hers every 3 weeks.

Miracle 10, Paul Mitchell's replacement, does all kinds of things I want it to do. It detangles, reduces frizz, protects against flat irons and stuff like that, and so much more. After we go swimming I'll give it its second Swarzstar treatment, then hit it with Miracle 10. She said the stuff is super concentrated and that once I've used about two-thirds of the bottle I can add water to it. I guess I just spray it into my hands a few times and then rub it into my hair.

Oh fuck. It's 6:30 now and the fucking power washer just started back up. What, are they going to do this until dark? This has got to piss off even those who don't usually mind noise.

Got the pond sticker and it's way nicer than I thought it would be. I love it! It's got 10 fish, 3 water lilies, and 3 large leaves, one with a frog on it, and is surrounded by rocks. Tom helped me apply it on the master bathroom floor. It looks more 3-D the further you stand from it and that way you also don't see the texture of the floor.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Asphalt Filled

Been keeping busy with Grammarly, correcting old journals, stories, bios and other things. The number of typos and other errors it's catching is both shocking and disappointing. I realize, though, that with so much content they're bound to be found.

They came and filled in the asphalt today. I didn't hear much and I didn't smell anything. This doesn't mean it's always peaceful. Still gotta hear the usual landscaping and traffic.

Not too long ago I mentioned the house behind us driving me crazy all day long with cutting trees and shrubs in front of their place. You could barely see their doors or windows because it had become so overgrown. Well, now I could thank them for that annoying day which turned out to be very worth it because it's backed off the woodpeckers. The wind usually blows toward the back of the house and I was beginning to suspect whatever the woodpeckers were after was coming from their property. I realized yesterday that I hadn't heard them in a while. Hopefully, they'll keep up on it and not let it get so overgrown again.

I washed my long hair for the last time in what should be a while as I still plan to get it cut tomorrow.

Using a Rolaids bottle as a mold, Tom made a little cup with some of the dull original colors that the 3D pen came with. The bright green is okay, but I still say the yellow looks like angel hair pasta and the red looks like ketchup. He ordered a better variety of filament colors, including my favorites, pink and purple.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Won CampNaNo

Sure enough, the workers were here yesterday to annoy me with their loud equipment on top of the loud traffic. So, done by Monday or Tuesday my ass. Things didn't quiet down until early evening. It was like OMG! Never have I lived in a place where there were so fucking many loud vehicles. Yesterday a worker told me that that was it for them and today another company will come and fill in the asphalt.

So what will the next project be, who will do it, and how long will it last? I doubt I'll even make it much more than a week or two before the next annoyance around here hits. Not that regular traffic and landscaping sounds aren't more than I need to hear. Then beginning at 6 PM it's loud car stereo time from just outside the park. There's always something to listen to here, but I've totally given up hope of ever finding a quiet place to live. Like I said, if you haven't found it in 30 years and an adult community, it doesn't exist. At least not for me. It seems we all have some things that are meant to be no matter what while others are not meant to be. Well, I wasn't meant to live in peace any more than I was meant to be tall.

I won CampNaNo yesterday going nearly 1000 words over my goal, which I set low at 15K words. November's NaNo is the big hard counts of 50K words. Whether or not I'll jump in depends on what ideas I may have at the time. It better be one hell of an idea too, because I don't normally have the patience for 50K words.

Tammy congratulated me on the win, and while I don't know why, this put a big smile on my face. I would still continue on my merry way spinning my tall tales even if no one ever said a word, but I guess congrats and encouragement are always nice from those we're close to.

My Blogger blog hit 50K all-time page views. The stats don’t list every single country, browser and operating system to ever access my blog, but it lists those in the lead. Germany remains the runner-up country. Nane? Christiane?

I'm now down 2 pounds, but I still have to see myself lose more than just a few pounds to believe it. Then again, Tom has always had a very slow metabolism all his life, even when he was young. For him, it takes very few calories to maintain a healthy weight. This is part of why he has a low HR. He's lost about 15 pounds in three months, but he has a lot more to lose than I do.

I was just the opposite when I was younger. I couldn't gain weight for the most part if I tried, and keeping over 100 pounds was very hard to do.

I was definitely eating 200-300 more calories than I thought I was. It's human nature to under/overestimate things, I think. Chances are you're not eating as little as you think, things aren't as bad or good as you think they are, and you're probably not as smart as you think you are either. :-)

I used that coloring shampoo yesterday and it’s WAY better than regular dye! It doesn’t stink as bad since it’s ammonia-free, and it only takes 10 minutes instead of the 20-40 minutes regular dye takes. I can tell it’s going to be much gentler on my hair. It still can be messy and stain the skin like regular dye, though.

Now that I know what product is best to use for hair coloring, and since my hair is so damaged, I’ve decided that this weekend I’m going to go get it cut to the shoulders. So I’ll be cutting about 10” off. The last time I cut it to the shoulder was 2 years and 2 months ago. So, in the summer of 2019, it should be a lot healthier at this length than it is now. I usually cut it to the shoulders and let it grow till it hits my ass. This takes about 4 years.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a hotel with Tammy and some other woman. There was a radio in the room playing music too loud and I was trying to figure out how to turn it down so I could hear Tammy and the other woman speaking.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

3-D Pen

I've lost a pound so far, but I expect the rest to come off very slowly if they even come off at all. It should take years doing this method, but I'm in no hurry. Doing this has gotten me to see that I was definitely eating more than I realized. I was probably closer to 2000 calories a day as opposed to 1500.

Still feeling calm and sleeping well, although last night I did awake with a nightmare. Tom and I were giving me an injection of some kind. I hesitated and wondered if we should tell the doctor something up front, though I'm not sure what I wanted to tell them. But we went ahead and injected whatever it was and it made my heart race. I woke up with my heart racing a little for real and felt warm too, but I settled down and returned to sleep after I used the bathroom.

My GYN responded to my message and said to stop using the steroid gel and we'll reevaluate the situation when I see her, saying that every now and then it can cause inflammation of the skin. NOW she tells me, but yeah, I stopped last week. I could tell it was caused by the gel, just like I could tell the thyroid meds were causing me to feel anxious.

Tom's 3-D pen came yesterday and it's pretty cool. He did a little tree his first time around and it was funny because the bottom was bright lime green while the top was the color of pasta and tomato sauce. It was funny because it almost looked like a clump of angel hair pasta that someone squirted ketchup on. He's got more filament with more colors arriving today, along with my dark brown Swarzstar coloring shampoo. It's supposed to be a lot easier to use, a lot less messy, a lot quicker, and a lot gentler on the hair.

The reason it was so quiet here yesterday was that the workers were finishing up further down the street. Tuesdays are usually bad for landscaping, though, so I'm sure I'll hear enough of that at some point. I've already heard some things around here.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Swarzstar

"Ever heard of Swarzstar?" Tom asked me via Skype.

No, I haven't. But I do know that "swarz" means black in German. So I asked him why he was asking and he said he was telling a lady at work about how we stripped the dye out of my hair and all that. She told him she uses Swarzstar because it's like a shampoo that you just wash your hair with. Looked it up on Amazon. It's got good reviews. It doesn't stain the skin or take as long as regular dye to use. They only had black or dark brown. I would have preferred medium brown but dark brown will do. Going to try it.

Still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to cut it to my shoulders. I know I will eventually because there's only so many years I can stand to have it so long. The question is when. It's pretty damaged.

We may have to call them out to tune up our air conditioner soon. It really struggles on triple-digit days. I keep it at 78° when I'm awake, which means that it turns on and off more often the hotter it gets, and that's what puts a strain on it and causes the compressor to seize up. Too bad I don't like it at 76°, but that's a little too chilly for me unless I'm sleeping, working out or doing something physical.

The electric bill just came. $191. Yup, shoulda replaced the windows, but oh well. Still beats the $450 electric bills we would get down in Arizona.

Not that I would ever complain about peace and quiet, but why has it been so quiet today? I thought the workers were supposed to return to finish the irrigation project. If they have, they sure are going about it quietly.

Since it's been successful for Tom, and it's actually what most doctors recommend, I've decided to go on a diet that isn't really a diet, but more like a healthy lifestyle change. For the most part, I eat healthily. But I was still having a few hundred more calories than I should, so what you do is you pick an ideal weight and you eat the amount of calories necessary to maintain that particular weight. This way you don't have to practically starve yourself by cutting your calories really low. 1000 calories a day just isn't sustainable. It would work and quickly too, but the suffering along the way isn't worth it. Better to go the slow, less torturous way. It may take me a year to lose 10 pounds and 10 pounds may be all I'll ever lose, but even just that is fine with me, and I'm not in any hurry. So... 1500 calories a day it is! I just have to be sure to do it every single day without taking any breaks, days off or deviating from this plan in any way. I can assure you that 1500 calories is a lot more doable than 1000 and even 1200. On top of a reasonable amount of food that's not so little that I'm going to be a lightheaded grump with a growling belly, but also not so much that it's unhealthy and guaranteed to keep my weight up, I keep active as well.

The biggest and best thing is that I haven't had one single shred of anxiety. I always knew that the main culprit was my being overly sensitive to the thyroid meds, and I don't care what anyone says. I know my mind/body. So does my hubby. :-) I still think I can take it every day once I hit menopause. Some day we'll find out for sure.

I spent all day yesterday playing with Grammarly. It's not perfect but it's definitely better than a regular text editor. I've gone through everything on Blogger, and now I'm working on my Prosebox entries, but only stuff that's public. Going to be rechecking stories as well.

This morning I got an email from Grammarly that said:

PRODUCTIVITY

You were more productive than
99% of Grammarly users.

ACCURACY

You were more accurate than
99% of Grammarly users.

VOCABULARY

You used more unique words than
99% of Grammarly users.

I seriously hope I'm that good! I'm a professional writer after all. :-)

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Grammarly

Grammarly is a totally awesome extension that really helps eliminate many of the typos and missing words caused by using speech to text as I've been addictively using for a while now. I've been systematically going through old entries as well as other things that are private. After I run it through some journals, I'll do some stories as well.

Speaking of stories, I went to reset my story account PW, but never got the email with the instructions to do so. Hopefully, I'll get that soon enough.

We stripped the dye out of my hair, and wow! I've forgotten how much lighter my natural color really is. I usually dye it dark brown, but it's a light to medium brown. I'm also not as gray as I thought I was. I'm somewhere between 20% and 25%. Definitely going to re-dye it so that I get a more even color from now on. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to cut it off first. It's pretty fried, so we'll see.

I don't know why they waited this late in the summer to send us this (maybe someone complained), but we received a list of the new pool rules. I'm kind of pissed too, because they extended the kids' hours from 1:00 to 2:00. Do they not realize that some of us come here to get away from them and their ear-splitting noise? They should have two pools here, one being totally childless.

We went to Raley's to get a form notarized yesterday, and I got an awesome serving tray with a picture of watermelon slices that's so nice. Don't know what I'm going to use it for since I don't entertain and I'm not a foodie, but I'll think of something.

For just $20 Tom is getting a 3-D pen. According to the YouTube videos we saw, it looks like it might be kind of fun.

I had a dream I was swimming somewhere, and then I got out of the pool and walked up to a nearby fast food place. I realized that my flip-flops were on the counter that a guy was trying to wipe down, so I took them off and stepped into them, having a hard time getting them to fit.

Once I finally got the flip-flops on, I decided I wanted to get in the soda line. Not realizing it had gotten so long so fast, a girl I almost cut in front of said something like, "Hey, I'm here."

So then I went to the end of the line and soon became aggravated by how long people were taking to get their drinks. I shouted, "Just get your drinks and go!" lol, I guess I was totally out of patience.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lovely

Got up early today, changed the rats' cage, then went bike riding with Tom. I spotted Janice and Carolyn along the way, then Virginia sitting out front on the way back.

I totally hate the hell out of these bikes! His seat kept falling and my gears are all messed up. Of all the different size wheels I've had on bikes, 24" is the best. 26" is too high for me and makes the bike practically fly. But 20" under powers the bike. I shouldn't have to pedal going downhill.

It's a lovely time of year. Full, leafy trees, flowers of all kinds and colors. Not a fan of daffodils and marigolds, but I like most of what I see around here.

After we got groceries I did a load of laundry, worked on my book, did a little coloring, watched some of my show (season 12 of Criminal Minds), and I'm going to be taking it easy for the most part today.

Hopefully the weekend will be peaceful, since Monday the irrigation people are coming back to annoy us with their insanely loud machinery. When they dropped those heavy metal plates onto the road before they left yesterday, I could feel it shake the entire place even though I had headphones on with blasting music.

Didn't sleep as well last night, though I'm still sleeping well overall. I'm not sure if the Amberen has been helping at all, but just in case it is (along with lowering my levothyroxine dosage just a touch), I ordered another month's supply on Amazon for half of what it costs at Walgreen's, along with a coloring book.

Last night I woke up often enough to remember some dreams. Kathleen was in one of them. Something about me showing her my "universe," which seemed to be something on my phone. But the phone was plugged into a wall and I couldn't get it to reach where she was standing.

Then I was staying in a hotel with Aly (ugh) and I think someone else as well. Not sure what the occasion was but I told her I was going to go out and feed the fish. She said okay from another room. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.

As I approached the door to go out I found an old scrap of paper on the floor. Then I opened the room and found the housekeeper and her cart just outside the door. I looked for a place to dump the paper, but couldn't find a trash container on the cart. So I began to walk down the hall and the housekeeper, who might not have spoken English, came up behind me. I thought she was going to take and dump the piece of paper for me, but instead she thrust a dollar bill in my hand.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Boats on the Lake


"Anyone can experience mental health problems, no matter how good or bad life may appear. You should not compare your experience to others."

This was written by a fellow blogger. Well, as I learned once I entered perimenopause, no, something bad doesn't have to be going on in life in order for you to feel bad. Fortunately, though, I've been doing well since cutting back the thyroid meds, something I may have to do every few months as accumulation occurs, until menopause.

My only real complaint today is what I've been complaining about for most of my adult life... noise. I talked to one of the workers and he said they should be done by Tuesday at the latest. Yeah, but then the park or someone else around here will just go and do something else. It's just fucking ridiculous that at age 51, I still haven't found a peaceful place to live. If you can't find it in an adult community, where can you find it? I totally believe without a doubt that my quest for a peaceful place to live is forever out of reach. That's gotten way beyond obvious at this point, so I might as well be open to apartments and condos as well as houses in the future. Sure, some places are certainly worse than others. Norwich was worse than Klamath Falls, and Phoenix was worse than here. But noise is noise in the end and I'm obviously not going to escape it no matter where I live. Rural, city, suburbs... it'll follow me anywhere.

The loudest part of this irrigation project has definitely been when they cut holes in the road. But then they have something that makes a low grinding, rumbling sound that they run on and off.

It's just bullshit. Totally ridiculous that there's always something going on no matter where I go, but I might as well just accept it, embrace it, and get used to it because it ain't going away.

Finally decided to check out what Friday's Boats on the Lake is all about, but when I rode down there nothing was going on. Some people were sitting on the bench and others were hanging by their cars, but it was too hot to wait around. Fortunately I have very strong legs and I was able to pedal back here in just a few minutes despite the hilly terrain, probably faster than the speed limit in here allows for.

Another thing to piss me off was that my bike is fucked up. The gears kept clicking and slipping. Oh, to have the address of the person who stole my beautiful Cruiser!

Other than noisy projects and faulty gears, life is running smoothly. Not sure what we're doing this weekend.

Except for a few days since starting the Amberen nearly a month ago, I've slept well. Not sure if there's a connection or not or if I'm going to get another month's supply. I have another week to decide. But yeah, I'm sleeping so much better I barely remember my dreams anymore.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

New Bio

I will soon be posting a newer, shorter version of my bio that will be backdated to July of 2016. Some of it is already there. I felt my older version was too long and too detailed. This one will be short and sweet yet still cover all the main highlights of my life. As always, I change or omit last names unless it's a public figure, and keep sensitive info out of it. While I certainly don't aim to offend anyone, no one is ever forced to read my stuff. Don't like it? Don't read it. :-) There won't be anything in it that those that know me well don't already know, so if you've been following me for any length of time, you can skip it.

Found someone I used to know on Facebook and sent them the message. Don't know if they'll see it because it will go to their 'message requests' section.

I'm about 3000 words away from winning CampNaNo. :-)

The park has been like it usually is in the daytime, noisy. The irrigation project hasn't been as noisy as I thought it would be, though. I mean, it's not peaceful but it could be worse.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Irrigation Overhaul

Some people have asked if one could get used to levothyroxine side effects. No, because they’re not “side effects” but the result of too much of drug. Unless you’re allergic to the medication’s fillers, levothyroxine has no side effects.

I was standing at the back corner of the house looking down the street and all the shit going on in the street yesterday morning when an orange SUV I've known to reside at the back corner of the circle stopped to ask me what was going on.

The driver introduced herself as Mary. She looked to be around 65-70. I told her I called the office this morning and was told they're working on the final phase of an irrigation overhaul that's been going on for the last four years. It should take a week and a half to complete. I figured it had something to do with water and that it wouldn't take just a day or two.

Late last night Tom took a walk to see what we could see. There are some heavy metal sheets covering the holes they dug out and some orange cones. At one of the cones there's a pile of dirt sitting on a sheet of plastic. When I went out walking tonight I noticed they put a little outhouse up the hill just past the Twenties.

Amazingly enough, I've still been able to sleep okay (they start early and finish late). The only time it gets loud is when they're cutting the holes, which doesn't take long and there aren't too many anyway. I could see a plume of street dust being kicked up when the guy was cutting the hole just beyond Bob and Virginia's place. Not wanting to stink of tar, I ran indoors.

Even though it hasn't been as insanely loud as when they cut trees down, it's annoying enough. As I told Joy, it's really a shame that nearly every single day I have to hear something loud going on around here. I love the park otherwise (where else can I run around at midnight and feel safe?), but the noise levels do get ridiculous at times. Definitely not what I would have expected in a retirement community.

Mary asked if I like it here and I told her yes and no. It was funny because she said, "Wow, it's so quiet where I live that I feel like I'm in a morgue. Then again I have the cemetery behind me."

LOL, yes, I know exactly where she is. She's in a much quieter location than we are, even though I could walk to her place in just a few minutes. The way she's situated not only against the cemetery but further back from a road that gets much less traffic, and nestled sort of behind a garage and thick brush, would certainly make it quieter.

Most importantly, I've been feeling good for the most part. Anxiety has mostly been at a minimal and I'm still hoping that menopause is near. I'm a little surprised my cycles didn't stop last year, especially since they started young.

I was reading more on perimenopause, and the article that lists the symptoms could have been written by me... Unexplainable feelings of doom and gloom, extreme worrying, random crying fits, feeling like you're losing your mind... Yes, I've gone through this at one time or another along the way.

The weather's been hot and dry. Late at night it's gorgeous, but come early morning it can be chilly.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Shrinking Skin Tags

I love it when some less than brilliant straight people refer to gays as an “alternative” lifestyle. The only “alternative” to being straight/gay/bi is seeking and accepting exactly what you don’t want.

Tom has several skin tags and I have just one underneath my arm. I read that apple cider vinegar dissolves skin tags. Doubtful, because so many home remedies don’t work, I decided to give it a try anyway, and sure enough, the skin tag has definitely shrunk. I’ve done it twice so far yet I noticed a difference after just one treatment. Before showering, I soaked a cotton ball in the vinegar and held it under my arm with one hand while I brushed my teeth with the other.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Twilight Swimming

Happy 71st birthday, Linda Ronstadt. Haven’t been into celebs since the 90s, and while you sometimes came off as a bitch in some of your interviews, you have a great voice that has produced many a great album. Your music gave me the inspiration to improve my own vocals, and much comfort as a child. You were my escape from an abusive mom and enabling dad. I don’t follow what’s going on with you, but I hope life is being kind to you despite having Parkinson’s.

We went swimming just after 9:30 this evening and swam for about a half hour. We had the whole pool to ourselves. It was so nice. Well, the water was a little chilly until you got used to it, but it was great. I was going to go in the Jacuzzi but found it too hot. Then when I jumped back in the pool it felt like bath water. It was so peaceful and relaxing that if I didn’t have to pee so bad I wouldn’t have gotten out when I did. It was 95° at the time.

Although I expected it, no one ever came to dig up the roads where they painted various cryptic markings in different colors that probably makes sense only to those who painted them.

As for our roofing plans, we’re going to either do it next year or leave it to the next people, but most likely we’ll do it next year. There’s a new kind of solar roofing that is a lot more expensive than regular roofing. If after a year it gains popularity rather than turns out to be a bust, that’s probably what we’ll do the roof with. If worse comes to worse and we go from spots to actual leaks this winter, we’ll call them out to patch the roof till it can be redone.

I was watching a YouTube video about a woman who was a druggie and hanging out with all the wrong men. She claimed she was given a glimpse of hell from God and promised through this “vision” that this would be her eternity if she didn’t change her ways.

I personally think her “glimpse of hell” was likely a drug-induced nightmare, but if any of this were true, isn’t this blackmail? What kind of God gives someone this kind of ultimatum and threatens them like this? If we wouldn’t put up with a fellow human being treating us this way, why is it acceptable if it’s a God that may not even exist?

Friday, July 14, 2017

Do I Really Want To?

I was all excited about voice blogging again on Tumblr. But then I remembered that this is not only a pain in the ass, but I'm not really a fan of Tumblr. There are too many tech issues with voice blogging. You would think by now it would be pretty simple, but it's not. I tried a variety of free online recorders and while most of them sound good and work well, it's a pain in the ass having to download to my computer and then upload to the blog. They have a call-in number for that, but half the time they never get posted. So I asked myself, do I really want to do this? Naw, I don't think so. Another problem with voice blogging is that I can't edit things like I can with text. So once again I'm going to put that on the back burner for now.

Another thing going on the back burner will probably be Ask. Since reactivating I have found it to be totally boring. I'll either deactivate the account or just leave it sitting there.

Shortly after starting the Amberen on his birthday I started sleeping great. So much so that I don't remember my dreams as much. I wonder if there's a connection? I just wish it did a better job with the anxiety part of it. Oh, I'm still doing better. Better enough not to reach for the lorazepam in 10 days, but sometimes I can still feel it bubbling below the surface.

The Furry Trio

Just click to enlarge!

Crayons, Shirts & Recorders

The scented crayons for my group came and I personally think they all smell the same. It's a nice smell, though, much like a candle shop.

My new shirt arrived as well and at first I was like, whoa, this isn't tight but it's clingy! So I got Tom's opinion on it when he came home and he likes it. It definitely - uhem - shows off the exercise-lifted assets.

I'm excited to start voice blogging again on Tumblr. The question is whether or not I want to share or keep it to myself. I plan to discuss a mix of past and present experiences, as well as just life in general, assuming I don't have any tech issues driving me crazy like last time. Since it's not an all or nothing blog like Blogger and it lets me choose the security settings of each individual entry, I may do a mix of public and private stuff.

I won't use full names unless it's a famous person or some kind of public figure, of course, and doctors' names will be reduced to initials. Will I say anything negative about anyone? That depends on the person and whether or not they're still in my life, but if I found you that toxic, you're not likely to be in my life and so I'm not likely to give you much courtesy. So while I may not have much if anything negative to say about anyone I currently know, I will definitely keep anything personal about them private. Absolutely no sensitive info will be discussed in either public or private posts.

Furthermore, I won't go private on anything controversial just because some people might not want to hear it. No one's ever forced to listen to or read my stuff. They can just do what I do with people on Facebook that I may adore enough to remain friends with, but find too repetitious or into things/people I don't care about enough to follow. Or filter keywords and that sort of thing. :-)

I guess I'll start from the past and work my way up to the present which should take several days or even weeks.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Reincarnation Study

Still feeling and sleeping okay since cutting back my medication. I knew damn well that’s been the main culprit all along, just as I’ve always said. The question will be how much more tolerant I’ll be to it once I hit menopause. I'm making sure to take enough, though, and I can tell I am. My hair is growing like a weed and I'm not gaining weight.

I haven't watched the whole thing yet, and I still don't know if I believe in gods, devils, angels, afterlives or reincarnation, but I'm watching a YouTube video in which real doctors at a real university conducted studies on over 2500 cases of children around the world who claim to have memories of past lives. Only problem is that kids have very active imaginations. Also, they claim the kids accurately describe someone that once lived. But when you consider that there are so many different people with so many different personalities, lives and physical traits, pretty much any description will fit someone who is dead or still living.

The interesting part was one kid who said they got their fingers chopped off in a past life that was born with deformed fingers. Then there was a boy claiming to have been shot in the side of the head in a past life that was born with a deformed ear. Well, I was born with a deformed ear yet I certainly don't remember being shot in the head in any past life.

I doubt we're reincarnated even more so then I doubt there's an afterlife, especially with the way the world population fluctuates as it does. When people want to believe something bad enough, they usually will, and I think it brings comfort to most people to tell themselves that there are gods and angels that care about them, that their loved ones go on, and that they will too. Still makes for an interesting and entertaining video just the same.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Maliheh

One of Maliheh’s email account was hacked by a scammer pushing diet products. I received an email that was sent to me and about a half a dozen of her contacts. This is the account where we did most of our communication. Why the hell am I still in her contacts after all this time?

What was strange was the quote enclosed in the email.

“Small crimes always precede great ones. Never have we seen timid innocence pass suddenly to extreme licentiousness.”

I just find it odd that a criminal would hack someone’s account for the sake of promoting spam, and then enclose a quote about criminal nature.

Anyway, I don’t know if she’ll get it but I emailed her at her other email account and told her she’s been hacked and that I want to be removed from her contacts. We’ll never be friends again, not that she was ever a true friend to begin with, and she shouldn’t have any reason to have my address in her contacts.

I am really sick of living in old places. This may be a far cry from something that’s as old or older than I am, but it’s old enough that some of the windows don’t quite close all the way. One of the windows at the end of the living room, which has the largest gap, has been sealed with scotch tape. I threw a strip along the bottom edge of the window and the frame. Since we're not going to be here all our lives, we're not replacing them.

I have a purple shirt with a crisscross design in front on its way to me from Amazon, plus scented markers from Walmart to take to my arts and crafts group, which I’ll attend as my schedule permits unless I decide I don’t like it or the people for some reason.

Stacey showed up in my dreams again last night (what’s with all the Stacey dreams lately?), but I don’t remember what it was about.

I had a dream where I went to see Dr. A. But instead of meeting with her alone in a small exam room, she sat behind a counter with a few other people. I said something like, “I hope I don’t get the flu again because each time I get it, it hits me harder, so by the time I’m 60, it will kill me.”

A few minutes later she said something I couldn’t hear. I asked her to repeat it, but instead of doing so she simply glared at me with an annoyed expression. Tom couldn’t get her to repeat herself either.

So we left the clinic or whatever the hell it was, and before he could get in the car I was off and running down the freeway on foot. A young woman on a bike passed me a minute later. A few minutes later I waved to Tom when I saw his car coming around a bend, but he kept going. I figured it was illegal to stop there or maybe dangerous cuz of the curve.

Then I was leaving a voice message for a doctor, but as I went to speak the doctor’s name I was leaving it for, it came out as just gibberish.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Will Someone Please Shake My GYN Awake!

Tom’s working late today and I don’t have much more to update on other than dreams. Been sleeping okay and mostly anxiety- free.

I just wish my GYN could get it together. Now it’s until August that I should be doing the steroid treatment until I see her for reevaluation. Oh, and sorry for any miscommunication.

After having a dream that I was awake for two days and afraid to go to school or whatever job I had on day three, I woke up after just five hours of sleep. I took my thyroid pill, saw Tom off to work, then did some cleaning. After a shower and some food, I fell back asleep for a few more hours. And then I dreamed some more...

I was talking to some people, two of which were characters in my book. I guess I was part of various groups for various reasons, and one of the characters asked how they would know what group I was in. “Gymnasts are always shorter than most people,” I told her.

Then some guy was playing me a taped conversation on his phone. “This conversation makes me think you’re right on about the step-kid possibility.”

Not sure whose step-kid was possible, but I answered with something about looking it up.

Some other guy said it would take five minutes.

In the last dream I was hanging outdoors somewhere with Andy and a much younger female friend of his. Unlike in real life, I seemed to really like beer. I wore low-rise shorts and a halter, and as I approached the two of them with a beer in each hand, I could see Andy checking out my stomach muscles with a mix of surprise and envy. I then handed one of the beers to Andy, telling the girl that I didn’t think she wanted one, and that the rest of the company was too young (I nodded to a little boy who suddenly appeared). I told her I would still be happy to get her a beer if she wanted one, hoping she would decline despite Andy's encouragement because I really didn’t want to share that many.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Just Ask... or Tell :)


It’s been a while since I’ve played around at https://ask.fm/dustyillusion so I decided to reactivate and give it a go just for kicks. I miss some of the shit people would come up with to ask or tell me, both anonymously and not.

Searching

Still searching for my happy-medium when it comes to my meds. I don't want to take enough to make me anxious (especially while I'm still in peri), but I don't want to take too little and invite hypo symptoms back either. I'm still hoping I'll be more tolerant of it when I hit menopause, which of course still feels like it's never going to happen.

We went to the pool yesterday but the water was surprisingly cool because it was cool in the morning. Solar heating pools in this climate is all wrong. If they heated it properly we could use the pool longer. That's okay, though. Someday I'll be in Florida or Hawaii and I'll be able to swim year-round.

They still have multi-colored markings along some of the roads here, as well as some little red flags, but haven't started digging for whatever it is they're going to dig for. I just hope they do it while I'm on days, but even if I am, there's always something going on here and I get tired of listening to it. I swear I will never again live surrounded by so many busy roads! We didn't have much time to look for a place, though, because the economy was starting to pick up again when we were house-hunting, which meant the prices were increasing. Hopefully, we'll have time to do a better search of the next place, even though things do and can change, and I may be forever destined to listen to some shit no matter where I go. The place would actually be rather quiet if it wasn't for there being so many loud vehicles these days, and landscaping nearly every day. It's quiet at night. Just an occasional car stereo booming down the freeway. Kind of obsessed with the idea of a place that's right on the water after some pictures I've seen. If not the ocean then a lake would be nice, despite the bugs I suppose it'd bring and the risk of gators.

He's been doing a lot of coding because he got a really good idea for a money making app. It's for something that people have attempted to do, but have been unable to do so far, yet he has developed a way in which to do it. While I may be a bit of techie, it's still a bit high tech for me to describe, not that I should give that much information out anyway. The only problem is that it's something that could be copied very easily, so it's not like we could expect to make money off of just one app, if we're going to make money off of any. It's still something he enjoys doing and that's most important. I never expected to become rich from my writing. I do it because I like it. :-)

Every few months he gets a surprise electronics package as part of the subscription. He got some neat stuff yesterday that involves making a little music player. I've never been interested in this sort of thing but I can't help but accidentally learn some things through him, just like he's learned some Spanish, Italian and German words from me.

Being the third anniversary of the most terrifying day of my life, not surprisingly, I had a few nightmares last night. None of them actually dealt with any medication, though. The one where I had erratic bleeding I can probably thank my GYN for. I would still be willing to bet just about anything that I don't have uterine cancer, and therefore going through surgery would be a total waste of time and money.

In another dream, I must've been living with an abusive guy and didn't seem to know Tom. Instead, I was living in a small house or apartment which was very detailed in the dream. Living room and kitchen to the left, bathroom and bedroom to the right. Anyway, I'd never put up with such shit in real life, but I guess the guy was the jealous type and kind of scary too. We had an argument on the phone shortly before he was due to come home. I hung up and hurried to tidy up the place in a way he would approve of. It was late at night and I quickly dove into bed hoping to avoid a fight by not having to face him.

Then I was dusting a computer monitor. I would hit the 'page down' key then dust the monitor again. Then I realized it was silly to do that and that I didn't have to dust it every time I went down the page. LOL, finally I stopped dusting the monitor and walked around the corner of the L-shaped room I was in. There stood some cages with a variety of rodents.

In the last dream, I might have cut my hair. I was talking to Stacey and I asked her what the longest her hair had ever been. She told me a few inches below her shoulders and for some reason, I thought that was just hilarious as hell and burst out laughing. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me," I told her.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Inconsistencies


While my GYN is a nice lady, she and her staff really are one inconsistent bunch. I recently messaged her to let her know that I finished the 3-month recommended time of twice weekly steroid treatments for my dermatitis, and asked if I should resume treatment if the problem flares up again. Not only does she re-recommend surgery, saying that irregular bleeding is a common sign of uterine cancer (yeah, it's also a sign of perifuckingmenopause when you're 51 years old), but also says I should be doing the twice weekly maintenance for a period of 6 months. Being told one thing and then another gets old, but it won't kill me to do another few months as I can tell the problem is much better but not completely gone.

Want to get more followers on Twitter? Just go private. Seriously, I rarely get followers on my public account, but everyone wants to follow my private ones. I may make exceptions for the health one, but the private one is strictly that... Private. :-)

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Arts & Crafts

Shortly before 9:30 I headed down to the clubhouse to check out the arts and crafts group. I thought it was something that you pay for and that they give you the supplies to do various projects with. As Tom said, I might as well spend the money I've been carrying around in my purse on something sooner or later. But it isn't that kind of a "class." You simply bring whatever you want to do and everybody hangs out doing it until 11:00. It can be knitting, coloring... Anything.

Not having my coloring books or colored pencils with me, I headed back and ended up chatting with Bob and Virginia. They were sitting out in front of their place, and Virginia was surprised at how easily I could make the steep step onto the grassy area, which has a little retaining wall alongside it.

"Bowflex power," I explained.

She asked if I was out on a stroll, noticing that this time I had my purse with me. It was already getting hot out, so I wanted to take some water with me and thought it would be easier to stick it in my crossover purse rather than carry the bottle. As I told them, I don't know how I survived 12 years in the desert. LOL

I told her I checked out the arts and crafts group to find out what it was that they did, and then we got to talking about whether or not we were going to do our roof anytime soon. As I told them, we'd be smart to do it since if we could go from water stains in just one year, we could go to actual leaks in just a year as well. That was when I mentioned that we may move sooner than originally thought. Virginia looked surprised and even a little disappointed. Bob was a little harder to read. He usually either smiles or has a rather stoic expression.

I still think we've got several more years to go, but even if there were just a few, that's a few rain seasons we could get leaked on. If we wait another year, there's a type of solar roofing that should be more readily available that would really cut back the electric bills, but it may not be enough to really add to the value of the place if we're just going to leave in a few years. Instead, we might simply be spending money more for someone else's benefit than our own. Really wish we could know exactly when we could move, but again, we don't want to go about it the stupid way a third time.

We also talked about levothyroxine and lorazepam, which we both take. Like me, it's only normal for her to experience anxiety if something bad is going on in her life. As I was telling her, I've had my share of stress and worries in life, but never had a problem with anxiety that borders on fear until I started this medication, and I know it's the damn medication.

She said something about one of her kids going through a tragic divorce, losing a very dear friend, and not being able to sleep well.

Bob left at one point and we started talking more about female stuff. I told her I was going through perimenopause and that I didn't think much of the anxiety was coming from that. I asked her if she noticed any changes with anxiety when she went through that and she said no. I've honestly never heard of anyone being affected by such debilitating anxiety just from perimenopause. Knowing my body and what's normal for me, it's a no-brainer that it's chemically induced. She said her ex-daughter-in-law had a procedure done in Florida, and she mentioned that she lost hair and stuff like that. As soon as she said that I knew she had to be talking about Hashimoto's, which is what I've got. She said she thinks that's what it was but it isn't what she has. She's just simply hypo and not because of an autoimmune disease. Anyway, she wasn't sure what they did to her ex-daughter-in-law, but she said something about them making an incision which makes me think they removed the thyroid gland altogether. My old endo said I would not need mine removed, however, which is probably a good thing as I would think that would make me worse. I have to skip doses to back the anxiety off, yet I still have some life in my thyroid, so when I do it's not like I'm completely depriving myself of thyroid hormone. If I didn't have a thyroid, though, then I would be.

Right now I'm more concerned with how the hell I'm going to continue to take a medication I'm intolerant to but that my body needs. There's simply no other alternative, but to either skip doses or stop altogether. I don't think I need to go as extreme as quitting entirely, but I can't take 75 mcgs every single day. It doesn't make my heart feel like it's going to explode in my chest like the 88s did, and also like this dose did a few years ago when I was still having pockets of activity flaring up in the gland. But it still makes me feel positively shitty enough. No one could understand without having it themselves, but trust me, it's no way to live. It's nothing you can get used to or adapt to or become comfortable with in any way shape or form. Some side effects we can live with, but others are way worse than the disease itself can ever make us feel. I'm worried like I said because there's no other alternative to this drug. So I either have to be at least somewhat hypo, or take something that would make me a total zombie to counteract its effects. But even if I could take something that would make me a zombie, I would likely still feel the effects of too much thyroid meds, and why would I want to be a zombie so I couldn't do the things I enjoy doing? So it's a no-win situation for me right now and probably always will be. :(

The only dream I remember last night had my parents and brother in it. Figures, huh? I told Virginia that too; that I lost both parents and my brother all in 2012, and that it was the first time I was actually glad we weren't close. Anyway, one of us found what looked like a roll of really fat tape in the dream, and I somehow knew it was medical-related. Like maybe x-rays or something like that. So I called the local hospital to get the address in which to send it to. My brother kept talking to my dad, making it hard for me to hear the person I was talking to. "Shhh," I said, but the person was giving me this long, strange address I couldn't make sense of anyway.

Randy

They've got tons of different color chalks marking the roads throughout some of the park, one of which runs behind the house. I was expecting to hear all kinds of racket yesterday as they dug up the roads for whatever the fuck it is they're going to dig up, but they haven't started yet. Really hope they get to it while I'm still on days. Seriously there's always, ALWAYS something going on in this park! I could hardly stand to sit out on the patio yesterday because all the landscaping sounds around me were driving me crazy. It just never fucking ends. Even on the holiday, I could hear the sounds of saws and wood chippers buzzing away.

On the fourth, we watched the parade go by with Jim, Bob, Virginia, and some woman that told me I had beautiful hair, which was worn in a braid going down my back that day. I asked Virginia if she knew what they were going to do with the roads, and where I would have guessed it had to do with water pipes, she was suspecting cable. Everything of ours is underground here, including the electric.

Anyway, the parade didn't last long. There were maybe about 25 golf carts going by, and a few kids on bikes, along with a few cars. Tom was kind enough to make sure the woman, whose name I forgot, got home safely. She was very old and frail and used a walker. She lives a few houses down from ours, heading toward the cemetery.

I guess Bob and Virginia must have serious AC issues because I've seen a heating and air conditioning van working at their place about four times now.

Not sure if I ever mentioned Randy in any of my public journals before. He was our mailman up in Oregon for a while and he was such a super nice guy. I was bummed the day our new mailman told us he'd switched routes.

Well, a long time ago I sent a message to a Randy on Facebook that worked for the post office and lives in that town. It was hard to tell from his picture if it was him or not, but I kind of doubted it. The months went by and I figured he never got the message or chose to ignore it. Eventually, I forgot all about it until yesterday I was surprised with a reply. He said there was another Randy that was probably the one I was looking for and that he thought he was still working there, but he himself was retired. He suggested I call the PO. Instead, I filled out an online form requesting to make contact because I would love to exchange hellos. I was told that my email address was passed on to him, so hopefully, I'll hear from him soon. It would be nice to reconnect after a decade.

The solar hula dancers arrived yesterday. They're so cute. The one in blue dances on his dresser and the one in pink is in the kitchen.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Zillow

Someone asked me if I thought barring gays from adopting was discrimination. Isn’t that like asking if water is wet? Of course it is! Quality of parenting should matter, not gender or quantity.

I’m sick of living in the west. I’ve been sick of it. The way dogs are treated like outdoor ornaments. The way some groups are favored. The high cost of living in this state. Being so far from family. If I’m going to be so far from family I’d only want it to be because we ended up able to go to Hawaii, LOL. I wouldn’t expect to see family more than once or twice a month as we all still have our lives to live and I still have a sleep disorder that puts me on nights half the time, but just to know they weren’t thousands of miles away would be nice for a change.

Yet while we may be adventurers at heart, we don’t want to take the same foolish risks we took when we left Arizona and then Oregon. This means it really is best to wait until he’s retired. Out of curiosity, we jumped on Zillow to look at manufactured homes in Florida and I was a little surprised at how many were comparable in price to those out here. One of them, right on a lake, would have been perfect for us, but the 14K price tag told me there was something wrong. All the places in that retirement community were cheap. Tammy confirmed that there was a lot of gang activity in that area. I figured as much. Some people just love to ruin things for others, don’t they?

The requirements seem to be the same as here... You can't have a record and you have to be of age. At least we've got that much on our side. We just don't want him to have to scramble for a job as soon as we got there, then hope it paid enough to support us. It would be better to know exactly what we had for money beforehand. We’ll start getting a better idea of that in a couple years.

Another problem is that because I live in a country so anti-universal healthcare, we have to factor in the expense of having to buy me healthcare between the years he retires and I turn 65. I really shouldn't go more than a few months without my medication. But we live in a selfish world. No one wants to pay to help others. Therefore I honestly can't see universal health care in this country in our lifetime. People would rather put their energy into restricting the rights of others than helping others.

So we’ve basically got a bunch of twisted laws and corrupt cops enforcing them. It sure seems that way, anyway. Especially if you’ve been sexually harassed, threatened, prank called and bullshitted like I once was by the police when I lived in New England. Forget about being set up and having my civil rights violated like in Arizona, even if the cop spearheading it ultimately lost his job cuz of me and God knows who else he might’ve abused his authority against.

Screwed up world or not, there are worse places to be stuck in than this, so it’s not all bad.

Almost got an iPhone yesterday because I wanted a device for listening to music on that’s easier to tote around than my MacBook Air. Not being a phone person to begin with, though, I decided to settle on a cheap Windows tablet.

We went to Raley’s for a few things, and soon I gotta back up my stuff on One Cloud.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Denny, Mel's & Walmart

It's been a busy but fun few days. Saturday we pretty much took it easy. Early Sunday morning we went out to Denny's. This time we went to a different Denny's and it was much better. The other one had shittier service and there tended to be some homeless people hanging out there. At this one we got prompt service free of the homeless folks.

I had two eggs, steak fries, and a steak that was practically as big as I am. We were both tired after because we're not used to consuming so many calories at once. He's been dieting and I don't normally eat that much anyway. But I really packed it in as much as I could and the meal sustained me for the rest of the day since it was just so much food. It was also high in protein and that makes you feel fuller longer.

I was also tired because the night before I had trouble sleeping and decided to give the clonidine a fourth try. This time it didn't cause me to sleep shitty, but just like the last few times, I had next-day drowsiness. The stuff is definitely not for me.

Last night, however, I did sleep shitty. A few hours later I took a lorazepam to get into a deeper sleep. I will definitely need to think of something to replace that because I really should only be using it for anxiety. I'll probably either go with melatonin or Benadryl when I'm really having a problem sleeping.

As for an anxiety update... I haven't had anything serious this month yet. It's weird because it's like it went by the calendar. It turned itself on his soon as June started, and turned itself off when it ended. Like it wanted to pick on my favorite month of the year, and yes, most of June was bad. I'd like to think we finally have that under control, but I don't want to jump the gun, as always. For now, I'm just going to be glad I'm feeling better and enjoy it for however long it lasts.

I'm also enjoying the peace while it lasts because we noticed that a few of the streets in the park, including the one that runs in back of the house, have bright orange markings on it along with some bright orange flags, suggesting they're going to do a major project (water pipes?) that I'm sure will drive me batshit crazy and make me wish we were living in my sister's park. This, or something close enough, may be happening sooner than we thought, but that's another thing I don't want to jinx right now. So I'll keep that to myself for a while.

Tomorrow’s the parade, but I don’t care. I’ll be up and they don’t go directly by our house anyway. Maybe we’ll run out and watch it and wave to everyone going by in their little golf carts, bikes, wheelchairs, cars, etc.

He had to grab something on Amazon so I grabbed a few more of those solar toys that are great for windowsills. I got a couple of hula dancers, plus a butterfly that flutters about a pink flower. Right now my pink and purple flowers are dancing away.

We went to Walmart after we went to Denny's yesterday to get the proper bombs. We also went out to eat today, too. We haven't eaten out twice in a row in years, so I didn't feel bad about it. In fact, we rarely eat out. We were supposed to bomb yesterday morning while we were at Denny's, but he accidentally got bombs when ordering groceries online that require you to be out for four hours. We prefer two hours since there's only so much eating and shopping we can do. The four-hour bombs can take care of the storeroom, so they'll still get used.

This morning we went to Mel's diner and it wasn't as good, though my fried shrimp, chicken strips, and French fries were still good. It was chilly in there and they blast music which is kind of annoying. I still gave them 4 stars on Yelp. It seems so many restaurants and stores love to blast music, though the Denny's we went to was much quieter.

So back to Walmart we went since we weren’t going to be at Mel's for two hours. I got a really nice tankini baiting suit in royal blue. I love the lacy skirt on the bottoms. It’s nothing I’d be caught dead in back in my 20s, but I’m also not 100 pounds anymore either. I like the way it looks and it’s definitely comfy. Some tastes do change with age.

Then I got really stupid and got some light blue lipstick. I loved the "diamond" case and wanted to try something different. OMG, does it look bad on me! It makes me look sick. I thought I was done doing stupid shit like this, LOL.

I also got press-on nails with colored stripes for little girls because my nails are so small. Kathleen can check them out in September. :-)

When we got back I waited outside while Tom went to open doors and windows to air the place out. Then we opened the door to the "bomb shelter" the rats were in, which is actually the storeroom.

Before the rats and I entered the house, Tom burned the second of three sage sticks, hoping to further cleanse any negative energy that may still be lurking in the house, even if I’m not sure I believe in that sort of thing. Definitely feeling better, though, between the spell, the sage, and the weekly medication skips. My T4 was always normal, but it really is best that 1.1 and no higher just like my TSH is best at 10. Any lower and the anxiety, diarrhea, and the other symptoms torment the shit out of me.

Said hello to Jon and Carolyn when I was out dumping the recyclables. They're doing some landscaping. They said to let them know if we need help with anything or if they're too noisy. LOL, they're not noisy at all. I didn't even know they were out there.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

LOL, Who's Kidding Who?

I was remembering an old friend whose father was throwing the book of hate at her that people call the Bible due to her fondness of women. I wonder if she ever got the strength to follow her heart and be herself. I hope so, for her sake.

Andy once tried to tell me I was automatically blessed because I was Jewish. Well, my family was/is Jewish. I'm just little old me. Yeah, right. That's why 6 million Jews were killed because they're so damn blessed. That's why I had an abusive mother. That's why I had all kinds of shit happen to me that happened; because I'm so damn blessed, right? :)

SMH Everyone wants to believe that they're somehow special, that they're protected, and will never be given more than they can handle, which would basically make a person immortal when you think about it. But the truth is that we're all fish in a sea of random goodness and badness that will happen to us all throughout our lives. Then one day we'll be given more than we can handle and it will kill us, be it a heart attack, a stroke, cancer, an accident... Whatever.

On a much more lighthearted note, although I did have more anxiety yesterday than I did the day before, and I did take lorazepam, my day ended well and I slept better.

I went out walking for about a half hour at midnight. Did a little running as I usually do, just not as much with my period in full swing and seemingly no end in sight. If there’s anything I miss from my pre-levothyroxine days besides the lack of anxiety and being able to have my coffee as soon as I get up, it’s the short wimpy periods.

We’re looking forward to him having four days off. We have to bomb the place again so we’ll probably do that real early tomorrow morning and go to Mel’s Diner, then maybe do a little shopping at Walmart. We’ll also be doing stuff around the house like cleaning the carpet and maybe power hosing the outside of the house. Why did we have to end up with a white house? But then even if we didn’t, dirt would be visible under the white carport and patio roofs.

Oh damn. CampNano started less than an hour ago. Almost forgot that. I guess I’ll get working on Someone Else’s Lady!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Privacy, Please

As I've said before, I never cared to see what my Facebook friends “like” or comment on because they’re not talking to me and therefore I don't see why it should be any of my business. I also never liked that they could see activity of mine that didn't pertain to them or that I didn’t post to my wall.

But what about those that follow you around on other sites not thinking you know it until they either later decide to tell you about it or you let them know you know they’re there? Does this creep you out? Even though I'm not doing or saying anything wrong on any of these sites, it feels strange to be followed like that. Should I be flattered that some people are that interested and curious? Or should I become suspicious about the way they sometimes go about it in "secretive" ways, not realizing that some of us are more observant than they give them credit for? I just wonder why some of these people don't speak up right away and say something like, "Hey, this seems like a really nice site. Thought I would join too."

Makes me wonder if they’re looking for something in particular, something they might not expect to see if they didn't think I knew they were around.

Anyway, I was initially going to have the Twitter account I use as a health tracker be public, but since it is just a health tracker and not a means of socializing I figured I would go private. All I'm going to do is record how I slept and how I felt before I go to bed. Then I have the account for anything I think should be private no matter what it's about, and then my everyday public account. “Stalk” me and find it on your own or ask me for the link. :)

Decided not to get any more alcohol after the 4-pack of wine coolers didn't do anything to make me feel better. All alcohol seems to do is make me drowsy. No thanks. I suffer enough fatigue at times like when I don't sleep well. I felt okay yesterday and today. Just a little tired because I didn't sleep too great and my period is really heavy now. At least that much is a sign that I can't be too low on thyroid since low thyroid causes short, wimpy periods.

Because Tom has now been at his job for five years, he was given a little catalog of gifts to choose from and he chose a black backpack/laptop bag that has a lot of compartments for various things.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Amberen

Unfortunately, Tom had to spend his birthday working, but early in the morning before he took off, we went to Walgreen's for some treats. Along with that, I got a box of Amberen which is said to help with both peri and menopausal symptoms. Furthermore, unlike Estroven, they say they have no side effects. Took my first dose after eating and shortly afterward I became warm and drowsy and I might have panicked had it not been for Stacey. It could have been just a coincidence. I do still feel flushed at times and sometimes I just get tired. Time will tell, but I'd rather the drowsiness than the anxiety which is sprinkled with occasional depression lately. Still worried that more of it is from my medication than the peri, but we'll eventually find this out.

I got another period today, and I'm guessing they probably won't stop until I'm 52-53.

Amberen says symptoms should be noticeably better in less than 30 days but to give it 90 days to really take effect. They have an email address as well as a number you can call to talk to someone about adjusting your regimen if you need to later on. It's expensive shit at 40 bucks a month, but I'll pay a grand a month just to keep that horrible anxiety and depression away. I'd sell everything I have and I just might even return to a horribly cold, snowy climate, that's how awful a feeling it is. Feeling great so far. :)

I also got another "dancing flower." One of those plastic flowers in a plastic flower pot that has a little solar panel on it. Light hitting it makes the flowers dance. Love these things! I got one at the dollar store a while back with purple flowers in a square pink "box." The one I got last night cost $3 and has a large pink flower with two large leaves in a round red pot with white polka dots.

Finally managed to set up two additional Twitter accounts, so now I have a total of three. One has my real name and that will be for regular everyday things, but the other two are in names I randomly drew from a random name generator site. "Nora's" will be for private things and is therefore private and will not accept any follow requests. "Chelsea" will be to document my health and emotions and I left that one public. This way things are better organized and it makes it easier to use as a reference when I want to look something up.

Had another Rosemarie dream last night. We met at some kind of function somewhere. Both of us seemed to know who the other was and we didn't seem to harbor any hard feelings toward each other either. I'm not sure if I was alone at the function or not, but we eventually agreed that I would go with her to someplace. I offered to give her a little gas money and she declined, saying that I could just buy her something to eat instead. I said that would be no problem, not at all fearing that she might have ill intentions in mind or anything like that.

In the next part of the dream Tom, Rosemarie, someone Rosemarie knew, and I were all at the restaurant. We sat in a booth that formed a half-moon with she and I being close to the isle. I was looking good that night and I knew it. I wore one of my most flattering dresses that enhanced my exercise-lifted chest and slimmed my waist. My hair and makeup were done to perfection and I noticed her noticing me even though I pretended not to. During the conversation, it kept coming out that I was "smart" in various ways which I was both pleased and annoyed by. I was pleased that it seemed to impress Rosemarie, who was just as beautiful as she was years ago, but annoyed because I don't like to let on that I know some things I know because it may be easier to use to my advantage in the future if need be. Despite feeling somewhat flattered I didn't seem to have any desire to pursue a friendship with Rosemarie.

Happy 60th Birthday to My Dear Hubby!


Happy 60th birthday to my husband! Even though age is just a number and he’s very healthy, healthier than me despite my being fitter, there's a sense of sadness that comes with the 34-year-old man I met in 1993 entering his 60s.

Tried to create another Twitter account just to document my health, but it wouldn't let me. I tried in two different browsers with two different email addresses.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Bipolar Hormones & Rainbow Lamps

Felt better yesterday, and so far so good today. The anxiety started to bubble up and my stomach went on the fritz, which may have been due to the fruit I ate yesterday, but after a few pieces of tryptophan-laden Turkey and a few swallows of wine, followed by a 10-minute walk, I felt better. I even managed to kick the same pine cone all the way down the street, LOL.

 Not really sure the alcohol helps, though, so I probably won’t get it again. I only drank in Hawaii because the drinks were free. Otherwise, I’ve never found pleasure in drinking like many people do.

 Hopefully, my “bipolar” hormones will give me a break for a while. On top of perimenopause and a medication that’s not at all anxiety-friendly (though I skipped today), I’ve definitely got my PMS on.

 I’ll totally slap the crap out of the next person that calls someone a “wimp” or “coward” for committing suicide. I may not feel like ending it all at the moment, but I can totally see how some people do this simply to end their pain. Is it really cowardly to want to end your suffering be it physically or emotionally? Especially when it’s more than obvious that no matter how many times you see the doctor, they’re not going to do you much good, and your options are limited due to side effects and other things. I’d love to take BC, for example, but can’t cuz of my fucking cholesterol. It seems, however, that people are always quick to judge unless they know firsthand what it’s like. The way Andy said he didn’t feel bad for Robin Williams for “choosing” to throw it all away when he had it all was both shocking and sad. I was surprised that he of all people would be that ignorant and stupid. Common sense should tell a person that no one kills themselves because they’re tired of having it all. He had Parkinson’s disease, and that and his medication made him depressed. If we were still friends he would defend himself by saying that was simply his opinion. Yeah, but there’s a difference between having an opinion and being incorrect. To say I look good or bad with long hair is an opinion. To say I’m tall is an incorrect statement.

I’m just going through a natural part of life and I have to wait it out, hope it ends soon enough, and that nothing else “broke” in my brain a few years ago. I’ve had so many tests done, though. It’s GOT to be the peri, and again, certain meds can fuel the effects.

 Right now I’m not feeling much of anything. I’m not anxious, calm or depressed. As I told Tammy, I still get a lot more anxious than depressed. If I get depressed it’s usually only because I got anxious.

 I know it’s important to stay positive but the longer this goes on the harder it is to tell myself that everything is going to be okay and that my hormones will eventually stabilize. Until I’ve gone half a year without anxiety, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.

 I wonder if it’s worth picking up a bottle of that Evening Primrose Stacey said she takes. It’s just that with my shit luck I’d have side effects. I also don’t want to do anything that could risk throwing my sleep off again. It’s actually been way better lately. Not sure why it’s been better, but I’d like it to stay that way. I don’t even have hot flashes as much as I used to. Right now it’s just the “stabbers” that are my problem where I’ll feel random stabs of anxiety come and go in waves in the center of my chest. Occasionally this will morph into depression depending on how long it went on. I admit that sometimes I let it get bad because I hesitate to run for the lorazepam every time I start feeling a little off as I don’t want to get dependent on it. It doesn’t work as well as it used to, anyway.

 I may not be very strong emotionally, but damn am I strong physically. For a minute I worried that my steroid treatments were giving me “fake” muscle just like levothyroxine can give me “fake” fear, but Tom doesn’t think I’m absorbing nearly enough for it to do that, and my last treatment is in a few days. I would have thought that after all this time Bowflexing that I’m pretty much as strong as I’m going to get, but nope. Gotta up my weights on some exercises.

 Early in the morning, I ordered a really neat desk lamp that I got a few hours ago. The top part has three levels of lighting, and the color of the base can be adjusted.

 Thursday I’ve got Brown Sugar Crumble Donut K-cups coming. I only let myself have one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. I make a point of avoiding things that are bad for anxiety… caffeine, sugar, canned soup, whole wheat bread, etc. Foods good for anxiety are turkey, spinach, blueberries, milk, almonds, avocados, asparagus and other things.

 Started watching The Fall and it’s pretty good so far. It’s filmed in Belfast and one of the things I like about European movies and shows as opposed to the American ones is that they don’t have so much music blasting in the background. This makes it harder to hear the people talking. Besides, we’re supposed to be watching TV, not listening to music.

Got a basic plot figured for my CampNaNo project, so I have that to look forward to in a few days. I was going to set my word count at 10K, but I can do that easily. Maybe I’ll bump it up to 25K. We writers can easily tap out 1000-5000 words a day.

 Oh fuck. Not again with the firecrackers 8 days in advance! Why can’t Independence Day be in the winter when it’s too cold to be out doing this shit? I swear people will do anything to get attention and make a show of themselves.

 In my dreams last night Tammy went to Japan, I got it on with my old doctor, and a young Justin Bieber was annoying the shit out of me on a bus with a bright flashlight he was shining in my eyes.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Cleansed

Always open to possible home jobs, I wonder why there aren't more jobs helping the police catch online child pervies or something like that. But I guess certain things border too close to entrapment, and well, I’m not keen on the idea of helping or supporting the police anyway. Not with the way so many of them use and abuse the law. In many ways, they can be just as shady as drug dealers.

Anyway, I really wish I would hear from some of my Facebook friends a little more often. Other sites I don't care, but on Facebook, I don't like people sitting on my friend list that I don't interact with. Or that don't interact with me. I don't expect people to "like" or comment on everything I post, which isn't much to begin with, but it would be nice to hear from them once a month instead of me always "liking" or commenting on their stuff. Why add someone if you're not going to interact with them at least every now and then?

I try to keep my friend count as low as possible and limited to just those who want to be a regular part of my life so it's easier to customize posts by not having as many names to go through. Every so often I do a little housekeeping and weed out the "deadbeats." It's just that if they happen to notice they've been deleted, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they really wanted to remain connected for some reason. It's just that if I don't hear from them, what am I supposed to think? LOL, common complaint by Facebook users. If it weren't for a few special people I wouldn't even bother with the site, and I don't even follow these people, to be honest. I mostly use the site for messaging and group photos. Not my own group, which is still archived, but photos posted by other groups.

Anyway, I'm going to take a little more time to decide who should stay and who should go.

Although I’m feeling a little better today, I’m still spending more time than I’d like struggling to get my emotions to match my life. I totally get it now. All those people that seemed to have it all that would act so miserable, and that I was quick to write off as spoiled, ungrateful little drama queens/kings which simply couldn’t be satisfied. But now I know that sometimes our hormones simply don’t give a shit what’s going on in our lives. I may have a bit of a stagnant life at times, but I otherwise have a very good life many may envy. Yet I have felt nearly every negative emotion known to humankind for most of the month of June. So much for being my favorite month of the year. Never would I have thought that my own mind and body could turn on me like this and drive me absolutely batshit crazy. What’s a little scary is that now I’m getting depressed more often on top of anxious. I’m PMSing now too, but it remains to be seen if I get a period to go with this PMS. I’m sure I will, I just wasn’t counting on that until August.

Our top two guesses for what I’m going through is still a combination of my medication and perimenopause, though we cleansed the house with sage early in the morning just in case. Still don’t know if I believe in spirits or demons, but maybe negative energy that’s accumulated over time has a part in things. The people that had to leave this place before didn’t leave because they wanted to, but because they got old. That right there could leave behind some negative energy, even if it might have taken a year for it to catch up to me. So while I still say God is just a coping method people created to help them get through life (along with a weapon to threaten and control others), and spirits of loved ones is just their way of being unable to let go, I admit that without scientific proof or any first-hand experience with these things, I can’t rule out any possibility. I’m willing to try almost anything once.

Ironically the sage, which smelled horrible, went out right as he was entering the master bedroom. That's where it all started. Had my first attack in there early on the morning of July 9th.

I read an article on the telltale signs of if you’ve got spirits, demons or negative energy in your home, and I must admit that some of them struck an uncanny sense of familiarity. Like the times I’ve woken up feeling almost like I couldn’t get enough air yet my lungs didn’t feel congested or blocked in any way. Nor do I have sleep apnea.

Then there are certain sounds I’ve heard around the house, thinking Tom is getting up or walking up behind me that I wrote off to the house simply settling. I know no one actually died in the house, but I suppose negative energy is still possible.

Speaking of negative, I’ve been trying to get out of the habit of telling myself things like, “You’ll never handle this,” “You could never make it through that,” “You’re not strong enough to do this,” etc. I realized that the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m likely to believe them, thus making them true. The only positive thing I feel I can say right now, though, is that I’ve been sleeping better. I’m just trying to keep busy and not spend as much time alone. The latter is a little easier said than done, however, when you don’t drive and you have CRD.

I’m also afraid to trust people because I have been burned so many times in life. I’ve reached out to people who have actually welcomed and encouraged me to do so, only to later be accused of simply “wanting attention,” so that’s part of why I tend to keep anything negative to myself. I figure why depress or worry others along with me? Besides, it’s no one else’s business. Either way, so many people can start off seeming so wonderful, so real, so honest, so compassionate, so loyal… and then one day they’re gone. Sometimes they’ll tell you why they’re abandoning you, and sometimes they’ll just silently slip away without explanation. Sometimes a part of me deserved it as I can’t always be perfect myself, but other times I have been nothing but good and supportive and honest to certain people just to find that it didn’t mean shit in the end, and to end up cast aside like yesterday’s trash.

I drank for the first time in 3.5 years last night, but it didn’t do me any good. It was just a strawberry daiquiri wine cooler. So much for drinking my anxiety away like I’ve heard some people do. But then their anxiety may be generalized anxiety or social anxiety while mine is physiological. Perhaps it’s for the better that it didn’t help. No point in trading in one problem for another.

Tom believes that of all the different things we’re doing to help me feel better that the cleansing will help, and my body will settle into the new medication dose in about a week. As for the cleansing ritual, he was pointing out that if something is widely used it’s usually for a reason. So I guess time will tell if it helps or if they’re all just crazy and delusional. :)

Decided to give the clonidine another try so we picked up a refill. Don’t know that I’ll ever really use it, but it’s here if I change my mind.

We signed up for a 30-day trial of Office 365 Home. The only thing I don’t like about it so far is that I have to re-record my macros that automatically insert dates and times, and it wants to put a space between the first character of each paragraph. It has a mail program that Tom likes, and a lot more cloud storage than Amazon.

He put oil in the car, air in the tires, and trimmed some trees.

We went on a quick walk late last night and checked out the notice in the door of the house diagonally in the back. It was abandoned as we figured it was, probably by someone who didn’t have kids to take care of cleaning the house out and putting it on the market. There was still some stuff inside the house. Anyway, that was their second of third notices. Their space rent is lower than ours but then the woman was there a lot longer than we’ve been here. Yeah, 4 years here and 3 years as a madwoman whose life as she’d mostly known it to be seems forever lost.

I had a couple of dreams in which I was living in a rural setting. Jesse lived a few hundred feet away. In the distance, I could see men, some white and some black, milling about his place in tuxes.

A split second later an attractive black woman was in our house. Tom wasn’t home at the time. The woman told me she and Jesse just got married, and that someone had complained about their dogs. I worried they would think it was us when it wasn’t.

But then the black woman became a Latina woman with friends and family scattered about the house. Most of them were in their 20s and I didn’t know a soul. Latino music was playing that they probably didn’t know I could understand, and I was worried they would steal things.

Then I was cleaning a guinea pig’s glass aquarium, and then we lived in another place that had a long straight black driveway flanked by recently mowed lawns. Two old cars were parked to one side where we were keeping a couple of rabbits. I went to refill their water bottle which was outside the cars, making me wonder how they could drink it. Then I was worried I’d been neglecting them by underfeeding them and not giving them enough attention, so I ran into the house to fetch some carrots.