Monday, January 2, 2017

No More Drought Here

It's cold and rainy here. Yesterday I had mild anxiety from noon to midnight and lost half a pound because of it. The only good in it is that it’s a great appetite suppressant. Research suggests I have many years left of this shit to deal with, so I realize it’s important that I learn to adapt and let my body get used to feeling anxious whenever it comes on. If my hormones ever stabilized – and that’s a very big if – I could have anywhere from a few more years to a decade before that happens. I almost took a lorazepam last night, but realized that masking the feeling isn’t going to help get me used to it. Instead of trying to fight, control or change it, I must embrace it and use it to my advantage if I’m going to lose any more weight. If my heart had been racing then I probably would have taken the lorazepam, but my heart wasn’t racing at all. It was just that steady underlying feeling of anxiety in the center of my chest that I sometimes get. It was annoying, distracting and uncomfortable, but nothing scary. The only other negative to feeling anxious is that I’m not as productive when I get that way. I tend to lie around more when the feeling comes on. But I’m determined to adapt! If this is going to be a regular part of my life for sometime to come, what choice do I have?

We went to Raley’s in the afternoon and got some cooked food as well as a few treats. We tried chocolate covered potato chips for the first time, and damn were they good. Come mid-January I have to really behave, though. About six weeks before labs I really like to back off the cholesterol and be extra sure to get a half hour of cardio in five days a week to trick that LDL score.

Couldn’t get into American Horror Story, so now I’m watching Lie to Me on Netflix.

Burke was hilarious the other day. In the corner of the laundry room closet I found a small plastic ball with a little bell in it that was from when the cat was here. I would roll it toward him and he would push it back. It was the cutest thing ever!

We were living in the Phoenix house again in my dreams last night, and again it looked exactly as it should look. I don’t know why I have so many dreams of living in that house but that’s the only house that looks like it really did. Anytime I dream of being back in the Maricopa house or this house, it doesn’t look like anything I ever lived in.

I must have slept all day because when I got up, I stepped out of the master bedroom and found him asleep on the living room couch. I thought it was weird that he crashed there.

Then I noticed the door to the second bedroom was shut. I pushed it open and fumbled for the light switch but found that the power was out. The kitchen light was on, however, and there was enough of a glow coming from that to see that Tom let the rats run around loose in the room without their cage to hop into for potty calls. I made a mental note to remind him that we didn’t need them pissing and shitting all over the carpet. We would have to get a litter box if they weren’t going to have a cage.

I shut the door and was approached by two cats. That explained why the rats were shut up in the bedroom. My dream self knew the cats were just temporary and that we were just keeping them for someone who was on vacation, since keeping them around for more than a few weeks would trigger my asthma.

I then went into the kitchen and noticed that Tom had installed a new floor all by himself. The sticky tiles had dark green and dark orange to them and these distorted fish-like shapes, but I thought it looked great, LOL.

Then I went into the back room where my laptop was.

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