Tuesday, January 10, 2017

No Mystery

On the 16th, I will see S. Really looking forward to our session and hoping it goes a lot better than last time. Seriously, I don't want to be introduced to a fourth personality! LOL

At first I hesitated to write about this, but not only is it MY journal, I'm also pretty certain that the Kim/Aly duo aren't following me, so I feel I can speak more freely if I make any kind of reference to them. Again, though, I don't give a shit anymore if they accidentally or intentionally delve into anything of mine. If they find and block my Twitter account - fine. If they find and block my Prosebox account - fine. They can block me on Facebook, they can read me on my-diary, they can block me here, etc. My guess is that if they do come to any accounts of mine in which they're aware of, it's to play victim and block me and not because they're curious as to what I might say about them or anything else for that matter. I know I'm not going to contact them again and that they have no real need to block me, and that's enough for me to know. I may make references to them from time to time since they were once a part of my life for several years, but when I'm not doing so, they are nothing and nobody to me. In my mind we never met and I don't even know they exist. So like I said, if they're reading me or blocking me, it's solely a one-sided game that only they're playing.

When I was feeling really anxious the other night, these former trolls popped into mind. First I had a few moments of missing Aly and wishing I could reach out to her. But then I thought better of it when I remembered what a liar she is, not to mention incredibly selfish. But even so... Just comparing some of my old problems to my current ones makes me realize that some of the old ones weren't so bad after all. As I've said before, external sources aren't nearly as tough to deal with as internal sources. Internal sources have more mystery to them and are just scarier. I think I'm suffering from perimenopause but I don't know this for sure. Nor do I know how long it's going to go on. It could end this year or it could end in many years. So we're talking about the scary unknown.

But there was no mystery in trolls like Kim and Molly. I would give almost anything in return for the days when my worst problem was having to deal with their relentless stalking, prodding, peeping Tom ways... And their occasional threats and insults. They were harmless, they were many miles away, and there was no guesswork involved. The only thing I didn't know was how many years they would follow me around and pester me and my friends. Sometimes it felt like they would never stop. Everything else was simple and straightforward. They were simply rejected outcasts with nothing better to do than pick on those that wanted nothing to do with them. But yeah, when I get to feeling really anxious or depressed, I wish my worst problem was getting up each day (or night) and wondering what shit they'd been up to while I slept and what unwanted contact from them I may find on the various sites that I frequented. One of their favorite places to harass me on was Ask.fm because they could do it anonymously. Even Aly picked on me at times there just to mess with me, but I admit that I sometimes gave her a taste of her own medicine; just not as high of a dose as she fed me.

Aly has promised never to forgive me for my bluntness and that's okay. I realize that I too, need to be less forgiving. Yes, there will always be things about her I'll miss. But if we were suddenly friends again, the clinginess and the demands and the guilt trips would start all over again right along with the lies. Then anytime I was honest with her, something I would think most friends would actually want from their friends, I would be called rude, negative, judgmental and critical. She was partially right, however. Sometimes I really could get judgmental and I still can. I criticized her friendship with Kim because I always believed Kim was never a true friend and that she would only fuck her over if she hasn't already. But just like "Agent P" herself told me, who she's friends with should be up to her. If Kim's a mistake, then it's her mistake to make. True to each other or not, my guess is that they'll always be friends. Well, they can have each other, and you know, maybe they're actually good for each other. They're both only willing to tell each other what they think they want to hear, they both have the same interests, and they're both probably going to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Oh, won't some poor loser please come and stalk me again and help distract me from the scary unknown that lives inside me?

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