Thursday, January 12, 2017

On Forgiveness

Saw a missed call from an unfamiliar number on my phone and my first thought was S. What is she going to do now? I asked myself. Pester me? Oh, to be pestered by one who’s both hot and intelligent, haha. Now that would be a lot of fun, wouldn’t it? When I ran the number online, however, I found it was likely connected to an insurance scam. Aw, too bad, huh? ;)

So I got to thinking about forgiveness, a subject Tammy and I briefly hit upon during our discussion. She’s way more forgiving than I am in general, but I believe that there is no right or wrong as far as how forgiving or unforgiving one may be, any more than it’s right or wrong to be an atheist. I kind of understand some people’s point in that it’s supposed to be helpful to us if we can forgive those that have wronged us, but for me, it’s not something I can pick or choose any more than I can control what colors or foods I like. It’s something that just is. It just so happens that I cannot forgive those who have wronged me in a huge way, while those who have wronged me in a smaller way… forgiveness depends. I usually don’t give second chances if I do forgive you, and I definitely don’t give third chances. Another thing that’s definite is that I never forget. I mean come on. I’d have to have a case of clear-cut amnesia in order to literally forget, wouldn’t I? But I get some people’s point about moving on and trying not to dwell on things since the past can’t be undone anyway.

Do I think she’s wrong or a bad person for being more forgiving? Absolutely not. Do I think I’m wrong or a bad person because I tend to be the opposite? Absolutely not. Not that she hasn’t been screwed over enough in her own life, but I think the reason I tend to be less forgiving is simply to protect myself. Almost every time I’ve forgiven someone for something, they eventually end up doing the same damn thing to me all over again. It may take a little time, that’s all.

But how willing I am to forgive a person depends on how bad they screwed me over and how many times they did it. There are some people that I could probably forgive if they were simply willing to come out and apologize for and admit their part in things instead of putting it all on me. If I can own up to and take responsibility for my own wrongdoings in whatever, then so can they. But I’m not going to apologize for something I truly didn’t do. I know I could make things a lot easier if I did by putting it all on myself and not only be admitting to whatever I was truly guilty of as well as what I was falsely accused of. But then I would be the liar they accuse me of, and I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be fair to me and it wouldn’t be fair to them either. I stand firmly in what I personally believe I did wrong and what they did wrong and that’s not going to change. I’m not going to feel guilty for it either, not that anyone’s tried to make me feel that way.

As for those who have abused me physically, emotionally or legally, as in a bigger way… I can never and will never forgive anyone who ever had a hand in these sorts of things whether it was directly or indirectly. Everyone involved knew what they were doing, they knew right from wrong, yet they chose to do what they did anyway. Or to at least sit back and watch/let it happen.

So all in all, I make no apologies for being how I am and neither should anyone else. If you feel you can forgive someone for something, fine. That’s on you and that’s your right to do so. But I’m me and I’m always going to be me. :) No one has to forgive me for any mistake I may’ve made in the past, and I don’t have to forgive them either. I simply accept that it happened, we disagree, we don’t get along, and therefore we probably shouldn’t communicate with each other. And that’s ok. :)

Slept horribly last night. No anxiety and no nightmares. I just kept waking up and hot flashing the night away. I’ve had the PMS from hell for weeks now. I’m waterlogged and my boobies are sore. I would really like to just get a period or hit menopause for once and for all!

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