Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Phone Tag


Ended up playing phone tag with S and hoping we catch each other today.

Yesterday I had about 5 hours of anxiety, but so far so good today. That, unfortunately, may be because I took a lorazepam less than 12 hours ago. Yeah, nothing like having your dead mother alive and plenty well enough to haunt you in your nightmares. I woke up several times with nightmares, overheated and with my heart thumping. I only remember one dream, though. First she abuses me in real life, then she gets to do it all over again in dreams. Only instead of smacking me around, taking away my favorite toys, verbally abusing me, or giving me away to the state, she abandons me. She abandoned me in real life as giving your kid up no matter what the “experts” may suggest is obviously still a form of abandonment, only she did it in a different way in the dream.

In the dream, she was still alive and old. She and dad moved and never told me where they went. I felt a sense of confusion and abandonment. Someone, though I don’t know who, asked what I was doing as they saw me frantically tapping away at my keyboard. I said, “For some reason my parents chose not to tell me where they moved to and I’d like to find out why.”

I couldn’t remember their phone number, so I was going to go through my long call history and try to pull up the number to see if it would go through. Then a video of some kind was playing on my monitor and I realized that the writing in the lower corner of the screen might be the name of the place they moved to.

The dream ended with me wondering if they were worth the bother, and if maybe I should just let them go since they obviously didn’t want to keep in touch for some reason.

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