Friday, January 6, 2017

Physical or Psychological?

Last night my heart raced well into the 120s for no reason for quite a while. I skipped my thyroid pill today and coincidentally or not I have felt just fine all day. I was so tempted to just drop my thyroid meds altogether because then I knew that if it ever happened again, that would rule out the meds, but I don’t want to invite a host of other problems back into my life either.

I don’t know if I’m having mild pocket flares and therefore it is connected to the meds, or if it’s all on the perimenopause. I just enjoy each day that I actually feel good and not anxious.

Last night was actually the second night in a row that my heart raced. Tests have shown that I’m still heart healthy, so something else is going on. We both still agree that it probably is all, if not mostly, perimenopause, but I wonder if my medication might be fueling it at times.

I took lorazepam yesterday, and while it didn’t knock me out because it was early in my day, it didn’t help as much with my anxiety either. Neither did the tryptophan in the chicken I ate. It’s like this kind of anxiety is harder to get rid of, and each cycle tortures me in a different way, so I’ve noticed. It was mostly about hot flashes in racing hearts at first, then it was the butterflies in the stomach, then it was the dizziness and fatigue, and now it’s anxiety in the chest with some hot flashes and racy hearts.

I just wish I could live my life without anxiety so much of the time! I never had this problem before a couple years ago and I never would’ve guessed that I would get this so late in life. Is life as I knew it really mostly gone forever? It’s too bad too, because my life would be damn near perfect without the fucking anxiety.

Tom works so damn much that it may be centuries before we finish the floors and other things. We haven’t even finished cleaning the damn carpet yet. These tiles are weird. They feel much colder to our bare feet than the linoleum underneath it.

I have plans for some minor changes and upgrades throughout the house. It’s not something I’ll do all at once, but whenever I get around to it. We both agreed that the master bedroom is the only room that came out perfect. I’m not going to change the color of the walls or the wall décor in there.

It’s likely that we’ll never paint anything in here again other than to touch up the quarter rounds where the wall meets the ceiling. This only needs to be done in the hall and second bedroom.

The pink in the hallway, the blue in the laundry room, and the yellow in the kitchen are way too stark. We’re going to eventually sheet rock over the hallway and laundry room and white those walls back out. You can now get cheap pieces of the stuff that you just slap on the walls.

I’m going to pick out some kind of decorative backsplash that you stick on for the kitchen. Probably something like a white brick design.

Since I feel the place is too busy and too circus looking, I’ve put many knickknacks and collectibles away for now, and I’m going to remove some of the wall stickers and change some others. I’m actually only going to do this in the hall. Right now I have 4 large gymnast silhouette stickers there, which are going to be replaced with scenic “windows” (flowers/beaches).

I’m going to remove the small figure skater silhouette as well as “grass” and flowers that are along the base in the strip of wall area between the living room and the laundry room. I’m just going to put up a bamboo tree silhouette there, and then take all the butterflies that are flying along the hallway, and form a string of them along the side of the built-in bookcase.

I still wake up at hot times, and of course, there’s the fucking traffic, but overall I’ve been sleeping better. And having hilarious dreams, too.

I had a dream that my parents were alive and they bought me a small house that was inside a mall. It was shaped like a T, and I had mixed emotions about my parents surprising me with the place. I appreciated the gesture, but I didn’t like how noisy it was in the daytime. My parents chose it because they thought it would be safer being inside a mall that was patrolled by security at night.

I went to a store to pick up some snacks with a little boy in another dream which someone asked us to go get. At first, I was wondering how we were going to carry the stuff back as it was kind of a long walk.

At some point along the way, I realized that my left hand was empty. “I must have dropped whatever I was caring in that hand,” I said.

“Yeah, you dropped the cakes,” the boy said.

I told the boy to stay there and that I was going to run back until I found the cakes. When he started to mention how long that would take I assured him that I could run really fast. I took off and covered quite a bit a distance pretty fast. Then I suddenly became fearful at the idea of leaving the kid all by himself.

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