Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Shit, I'm a Redhead


Got auburn-brown dye in my hair and I’m waiting till it’s time to wash it out.

Poor Tom, who has exercised induced asthma, was wheezing and coughing his brains out after I tried to coax him to run with me a little more this evening. I should’ve known better than to damn near black widow the poor guy! I’m younger, in much better shape, and not nearly as heavy. I’ll just run solo from now on. Biking is much better exercise for him and it’s more fun, too. It’s just been way too cold for that. It was 56° when we went out, yet it felt like it was in the mid-40s.

A half hour later…

OMFG, my hair looks awful! As usual, the dye wouldn’t take at the very center of my forehead or on the sides even though I swear I saturated it good. The color also clashes with my eyebrows. The people that made the dye must be colorblind too, cuz auburn-brown really means red. The gray that did get covered is red and the brown part is auburn. So just like before I’m 3-toned. Instead of gray, medium brown and dark brown, I now have red, auburn and gray. :( I’ll brown it out in a month or two.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I haven’t heard that insanely loud car for two days. Really hoping the person was just visiting. I thought they looked a little young for the place the couple times I got a glimpse of them. Or maybe the “influencer” struck again with the little spell she did her mind? That may be wishful thinking, but maybe not. I’ve wished upon a star a little too hard before, so anything is possible.

New Position


Landscaping. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

On the bright side, Tom took a position he was offered, although we’re not sure how “bright” it will be. His pay went up, but since it will be fewer hours (supposedly) it will actually be a little less money, but as I said before, we’re willing to lose a little money in order for him to have his life back. The only unfortunate thing is that it’s still first shift. They may also be hoping to roll him onto a salary in a few months, which he would rather not do. That way they can try to take advantage of him and he would be more likely to be asked to travel. I could go with him, but they wouldn’t pay for my expenses.

Looking for a new series to get into. Although there’s only one season of Twisted, so far it seems pretty good. It’s aimed at teens, but a lot of the teen stuff is the same as the adult stuff, just minus the gore, sex and swearing. It’s an ongoing mystery as opposed to one or two crime cases per show.

"If you believed in God would you believe that he sometimes tests us?" someone asked me.

Punishes, maybe, or at least allows bad things to happen to us, but tests, no. If you believe that He never gives us more than we can handle, then He should know upfront what we can and cannot handle and therefore He shouldn't need to test us. God is supposed to be all-knowing, right? Isn't that part of the fantasy when it was created, just like Santa Claus was also made up to be all-knowing and to know who's naughty and who's nice?

The reality is that we're all eventually given more than we can handle. If we weren't then we would be immortal.

I was also asked if we would still consider Florida even if I had no family there if we're not able to go straight to Hawaii. Yes, Florida is on the table regardless.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Humiliating & Infuriating

Got up just after 11am and thought, wow, it’s oddly quiet around here. Nice, but weird since I’m not used to peace unless it’s at night, and even then I’m subject to some loud vehicles and planes. Sure enough, 20 minutes later someone starts mowing in front. Another 10 minutes I moved to the bedroom at the other end of the house with my coffee and someone’s running a blower. Oh well. It’s still beats listening to dogs bark round-the-clock, and anything is better than loud car stereos, though I do sometimes hear those blasting down the freeway. I think there are very few places on earth that don’t hear the damn things. Sad, huh?

Still doing okay on the steroid gel as far as any negative skin reactions go, but I think it might be making my mouth dry and me a little drowsy. I messaged my GYN to ask if that was okay. I try not to read up on side effects too much beforehand otherwise they’ll be playing on my mind constantly.

I sure am hot flashy today. :-( My biggest fear is the anxiety returning. There honestly is no worse feeling on earth. But so far so good this year. I had just three anxious days in January and it looks like I’m not going to have any at all for February. Still, I live in the fear of it returning, even though I try not to and I try to think positive. It’s just such a merciless and unpredictable thing.

Getting a little watery too, so there’s another period out there somewhere. :-(

Last night I dreamed I was living with my parents and Tammy. Ugh. Tammy’s one thing, but the parents? A small band came over one night leading me to think that it had something to do with a contest I entered and something I won. There were about half a dozen members and they set up their instruments and started playing in our large living room. I soon caught on that they were just trying to sell something, so I yelled at them and told them to get out. One of the female members was crying on her way out. I started to feel bad for her and was on the verge of apologizing until I thought better of it, thinking that they should learn their lesson by this.

After they left I went into Tammy's dark, windowless room where she had three pet rats of her own (haha). On the bed sat a surprisingly quiet three-year-old girl, which Tammy said the band accidentally left behind. I was surprised because I didn’t remember seeing the kid before. We decided to wait until mom came home to ask her what we should do. I picked the blond haired kid up, sat her on my lap, and was cooling gently to her as she sucked her thumb.

Then I had a dream that I stupidly set my purse down just outside some fitting rooms to go glance at something real quick. That was all it took. My purse was gone when I returned to where I had placed it.

In real life, I was looking back in my 1996 journal where I wrote about some of my childhood and came upon something that made me utterly sick to my stomach even 35 years after the fact. Seriously, to say it wasn’t humiliating and infuriating is an understatement! It has to do with when I was in the Northampton State funny farm. I copied an excerpt (in italics) albeit with a touch of editing for better readability. I wasn’t a very good writer 20 years ago.

As much as I like to pride myself on having a good memory, my memory just isn’t what it used to be. Oh, I remember the state hospital quite well. The crazy old lady that beat me over the head with a bag in the bathroom without stall doors… the equally crazy lady in the bed across from me in my cubicle that constantly did herself while staring creepily at me… the guy that threatened me if I ever dared ask him for a cigarette again… but I totally forgot about this part until I read it.

At age 16, I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 4-day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I'd been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, I sat on my bed crying. That’s all I did. I didn't hurt anything, anyone or myself. Yet they tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. My natural instinct was to try to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee, they'd bring a bedpan, and someone fed me as if I were a little kid. Once they untied one arm to allow me to feed myself, but I soon punched one of the staffers, so they tied me back down and continued feeding me themselves. It was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the fucking food into my mouth.

Ask me again why I don’t believe in God.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Amazon & Sam's


Decided to do an entry during what’s been a fun and productive weekend before I go out running. It’s 60° and I want it to get closer to 50° before I go out and I would prefer there not to be any direct sunlight.

I always wanted to try one of those moisture-wicking running shirts, so I ordered one on Amazon in orchid pink. Target’s prices are ridiculous. Why pay $16 for a moisture-wicking bra when I can get a shirt for a few dollars less on Amazon? So if I feel the one I’m getting Wednesday keeps me more comfortable I’ll get more like it.

I also grabbed another Hanes sweatshirt that they have for just $8 because they’re so comfortable and they’re great for running in colder weather. The material is thick and cozy. They’re good for anything… hanging around house, running errands, going to appointments. They’re just a solid color, no-frills, simple but nice shirt. So now I will have a Hanes sweatshirt in magenta, purple and blue. Maybe I’ll get the green one someday. My specialty sweatshirts, the one with the aurora borealis and the dripping paint rainbow, are better for when I’m going out to see people I know.

We also went to Sam’s again where I picked up some Clorox wipes and Swiffer dusters. Then I treated myself to another pair of Calvin Klein sweatpants, which are also good for just about anything. So now I have one in light gray and one in dark gray. Neutral colors that won’t clash with my colored tops. I’ll be changing up into a pair for my upcoming run.

Lastly, I treated myself to a carousel of 100 gel pens in a rainbow of colors. I love the colors, but the pens are kind of shitty quality because they skip. They’re still good for my adult coloring books and notes. I always document what dreams I can remember from the night before when I get up. I love the carousel because once I use up the gel pens, I can move my colored pencils into it, my preferred medium for coloring as opposed to pens, markers and watercolors.

Oh, also on Amazon we ordered a tower air cleaner identical to the one we got to put by the rats. Even though it’s a little pricey, it’s one of the smartest buys we’ve made. It does a fantastic job and it’s so easy to change the filter. I love how the light turns from steady green to a blinking red when it’s time to be changed.

I applied the fourth dose of the steroid cream this morning and I haven’t had any issues.

We went out walking yesterday and Jon said hello to us. I noticed that Ray was visiting him again. I saw him the other day at the mailbox, too. I get the impression, not that it matters, that Ray doesn’t like me very much. Could it be because I’m a lot younger? Or maybe he’s just not a very chatty person with most people anyway. I don’t care either way. It’s just something I noticed. He lives 2-3 houses down from Bob and Virginia.

Other than hearing the usual mix of landscaping and loud vehicles, it looks like the lady on the corner diagonally from the second bedroom, either died or was moved to a home. So now I have to worry again about what may end up too close for comfort. They’re not as close as the last two houses that sold near us, of course, so I’m not too worried, but they’re definitely much too close for a motorcycle. It’s amazing how many people that have moved into this park in the 3.5 years we’ve been here!

I’m going to spend the evening relaxing with audiobooks, Netflix, popcorn and maybe I’ll work on my story. I hate editing so much that I wish I could just write the story and leave it at that, but if I did a third of the story wouldn’t make sense.

Last night I dreamed I chatted on the phone with Tammy who sounded pretty upbeat. She seemed healthier, happier and more energetic. I hope that’s been the case and that she’s catching up on doing things she was unable to do when her health was worse because I haven’t heard much from her lately. I’ve pestered her enough, though, with messages, LOL.

In the dream, we lived on the mountain that was sort of shaped like an upended bowl. Who knows how we drove up and down it? The nearest neighbor had to have been more than just a couple hundred feet away. While I was talking to Tammy in the bedroom as Tom watched TV in the living room, a helicopter hovered close by, annoying the hell out of me. Tammy said they used to get that shit back in Connecticut, then she told me about a prank she and Mark pulled on someone who lived in the area, though I don’t remember what she said they did. Something about pranking someone threatening to steal their house maybe?

Then I went on to describe my last period to her and asked if she thought that could be my last one, then I turned off an old-fashioned TV in the corner of the room, and then I said we had a lot of “Cali palms.”

Saturday, February 25, 2017

She's Gone


No hip pain today. Yay me! Tom and I are going out walking and running when he completes what will be his final Saturday. Yeah, he told the jokers at work he’d work today before they conveniently failed to follow through with their promise of a job offer by yesterday. As long as they’re not going to keep their word, though, he may continue to do a little OT during the week, but no more Saturdays! The man needs to have a life.

He is grateful to me for helping in the ways that I do, like with laundry, cleaning and things I’m happy to do because he simply doesn’t have time to tackle it himself. :)

Good news: I’m so active I can eat all I want and not gain weight.

Bad news: I have NO willpower to cut back and get my skinny on to lower my cholesterol naturally.

Today’s thing to be grateful for: That one of my newer friends found someone else to Facebook with. I’m almost never there anymore other than to check messages. I don’t scroll through the feed but may comment on something I happen to catch at the top of the feed when I jump in to check for messages. Almost all of what I post are journal links, and I don’t have to go to Facebook to do it. I share from Blogger. So as a reminder to any Facebook friends that may be reading this, my lack of contact isn’t because I stopped caring but because Facebook just doesn’t interest me. I’m also too busy at times to be online, but if you have anything you want me to know, message me!

Today’s pet peeve: Will people please stop talking to me as if I too, am part of their God fantasy. I have no problem with what others believe, but when they say things like, “Isn’t it great that God gave us blah blah blah,” I’m like, “Whoa! YOU believe God gave us whatever. I don’t even know that there is a God, and I don’t know that I would consider Him a friend even if I did with a lot of what I see going on in this world.”

No offense, but I see adults turning to God much as I see a child turning to an imaginary friend for either entertainment or support. Again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing what you gotta do to survive life; I just don’t like it when people automatically assume that I’m part of this lifestyle. I’m not. I prefer my husband, pets, exercise, music, writing, audiobooks, Netflix, etc.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the last time I walked out of S’s office, I had the feeling I would never see her again as a patient. If that were true then that would mean the worst of my anxiety was over. It’s likely that we’ll keep in touch every now and then, however.

I started the folliculitis treatment and I don’t even find that it burns at all like the other cream, which caused a slight burning sensation. If this stuff is going to be a problem in any way it’s going to take time. It has to build up in the system much like levothyroxine does.

I was a little nervous applying my first dose last night, so I made sure Tom was home. He assured me that if I were going to have an allergic reaction, it would have happened right away, and reminded me that I’ve taken oral steroids for asthma before. This is true, even if it was a million years ago back east. All they did was make me bloated and retain water. Fortunately, my allergies are mostly from dust, dander and some plants. I don’t have food or drug allergies.

“She’s gone forever and she’s never coming back, huh?” I said to Tom last night. “That person that before 2014 could simply take whatever she was prescribed without a second thought, fear or concern.”

He agrees that that person is probably not coming back, but I am learning to live with my medication phobia just like, as he pointed out, I learned to live with my spider phobia.

LOL, no need to worry about them anytime soon with this cold weather we’ve been having. We froze last night or pretty close to it. But yeah, if it can ever warm up and stay that way for more than 5 minutes, we’ll have to bomb the place as the creepfest awakens.

What else… just listening to the usual traffic and daily landscaping annoyances. God, just to have one day off from that. Just one day. Some things I just can’t get used to, so it seems. I’ve lived in noisy places almost all my adult life, but there is still nothing that beats the sound of silence.

The traffic is still worse than the landscaping. The landscaping is only in the daytime. The traffic is almost round-the-clock. I still can’t believe so much traffic could exist in a gated adult community. And so many loud vehicles, too!

That insanely loud Firebird continues to come and go multiple times a day anywhere from 7 AM to 1 AM. I don’t understand why they can’t just go out, get what they need and leave it at that. Nobody has that many doctors’ appointments, nobody has that many errands, and nobody has that many friends.

Or do they?

Friday, February 24, 2017

Just Make Your Offer Already!


Just when I thought I was wonderfully non-psychic after so many negative dream premonitions and then not having any, I had a bad dream about someone, told myself my track record had been shitty lately and not to worry, but then a few hours later I learned that what I dream happened to them. :-(

Someone asked why Alison dumped me. For a few reasons. Because of our different views on Muslims, the fact that I tried to warn her about a "friend's" dishonesty and selfishness that she didn't want to hear about, even though she's admitted that the person lacks empathy and has lied to her before. Lastly, she suffers from depression and this causes her not to always think very rationally, also as she herself admits. I tried to explain that I couldn't be there for her online or via text 24/7, but she insisted and believed that I really didn't give a shit. Not true, of course, but as they say... You can tell someone the facts, but you can't always make them understand or believe them.

Speaking of dreams, I also dreamed that Tom was buying pants for a job interview rather than actually being offered a job, and knew in my gut that that wasn't a good sign when I got up and Skyped him about it. He was hoping the "dream people" would give us a good sign. Yeah, well, sure enough, they're continuing to fuck with him at work, not come through with offering the promotion they promised to offer by today, and want him to work 6 days a week after pulling 10-hour shifts during the week. This is a total of 50-fucking-8 hours a week! From now on he’s going to refuse to work Saturdays and he’s going to start applying elsewhere. Not sure what an older white man can get when today’s job market belongs to the young minority, especially in the west, but California is a big pay state. Most jobs start above minimum wage and it’s fairly common to start at $15 to $20-something an hour here. The absolute lowest we can afford to go would be about 36K a year. That would pay the necessities but not leave much extra money for savings or fun stuff. We’d HATE to have to take such a huge cut like that, but we would if we had to. Money’s nice but it’s not everything. We’d also prefer he worked 2nd or 3rd shift as opposed to 1st for appointments and stuff like that.

It just really pisses the shit out of me to see him treated the way he’s treated despite making a lot of money. He has no life. He’s a slave to that job. We’d both prefer him to be married to me, not that fucking job. We’ve had to neglect and put off so much shit because of that job, and if they keep fucking him over, they’re going to be held responsible somehow, someway. I made a promise to myself 17 years ago when I stupidly let myself get screwed over in Arizona, and you know what? I’m real damn good at keeping two things… promises and secrets. Tell me you killed someone and beg me to keep it a secret and I will. No joke.

The only problem is that I’m not sure what we can do about the way they’re treating him because they’re not breaking any laws. He makes more than 90% of the people do at that company, and I think that’s part of why they expect so damn much of him. In California there are no laws from what I can tell as far as how many hours you can have your employees work. The only law is that you have to pay them for their work.

There is some good in it, however. He’s made good money much of his working years and we’re looking at a comfortable retirement. I don’t think he could retire early, though. Not unless we wanted to live in a cheap apartment in a cheap place, and we don’t. Places that are real cheap tend to be arctic-like like where we lived in Oregon.

Another good thing is that it may help us have more options for when he retires.

Despite making good money for the most part throughout the years, we have definitely had our poor spells. Let’s not forget how bad we struggled from 2007-2011. So we do have to kind of laugh at the thought of him passing up Saturdays. Just never thought we’d be in a position to pass up that kind of money. At this point, however, he would be willing to take a small pay cut in order to be able to work the standard 40 hours a week. I know it sounds funny, but it’s damn true! He makes almost as much in OT as he does in base pay and he was hoping the promotion would pay approximately the same, but with fewer hours. Yet so far they’re all talk to no action.

Our electric bill is $67 this month, and then we got the bill for our near $900 space rent. There’s still something that just doesn’t seem right about paying rent on top of a mortgage. :-(

I still have some hip pain, so I went out walking for 15 minutes instead of 30. The sun was warm but the air was cold. It was about 42° when I was out, but I was fine in just a sweatshirt. Then I worked on the Bowflex for about a half an hour. I was worried my hip would be worse afterward but it’s about the same. I noticed that when I step on my left foot, but it’s not excruciating or anything like that. I haven’t had to take anything for it.

I just wish they would make him a fucking offer for him to either accept or refuse like they said they would!

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Clobetasol


Tom was told that they would make the job offer by tomorrow. The big question is whether or not it will be worth accepting. If not, he will then have to decide if he should remain with this company or look elsewhere.

Chatted with Joe the mailman for a few minutes yesterday. I got that rat magazine I won. For some reason, I thought it was coming from Canada, but it actually came from the UK. They were kind enough to send a second copy because I never got the first one. The paper isn’t glossy like a typical magazine. It almost looks like a newsletter, but I’m sure it will be a very interesting read, even if I don’t learn anything new. I’ve been a rat owner since 1998. I know rats better than rats know themselves.

I joked with Bob the other day, saying I deserve to listen to him pound out 20 birdhouses for the roofing noise that’s heading his way over the next couple months. He said it should only take a couple days. That’s true. I know exactly how roofs are done. We did our own in Phoenix and rented a dumpster to throw the old roofing in. It just took us a lot longer. But as Bob said, it should only take a day for them to strip the old roof, and then another day to install the new one.

I was surprised to learn that Bob’s house is a few years younger than ours. I thought it was older. He said that when they moved in here in 1988, most of the houses and streets in the park didn’t even exist. It was mostly fruit trees. I’d love to go back in time and have the park be like it was back then. I’m sure it was a lot more peaceful with less traffic, and people didn’t usually come and go 20 times a day like they do now, especially so late at night.

Okay, now I’ll finish up with my GYN appointment. I mostly wanted to talk about the perimenopause, yes, but I also wanted to know if there was a more permanent solution to my dermatitis problem down there (folliculitis) caused by too many years of shaving back when I was an exotic dancer. There are two options. One is some kind of laser procedure that would cost about a grand. No thanks. We’re already going to lose enough money on the new roof.

She could see the irritation when she examined me, and as I told her, I use the Triamcinolone for two weeks as directed, it helps, but then I’m burning and itching down there all over again a few weeks later. I still say – and I will always say – anything is better than anxiety, but I don’t want to deal with this shit for the rest of my life either.

So that leaves option two. She prescribed a steroid cream called Clobetasol. It may be a cream and not a pill, but I’m still not going to start it until Friday in case of an adverse reaction. This way Tom will be around for a couple days, even though it can take longer for side effects to get you. It can take a couple weeks for levothyroxine to get you if it’s going to. Sometimes longer. She said it shouldn’t race my heart, though, or be much different than the other cream, but I swear she also said something about using it for a couple weeks so as not to mess up the adrenal glands. I don’t remember her exact words, but anything to do with adrenal glands, or any gland for that matter, is a scary thought for me. Topical treatments still penetrates our skin and gets into our bloodstream. I don’t have to be a doctor to know this. Miss Medication Phobia isn’t nearly as scared as she would be if it were a pill as opposed to a cream, though. I would apply it twice a day for two weeks and then twice a day twice a week for two weeks. At least that’s what the instructions on the portal said.

On the way home from the appointment I noticed a building that said Indoor Skydiving. We’re thinking we might check it out sometime. Yeah, why not? We’re crazy enough to do something like that. :-)

GYN


Got a busy day today finishing up the cleaning, doing some online work, and exercising. I may skip the exercise because my hip still hurts. It’s the same pain that Tom had for a while right above the left hip that sort of heads toward the back. His got so bad it even woke him up. Mine doesn’t hurt when I’m sitting or lying down. It only hurts when I stand on my left leg. It’s hard to believe we’d both happen to be arthritic in that area, and since it doesn’t seem to be exactly in the joint, maybe it’s the sciatic nerve. I’m just not sure what makes mine flare-up. I’m guessing it’s the running. I still swear something doesn’t want me to enjoy running through the park. Tough shit, though, because I’m not going to stop. I am going to take a day off, though.

This is not a good park to live in if you’re a writer with all the landscaping and traffic noise, but it hasn’t been too bad yet today, so I guess I’ll get into my GYN appointment that I had yesterday. I have a lot to write, so hopefully I’ll remember everything. I took some notes last night.

The exam itself was quick and easy. In fact, it was probably the quickest, easiest female exam I ever had. Just mild discomfort for just a few seconds.

When the nurse took me into the exam room I thought she was going to tell me to get undressed, but she told me to remain dressed until I spoke to the doctor. My initial thought was that maybe I would pass on the exam since my main reason for seeing the doctor was to get more information on the perimenopause.

My blood pressure was a little high at 138/90 because I was a little nervous. My pulse was a little low for me, though, at 87. I’m usually in the 90s. My BMI is still five points too high, and I’m still 59” tall. Well, I’m sure my sneakers gave me a half-inch boost, LOL.

I started playing mah-jongg on my phone because I thought it would be a long wait, as is usually the case with specialists. I used to have to wait forever for my endo. But before I had matched more than a few pairs of tiles, in came the doctor. The first thing that struck me about her was how tall she was. She was easily 6 feet or taller. She was an average looking blue-eyed blonde (30s?) and surprisingly heavy for a doctor. I liked her. She was very knowledgeable, patient, understanding and took the time to explain things in a way I could comprehend. Like me, she spoke loud, so there were no issues straining to hear her like I would sometimes do with S. Her accent was wonderfully American too, LOL, so that was helpful as well. Most accents from Spanish-speaking countries I can understand, but the Indian accent is a killer.

We talked for quite a while and I gave her as much of my medical history and my family’s history that I knew of. Cervical cancer isn’t hereditary, but breast cancer is. I didn’t know this. My mother and paternal grandmother had breast cancer. Tammy had cervical cancer and a full hysterectomy despite the fact that I’m the one that’s more at risk for that and uterine cancer because I was DES exposed as a fetus, never had kids, and even my thyroid could be an issue, according to this doctor.

I told her of the various perimenopausal symptoms I’ve experienced on and off over the last three years, and then she explained something to me that makes total sense when you think about it. Periods tend to be heavy and erratic when they start and when they stop because the brain has to get used to sending the proper message to the body when it comes to starting and stopping periods. In other words, my brain doesn’t quite yet get the meaning of the words, “Stop telling my fucking ovaries to ovulate!”

As I told her, I can sometimes go months without symptoms. Right now you would never know I’ve had problems with hot flashes, anxiety, palpitations, etc.

Another thing that can create extra estrogen, as she told me, is being overweight. I’ve been 20-30 pounds overweight for nearly a decade and I still don’t feel any real motivation to lose the weight because I simply don’t like how diets make me feel. I don’t want to be hungry, tired and irritable, and I don’t care what others think. I would only gain the weight back and have already regained half of the weight I recently lost. I also still fear my thyroid meds becoming an issue again. I told her about that and she said that she’s not only struggled with her own weight all her life (she was probably 70-80 pounds overweight) but that she was well aware of the fact that levothyroxine can have some very scary consequences. I’ve always been sensitive to stimulants, probably because I have a high HR and I’m naturally energetic. So much so that fatigue is the only symptom I didn’t get much of before I began treatment.

I declined the mammogram and the colonoscopy for now, but because I’m older and because of the risks, she wants to have me prescreened for uterine cancer. The thought of it terrified me at first, and I told her that I had started fertility testing in 1999 and had that procedure done where they insert dye in your fallopian tubes, and how that hurt like hell before I realized I no longer wanted kids anyway. Nor did I feel I should have to “work” for something that’s supposed to come naturally. I felt I had struggled enough for things no one should need to struggle for as it was.

She thinks that if the DES didn’t prevent me from conceiving, my thyroid might have. Pretty sure I’ve had thyroid issues a lot longer than I realized. Only the gland was hyper when I was younger as opposed to hypo. We’ll never know for sure, not that it matters. I do have a horned uterus because of the DES and I guess my cervix is at a weird angle or something like that.

Anyway, she understood that the hysterosalpingogram would have been painful because of the way they have to expand the cervix, but I would be knocked out for this (endometrial biopsy?). While she still believes the heavy periods are caused by the perimenopause as I do, heavy periods are also a symptom of uterine cancer, and therefore my insurance will cover the procedure. I would be put to sleep, she would remove a piece of the uterus lining, and she would put a block on the uterus to help with the pain when I woke up. Then I would be given pain medication.

After I had a night to sleep on it, however, I’m thinking I’m probably going to pass on this one, too. Even though I would be knocked out, it just seems like an awful lot to put myself through when I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting cancer there despite being at risk. In my family, we’re more at risk of heart attacks and strokes than cancer. So… is it really worth it? The stress test was one thing since all I did was walk on a treadmill. But this is literally like surgery. So… is it really, really necessary?

Then she asked about religion, which I thought was weird at first. I told her I didn’t believe in religion and was leaning toward atheist, although I’m of Jewish descent. Well, apparently, if you’re Ashkenazi you have a higher risk of breast cancer. So much for thinking Jewish was just Jewish, LOL. All I knew was that I had one grandfather born in Austria and one in Russia, although Norma, who I questioned on Facebook when I got home, said she was pretty sure Nana Bella was also born in Russia.

I asked Norma if she knew anything about it and she said that Ashkenazi usually has darker eyes and skin, so she didn’t think so. Some of my grandparents and great aunts and uncle were Litvaks, she told me, pointing out my family’s fair skin and a tendency for blue eyes. Well, I’ve got green eyes instead of blue, but I am definitely fair skinned and very sun sensitive. In Arizona, I got sun poisoning instead of the tan I wanted. Here, I stand in the direct sunlight even when it’s barely 50° and I feel like I’m melting. So it’s more the sun I’m sensitive to as opposed to the heat, cuz I’m fine in the sun if I’m wet or swimming. I actually loved the dry heat of the desert. Then again, I was still young and thin at the time. I think a lot of us become more heat intolerance with age and when we put on our fat coat, not that I won’t always prefer warm climates to cold ones. Hell, we’re getting down to 35° tonight! :-(

Still nothing from Tammy, but she has checked in on Facebook and I think she's checked my blog, though I can always trust Google Analytics. At least she's alive. Alive but obviously very busy. That's okay... She can message me when she has more time.

Last night I dreamed that she, Lisa and my parents all went out to dinner, only Lisa was a kid again. I don't remember what we ate or talked about or anything like that. The dream only lasted a few seconds.

This entry has gotten insanely long, so I’m going to pick up with the rest of the appointment in another entry.