Thursday, March 30, 2017

With Age We See Things Differently

I’ve been dragging all day and I’m not sure why. I certainly couldn’t have used enough of the steroid gel to make me tired. Besides, I woke up tired before I used the stuff. I woke up a few hours into my sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep without lorazepam. But even though I didn’t awake well rested, I started to feel really drowsy like I might pass out. Then my face felt a bit flushed and my heart started to race. I lay down for about an hour but didn’t sleep. I never felt anxious, though, so I guess it’s just a “peri fit,” as I call it. After a while, I felt real cold. Initially, I felt almost like I wasn’t getting enough air, but the oxygen meter said I was.

At the end of the three months of treatment, I’ll contact the GYN to see if she wants to follow up with me on that, and maybe as a pre-op appointment for surgery. I still need to think about it.

I’m learning what they mean about appreciating things with age. Things we often found annoying when we were younger, like people gazing flirtatiously at me and checking me out. I got this all the time when I was younger but never expected people to notice me in my 50s. I know I’m no ugly duckling, but I’m not exactly Angela Jolie either. I don’t have long legs and full lips. I don’t have smooth, flawless skin. But I am petite, my chest is full and perky thanks to years of exercise, and my eyes and hair are pretty decent. My colorful fashions are eye catching as well, I suppose.

Anyway, it isn’t so much that people are coming up to me and hitting on me or anything like that. They simply notice me, and I notice them noticing. It definitely boosts the spirit, even if you’re not the least bit interested in those giving you the flirty eye.

I was sitting next to Tom at the GYN’s office when a man came in a door straight across from me. I’m guessing he was in his 40s. He must’ve worked in the building because he went through a door that was only authorized for staff. As soon as he entered the waiting room he smiled at me. Not a friendly, polite kind of smile, but one that clearly said, “Well, don’t you look pretty today?”

Then he crossed the room and disappeared through a door by my chair. A few minutes later he returned, and as he was pulling the outer door open, he glanced back at me and gave me another smile before leaving.

I will admit that my new dress definitely made me feel good and I know it looked good on me, too. The dress itself is really rather simple. It’s just a plain solid pale pink dress. It’s how it fits. The style and color is perfect for my muscular yet slightly curvy body shape. I’d wear it to S just to fuck with her if I was mean, LOL. I suppose that would almost be mean for real, too. She wanted me, but she couldn’t have me and we couldn’t even be just friends. I don’t believe she’d want me for a GF/wife if we were single, but if we were both available for just fun, I think that would be different.

Either way, the point is that I’m getting older yet people are still noticing me, and that’s kind of flattering. It’s like when you’re young you’re only flattered when someone you like checks you out. When you’re older and you know your looks aren’t going to last forever, any man or woman checking you out, even if it’s not in a sexual kind of way, is always nice.

The nurse said I looked really ready for spring, LOL, and she loved it. The gold jewelry I wore complimented the dress well. The GYN liked my floral shoes, and even my toes when she was getting ready to examine me. Oh yeah, I’m fancy from my head right down to my toes, haha. Shiny nail polish and fashionable toe rings.

I’m not sure what triggered them, though not every dream is “triggered” or has any real meaning behind them, but I had a couple dreams involving Andy. In one of them, Tom and I were staying in his place while he was vacationing somewhere.

In another dream he was homeless. He called me and told me his situation, and despite our past differences I didn’t have the heart to leave him on the streets. I told him to come to our place and he said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “Despite any mean things I may have said to you when I was pissed, I really do.”

I thought about it when I woke up, and yes, I will always cherish the fond memories I have of some of the fun/funny times we shared. And yes, a part of me will always love him and want nothing but the best for him, but I just can’t see us ever being friends again. We’re simply too different. We used to have a lot in common, but we matured and grew at different levels and in different ways as we aged. We are who we are and that’s that. But no, I wouldn’t leave them on the streets if he called and said he was in Sacramento and homeless.

I had some dream about losing weight, though I still don’t ever expect to lose a significant amount. Maybe when I’m old and dying.

GYN Appt.

Just thought I would do an entry before it’s too noisy to concentrate. Saw my GYN yesterday, and while I have no problem with her and believe that she’s a knowledgeable doctor, I’ve had enough miscommunication and disorganization with her staff, and I told her so online after I got home and spoke with one of her staff that was at lunch when I was at the office.

First, the folliculitis is improving, but she wants me to continue the steroid gel for three more months, applying it twice a week. She said worst-case scenario – and she didn’t mean to scare me – they could do a biopsy. I told her I already have one done a few years ago and it was determined that I didn’t have cancer.

I showed her the product I got for off-days to verify that it was what she wanted me to get, and it was. I also asked her if she thought my periods would stop this year since, as she said, they usually stop at 51. She said she couldn’t say for sure. I asked if it were possible if I could still have periods up to 55 and she said she would be concerned if I did. I told her I’m not of Ashkenazi descent, but like she said, my risk of uterine cancer is still higher because of the DES exposure, which I’m almost sorry I mentioned, LOL. However, she said I have an even higher risk of breast cancer. I got all get cancer anytime soon, though, if ever. Just my gut feeling. She understands that we usually know what’s normal for us and what’s not since we’ve lived in our bodies all our lives.

I know. This is why, as I tried to tell my old team of doctors, the type of anxiety I was experiencing back then was not normal for me. Nonetheless, that womanly intuition of mine says everything down there is just fine. I was, however, willing to compromise and go ahead and have the damn surgery in July, even though she assured me she didn’t want me to feel pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do. I picked July because I had too many appointments between May 4 and June 12. She said something about dilating the cervix and filling the uterus with fluid and that I may have bleeding for a week, and that I would be given prescription Motrin and even Norco as a backup to deal with any pain. A block would be put on the uterus when the procedure was done, too.

Now here’s where all the confusion begins. I told her my biggest problem was all the damn appointments and co-pays. I’ve had more appointments in the last three years than in half my life. I really want for these appointments to slow down. They’re a pain in the ass for me, and while Tom can keep himself entertained on his phone while I’m in with the doctors he drives me to, I’d really like to see him be able to take days off just for him. I didn’t get into that much detail with her, but I got my point across. Enough is enough already! My thyroid is treated, I’m working on my cholesterol, and I do appreciate her giving me the steroid gel because I knew all that burning and itching wasn’t normal. I knew there had to be something better out there than the other stuff that only provided temporary relief. But seriously, I’ve had enough!

So I specifically asked her how many appointments the surgery would spawn. She told me that as long as there were no obvious concerns, we could do a phone follow-up. She said she’s never had to admit anyone to the hospital after this type of surgery, so that much was good to hear. Never once did she mention a pre-op appointment.

We finished up and went out to the front desk where she told me she would have one of her staff schedule the surgery, but the person was at lunch. So after we grabbed burgers and fries and decided not to browse Goodwill since it was surprisingly crowded despite being in the middle of a workday, I managed to catch her staff by phone. This is when the woman sprung both a pre-op and a post-op appointments on me, thus one appointment multiplying into three, just as they usually do and just as I feared.

I told her (and the doctor online) that the staff told me one thing after the doctor had told me another and therefore I was declining surgery. This isn’t the first time there’s been miscommunication and disorganization within the staff, and I just don’t think it’s necessary anyway.

The doctor told me she hadn’t had a chance to update the staff member when she called me, and that there are always pre-op appointments to give the patient a chance to ask any questions they may have and to sign a consent form. I was under the understanding that this would be done at the outpatient clinic. According to what Tom heard, though, California doesn’t allow this because then the patient doesn’t have time to think it through. Technically, any kind of surgery can kill you. Not everyone wakes up afterward, so there’d always be the chance of being put under and not coming back.

I have more to update on, but I’m kinda tired now, so I’ll do it later.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Technology & Renovations

“Judgmental people are just as quick to lose me as a friend as liars are,” said a cyber friend of mine. I couldn’t agree with this more! I can’t stand people who feel they have to push things on others that they’re not interested in or that condemn them for their way of living as if only their way is the correct way.

I managed to sleep well without taking anything before bed. I don’t know why I sometimes sleep okay and other times I can’t sleep to save my life, just like I don’t know why the anxiety picks up at times. I only know it has to do with the perimenopause. Right now I guess my hormones are in a good place.

We were talking about technology, renovations and stuff like that. We would love to eventually have a smart home, including motion-sensor sinks, but because technology seems to advance faster and faster with time, things change so fast that some things aren’t worth it. You get a new phone, for example, and in just a few years it’s practically obsolete. It’s hard to know what’s going to be around in the future and what’s not. It just seems that when something new comes along, five minutes later you have the next latest and greatest thing to replace it.

If we were to stay here for life, which is highly unlikely, that would change my priorities. The roof needs to be done this year no matter what. But if we were staying I would go for window replacements next, then shower stalls. I think I would make a shower stall inside the large sunken tub because the shower in there is so small even for me. I would take that little phone booth of a shower and turn it into cabinets instead. I definitely prefer traditional shower/tub combos.

Then I would tackle the walls, rip out the carpet except for in the bedrooms, and have the rest of the house be done in laminate flooring.

What we’re hoping is that when we do move the place will at least have been built in this millennium. That way we won’t have to worry about the roof or windows and can concentrate on just walls and floors. Probably wouldn’t have to worry about appliances either. The stove here definitely needs to go, but I don’t know if we’ll replace it while we’re here.

There’s still the Cyprus massacre along the carport that I don’t know if we’re ever going to get to, but next weekend we’re definitely going to give a serious trim to the ones in back (if they die, fine), and we’re going to blast the exterior of the house with the pressure water hose. It goes up to 1500 pounds of pressure. That might blast the roof of the carport and patio right off, LOL.

Anyway, it was a fun weekend. Real early yesterday morning we opened the new alarm clock thinking there was a blue LED light and it. There wasn’t, though. It was a white light with a strip of blue cellophane over it. So we ordered free same-day delivery for a package of multi-colored sheets of cellophane. I want to eventually get it to be dark purple where it’s illuminated enough to read the numbers in the dark, but not so bright that it acts like a nightlight. I like a pitch-black bedroom.

I also grabbed an assortment of incense cones and they suck. They’re a reminder of why I prefer sticks to cones. If you can get them to stay lit in the first place, they give off way too much smoke because they’re wider than the head of an incense and stick. Sure smells good, though. I got musk, patchouli, rose, lavender, jasmine, money drawing, sandalwood, green apple, cinnamon, strawberry, nag champa and om, whatever that last one may be.

I decided to replace my ancient crimping iron with a new one. It’s so much smaller and lightweight. Definitely prefer hot pink to brown, too. This one has a plate with deep grooves for that bedhead look, a micro crimp plate, and a straightening plate. I won’t use the straightener because I have my light pink straightening brush. I have a red flat iron I got a year or two ago and I haven’t used it since I got the straightening brush.

I haven’t used the crimping iron yet because I’m waiting for my hair to dry.

We’re now working on slowly printing out cubes to make compartments in my bra and socks drawer now that the panty drawer is done. We’re doing the same 3 x 3 cubicles. Only this time he designed it with a diamond cutout so it takes up less filament and prints quicker.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Weekend So Far

One of the rats dragged out a plastic ball with a little bell in it that the cat kicked under the stove when she was here. So now it’s their toy. What is it with these rats, anyway? How come they can keep themselves clean but they can’t keep their place clean? Instead, they have to pee everywhere… in their tubes, on their shelves, in their hammock. That damn bedding is in the trays for a reason.

Yesterday was a fun day, although I had quite a bit of lung tightness. Hopefully, it’s just because of the rain, and it is spring now, after all.

So we got something like $140 goodies at Walmart yesterday, and it was all free. He had a $100 GC from work, plus $70 in Walmart savings accumulated that you can only use at the store.

I got a couple of dresses and one of them looks unbelievably awesome on me! I never would’ve thought a $10 Walmart dress could do that, but trust me, I’m my own worst critic. So if I say something looks good on me, it damn well does. It’s a simple short sleeve light pink dress XL Juniors, with the perfect style and cut for my body shape. It accentuates my assets while hiding my problems spots. Definitely something I’d go see S in, LOL, if I were still seeing her.

Unfortunately, the red one I got, which is a little different, is a little snug yet I already removed the tag. I didn’t realize the dresses were Juniors and I automatically assumed that it would either fit fine or be a little loose. I usually wear M or L, though.

We got a new outlet/plug that allows you to plug USB plugs into it. It also has a sidebar that pivots for extra wide plugs.

I got a necklace, some scented wax cubes, a howling wolf cone incense burner that makes a nice decoration even without the incense, and an alarm clock that’s way too bright. It said it had a loud alarm so I figured I would try it, but it’s blindingly bright. How do they expect people to sleep with something so bright? We’re going to open it up and install a dimmer.

He got himself some of the things he likes as well.

The massager is way too loud. You also can’t feel it very well through the mattress in the master bedroom either. We put it under the 3-inch foam topper on the other bed, which made a huge difference. Tom thinks it’s the best 50 bucks we spent in a while.

I slept well yesterday, so that’s twice in a row. But sadly, I can’t seem to do it without taking something. I don’t want to always take lorazepam before bed so my body doesn’t get too used to it, and I can’t take the Tylenol p.m. every day because it leaves me drowsy the next day.

After a few days of the Vaseline-like treatment the doctor recommended, I did a steroid treatment earlier using a super, super thin layer. Really hope I don’t end up feeling like someone’s holding a lit match to me in a day or two, but I’ll be seeing her Wednesday either way.

I went for a walk after 1 AM and it was so peaceful. The air was cold but calm. In the daytime, you can see better, but then you have dogs being walked that usually bark at you as you pass by, loud landscaping, and traffic to watch out for.

Last night I had a fun dream for once. I don’t know why but I dreamed that I was renting clothes once a week. They would surprise me with something based on my style and color choices. I seemed to really enjoy it, even if they sent me a sweater that was badly pilled and had some loose threads.

The next dream wasn’t so fun. I was with Tom and some woman when I spotted a spider on the ceiling. The woman took a flyswatter to it, but then the spider on the ceiling became the shape of an animal behind some lighted opaque ceiling panels. What started off as a deer turned into a bear and who knows what else.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

The End is Coming, Right?

I slept surprisingly well and I’m feeling good both physically and mentally. So since I can’t bitch about lost sleep today, how about the never-ending slew of appointments? Because of the burning sensation I was having (it stopped at the end of the second day) my GYN messaged me to recommend I get Aquaphor barrier paste, which is found in the infant section. It’s an ointment similar to Vaseline. That’s what it looks and feels like anyway. It’s commonly used for diaper rash. She wants me to use this to help heal the skin in between steroid gel applications. Not only that, she wants to see me next week, so I’m going in on Wednesday.

Appointments, appointments, appointments! The end is coming, though, right? Someday the appointment craze really will come to a stop, won’t it? I’m realizing more and more I’m the one that’s going to have to make them not necessarily stop but slow down to a more reasonable amount for one my age. I’m not an old lady. Two PCP check-ups, two dental checkups, two ENT checkups, and two eye exams a year is reasonable. The 50 million appointments in between have got to go. I’m just tired of them and the money they cost.

The question is where to make the break. I tell myself I’ll put my foot down between issues and say no to additional appointments and procedures they want me to have, but I never seem to be between issues. It’s either one after another or one that leads to another. I was supposed to simply get a female exam and ask her some questions. I definitely appreciate the help with the folliculitis, though, but even that turned into another appointment, and then the surgery she wants to do that I wasn’t expecting spawns yet another appointment, which will spawn yet another follow-up. Appointments really are like cockroaches; they multiply like crazy.

The only time I was a little bummed not to be returning to the dentist for half a year was last time because I really like Kathleen, haha.

Tom will be getting one of the smallest paychecks in quite a while. He may be getting more hourly but with the OT cut, it’s like he’s actually making less money. I’m sure the OT will be back soon enough, though.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Shake It Up!

First, thanks to those who have provided feedback on Locked-In on a couple sites. I didn’t think it would be this enjoyable despite Melissa’s threats to Katie’s family ringing a bit false, as one paid writer/editor pointed out.

Decided not to bother sleeping with just the air cleaner since that would really be asking to be woken up a lot more than I already am. Why make the problem worse? I think trying to adapt to sleeping through noise without much of a sound machine of sorts in the background would be like me trying to get tall. I am who I am, like it or not.

Sure enough, I was woken up a few times by loud traffic and even more from the perimenopause. I wasn’t having hot flashes or a racing heart. Perimenopause sometimes makes you wake up just because. I was able to get back to sleep relatively quickly and I ended up feeling rested enough.

I’m at the point now where I’m damn near ready to put the house on the market. When we first came here they had just started allowing the motorcycles in and so there weren’t that many back then. I also didn’t expect there to ever be that many because when you think of motorcycles you just don’t think of old people. I had no idea so many old people would ride them, come and go a million times a day, and have people coming and going to them a million times a day. I thought traffic here would be slow, quiet and sparse.

There’s one more thing we’re going to try. If it doesn’t work then yeah, we’re going to have to get a house on a quieter, less traveled street. There’s A, no cure for CRD, B, seemingly no cure for light sleepers either, and C, way too many motorcycles in this mistake of a state. I would really rather not have to have the hassle of moving, though, as noisy as it is here. I would still prefer to stay here for the 6-10 more years he’ll be working and then just leave the state altogether.

Poor Tammy, though, LOL. Would I really be that much fun if we were neighbors when half the time we’ll be on opposite schedules? Then again, we wouldn’t expect to see each other every day and I’m sure she’d understand, especially being a person with medical training, but no matter who your neighbor is, it’s a very debilitating thing to live with in general. Anything is better than anxiety. Anything. Literally. No joke. I’d rather be sleep deprived every single day than anxious once in a while. But the schedule(less) part of it makes life rough. You can’t work a regularly scheduled job, it’s often a fight to get on a schedule for appointments, and just an overall pain in the ass. The only good in it is the peacefulness of the night time when I’m up during those hours. All I hear right now is the semi-faint hiss of freeway traffic.

In my last entry, I mentioned the old kick-ass air cleaner that sat on my headboard shelf up in Oregon. It was not only kinda loud, but it vibrated the frame of the bed, which helped mask the car stereos. Yeah, here it’s mostly motorcycles. There it was mostly car stereos. I doubt many people have motorcycles there. That was a climate that almost made New England seem toasty in comparison. For some reason, the elevation aggravated my ear, which I now know is jaw joint arthritis, and Tom had trouble breathing at first because the air is thinner that high up at over 5000 feet.

So vibration… the missing element to my multi-sound machine setup. And what did we do? Well, after researching better earplugs (there aren’t any), we decided why not “shake” things up a bit? For 50 bucks you can get this thing you put under your mattress that makes the bed vibrate, LOL. Tom thinks it would be really cool to have regardless. So did we order it? Well, of course! A couple of technology junkies with money; a vibrating bed is a must, haha. I don’t know if it will run indefinitely, but we’ll hardwire it if it doesn’t. That is, assuming it helps. Even if there were no motorcycles, all it takes is one thunderously loud car like that fucking Firebird that just has to come and go no less than 2-3 times a day. I was sitting at my desk when it left on its last run of the day and I could feel the vibration under my feet, and this is with them resting on a Wii board since my legs are too short to rest comfortably on the floor, even with the chair as low as it will go. Then I was lying in bed after a long workout resting up and I could feel the bed vibrate when it roared by the bedroom. I miss being on concrete foundations!

After 6 PM, I walked the entire perimeter, which is approximately 2 miles and it took me 36 minutes running about a third of the way. There was a light drizzle when I first went out that stopped after a few minutes. Directly overhead were rain clouds, but off to the south, the sky was clear and blue. About 20-25 minutes in and the rain pummeled down on me, but I didn’t mind. It wasn’t any colder than the air. By the time I got back, I was half drenched and my hands were cold, but it was still fun. I’m just glad I didn’t straighten my hair, LOL.

There’s this house that has this cute little miniature wooden bench hanging from a pole, and every time I pass it I’m tempted to pull an old Barbie doll out of my retired collection and sit her on it when I’m out late some night as the weather warms up. Give them a real WTF? moment. LOL, I may retire my doll collection but my mischievous side will never retire. *Grins wickedly*

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


Although Sense said my sleep score was only 76, I actually slept well and feel better rested than I did yesterday. The problem is that it thinks I always sleep at night. Also, if I relax in bed for a half-hour listening to audiobooks, that confuses it as well. We’re definitely going to return it as soon as we get a box to ship it back in, and let them know it doesn’t work for people with sleep disorders.

I realized what element is missing from my sound machine that I had in Oregon that allowed me to sleep with all those damn car stereos they had up there which seemed more in abundance than the motorcycles we have here. The road is closer to the bedroom here, but as most people know, car stereos are ferociously loud and just as obnoxious as motorcycles, if not more. Yet I managed to sleep through them on account of what I’m pretty sure was the air cleaner we had on the headboard shelf. This was an air cleaner we got the late 90s and it was loud and sort of vibrated anything it sat on. Well, I think that slight vibration is what helped drown out the vibration of the base thumping down the street. But they don’t make them so loud and vibrant these days. They want everything indoors to run quieter so we can hear the world outside which only gets louder.

What's the point of requesting a new appointment online if they're just going to call and ask you to call them to schedule one? Most of us prefer the convenience of the digital world, not old school phone calls. I thought they would reply to my message request for an appointment with a date or a handful of available dates to choose from. But if I’d know they were just going to ask me to call to schedule I would have done that from the get-go.

Also, what’s the point of telling someone to call you when you don’t answer the phone? I tried to get through twice but they kept me on hold forever and I finally gave up. I’ve never had that problem with these people before. Last night I noticed I started burning down there after a scheduled steroid treatment and today the burning is worse. So if I can ever get through to them, I’ll ask what to do about it, but I’m sure that whoever I talk to will tell me they’ll ask the doctor about it and then I’ll never hear about it unless I contact the doctor online.

I’m just tired of having one problem after another! How am I ever going to slow down these appointments when all I do is have problems? Seriously, is there a drug in the world I can take without issues stemming from it? This is a topical medication. I probably really did use too much, though, those times I felt fatigued and thirsty afterward. You really do have to use an ultra thin layer of the stuff. From what I read, it can occasionally go through the skin and into the bloodstream, which is probably what happened.

On the positive side, I enjoyed my walk. I went out when the sun was down real low but not blinding. Hope I get to do it again soon. Rarely do the weather and temperatures line up with my schedule and energy levels. I’d be able to mix in more running more often if I could just be more regular about it. I’m in good shape, yes, but I could be in even better shape if I could get out there more. At least I only have one section left to clean in here because I doubt I’ll sleep well tomorrow. Then again I might because there shouldn’t be motorcycles due to the rain. But if I’m tired, or worse… anxious, at least there won’t be much more to do.

I had a dream I was walking through a grocery store alone. I passed by a little girl with her parents and out to a parked bus with several older women waiting around it. Half of them wore these white robes. My dream self suspected that it was for some kind of religious ceremony and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get on the bus or not because I couldn’t get anyone to tell me where it was heading.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Sleep Score = 75 :-(

Once again I slept horribly, and my sleep score was 75. It turns out that the air quality was never bad, though, so I don’t know why we thought it was saying that at first. I just know that Sense is a hell of a lot deafer than Alexa. Alexa almost always responds when I summon her, but not this thing. Definitely going to return it for that and a few other reasons.

I am really, REALLY getting sick of not sleeping half the time. I’d not only feel better, but I’d work out more than I do if I wasn’t so damn tired so much of the time. First I had a bad dream involving K and was hot flashing, and then loud traffic woke me up several times.

I will never EVER again live so close to a street again, let alone such a busy one. Phoenix was much noisier overall, but I actually slept better there than I do here and that was with just a box fan. And it wasn’t close to me either. It was on the other side of the room, which was pretty big. Here I sleep with two different sound machines, an earplug in my good ear, plus the air cleaner and I STILL get woken up. It’s fucking ridiculous. But Phoenix wasn’t practically on top of the street, and that house was on a slab foundation, not that I miss the place. I even asked Tom the other day… if we’d liked the house and we’d had decent neighbors, do you think we’d still be there? He thinks we would have gotten antsy because of the adventurers we are. No doubt! Nothing wrong with staying put if that’s your thing, but after a decade or so, we’re gone. The problem is we’re pretty much grounded here until he retires and that’s in about 6-10 years, depending on money, the economy, our health, etc.

Excluding hotels, I’ve gotten the shittiest sleep in this place of all the places he and I have ever lived together, and that’s been three houses, one trailer and one duplex, all in three different states.

Again, it’s just fucking ridiculous. I know part of my problem is the perimenopause as well as my tendency for nightmares and the CRD, and not just so many loud vehicles zooming so close to the bedroom.

I’ve had sleep issues all my life. If God were real I could hate Him just for letting me sleep so shitty for so long, but being a super light sleeper actually started when I quit the psych meds I used to take daily in my teens and 20s. Before the psych meds, I had trouble falling asleep and I would be exhausted when my alarm went off for school, but I still slept when I slept. I didn’t even wake up to loud sounds let alone someone sneezing in the next state. Something changed upon quitting the meds in 1990. I quit because I was addicted to them, I knew I didn’t need them anymore, and I knew they were actually doing me more harm than good. Little did I know just how much harm! So thank you, Dureen, for handing what was actually a very normal and typical adolescent over to the “experts” so they could make everything just wonderful.

I can’t undo the past ignorance that has helped put me where I am today, but I can try to figure out how to get back to where I was before the psych meds entered the picture and screwed everything up. Maybe I’m approaching it all wrong. Maybe adding various sound machines to try to drown out the noise isn’t the right thing to do. Maybe the only way to get myself to adapt to sleeping in noisy environments is to turn it all off altogether. Well, everything but the air cleaner which is pretty defenseless against the loud and even the medium sounds anyway. I was talking about it with Tom, and he said the only way I’m going to know is to actually try it cuz everyone’s different.

Makes sense to me. The only thing I know we can’t adapt to is less sleep. I’d love to be able to “train” my body to sleep just a few hours, but that’s not going to happen. But can I go back to that place I was at before the psych meds? Well, believe it or not, I’m appointment-free until May 4, so I guess we’ll find out. Tom said he’s always heard that if the body’s that tired it will sleep. I just know that waking up because you have a nightmare or perimenopause is one thing, but the slightest change in sound waking you up is another. Nobody should be this slight of a sleeper. Nobody. If this experiment is a bust, then I guess I’ll keep doing what I have been doing which is basically the only thing I can do… get what sleep I can get whenever I can get it. As for exercising… fuck it. Why bother with something I’m too tired to stick to so much of the time?

My dreams were numerous, as is common when I don’t sleep well. I decided to throw K in April’s CampNano story (but not kill her), assuming I have enough energy to hit their minimum word count requirement of 30K. Because she’s been on my mind, she’ll be a “dream person” for a while. You know I always base at least one character on someone I know or know of.

K wasn’t very nice to me for her first guest appearance in my dreams. I went to the office and she made me use this horrible tasting mouthwash. Because I couldn’t speak, I began to sign to her. She slowly smiled one of those smiles that’s almost a smirk, as if she found my signing to her funny or cute. Then she told me to spit the mouthwash out. So I spit it out and told her that it tasted like “burnt pineapples about to explode.” LOL

Then Tom and I lived in a multi-story house. I was sitting on the hardwood floor on the upper level. In one corner there were these grooves in the floor where I could see down to the floor below. I told Tom not to step there in case the corner broke and he fell through.

In the last dream, I was able to remember, I was either leaving a voice message or writing a message letting my parents know that I had set up some kind of account for them and would soon pass along password and other information to them.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Better Sleep Score

I slept much better last night and it reflects in my sleep score, which jumped from 76 to 80. I’m back up to full energy and keeping busy.

We went to Walgreen’s to grab some things that Walmart didn’t have, and I grabbed a cute $10 dress along the way. It’s summery with short sleeves and the perfect fit. I tried it on in the store by slipping it over my rather form-fitting running shirt.

It’s a beautiful day today, although a bit hazy which makes it a touch humid. We took the bikes out for the first time this year and rode down to the lake. It was great. I always love bike riding. I might go out walking later on after dark.

That’s it for now. Not much else to say other than that we changed the rats’ cage as we do on weekends. He did some weeding and programming. I’m going to dedicate the rest of the day and night to writing, audiobooks, and Netflix.

Auf wiedersehen!

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Not Worth It

Decided that I want to return Sense. It’s overpriced and not worth it. The sounds it plays are nice, but they don't drown out unwanted sounds.

I slept shitty as hell. It took me forever to fall back asleep after I was woken up the first time. Even with just one Tylenol p.m. to help me fall back asleep, I awoke groggily and feeling as if I’d only slept a couple hours.

My sleep score was 76, which isn’t very good. The app showed random noise spikes throughout the night and morning, but that could’ve been from me tossing and turning or a plane flying overhead.

It considered almost everything else just right… the barometric pressure, the lighting which is almost pitch-dark due to my blackout blinds, and the humidity. It thought it was too warm, though, and that the air quality was bad. Too much incense? The rats? Time to air it out, I guess.

I was dragging all day, but sure enough, as soon as the sun set I perked up. I swear I would be nocturnal if I could keep a schedule.

We’ll keep Sense for the rest of the month. Their Cosmos and Morpheus sounds are relaxing when I’m just kicking back. It’s nice to try, though, being the technology fanatics we are. Kick-ass Macs, 3-D printers, laser printers, Alexa, Dot… you name it, we have it. We don’t have an iPhone, though. We just have cheap androids because we don’t use the phones enough for them to be worth getting anything better.

The cosmetic organizer I got is awesome and fits perfectly in the bathroom drawer I put it in. Now I don’t have to dig through piles of shit to find whatever.

Our new electric pressure washer arrived today, and we can thank Trisha for that. It’s easy for me to say “ew” to some of the dark colors people paint their houses until I see how much dirt shows up beautifully on our white house. Everything needs to be cleaned… the exterior of the house, the carport, and the patio. We’ve been thinking about the best way to go about this, but realized it might be tough with a regular hose, and take a ton of water, too.

But then one afternoon we saw Trisha using a high-powered water hose to clean her walkway and decided that would be a great way to blast the dirt off our place. It actually uses less water as well, but it would be best to do it when it’s warmer because of the mist it kicks up.

Because I was so tired today I wasn’t able to work out. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t bother, since so much of the time I’m either tired or it’s too warm or too cold, and using the skier is boring. But I know that if I stop I’ll gain weight and whatever I gain will never come back off. Once I started working out again I would stop gaining, but I would be stuck for life with whatever I gained in the meantime. I wouldn’t lose much strength, since I’m naturally muscular, but I would lose my stamina and fall out of shape. I’d hate to get all out of breath doing something physical, and I know my cholesterol and estrogen would go up right along with my risk for diabetes. So I guess I just work out whenever I can.

Heard back from my GYN. She still thinks I should get the hysteroscopy to evaluate my irregular periods. Hmm… I thought we determined it was from perimenopause and that the reason for the procedure was to check for precancerous cells. She also suggested I keep using the steroid cream twice a week until I follow up with her, which she would like to do in May, and at that time she’ll decide whether or not I should keep using the cream.

I checked and found that there are actually several things that can cause irregular periods, including hypothyroidism, but I’m still not sure it’s worth putting myself through when chances are almost next to nil that I have anything wrong. That’s my gut feeling, anyway. Either way, I’m still trying to cut down my appointments, and having the surgery definitely wouldn’t be cutting them down. She would probably want me to do a follow-up for that too, adding yet another appointment.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were walking alongside a lake somewhere, though it wasn’t here. It seemed to be in a public park somewhere. I was listening to music with earbuds and after a while, I realized he was no longer next to me. I stopped and looked behind me and found him several yards away. But as he caught up to me, he turned into a young girl, LOL, who stopped to talk to another young girl.

I turned and continued walking and that’s when I noticed that the lake was frozen and that there were baby ducks frozen into the surface of the lake as well. My dream self thought that because there were only baby ducks, their mothers must have neglected them.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Crazy Dreams

The weirdest dream I had last night took place in a large crowded mall. I overheard a woman ask another woman (a security guard?) in surprise, “People live here at night?”

The woman nodded, and I sensed I was one of them.

Then I was outside. It was pitch dark and I was crawling alongside what I knew was a chain-link fence even though I couldn’t see a damn thing. I knew that right beyond the fence was a pool, and beyond that was the ocean. I couldn’t see anything at all and so I turned around and began to crawl back. This time I crawled along a street that was alive with the headlights of cars, hoping no one would notice me.

The scariest one took place in a small square house that was amazingly detailed. When I first woke up from this very vivid dream, I remembered how S said that some people think “something’s going on” in their dreams. Like maybe they were dreams from past lives. I not only don’t believe in past lives, though, but if we dream about places that are new, then we couldn’t have been there in a past life. So that’s why I wouldn’t think they were memories of past lives even if I believed in reincarnation. But the dream made me wonder how my brain could conjure up such detail while asleep.

The house seemed somewhat old and definitely cramped and cluttered. Warm, cozy and lived in would be how most people would describe it. I’m not sure how many bedrooms the house had, but I knew that Nane was asleep in one of them. It seemed to be nighttime. I sat in the living room with two guys in their 20s or 30s. The square smallish room had hardwood floors, a large rug, and shelves filled with books on a couple of walls. One sat in a chair across from me while I sat on a couch next to the other guy who had thick wavy dark hair. The front door was to my right. The doorway to the rest of the house was in front of me, between the guy in the chair and the bookcase. A TV sat sort of between the bookcase and the end of the couch next to the guy.

I began to accuse the guy sitting next to me of raping me. I soon became nervous and walked out of the living room and into the small kitchen that had a sink and refrigerator to my left on the exterior wall, and a stove to my right. The guy followed me, adamantly denying raping me. My nerves began to turn to fear as I “looped” around back toward the living room by walking through the kitchen, a small hallway, and into what might have been a dining room sandwiched between the bedroom(s) and living room. I woke up trying to decide if I should wake up Nane or run back into the living room where the other guy was.