Thursday, March 30, 2017

With Age We See Things Differently


I’ve been dragging all day and I’m not sure why. I certainly couldn’t have used enough of the steroid gel to make me tired. Besides, I woke up tired before I used the stuff. I woke up a few hours into my sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep without lorazepam. But even though I didn’t awake well rested, I started to feel really drowsy like I might pass out. Then my face felt a bit flushed and my heart started to race. I lay down for about an hour but didn’t sleep. I never felt anxious, though, so I guess it’s just a “peri fit,” as I call it. After a while I felt real cold. Initially I felt almost like I wasn’t getting enough air, but the oxygen meter said I was.

At the end of the three months of treatment I’ll contact the GYN to see if she wants to follow up with me on that, and maybe as a pre-op appointment for surgery. I still need to think about it.

I’m learning what they mean about appreciating things with age. Things we often found annoying when we were younger, like people gazing flirtatiously at me and checking me out. I got this all the time when I was younger but never expected people to notice me in my 50s. I know I’m no ugly duckling, but I’m not exactly Angela Jolie either. I don’t have long legs and full lips. I don’t have smooth, flawless skin. But I am petite, my chest is full and perky thanks to years of exercise, and my eyes and hair are pretty decent. My colorful fashions are eye catching as well, I suppose.

Anyway, it isn’t so much that people are coming up to me and hitting on me or anything like that. They simply notice me, and I notice them noticing. It definitely boosts the spirit, even if you’re not the least bit interested in those giving you the flirty eye.

I was sitting next to Tom at the GYN’s office when a man came in a door straight across from me. I’m guessing he was in his 40s. He must’ve worked in the building because he went through a door that was only authorized for staff. As soon as he entered the waiting room he smiled at me. Not a friendly, polite kind of smile, but one that clearly said, “Well, don’t you look pretty today?”

Then he crossed the room and disappeared through a door by my chair. A few minutes later he returned, and as he was pulling the outer door open, he glanced back at me and gave me another smile before leaving.

I will admit that my new dress definitely made me feel good and I know it looked good on me, too. The dress itself is really rather simple. It’s just a plain solid pale pink dress. It’s how it fits. The style and color is perfect for my muscular yet slightly curvy body shape. I’d wear it to S just to fuck with her if I was mean, LOL. I suppose that would almost be mean for real, too. She wanted me, but she couldn’t have me and we couldn’t even be just friends. I don’t believe she’d want me for a GF/wife if we were single, but if we were both available for just fun, I think that would be different.

Either way, the point is that I’m getting older yet people are still noticing me, and that’s kind of flattering. It’s like when you’re young you’re only flattered when someone you like checks you out. When you’re older and you know your looks aren’t going to last forever, any man or woman checking you out, even if it’s not in a sexual kind of way, is always nice.

The nurse said I looked really ready for spring, LOL, and she loved it. The gold jewelry I wore complemented the dress well. The GYN liked my floral shoes, and even my toes when she was getting ready to examine me. Oh yeah, I’m fancy from my head right down to my toes, haha. Shiny nail polish and fashionable toe rings.

I’m not sure what triggered them, though not every dream is “triggered” or has any real meaning behind them, but I had a couple dreams involving Andy. In one of them Tom and I were staying in his place while he was vacationing somewhere.

In another dream he was homeless. He called me and told me his situation, and despite our past differences I didn’t have the heart to leave him on the streets. I told him to come to our place and he said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “Despite any mean things I may have said to you when I was pissed, I really do.”

I thought about it when I woke up, and yes, I will always cherish the fond memories I have of some of the fun/funny times we shared. And yes, a part of me will always love him and want nothing but the best for him, but I just can’t see us ever being friends again. We’re simply too different. We used to have a lot in common, but we matured and grew at different levels and in different ways as we aged. We are who we are and that’s that. But no, I wouldn’t leave them on the streets if he called and said he was in Sacramento and homeless.

I had some dream about losing weight, though I still don’t ever expect to lose a significant amount. Maybe when I’m old and dying.

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