Tuesday, April 25, 2017

People I'd Rather Not Remember or Discuss

Believe it or not, I feel like I have another cold. Either that or I relapsed back into my old one. I’m run down, my throat is scratchy, and I’m a little congested.

Even though I’ve been wonderfully anxiety-free, the one thing I'm not looking forward to when I see the new shrink is having to start all over again discussing my childhood and parents. It isn't that I'm unable to do so. Hell, I've written a bio about it and I've discussed it so many times to the point where it doesn't invoke the emotions it would 25 years ago and I've desensitized myself to it in a sense, but it's just so in the past, you know? Like watching the same movie over and over and over again. It isn’t that I can’t bear to remember or talk about them; it’s that I just don’t want to. What happened has happened and I accept that and that it can't be changed or undone in any way. That doesn't mean it was okay or that what I went through was good in any way, it's just that I don't care to discuss anyone I was wronged or abused by in any way, dead or alive. I prefer to move on and focus on those who are a positive or at least a neutral influence on my life, and this doesn’t only extend to my parents.

Memories of my parents will pop into mind at random, unbidden. They will also come to me in my dreams and there's nothing I can do about that, but I don't want to focus on them or anyone else who was abusive or negative because I'm to the point where it would actually be more counterproductive than therapeutic if I continued to discuss and dwell on certain people. I'm not the person I was when I last saw my folks in the 90s, and well, the past is the past. Today I’m surrounded by loving, accepting, positive people and that’s what I choose to focus on. I don’t want to remember how dad said this or how mom did that. It’s history.

I dreamed I met Trump somewhere and he invited me to the “Harrisburg House” for Thanksgiving dinner. I told him I didn’t drive and was hoping he would offer to have me picked up, not because I supported him but because I was simply curious, but he didn’t. He didn’t seem to get the driving phobia thing and was bordering on his typical judgmental self.

Then I met with him and his wife at some restaurant. When his wife went to use the bathroom he “kindly” suggested I didn’t have to do the scheduled phone reports he wanted me to do, obviously not liking me for the job. Glad he brought it up, but figuring that if he didn’t get the driving phobia then he certainly wouldn’t get a sleep disorder, I decided to use something more tangible as an excuse to get out of something I didn’t want to do to begin with. So I showed him my bad ear and said I couldn’t hear well enough for phone conversations anyway.

Not at all surprisingly, he made a grossed out sound at the sight of it. He was so disgusted that he was about to cancel dinner and have us all go home, but I talked him into staying because I was hungry and he was paying for it, LOL.

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