Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Pages vs. Groups

Decided to temporarily stop posting to my Facebook group because I’ve discovered that pages are so much more fun. The biggest thing is that it lets me schedule future posts. The more I schedule, the more it’s like having a self-publishing page that publishes itself with little work on my part. It’s so cool. And addicting. I can now totally see how Andy got so hooked on doing this sort of thing. Every three hours pictures will post in groups of four. Each cluster will have a theme… beaches, rats, kids, dogs, trees, wildlife, etc. The link to it is

Lost the water I was retaining after my stupid body made its third attempt to generate a period and failed. I’m glad it failed; I just wish it would stop trying in the first place. Come on, I’m 51.5 years old!

Got caught up on my sleep and should be able to go out for a walk later on. That’s pretty much it for now so… later!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

There's Always Something

Sunday my hips were sore as hell, Monday my legs turned to rubber after just a few minutes of bike riding, and today I’m damn near comatose. WTF? Yes, I slept shitty. Yes, I woke up many times, sometimes too warm. But it’s not like I didn’t sleep at all, so this fatigue seems a bit extreme. I didn’t take anything last night, so I doubt it could be related to my blood pressure or blood sugar. I sure hope not, anyway.

Like I’ve been saying for a while now, I wish I could have more days where I had good energy and nothing hurt or made me feel off in any way. The most important thing is not having anxiety. I’m still doing well with that, but still not quick to jump the gun and assume it’s gone for good. It seems I always have something, though. Lately it’s been an underarm rash and I worry it’s folliculitis. It could be some type of fungal rash, so I started Lamisil a couple days ago, and I’m not sure that it’s helping. Or maybe I’m allergic to the Gain laundry detergent pods we’ve been using. I just don’t know. But when I see my doctor in a couple weeks I’ll show it to her.

I’ve been getting some questions about the anxiety I experienced when my thyroid medication dose was higher. It’s not the same kind of anxiety one would experience if say they were about to have a medical procedure done that they were real nervous and anxious about. It’s something far worse and probably impossible to imagine and comprehend without going through it firsthand. I always said that being thrown in a pit of fire would be the worst way to die, but I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think the worse, torturous form of death would be to slowly die from having too much thyroid hormone. That fire would hurt like hell, but you’re dead in minutes. A slow death from being thyrotoxic would be the ultimate form of torture that I couldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s the most horrible, horrible feeling on earth to be high on thyroid. That’s really the best way I can describe it for those who haven’t experienced it and that I hope to hell never will.

Life is otherwise running smoothly. One of the houses on our street has sold and now I’m hoping the newcomers don’t have a motorcycle or any really loud vehicles.

I was off to a good start on the intermittent fasting diet, but hunger and cravings threw me off track. There’s no getting around the fact that I would have to cut down to about 1000-1200 calories a day to lose weight and that’s just not enough. As long as I keep active (when I’m awake enough) I can maintain my weight on 1500-1600 calories a day.

For once I had a bit of a funny dream. Being the adventurers that we are, on two different occasions Tom and I simply up and changed states with no home or job waiting for us in the new state. Sometimes that’s the only way to go. It got a little scary at times, but this was how we transferred from Arizona to Oregon, and then from Oregon to California.

In the dream we moved to Boston of all places. No place I would even consider going to in a million years, but that’s where we went in the dream. Towards the end of the day after we arrived there, I was getting tired and said I hoped we could find a place to rent or check into a hotel soon.

Then we were in someplace that had a small door in the wall that was perhaps 3’ x 3’. Tom opened the door and found a strange passageway. Curiously, Tom began to climb in and I told him to be careful because there was a sharp turn in it and I didn’t want him getting stuck.

I then started to think how it was a bummer that we didn’t know anybody in the area yet, and then I remembered Eileen. For a second I considered contacting Andy, now just hours away, but thought better of it when I realized that being in the same state wouldn’t make him any less negative, immature or judgmental.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Clonidine Report

The weather is gorgeous right now. But can I take my laptop out on the patio and enjoy it? No, of course not. Fucking landscaping has to spoil the peace, as usual.

Took my first dose of Clonidine last night and while I didn’t have any bad effects from it, I’m not sure it’s going to be all that helpful. I’m allowed to take up to three tablets a day. Being the first time taking it, I took just one, of course. I was nervous as hell about it, too.

I thought I would get noticeably drowsy after about 10 minutes like I usually do with things like Benadryl and Lorazepam, but I didn’t. I also didn’t sleep as soundly as when I take other things and kept waking up several times. I woke up a little tired, but not so groggy that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I found that the best thing to help perk me up is salad. I have a bag of mixed lettuce, and after a few mouthfuls of that and some coffee, I perked up.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Lowe's, Sams, Michael's, Dollar Tree, Etc.

I got up earlier today because yesterday was such a fun and busy day that I fell asleep earlier than the night before, something I rarely do.

We wanted to go out browsing and shopping just for fun, but we also wanted not to have to listen to the thump of base from the damn concert. Remember, some of us move to these types of places to get away from that shit. Not to have to listen to it. But by the time we returned four hours later at the tail end of the concert, you could barely hear it, unlike the last time. It was still good to get out and do things we don’t normally do to break up our normal routine. No matter how comfortable you may be with your routine, variety is always good.

We went to Lowe’s first but didn’t get anything there. Then we went to Wendy’s where we both got junior bacon burgers with small fries and a small drink. With both of us watching what we eat, we were really stuffed afterward, not used to taking in 600 cals at once. There’s a reason I eat as much as I can a few days before vacations; to enlarge my stomach so I can enjoy indulging during the trip.

We parked towards the back of the parking lots furthest from the stores we visited so it would be easier to get out and because we like to walk. It was a beautiful day. Warm and dry. I even got a little color.

We first stopped in a department store we’d never been to before. It wasn’t all that great. Then we went to a thrift store we’d also never been to and that was more my style. For just seven bucks I got silver sequined UGG style boots.

Then we went to the Dollar Tree where I got these cute little plastic flowers in a tiny pot. When light hits the solar panel on it, the flowers “dance.”

We also got a few scented hand sanitizers, and these scented room deodorizers that are it in plastic jars, but we really don’t notice them unless we stick our noses right up to them.

We went to Michael’s craft store where I got 5 neon colored beaded bracelets for $.99 each.

Our last stop was at Sam’s where we got dishwasher and laundry pods, and a power scrubber for the old shower stalls.

For just $10, I got a pink tunic with sparkly gems on it.

The four 2 x 2 printed foam mats arrived yesterday and we love them so far. We have one in the second bathroom and three in the kitchen to see how well they hold up before we redo both sections of the floor. They’re very comfortable to walk on and they look great. The roof is still the #1 priority and that will get done in July or August.

So yesterday was lots of fun. It definitely made up for the horrible, horrible nightmare in which I required lorazepam to get back to sleep. In the dream, I was living with Tammy, although she had a multi-story house in the dream. In reality, Tom will be 60 in exactly one month, but in the dream, he died from a sudden and unexpected illness right before he was to turn 57. The depression I experienced in the dream was overwhelming. Tammy had to leave one morning, assuring me that everything would be okay and that she would be back at 11 PM or sooner. I didn’t want her to go, but I also didn’t want to cry on her shoulder all day either.

I spent the day reading and writing and trying to block Tom from my mind so as to keep from cracking up. Unable to work yet not having worked enough years to collect disability, I had no idea how I was going to survive since our savings and sale of the house would only last a year or two. Even if I had all the money in the world, I didn’t see how I could stand to wake up each day without him for the next 25-35 years. It’s so true that once you find your true soulmate you don’t want to live without them, and no wonder so many long-term couples die around the same time.

But then nighttime came and I couldn’t help but think of how we’d always assumed he would turn 57 and then 58 and so on and so forth. I looked to the doorway of the bedroom, which I stood in, wishing he would appear and say it was just a horrible joke and that we could now go home. I woke up as I burst into tears. Like I said, it was a horrible, horrible dream.

Taking it easier today doing things around the house. I doubt we’ll go out today, but who knows?

I’m trying to get used to progressive glasses once again because I really like having a pair of glasses that does it all. It was a pain in the ass switching back and forth between reading glasses and bifocals with no mid-range vision.

My right hip is better (for the most part), but today my left hip is sore when I first stand up. I’ve had pain nearly every day for a while now, but it sure beats anxiety.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Silverfish & Spiders

This is the first time after bombing that I’ve continued to find things in here… 2 silver fish and 3 spiders. Oh, they were on their way to the pearly gates, but still…

The weather was perfect for bombing yesterday because it was cool and windy. That way it wasn’t too warm in the storeroom for the rats, and the house didn’t get too warm when we were airing it out.

Since my one-year prescription is up, the pharmacist left a message with my doctor to refill it, but as far as I know, she hasn’t responded yet. It says it can take up to 72 hours and we did this just yesterday morning. She better hurry up, though. I only have four pills left. The last thing I want is for her to screw me out of a few doses right before labs, then not get an accurate reading. I will so let her have it if that’s the case!

I’m looking at the notes I scribbled down as I always do when I get up to help me remember my dreams. Well, I don’t know what “work at restaurant” or “guy opens door” or “banana chips” means, but I vaguely remember Steve, a neighbor I had back east. He entered a room I was in, wanting to be sure I was ready to give a speech that night.

“But what do I give a speech about?” I asked him, and he said it could be whatever I wanted it to be about. Everyone was giving a random speech that night. So I thought about it a moment and decided I would do a speech on PTSD.

Then Tammy appeared to be upset that I wasn’t wearing a particular shirt that I guess she hoped I’d wear for that event.


So I saw the psychiatrist yesterday. The setup was a little different. The building didn’t consist of only doctors. There were lawyers and other things as well. Usually, the nurse takes me into the exam room, takes my vitals, then has me wait for the doctor. In this case, a nurse took me into a small room off the waiting room and took everything but my pulse. Then I went back to the waiting room where I had to fill out a ridiculous amount of paperwork asking me the same damn questions that should already be on file. I did most of it but not all of it. It was just too long and too irrelevant as to why I was there.

Then, just like Stacey would come and get me herself, the doctor came to get me. She didn’t really make an impression on me either in a positive or a negative way. She was just average, I guess you could say. She didn’t make any small talk unrelated to the visit by commenting on the weather, whatever I was wearing, etc., but she also didn’t come off as rude, insensitive or like she was trying to rush me along. The staff wasn’t all that friendly except for the nurse that took my vitals.

Dr. C was a lot like Stacey. She had a very calm and “neutral” demeanor. The kind you couldn’t picture freaking out and that probably had a dry sense of humor. While they may have been comparable in personalities, they looked nothing alike except for their thinness.

What I liked about her was that she stayed in the present and let me bring her up to date on the last few years and what led me to see her without interrupting me. The old shrink may have been friendlier, but she was harder to talk to because she interrupted a lot and went off topic. I almost felt like I was going to chat with an old buddy when I would see her, LOL.

She told me that the ADD might have been what made going through perimenopause so hard on me, and explained that ADD is common and that those that have it often do better in crisis. Haha, could’ve fooled me. I had to be EMDR’d, didn’t I? I get what she’s saying, though. As Stacey pointed out, the day I freaked out thinking I was having a heart attack, I acted quickly and was able to think fast despite how terrified I was, call for help, and get out of the house.

Dr. C also confirms that once I go from perimenopause to menopause, things should stable out. They feel like they’ve been doing just that since February, but now my body is making its third attempt to generate a period since mid-March, and this time I’m afraid it might succeed. The last couple of times I would get watery, and then the water would back off. Now I’m getting watery and my boobs are tender.

She took a moment to read my old endo’s notes and commented about her being a very smart woman.

She also asked me if I’d ever been diagnosed with Graves’ disease. I’ve heard of it but didn’t know it was the term for hyperthyroidism like Hashimoto’s is the term for hypothyroidism. The neurologist I saw said it was likely that I did have Graves’ disease when I was younger, and even though they never tested me for it, I agree based on the symptoms I had back then. I didn’t have such terrifying anxiety like the last few years, but I would get overly hyper, my heart would race, and I couldn’t gain weight if I tried.

Once it got to where I could no longer lose weight in my 40s, I wrote it off to age. But then I was like, hey wait a minute! I exercise. But even with treatment, diet and exercise do me no good and I’m forever 30 pounds overweight. Therefore I have set more realistic goals for myself, which is not to gain any more weight. So far so good. :-)

Then she asked me about joint and muscle pain and I told her that my hip joints have been particularly stiff lately and I’m losing flexibility. I first wrote that one off to being fat, but there are people a lot heavier than me that have more flexibility. She recommended some stretching exercises, which I’ll be doing a few minutes each day.

She mentioned memory loss, and yes, I’m still dealing with the brain fog from hell. I have trouble focusing and will often think of something I need to get from another room, walk into that room, then forget why I entered it in the first place. Sometimes it takes me a minute to remember my own damn address and phone number.

So I told her that while I’m trying to remain optimistic, I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that the worst of the anxiety is over, and so I requested one more refill of lorazepam, which she gave me. If all continues to go well, though, I won’t finish the bottle I still have, let alone need the refill.

She asked me about beta-blockers and I told her I took atenolol once when my heart was racing when the perimenopause was at its worse and they were adjusting my levothyroxine dose, and while it slowed my HR, it also made me very cold and sluggish. I also told her about the nightmare I went through with Prozac.

I was surprised to learn that lorazepam isn’t a narcotic but a benzodiazepine. Still, she said it not only quits working after a while as the body gets too used to it, but it’s addicting.

She feels clonidine would be better for me in light of the ADD. She says it will also help with any additional anxiety I may have and help me sleep better (we discussed my insomnia and the CRD as well). She understands my phobia of medication and recommended I try the short-acting version before bed and see if it helps me sleep. Another reason she thinks this will be better for me is that it’s not a stimulant like levothyroxine or a controlled substance like lorazepam. I asked her if there was anything I should worry about if I decided to try it and she said it can make you tired, so take it before bed as needed for the next six months and see if it helps with sleep as well as better concentration and all that. As I told her, I don’t have insomnia all the time. Sometimes I’m up the standard 16 hours. But when it’s been 18 or more hours and Tom’s home (just because the EMDR has made me braver doesn’t mean I’m that brave), I will take a 0.1 mg tablet; the lowest dose possible, which they give to kids.

“If you like it and you want to take it every day, let me know when you see me again in six months and we’ll switch you to the long-acting version,” she told me.

I guess those are taken twice a day. Either way, I wonder if I should have just said no. The ADD and occasional insomnia haven't killed me yet, I don’t need the clonidine to keep me alive, and this is just adding one more drug and yet more appointments. Nothing wrong with trying it at least once, though, and again, I’m my own boss. I can stop taking the medicine and cancel our November appointment anytime I want. :)

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Tomorrow's Appointment

Enjoying the early morning peace and quiet before it’s lost to traffic and landscaping.

Decided to take a day off from going out running due to a little pain in my knee. I have enough other things to do anyway.

I also decided I would see the doctor by myself tomorrow. With nothing out of the ordinary going on right now I don’t feel the need for Tom to go in as extra support, which he understands. It’s usually only when something new is going on or I’m extremely wound up that I like to take him along with me.

Hopefully, we can talk about the last few years and what got me to see her in the first place rather than what happened 20-30 years ago because I don’t feel the past is relevant to a case of hormonal nightmares brought on by perimenopause and adjusting my thyroid medication. She should have some history on file from the old doctor anyway.

If I could know that this was truly it and that the perimenopause was over along with the extreme anxiety that went with it, then I wouldn’t feel the need for any more lorazepam. But I can’t possibly know that and I’m afraid to get my hopes up and jump the gun. Fate has teased me enough with that in the past where I thought it was over just to find out a few months later that it wasn’t. Common sense, however, says that given the length of time I’ve suffered on and off, I should definitely be nearing the finish line if I haven’t crossed it yet. If I can stay calm until September, then I’ll feel more confident about the torture being over because that will make it over six months. It’s been just over four months since I saw Stacey. I don’t miss her as much as I thought I would, but she played an important role in this and I’ll definitely never forget her.

My only real concern right now is what my TSH score is going to be. If it’s up, then the anxiety I had a few months ago might have been more connected to that than my doctor realizes, which might mean I could suffer on and off for the rest of my life every time my TSH slipped down. I’m not really sure how that works and if it’s common to fluctuate a few points up-and-down regularly, or if it settles in on the same number so long as the thyroid doesn’t die anymore. The medication should prevent further death of the gland as well as enlargement. I really hope to hell I’m no more than one point up or down if I’m not the same because then I’ll feel more confident that it was the peri.

So much for thinking I had another hour before the peace was destroyed because that loud car just left. They haven’t lowered the price of the house yet either. It’s never going to sell at that price. I don’t understand why the realtor hasn’t talked some sense into them. It’s going to take a year or more to get these fuckers out of here.

Anyway, I’ll see Doc C tomorrow while we bomb the place’s spiders, probably ask for one more bottle of lorazepam (the bottle I have has lasted since July 9 and I still have almost 20 left), then hit the labs in early June. Then I’ll see Doc A a week later and hopefully, that will be it until my September dentist appointment, though I will contact the GYN at the end of my steroid treatment and see what she wants me to do next. I’m hoping a follow-up won’t be necessary. I’m definitely opting out of surgery, though. Quality, not quantity. That’s what I’m all about. I’ll take a good quality 30 more years before I take a not so good quality 40 more years.

If all goes well I should be cut down to just six appointments a year between my PCP, ENT, eye doc and dentist!

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The “Religion of Peace” Strikes Again

Wow. Just wow. So now the terrorists are bombing concerts? How many more innocent people have to die before we finally pull our heads out of the sands of "political correctness?"

Went for a walk at the crack of dawn and crossed paths with Bob.

Then I was talking to Tom about pulling clothes out of the dryer and Alexa thought I was asking her for the weather in Dreyer, Texas.

Yesterday I gave my Blogger blog a whole new look and received the pink rose curtains. They’re not as nice as the green willows with the gold trim, but still okay.

Watched the first two episodes of the return of Twin Peaks, and so far I’m not impressed. It’s both slow and senseless.

In last night’s dreams, someone asked me what the meanest things were that my mother and her mother ever said to me.

“Someday you’ll be too fat to fit through the doorway,” I was happily informed by my grandmother as a child. Funny too, since I’ve never weighed more than 153 pounds at my heaviest and she was well over 200 pounds. As they say… people often are what they pick on you about.

“Try it again. Maybe next time you’ll succeed,” this was the wonderful advice my mother gave me when she came to my hospital room after I tried to commit suicide in my teens. *rolls eyes* Yeah, I had a great support system back then. And what did my father do about his wife’s words of wisdom? Not a thing.

The best part of waking up was knowing that this is so ancient history and can never happen again.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Interlocking Foam Flooring Mats

Learning more about acupuncture and the way it can help with various things. I know it can help with hunger but I’m not sure yet as far as weight loss and improving my eyesight. Can’t hurt to try it for a while and find out.

The temps have been in the 90s, which is great because then it doesn’t get chilly in the early mornings inside the house. It needs to stop getting below 70° at night in order for the pool to warm up. I wish they would just heat it normally. This isn’t an ideal climate for solar heated pools.

I jumped on Amazon to start researching laminate flooring and accidentally stumbled across these interlocking foam mats with printed “wood” on top. We’re going to start with getting the smallest amount for $20 and put it in the shed and see how well it holds up out there. It would be a cheaper alternative to laminate flooring and looks very realistic. One person had a bad experience with it in the reviews, but the other pictures I saw look like real wooden floors. Since this is our practice house, so to speak, and since we’re going to be here several more years, this would be a good time to take the opportunity to see how well it holds up. It would be nice to know exactly what to get in the next place instead of wasting money. If we like this stuff, then it would only cost $100 to do the kitchen. I chose the white oak. I suspect they’d feel nice to walk on. The sticky tiles, for some reason, were cold to the touch as opposed to linoleum.

So we’re going to order that, plus a pink armband from my phone for when I’m out running, and a shoe stretcher. My flower shoes are still a little snug on me.

We went to Walmart this morning and I got a long colorful beaded necklace, a couple packs of scented wax cubes, and a really cool small sequined pillow. If the sequins are all facing one direction where the gold side is showing, you can then rub your hand along it and it will flip them over to the silver side. Tom wrote “hi” on it in the store, LOL.

A couple of friends of a Facebook friend joined my group yesterday, but no one else has joined since.

Is it just me or do others find those “share to show you care” posts just as annoying as I do? Like we’re supposed to feel guilty if we don’t share because that supposedly means we don’t care? I just wonder why so many people feel the need to validate their friendships like that. If you feel you need to “test” them to see if they care, then maybe you should just delete them. :-)

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Secrets to Die For

I’m reading the book Secrets to Die For by L. J. Sellers, and it’s not only a great murder mystery, but it’s a reminder that what some people think is a matter of opinion is really a matter of simply being incorrect. It deals with hate crimes against lesbians.

The book discusses the common myths that go with the subject… thinking all lesbians hate men, that they were all raped or molested, that they choose to be that way, etc. It's one thing to say that in my opinion pink is the best color, but I’d be full of shit to say that people don’t need oxygen to survive. Nobody wakes up one day and decides, “I’m going to be gay/bi/lesbian today, the most hated lifestyle on earth.”

And like the book said, what lifestyle? Gays, bisexuals and lesbians live the same lives anyone else lives; they just happen to be attracted to the same-sex, a biological variation on sexuality in which plenty of scientific research supports. 1 out of 10 people are gay and that’s probably only those that will admit it. I think it’s more like 1 in every 8.

Also like the book said, is discriminating against gays really any different than discriminating against lefties simply because they’re different? And again, “different” isn’t always as different as some may think it is.

Alexa now has this chat bot thing where you engage her in a conversation, but it’s kind of boring so far.

The green willow curtains for the window by my desk arrived and they’re gorgeous. I love the gold glittery trim at the edges of the leaves. I hope the pink roses for the dining room come today.

I created a public Facebook group to share random pictures I found around the web, mostly of nature and animals, but so far no one’s joined, other than the few friends I’ve added. Andy has a couple of groups where he posts pics of sexy men, one of which has nearly 10,000 members. I never really saw the point of groups, but then I thought it might be fun to see how many members it might acquire, what they might have to share, etc. I doubt anyone will join because it’s not worth it to me to put all the effort that would go into promoting the group. I’m not that sociable online. The link to it is

I’ve proven to myself that I can do this type of IF diet a lot easier than where I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. That was just way too long and damaging to my metabolism. But I’ve been having approximately 1500 calories a day, which is what it takes to maintain my current weight. The next step is to see if I can cut a third of my calories out, or at least close to it, to lose 20-30 pounds, but I have my doubts on this one. I shall soon find out for sure!

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Nancy Disgrace

I’m in a lazy mood right now. Not tired, but not exactly energetic either.

As I said I would, I circled around the block and found the same three cars at the house that’s still for sale, including the loud one.

Lost a pound in 3 days since starting the new diet, but I don’t expect to lose more than a total of 5 pounds. With my metabolism the way it is treated or not, my body just won’t give up the weight. Not unless I get horribly sick or anxious. No thanks! I’ll keep the extra 30 pounds. This should definitely help keep my weight where it’s at, though. I love being able to eat every hour 8 times. The only catch is that in order to be able to do that I can only eat for 8 hours of the day, so that’s why I trim the first 4 hours off my day and also the last 4 hours. He thinks I’ll gradually keep losing, but we’ll see.

He’s lost over 10 pounds on his own diet where he cut himself to about 1700 - 1800 cals a day from nearly 3000. But he’s a male and he doesn’t have Hashimoto’s either.

A couple of times since my last period in mid-March I started to retain water and I felt like I was gearing up for another period, but then I would lose the water. If I can get to his birthday without a period, that’ll be a record breaker for me.

Since finishing up Bosch on Amazon, I’ve been watching the final season of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.  I know the show is geared towards teens, but it’s packed with so many surprises, twists and turns, and I really like the nonstop action and guessing, as opposed to your typical predictable kind of show where you pretty much know how it’s going to end.

Really excited for the return of Twin Peaks on Showtime! That was one of the best shows ever made. Totally unique, eccentric, mysterious and unpredictable.

Sometimes I watch Real Stories documentaries on YouTube. Well, I was always aware of who Elizabeth Smart was, but yesterday I learned the details when I saw her case. I was appalled by the way some reporters handled the case, especially Nancy Grace. What a fucking vulture the way she would persistently pry the poor girl for information she clearly didn’t want to discuss. “Nancy Disgrace” would be a more appropriate name for the heartless bitch. She had no empathy whatsoever during the interview and even appeared to be amused. She calls herself a victim’s rights advocate but she seems more of a bully to me. The way she handled the Jodi Arias case (not that I’m even remotely close to being an Arias supporter), reminded me of high school. Here you had this “popular” person openly bashing the underdog. It wasn’t the fact that she reported details of the case, but how she went about it that disgusted me. She would constantly express her dislike an even a hatred for Jodi, but at the same time, it was like she was obsessed with her. If she doesn’t give a shit about these perps, which I truly understand, she should at least think of their families and grow up a little. Runner up to the actual victim, I felt bad for Arias’s mother and the blatant lack of respect the woman was shown all in the name of “entertainment.” I would still rather see her go Girl Interrupted on someone like Arias, though, than pick and tear at a victim’s sensitive wounds like she did with Smart.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017


Is all hate fear based? I know a lot of people think it is, and I believe that some of it truly is. People are often scared of what they don’t understand or agree with. Things they might not have grown up with or simply aren’t used to seeing. Maybe you’re not used to seeing the drag queen twirl around in his colorful dress. Or maybe you’re not used to seeing the biracial couple with their cute kids in tow.

But what about the people that hate those who pose no threat to their safety in any way shape or form? That can’t come to your house and beat you up? That can’t take your home or your job away from you? I think sometimes people hate someone for something they said or did, but they aren’t the least bit “afraid” of them in any way. I hated Osama bin Laden for the pain, misery and death he caused, but I never feared him personally. He was never going to show up on my doorstep ready to kill, nor was he ever going to burn our house down while we were out.

It seems people often have false truths about certain situations and people that are just that… false.

Not everyone who may despise us fears us.

Lesbians don’t hate men anymore or less than straight women but simply aren’t attracted to them.

If God didn’t save some poor starving kid in Africa, He might not save you, if He exists in the first place.

Bisexuals aren’t “confused.”

Going out in chilly weather with wet hair doesn’t increase your chances of a cold.

Not all homeless people “ask” for it.

You can’t get rich simply by wishful thinking.

Glad to say the Scar Away scar gel is working after all! It's slowly fading the scarred skin to match the healthy skin. I guess these things just take time. It somehow changes the skin’s pigment and all that.

Also, the new diet is getting easier as well. It seems that for me it doesn’t get easier until the third day and that’s where I’m at right now.

Tom stopped by the office on his way home today and they didn’t have the keys, so we may remain forever clueless as to what happened to them and whether or not anyone’s got them in their possession. If they do, they’re worthless now.

Haven’t heard that really loud car in three days even though the house hasn’t sold yet. After I have my fish dinner and the sun sets and the temperature drops, I’ll head in that direction when I go out for my run and see if I can see what’s up. Then I’m going to run down to the lake.

Either the perimenopause is backing off or this is a much better mattress/mattress pad for me because I fell asleep without the fan on while it was in the mid-70s in here, and that would normally cause me to hot flash.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Partial Fasting Diet

When the new Miss USA was asked if she thought health insurance was a right or a privilege, she answered with the latter. Actually, both those answers are wrong. It’s a necessity.

Tom forgot to stop at the office to see if they have the keys before they closed. Meanwhile, he went to see if he could have new ones made up (for the car) and they wanted $80 for just one. Totally ridiculous since we could get two for $12 on Amazon.

A while back I was doing a partial fasting diet where I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. Then I could pretty much have what I wanted for the rest of the day as long as I worked out. This particular diet is not only bad for my metabolism, but I would get dizzy from it, so I decided on a better version of it. Instead of fasting 8 hours at once I’ll split it up. Assuming I’m up for 16 hours on average, I won’t eat the first 4 hours of my day or the last 4 hours of my day. That way I only have to space my food out over an 8-hour period.


When I asked him the other day if he thought I could be losing hearing in my good ear like I at least think I might be, he said, “I told you you’ve been losing hearing ever since we met.”

LOL, well so does everybody over nearly a quarter-century. I’ve noticed, though, that I’m playing my music a little louder, having more trouble hearing in background noise, and I didn’t even hear the washer the other day. We have a front loader, which is quieter than top loaders. As I walked by the laundry room I thought, wow, it’s quiet in there, and I wondered if the park turned off the water for a second. Once I stepped into the room and in front of it, I could hear it going.

I’ve wanted to try Poopouri, so I got a small bottle when we got our last Amazon order. They sure have some funny names for different scents like Poo La La, Trap a Crap, and others. I got the tropical one but it smells more like citrus to me. I always like to try things, though I think common air freshener is the best bet. It’s cheaper and you have a better selection of fragrances that way.

It’s funny because I went to order the lavender vanilla and it came up saying that it couldn’t ship to this area. I was like what, do they think our shit doesn’t stink or something? So I had to get the tropical hibiscus.

He’s building a little spy camera to put in the carport. The round case he printed on the 3-D printer is so cool, and he’s using magnets to hold it together.

We transferred some songs that I thought would be suitable for running to my smartphone. I have been using the old phone because it’s small, but I like having a phone I can call out on if I wanted to.

I was sleeping just fine until a nightmare woke me up a few hours later. I had to take a lorazepam (this bottle of 60 has lasted me since July 9 and I still have 20 more) to relax enough to fall back asleep.

In the dream, Tom and I were home and for once the house looked like this house. The only difference was that the walls were made of curtains. I walked down the hallway and into the living room when I noticed the front door standing wide open.

“Someone’s here!” I shouted to Tom as he headed towards me.

I quickly turned around to make sure no one was standing behind me in the dining area, and no one was.

Then Tom said, “There they are!”

I asked him where and he pointed to the curtain at the side of the door. Then I saw the guy’s shadow as he began to run around the house towards the back. I quickly spun around to dash out the back door and try to catch the guy. I glanced behind me for a split second, noticing that he didn’t seem as eager as I was. I awoke in pursuit of the bastard, whoever they were.

Well, as far as cracking our codes in real life, good luck with that!

Finished Season 3 of Bosch on Amazon, so now I'm watching Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sewer Golf

Tom and I got a lot done over the weekend and we even went out walking. Still not very good at sewer golf, LOL. That’s where our feet become golf clubs and we try to kick little pebbles into the sewers along the way. They carry rain and irrigation water down to the ditch.

It was my turn to lose something… almost. Dusk isn’t a good time to go out because there are a lot of gnats flying around, so I waited until after 9pm. Fewer people, less traffic. Headed out in the usual direction and realized I didn’t need my glasses since my long-range vision is still fairly decent. It’s seeing close-up and making out detail that’s hard for me. But I could practically run around this park blindfolded, that’s how well I know it. I broke into a run at my usual point, swung around the lake and was heading up the hill when I realized they were no longer tucked into my waistband. My music must’ve drowned out the sound of them hitting the pavement. So I backtracked, figuring they would be where I was running the most, and they were. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I couldn’t find them. I have another pair, plus my progressives.

It was so nice stepping out the door on the way out and just pressing the ‘lock’ button, and then pressing it again to light up the number pad on my way back in. No more keys. :-) The new locks do have a keyhole in them in case the electronics fail. We may like technology, but we don’t trust it. We’re no longer using the knobs since those use the old keys. To help get out of the habit of using them, I put a piece of tape over them.

We got same-day delivery on the locks and Tom installed them on both doors. You can have a code that’s between 4-8 digits, which we’ll change periodically. A tiny light blinks amber when the doors are locked, green when they’re unlocked, red when the batteries are low, and some other color if you make a mistake punching in the code. There’s also an option to have the doors auto-lock 30 seconds after they’re shut. We chose to use this feature on the front door because we don’t use that door as much as the back. All you would have to do is just turn the knob to unlock it if it did lock, but this way it’ll be easier when we’re bringing in groceries or something like that. You would think the thing would be smart enough not to lock the door when it was open, but we totally love them just the same. Maybe we’ll even take them with us when we move someday. We’ve got the old locks stored in a box in the utility room, plus the locks that were here when we first moved in.

It also came with a special tool to rekey the locks. We put each lock’s spare key, along with a key to the knobs, in the lock box. The other set of those same keys is in the utility room. He’s still going to stop by the office on the way home tomorrow to see if anyone turned in the keys we lost.

The Walmart he went to doesn’t do spare keys, but once we get a new spare key for the Caddy, he can erase the memory and then re-program the new key along with the other old key.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Are You a Psychopath?

Tom and I were discussing the rats and we both agree that while Burke and Simon could be related since rats can have a wide variety of markings and colors within the same litter, there’s no way Dumbo could be related. A top-eared rat simply can’t produce a Dumbo rat.

They were all waiting at their door for me to give them the bread I give them when I get up (they get their own loaves since I almost never eat bread), then later they were at the door to come out and play. I let them run around while I ate a huge salad and watched the last episode of Season 3 of Bosch. Then they went running home when I put the rest of the salad in their cage. So cute!

We’re waiting for the new locks to be delivered. We decided to go with one that was $107. This one has a code and will lock the doors automatically, but doesn’t have an alarm.

Tom is going to get another key made up for the Cadillac and then reprogram the chips in both keys.

We’re going to go somewhere on the 27th since the park is once again going to force live music on some of us that don’t want to hear the obnoxious thumping of bass in their homes for 4 or more hours. Why the fuck do they think we moved here? Well, it was supposedly to escape that kind of shit. I just worry this kind of thing is going to encourage more people to have loud car stereos in here. Hearing them on the freeway is annoying enough.

I was watching a documentary on what makes a person a psychopath. A lot of people think they’re crazy when in fact they do know right from wrong. The fact is that they’re incapable of feeling empathy, along with some other traits. Tom and I took this test at that tells you if you’re a psychopath or not.

I scored 2.something for primary psychopathy, and I think 1.8 for secondary. Both of his scores were the same… 1.something. So I’m closer to being a psychopath than he is, LOL. Some of the questions were tricky, though, like the one where they ask if you would hurt someone’s emotions to get what you wanted. Would I hurt someone I cared about? Absolutely not. But some rapist I don’t even know? Someone who’s fucked me over in the past? Charles Manson? Sure I would if I wanted it bad enough.

They say psychopaths are born rather than made, but I think in many ways I had less empathy 30 years ago, though it really depends on the situation and who’s involved. I don’t have the bleeding heart for some people that I used to 30 years ago.

On the other hand, I feel bad for some of the pranks that I pulled in the past. I could never egg a perfect stranger’s vehicle that never did a damn thing to me without feeling guilty. Yet I could do this 30 years ago without thinking twice.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Port Elizabeth, Africa

I rarely type anymore having been spoiled by speech to text. But my Mac’s microphone, which is plugged into a 32” TV that I use as a monitor, is a few feet away from where I sit. It still does a good job, but I find that inserting an ear bud with a microphone makes it even more accurate. This way I can also talk softer when Tom’s sleeping even if he’s the heaviest sleeper I know and the bedroom is nowhere near where I’m sitting.

Today I have good energy, but yesterday I had horrible fatigue. So, since reflexology helps with hunger, I looked on YouTube for something that would help with that. You press a particular area of the foot and it truly does seem to give you a burst of energy. It didn’t give me as much as I would have liked, but it helped. There’s also a point at the base of the thumb that stimulates the thyroid, but as easy as I go thyrotoxic?

No. Fucking. Way.

The LA cityscape drapes arrived today and they’re awesome! I picked out half a dozen or so more designs and put them in the ‘save for later’ section on Amazon, so I can have a good variety. Because they’ve got pockets for rods instead of grommets, we had to use drape hooks for them, given the type of room divider rods they hang from. They’re technically for sliders, so if our next place has one, that’s where they’ll go. You can pretty much use them anywhere. Wall tapestries… whatever.

When I think of life’s annoyances, like the fact that that fucking car that’s insanely loud came and went four times in less than five hours, I think of the documentary I saw last night and realize I don’t have it nearly as bad as I could have it. It was filmed in Port Elizabeth, Africa and it talked about how the crime rate is so outrageously high there, how every other girl is raped, how poor of the law, health care, schooling, housing and basically everything is there. You’ve got whole families living in these tiny little shacks without electricity or plumbing, and it’s like OMFG! Losing keys is nothing.

Happy first birthday to my ratties! The crazy assholes we got them from said they were actually born on the 13th, so close enough.

They’re so cute the way they play when they’re out loose, and then run home after a while when they hear me putting treats in their cage.

Lost Keys

I usually blog toward the beginning of my day, but it’s been a rather busy day. Let’s see… where shall I begin? I guess I’ll begin with Tom losing the keys. It was just a small key ring with the house key and the Caddy key, though it also had a remote not just to unlock the car doors but to start it like if it’s a cold morning and you want to warm it up.

He noticed he couldn’t find his keys on his way to work this morning. Fortunately, he had a spare car key. He was able to lock the house by getting the backup key out of the lockbox. Thank God we were smart enough to get that lockbox, too!

We went over it a million times in our minds and we’re totally stumped as to where they could be. The most likely scenario is that they fell out of his pocket when he was taking the trash out yesterday or picking up the mail. Our only concern is that while many people here have luxury cars, most of them seem to be Infinity or Lexus models, not Cadillacs. So if someone picked up the keys at the side of the road or even down by the mailboxes, well, we’re the only Caddy on the circle as far as we know. I would think they would be more likely to steal the car than enter the house if anyone was going to do anything. We don’t have insurance to cover the car being stolen, but if God forbid it is, we’ll just buy a new car the next day. I just hope that if anybody does try anything, they do it when I’m awake so I can show them a whole lot of crazy followed by some busted fingers. The cherry on top of that would be a broken neck.

Since it’s unlikely the house is haunted and a ghost stole them, or that someone would break in while we were asleep just to steal keys, our guess is that someone picked them up that fortunately isn’t a thief. There is a slight possibility someone came in while I was sleeping (I wouldn’t hear it over the sound machine) thinking no one was home, then got scared off when they saw the bedroom door shut and realized someone was home. But I highly doubt they would lock the door behind them on the way out. We’re hoping they were turned into the office. We’ll call them Monday, but regardless, this is given us tech fanatics the incentive to get high-tech locks, so we don’t have to carry keys when we go out walking or wherever. We had a few options actually.

We could spend no money at all and just switch them back out to the originals, since the previous owner, who’s got to have one foot in the grave by now, isn’t going to wait 4 years to break in.

For $100 we could get locks where you enter a 4-digit code, but still requires you to flip the dead bolt.

For $174 we could get one that also has a 4-digit code but that engages the lock on its own after 30 seconds.

So we discussed these three options and the winner is option number two. It’ll be $200, of course, because we have two doors.

I asked Bob and Virginia if by any chance they happened to find any keys, and not surprisingly, they haven’t. They’d be the first ones to ask if the keys were ours if they had.

A couple their age was visiting when I went over. Virginia said that Bob was about to come and see me, so I left Virginia to their company and Bob and I went outside. In the front corner of their place next to ours, they have these little sections where they’re growing tomatoes. Just above it beyond the retaining wall on our side are these things coming up that Bob said get “fuzzy” and blow all over the place, and so he asked if he could trim them. He said they recently sprouted up. I told him he could do anything he wanted and asked if he wanted us to do anything in particular. He said not at all because he’s not only home all the time and looking for things to do, but he gets that Tom’s busy working. Yeah, and I’m afraid to work with spiders and bees, LOL.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

LA Comes to Sacramento

Los Angeles is coming to NorCal! As I think I mentioned before, we have a very large bedroom in which we added a divider to in order to create a little “retreat” of sorts in the back. The rods are up, and at first, I was considering getting these plain beige curtains made by the makers of the rods. Then I decided to look at scenic curtains. Wildflowers in a field along with a close-up of cherry blossoms were absolutely gorgeous, but I thought they might clash with the pink-purple floral blanket, so I decided to go with a scene of LA at night. More appropriate for a bedroom anyway. If I like the way this curtain looks I may get others in the future for variety… beaches, forests, flowers, etc.

I almost got the Manhattan cityscape, but felt that one was a little too lit up. Anyway, my city arrives tomorrow, along with a couple sets of sheer curtains that were much cheaper for the dining area and by the front door. Pink roses for the dining room, green willow vines for the other.

For the last three years, I’ve had garden curtains in the dining room and a beach scene by the front door, so it’s time for a change.

What’s cool about the cityscape is that it’s not a drawing or computer-generated, but an actual photograph.

Been getting a lot of journal readers on Prosebox lately and I wonder why. It sure is interesting, though.

It was 67° in here when I got up at 8:30, and it’s getting down to 45° tonight. :-(

Where I was worried that my TSH would slip too low, now I’m a little worried that it’s on the rise again. Unfortunately, I’m an experienced enough “Hashi” to know the symptoms. I’ve been very calm, had to stop and think a few seconds when asked my phone number, and I’m experiencing more fatigue, even though that could be a combination of PMS and perimenopause. My joints have also been stiffer lately and less flexible. I was zipping up and down the house yesterday afternoon doing stuff and I felt “heavier,” even though my weight hasn’t changed. My skin isn’t drier, though, and I’m not retaining water, experiencing a hoarse voice, or losing any hair.

If I do find out that my TSH has risen, I’m going to be more convinced that my anxiety might have had something to do with the lower TSH than just perimenopause alone. I’d love to see it lower with me this calm, though.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Tiles, Utensils & Alexa

Two more months and we’ll have lived here for four years. It’s both quieter and not since we moved in. Next door has been quieter. It’s not the neighbors that are noisy, it’s the traffic and landscaping. I’d say the neighbors have been quieter, the landscaping is the same (nearly every day), but traffic is much worse. More motorcycles and loud vehicles in general.

Next door has been quiet, Geri sometimes has company and I can hear them doing her yard or loading and unloading things from their truck, but she’s otherwise quiet. Her dog gets annoying at times when she’s walking it, but she’s a good neighbor. Trisha is quiet, and the only time I heard noise from the “Twenties” was when they were having their place tented for termites. As for the people behind us, they’re quiet, whoever they are. We never met.

I started off yesterday with the same major fatigue I’m feeling right now, but after I had a salad I perked right up. I don’t have any more salad at the moment. What am I going to do, though… have fatigue and lightheadedness in the spring and summer and then anxiety in the fall and winter? I had this kind of fatigue start up around this time last year. I normally have the energy of a two-year-old and I would like to feel that most days like I used to… without the anxiety. It’s been a few months without anxiety, which is great, but I’m not ready to assume I’m done with that any more than I’m ready to assume I’m done with periods.

Anyway, once I perked up I did a lot around here. Since those sticky tiles we got won’t work on our linoleum floors, I decided to stick them on the back wall of the closet to brighten it up in there and make the clothes stand out better. I hate dark paneling. I thought it would look kind of tacky and silly at first but it actually looks pretty good. So now the tiles won’t go to waste and I have about 17 left over. I can totally see how they can only be used on smooth surfaces.

I also sorted through our kitchen utensils, weeding out what was either old or not needed, and then reorganizing the rest before returning the stuff to their drawers.

Although we can’t ever imagine Tammy having any form of Alexa because she and Mark just aren’t the tech fanatics we are, the newest video version of her has an interesting feature called “drop in” where she could just say something like, “Drop in on Jodi,” and if I happen to be within hearing range, I could answer. Pretty damn cool.