Thursday, June 29, 2017

Privacy, Please

As I've said before, I never cared to see what my Facebook friends “like” or comment on because they’re not talking to me and therefore I don't see why it should be any of my business. I also never liked that they could see activity of mine that didn't pertain to them or that I didn’t post to my wall.

But what about those that follow you around on other sites not thinking you know it until they either later decide to tell you about it or you let them know you know they’re there? Does this creep you out? Even though I'm not doing or saying anything wrong on any of these sites, it feels strange to be followed like that. Should I be flattered that some people are that interested and curious? Or should I become suspicious about the way they sometimes go about it in "secretive" ways, not realizing that some of us are more observant than they give them credit for? I just wonder why some of these people don't speak up right away and say something like, "Hey, this seems like a really nice site. Thought I would join too."

Makes me wonder if they’re looking for something in particular, something they might not expect to see if they didn't think I knew they were around.

Anyway, I was initially going to have the Twitter account I use as a health tracker be public, but since it is just a health tracker and not a means of socializing I figured I would go private. All I'm going to do is record how I slept and how I felt before I go to bed. Then I have the account for anything I think should be private no matter what it's about, and then my everyday public account. “Stalk” me and find it on your own or ask me for the link. :)

Decided not to get any more alcohol after the 4-pack of wine coolers didn't do anything to make me feel better. All alcohol seems to do is make me drowsy. No thanks. I suffer enough fatigue at times like when I don't sleep well. I felt okay yesterday and today. Just a little tired because I didn't sleep too great and my period is really heavy now. At least that much is a sign that I can't be too low on thyroid since low thyroid causes short, wimpy periods.

Because Tom has now been at his job for five years, he was given a little catalog of gifts to choose from and he chose a black backpack/laptop bag that has a lot of compartments for various things.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Amberen

Unfortunately, Tom had to spend his birthday working, but early in the morning before he took off, we went to Walgreen's for some treats. Along with that, I got a box of Amberen which is said to help with both peri and menopausal symptoms. Furthermore, unlike Estroven, they say they have no side effects. Took my first dose after eating and shortly afterward I became warm and drowsy and I might have panicked had it not been for Stacey. It could have been just a coincidence. I do still feel flushed at times and sometimes I just get tired. Time will tell, but I'd rather the drowsiness than the anxiety which is sprinkled with occasional depression lately. Still worried that more of it is from my medication than the peri, but we'll eventually find this out.

I got another period today, and I'm guessing they probably won't stop until I'm 52-53.

Amberen says symptoms should be noticeably better in less than 30 days but to give it 90 days to really take effect. They have an email address as well as a number you can call to talk to someone about adjusting your regimen if you need to later on. It's expensive shit at 40 bucks a month, but I'll pay a grand a month just to keep that horrible anxiety and depression away. I'd sell everything I have and I just might even return to a horribly cold, snowy climate, that's how awful a feeling it is. Feeling great so far. :)

I also got another "dancing flower." One of those plastic flowers in a plastic flower pot that has a little solar panel on it. Light hitting it makes the flowers dance. Love these things! I got one at the dollar store a while back with purple flowers in a square pink "box." The one I got last night cost $3 and has a large pink flower with two large leaves in a round red pot with white polka dots.

Finally managed to set up two additional Twitter accounts, so now I have a total of three. One has my real name and that will be for regular everyday things, but the other two are in names I randomly drew from a random name generator site. "Nora's" will be for private things and is therefore private and will not accept any follow requests. "Chelsea" will be to document my health and emotions and I left that one public. This way things are better organized and it makes it easier to use as a reference when I want to look something up.

Had another Rosemarie dream last night. We met at some kind of function somewhere. Both of us seemed to know who the other was and we didn't seem to harbor any hard feelings toward each other either. I'm not sure if I was alone at the function or not, but we eventually agreed that I would go with her to someplace. I offered to give her a little gas money and she declined, saying that I could just buy her something to eat instead. I said that would be no problem, not at all fearing that she might have ill intentions in mind or anything like that.

In the next part of the dream Tom, Rosemarie, someone Rosemarie knew, and I were all at the restaurant. We sat in a booth that formed a half-moon with she and I being close to the isle. I was looking good that night and I knew it. I wore one of my most flattering dresses that enhanced my exercise-lifted chest and slimmed my waist. My hair and makeup were done to perfection and I noticed her noticing me even though I pretended not to. During the conversation, it kept coming out that I was "smart" in various ways which I was both pleased and annoyed by. I was pleased that it seemed to impress Rosemarie, who was just as beautiful as she was years ago, but annoyed because I don't like to let on that I know some things I know because it may be easier to use to my advantage in the future if need be. Despite feeling somewhat flattered I didn't seem to have any desire to pursue a friendship with Rosemarie.

Happy 60th Birthday to My Dear Hubby!


Happy 60th birthday to my husband! Even though age is just a number and he’s very healthy, healthier than me despite my being fitter, there's a sense of sadness that comes with the 34-year-old man I met in 1993 entering his 60s.

Tried to create another Twitter account just to document my health, but it wouldn't let me. I tried in two different browsers with two different email addresses.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Bipolar Hormones & Rainbow Lamps

Felt better yesterday, and so far so good today. The anxiety started to bubble up and my stomach went on the fritz, which may have been due to the fruit I ate yesterday, but after a few pieces of tryptophan-laden Turkey and a few swallows of wine, followed by a 10-minute walk, I felt better. I even managed to kick the same pine cone all the way down the street, LOL.

 Not really sure the alcohol helps, though, so I probably won’t get it again. I only drank in Hawaii because the drinks were free. Otherwise, I’ve never found pleasure in drinking like many people do.

 Hopefully, my “bipolar” hormones will give me a break for a while. On top of perimenopause and a medication that’s not at all anxiety-friendly (though I skipped today), I’ve definitely got my PMS on.

 I’ll totally slap the crap out of the next person that calls someone a “wimp” or “coward” for committing suicide. I may not feel like ending it all at the moment, but I can totally see how some people do this simply to end their pain. Is it really cowardly to want to end your suffering be it physically or emotionally? Especially when it’s more than obvious that no matter how many times you see the doctor, they’re not going to do you much good, and your options are limited due to side effects and other things. I’d love to take BC, for example, but can’t cuz of my fucking cholesterol. It seems, however, that people are always quick to judge unless they know firsthand what it’s like. The way Andy said he didn’t feel bad for Robin Williams for “choosing” to throw it all away when he had it all was both shocking and sad. I was surprised that he of all people would be that ignorant and stupid. Common sense should tell a person that no one kills themselves because they’re tired of having it all. He had Parkinson’s disease, and that and his medication made him depressed. If we were still friends he would defend himself by saying that was simply his opinion. Yeah, but there’s a difference between having an opinion and being incorrect. To say I look good or bad with long hair is an opinion. To say I’m tall is an incorrect statement.

I’m just going through a natural part of life and I have to wait it out, hope it ends soon enough, and that nothing else “broke” in my brain a few years ago. I’ve had so many tests done, though. It’s GOT to be the peri, and again, certain meds can fuel the effects.

 Right now I’m not feeling much of anything. I’m not anxious, calm or depressed. As I told Tammy, I still get a lot more anxious than depressed. If I get depressed it’s usually only because I got anxious.

 I know it’s important to stay positive but the longer this goes on the harder it is to tell myself that everything is going to be okay and that my hormones will eventually stabilize. Until I’ve gone half a year without anxiety, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.

 I wonder if it’s worth picking up a bottle of that Evening Primrose Stacey said she takes. It’s just that with my shit luck I’d have side effects. I also don’t want to do anything that could risk throwing my sleep off again. It’s actually been way better lately. Not sure why it’s been better, but I’d like it to stay that way. I don’t even have hot flashes as much as I used to. Right now it’s just the “stabbers” that are my problem where I’ll feel random stabs of anxiety come and go in waves in the center of my chest. Occasionally this will morph into depression depending on how long it went on. I admit that sometimes I let it get bad because I hesitate to run for the lorazepam every time I start feeling a little off as I don’t want to get dependent on it. It doesn’t work as well as it used to, anyway.

 I may not be very strong emotionally, but damn am I strong physically. For a minute I worried that my steroid treatments were giving me “fake” muscle just like levothyroxine can give me “fake” fear, but Tom doesn’t think I’m absorbing nearly enough for it to do that, and my last treatment is in a few days. I would have thought that after all this time Bowflexing that I’m pretty much as strong as I’m going to get, but nope. Gotta up my weights on some exercises.

 Early in the morning, I ordered a really neat desk lamp that I got a few hours ago. The top part has three levels of lighting, and the color of the base can be adjusted.

 Thursday I’ve got Brown Sugar Crumble Donut K-cups coming. I only let myself have one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. I make a point of avoiding things that are bad for anxiety… caffeine, sugar, canned soup, whole wheat bread, etc. Foods good for anxiety are turkey, spinach, blueberries, milk, almonds, avocados, asparagus and other things.

 Started watching The Fall and it’s pretty good so far. It’s filmed in Belfast and one of the things I like about European movies and shows as opposed to the American ones is that they don’t have so much music blasting in the background. This makes it harder to hear the people talking. Besides, we’re supposed to be watching TV, not listening to music.

Got a basic plot figured for my CampNaNo project, so I have that to look forward to in a few days. I was going to set my word count at 10K, but I can do that easily. Maybe I’ll bump it up to 25K. We writers can easily tap out 1000-5000 words a day.

 Oh fuck. Not again with the firecrackers 8 days in advance! Why can’t Independence Day be in the winter when it’s too cold to be out doing this shit? I swear people will do anything to get attention and make a show of themselves.

 In my dreams last night Tammy went to Japan, I got it on with my old doctor, and a young Justin Bieber was annoying the shit out of me on a bus with a bright flashlight he was shining in my eyes.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Cleansed

Always open to possible home jobs, I wonder why there aren't more jobs helping the police catch online child pervies or something like that. But I guess certain things border too close to entrapment, and well, I’m not keen on the idea of helping or supporting the police anyway. Not with the way so many of them use and abuse the law. In many ways, they can be just as shady as drug dealers.

Anyway, I really wish I would hear from some of my Facebook friends a little more often. Other sites I don't care, but on Facebook, I don't like people sitting on my friend list that I don't interact with. Or that don't interact with me. I don't expect people to "like" or comment on everything I post, which isn't much to begin with, but it would be nice to hear from them once a month instead of me always "liking" or commenting on their stuff. Why add someone if you're not going to interact with them at least every now and then?

I try to keep my friend count as low as possible and limited to just those who want to be a regular part of my life so it's easier to customize posts by not having as many names to go through. Every so often I do a little housekeeping and weed out the "deadbeats." It's just that if they happen to notice they've been deleted, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they really wanted to remain connected for some reason. It's just that if I don't hear from them, what am I supposed to think? LOL, common complaint by Facebook users. If it weren't for a few special people I wouldn't even bother with the site, and I don't even follow these people, to be honest. I mostly use the site for messaging and group photos. Not my own group, which is still archived, but photos posted by other groups.

Anyway, I'm going to take a little more time to decide who should stay and who should go.

Although I’m feeling a little better today, I’m still spending more time than I’d like struggling to get my emotions to match my life. I totally get it now. All those people that seemed to have it all that would act so miserable, and that I was quick to write off as spoiled, ungrateful little drama queens/kings which simply couldn’t be satisfied. But now I know that sometimes our hormones simply don’t give a shit what’s going on in our lives. I may have a bit of a stagnant life at times, but I otherwise have a very good life many may envy. Yet I have felt nearly every negative emotion known to humankind for most of the month of June. So much for being my favorite month of the year. Never would I have thought that my own mind and body could turn on me like this and drive me absolutely batshit crazy. What’s a little scary is that now I’m getting depressed more often on top of anxious. I’m PMSing now too, but it remains to be seen if I get a period to go with this PMS. I’m sure I will, I just wasn’t counting on that until August.

Our top two guesses for what I’m going through is still a combination of my medication and perimenopause, though we cleansed the house with sage early in the morning just in case. Still don’t know if I believe in spirits or demons, but maybe negative energy that’s accumulated over time has a part in things. The people that had to leave this place before didn’t leave because they wanted to, but because they got old. That right there could leave behind some negative energy, even if it might have taken a year for it to catch up to me. So while I still say God is just a coping method people created to help them get through life (along with a weapon to threaten and control others), and spirits of loved ones is just their way of being unable to let go, I admit that without scientific proof or any first-hand experience with these things, I can’t rule out any possibility. I’m willing to try almost anything once.

Ironically the sage, which smelled horrible, went out right as he was entering the master bedroom. That's where it all started. Had my first attack in there early on the morning of July 9th.

I read an article on the telltale signs of if you’ve got spirits, demons or negative energy in your home, and I must admit that some of them struck an uncanny sense of familiarity. Like the times I’ve woken up feeling almost like I couldn’t get enough air yet my lungs didn’t feel congested or blocked in any way. Nor do I have sleep apnea.

Then there are certain sounds I’ve heard around the house, thinking Tom is getting up or walking up behind me that I wrote off to the house simply settling. I know no one actually died in the house, but I suppose negative energy is still possible.

Speaking of negative, I’ve been trying to get out of the habit of telling myself things like, “You’ll never handle this,” “You could never make it through that,” “You’re not strong enough to do this,” etc. I realized that the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m likely to believe them, thus making them true. The only positive thing I feel I can say right now, though, is that I’ve been sleeping better. I’m just trying to keep busy and not spend as much time alone. The latter is a little easier said than done, however, when you don’t drive and you have CRD.

I’m also afraid to trust people because I have been burned so many times in life. I’ve reached out to people who have actually welcomed and encouraged me to do so, only to later be accused of simply “wanting attention,” so that’s part of why I tend to keep anything negative to myself. I figure why depress or worry others along with me? Besides, it’s no one else’s business. Either way, so many people can start off seeming so wonderful, so real, so honest, so compassionate, so loyal… and then one day they’re gone. Sometimes they’ll tell you why they’re abandoning you, and sometimes they’ll just silently slip away without explanation. Sometimes a part of me deserved it as I can’t always be perfect myself, but other times I have been nothing but good and supportive and honest to certain people just to find that it didn’t mean shit in the end, and to end up cast aside like yesterday’s trash.

I drank for the first time in 3.5 years last night, but it didn’t do me any good. It was just a strawberry daiquiri wine cooler. So much for drinking my anxiety away like I’ve heard some people do. But then their anxiety may be generalized anxiety or social anxiety while mine is physiological. Perhaps it’s for the better that it didn’t help. No point in trading in one problem for another.

Tom believes that of all the different things we’re doing to help me feel better that the cleansing will help, and my body will settle into the new medication dose in about a week. As for the cleansing ritual, he was pointing out that if something is widely used it’s usually for a reason. So I guess time will tell if it helps or if they’re all just crazy and delusional. :)

Decided to give the clonidine another try so we picked up a refill. Don’t know that I’ll ever really use it, but it’s here if I change my mind.

We signed up for a 30-day trial of Office 365 Home. The only thing I don’t like about it so far is that I have to re-record my macros that automatically insert dates and times, and it wants to put a space between the first character of each paragraph. It has a mail program that Tom likes, and a lot more cloud storage than Amazon.

He put oil in the car, air in the tires, and trimmed some trees.

We went on a quick walk late last night and checked out the notice in the door of the house diagonally in the back. It was abandoned as we figured it was, probably by someone who didn’t have kids to take care of cleaning the house out and putting it on the market. There was still some stuff inside the house. Anyway, that was their second of third notices. Their space rent is lower than ours but then the woman was there a lot longer than we’ve been here. Yeah, 4 years here and 3 years as a madwoman whose life as she’d mostly known it to be seems forever lost.

I had a couple of dreams in which I was living in a rural setting. Jesse lived a few hundred feet away. In the distance, I could see men, some white and some black, milling about his place in tuxes.

A split second later an attractive black woman was in our house. Tom wasn’t home at the time. The woman told me she and Jesse just got married, and that someone had complained about their dogs. I worried they would think it was us when it wasn’t.

But then the black woman became a Latina woman with friends and family scattered about the house. Most of them were in their 20s and I didn’t know a soul. Latino music was playing that they probably didn’t know I could understand, and I was worried they would steal things.

Then I was cleaning a guinea pig’s glass aquarium, and then we lived in another place that had a long straight black driveway flanked by recently mowed lawns. Two old cars were parked to one side where we were keeping a couple of rabbits. I went to refill their water bottle which was outside the cars, making me wonder how they could drink it. Then I was worried I’d been neglecting them by underfeeding them and not giving them enough attention, so I ran into the house to fetch some carrots.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Sick & Twisted


As far as the legalized discrimination that has been allowed in four different states simply because they believe that they’re fictitious God sees gays as evil sinners, I realize yet again what a truly sick and twisted world we live in. So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), it’s perfectly okay to discriminate against those who only seek equality, but we’re supposed to be totally okay with those who have proven time and time again to be a danger to society with their bombs, machetes, their “honor” deaths, and even their vehicles?

So what if many black people are playing the race card and ruining lives more and more these days and resorting to rioting when they don’t get their way. And so what if so many Mexicans want to invade our country illegally, bring their guns and drugs with them, then jump on welfare and burden our resources.

No matter what you do, as long as you’re not attracted to the same sex then you’re all fucking wonderful. Right?

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Not That Friendly

Went swimming in the 110° heat. The people here may not be mean but they sure aren’t usually very friendly either. I guess it’s a Cali thing, as Tom says. I said hello to a woman I’d seen at the pool before and she barely acknowledged me. I also wouldn’t want someone talking my ear off non-stop either, but big cities sure don’t compare to small towns. Everyone was so friendly up in Klamath Falls. Tom and I miss many aspects of the town; just not the arctic climate.

Been feeling and sleeping okay. Sometimes the anxiety is lurking below the surface and I worry that it’s going to come to a head, but it hasn’t. I don’t expect the weekly skips to make me perfect anyway since that wasn’t the only thing causing my anxiety. It’s just that I can’t “skip” perimenopause once a week as well. Sure wish I could, though!

Not sure if I’m going to CampNano in July. I have a couple ideas but nothing too exciting.

I had a dream I was on some kind of train, but instead of the usual rows of seats there were these lounges in which the backs were up against the sides of the train. That was where you would sit, eat and sleep until you got to your destination.

Then I was in Germany hugging someone goodbye. Next, I was approached by what might have been a cyber friend of mine living in Austria. I opened my mouth to speak, but all of a sudden I couldn’t remember a word in German. She then surprised me by speaking English, saying she had been taking classes.

All is Good

My appointment with Dr. A went well. She understands that she can’t make me take the medication as recommended and that if I believe it’s the cause of some of my anxiety, as I do, then I gotta do what I gotta do to feel better. Besides, it’s not like I’m putting myself in danger. As I told her, if I’d gotten to the lab just one week earlier, I’d have given her good numbers. I skipped on the 9th, 13th and 19th, then again on Monday. From now on I will be skipping on Mondays BEFORE the anxiety has a chance to ramp up due to accumulation, and if that doesn’t alleviate the anxiety as Tom and I think it will, then we’ll re-evaluate and try something else. It’s probably a combination of the ADD, high HR and perimenopause that makes me so sensitive to levothyroxine, but as we discussed, maybe I can take it regularly after the perimenopause is at least eliminated from the equation. But even though I felt relatively calm, my HR was clocked at 100. BP was pretty good, though. Weight’s the same. I can eat all I want as long as I keep active and don’t eat for pleasure. Only when I’m hungry.

I can pull my TSH back down a little more without becoming anxious, though. That’s no problem, as I also told her. It doesn’t need to be as high as 16 to feel better. I just didn’t know it would jump that fast from just a few skips – oops. But I can get it down to about an 8. Anything lower and the anxiety bites. It is the most god-awful thing I ever experienced. No life situation or other medication has ever made me feel that bad. I’m probably already back down to 12, now that I’m getting a better idea how the doses and numbers work. My endo said it’s best to keep it under 10. I’ll get there.

Even though I figured it was no big deal that my red and white blood cell count numbers are slightly elevated, a small part of me was like, oh no, please don’t tell me I have a whole new medical problem on my hands. But she’s not worried about it. She’s just going to keep a watch on that as well as my thyroid. Again, I’m not surprised. My dreams would have warned me if there was trouble ahead.

I’m still amazed that my lipid panel was actually better. She said it’s improved but still not at their goal, and that if I ever want to try medication, let her know. LOL, no chance, lady. No one who’s ever been medically traumatized is ever going to wake up one day wanting more medication.

It’s now been about one year since I was EMDR’d. I haven’t had any panic attacks since, though I sure have come close a few times.

So back to the lab in September and December but I don’t need to see her until December. In fact, I’ll be seeing her on my 52nd birthday at 8 AM. Tom’s going to take that day off and then we’ll make a day of it doing whatever after what I hope is a quick visit.

I showed her the mild rash I have under my arms and she recommended hydrocortisone twice a day. I wasn’t sure what to treat it with so it’s nice to know that now. Most of the time I don’t notice it, though. It’s pretty mild.

Things are otherwise continuing to go well. I was counting a lot of cash in my handbag, looked at him and said, “Wow, who would’ve ever thought there would come a day when I pulled out all this money from my purse that I totally forgot I had?”

It’s mostly for anything urgent that may arise since we do most of our shopping online or with debit and credit cards.

We stopped at Raley’s on the way home for some cooked food and treated ourselves to ice cream as well. These triple-digit temps are perfect for ice cream.

So now that I got my appointment out of the way and don’t have anything until my September dental appointment, and now that my TSH isn’t under 8, I’m feeling great both emotionally and physically. Wish I could always feel this way! I want to go out for a run being so full of energy, but there’s no way I’m running in this heat. Once my schedule rolls forward a bit more I can be out real late when it’s cooler. So while I’d choose to always be on days if it were up to me, CRD does have its advantages.

That loud car is coming and going. I thought I saw a moving truck there when we were heading toward the back gate, but it could’ve been people moving into the house next to them. I can’t wait for these people to move. I just hope to hell whoever moves into the four houses that are for sale on the circle don’t have such an insanely loud vehicles.

The house diagonally from us in back appears to have been abandoned. There’s a notice in the window of the door leading to the carport. I guess they’ve got so much time before they can sell it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Elevated Red and White Blood Cells

Thanks, California, for spending 50 million dollars to ensure our illegals/immigrants continue to get their freebies while those of us who are from here struggle to pay for healthcare and so much more.

That’s what my lovely state is up to. Me… I’m going to my doctor in a couple hours for what I hope it isn’t my newest problem since I seriously can’t seem to catch a break. For many years I’ve had issues with my white blood cell count being a little elevated but this appears to be normal for me. But now my red blood cell count is slightly elevated too, so I guess that’s just one more thing I have to deal with. I don’t think it’s any big deal, though. She’ll probably just tell me something like to avoid iron supplements, which I don’t bother to take anyway. I guess iron supplements can generate more red blood cells. They can also block thyroid production along with calcium.

I guess there are a few underlying causes with varying prognoses. I found that I have some symptoms of some of the causes, but then most of us have some symptoms of just about everything anyway. Still makes me wonder about those head rushes, fatigue and shit like that which I always wrote off to perimenopause.

Trying not to worry about it, and remind myself that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, which includes making yet even more appointments. I just want a break until my September dentist appointment, and without any anxiety!

The interesting part of the results, which were posted at 10:30 last night was that my cholesterol, has actually improved. Improved! How did I manage that when I’ve eaten more meat lately and have been lazier due to the heat? It’s like I barely work out anymore. I was getting discouraged because I knew I couldn’t stick to it since I don’t feel all that great so much of the time.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

It Really Can't Wait?

Argh!!! The medical drama never ends. When my numbers still weren’t posted last night, I figured they had to be bad and that I was going to get a call about it. Well, I did. My TSH was 16. I was surprised. I expected 10-12. I just didn’t think three skips would jump me that much.

So now Dr. A wants to see me tomorrow. I explained to the medical assistant that I didn’t drive and that my husband couldn’t just randomly take time off from work, especially if it wasn’t an emergency. But then I called back and said that if she had anything from 4 o’clock on I could do that because then he doesn’t have to miss any work. She said she didn’t have anything at that time, was probably at lunch, and that she would have her call me back.

My kidney and liver function is fine, and while I know my cholesterol is high, I don’t know if it’s any worse. I did explain to the MA why my TSH was up. I don’t expect Dr. A to believe the medication has a role in the anxiety, but it’s obvious enough to me that I wouldn’t have one day become this way so late in life without it being chemically induced. The numbers could say 1000 for all I care if they’re going to make me feel better.

The fact that just a few skips can jump the numbers that much, and just a few skips can go a long way to making me feel better, proves to me even more that the problem is the medication. The thing is that the last time I skipped it was after labs and not before, so it didn’t reflect in my numbers.

With nothing life-threatening, I don’t see why we can’t keep our July 19 appointment.

I’m just so sick of this shit. Just so, so fed up with it in general. The doctors, the appointments… all of it. I’m sorry I ever went to the doctor in January 2014 after a decade of doing just fine without them.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Stronger and Weaker

I wonder why it is that when I use speech to text online, the words appear on the screen as fast as I speak them. But when I’m working in Word it sometimes prints slower than I can type.

Yesterday I had a good blood pressure reading and didn’t take it again after that. I wanted to keep those good numbers the last numbers I saw, haha.

It’s extremely hot and dry and very desert-like out there. We hit the pool yesterday, and sure enough, there were kids that weren’t supposed to be there. We’re going to go again when he gets home from work.

I’ve become more heat sensitive and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older, fatter, going through perimenopause, or not as used to it since the winters are long here. It’s probably all of the above. Just walking from the car and alongside the pool to the steps leading into the pool made me feel like I was roasting and I could feel my heart start to beat a little harder. Once I hit the water, though, I was fine. It felt sooo good! It was the perfect temperature.

We definitely toughen up in some ways and become wimps in other ways as we age. When we first parked our old RV on the land in Oregon, the damn thing could get up into the 90s while he was out looking for work and the generator was off, and I remember how horribly uncomfortable I was. But that’s just the thing… I was uncomfortable. Now I would be scared and I might even end up panicking.

Yes, trauma/PTSD can definitely strengthen you as well as weaken you. It makes certain things that once seemed like such a big deal and even scary seem like nothing. But then there are things you look back on that you once did and you know you could never do them again. Sometimes I wonder what the hell we were thinking back then. Maybe I was a little too brave in some ways. A bear could have fought its way into the RV and eaten me alive. A big cat could’ve jumped me before I even knew what hit me when I was outside the RV. A forest fire could’ve ravaged those dry woods in no time, leaving me with nowhere to run. Hunters could’ve spotted me during those one or two times a vehicle would actually go down Boar Lane and decided it would be so much more fun to rape and kill me as opposed to killing deer, elk and moose. I had absolutely no means of calling for help, and so what if I did? No one could have gotten to me for the better part of an hour anyway.

Yeah, what were we thinking? lol

So now I’m just a woman in her 50s left with a stockpile of “adventurous” memories that probably bordered on dangerous, and who’s a lot more chickenshit than she used to be. She’s smarter, but she’s no longer as brave. There’s no way in hell Tom or myself would let me be all alone in the wilderness with no one around for miles and no means of communication.

Unlike me, Tom is a native of the Sonoran Desert. In his younger days, he would run for miles during the intense heat, loving to sweat because of the cleansing sensation it gave him. He was going to ride his bike when it was really hot yesterday for the same effect till he ended up doing something else.

Okay, I get that you rid your body of toxins through your pores and all that, but I hate that yucky sweaty feeling!

He’s lost a lot of weight over the last few months.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Dreams

I was remembering Kara, a girl I knew in Arizona, and then the unwanted reminders of my parents just had to penetrate my dreams last night. Ok, can I please go a month – just one month – without reminders of anyone who ever said mean, evil things to me? Who laid a hand on me? Who allowed others to verbally, emotionally and even physically abuse me? Who threw me away in a time of need instead of offering support and being there for me? Every shitty relative, every shitty ex, every shitty fuck buddy, every shitty ex-friend, every shitty ex-neighbor and well, every shitty everything.

At least they are only in dreams and not reality, though there are a few scattered positive memories, however few and far between they may be. Like the time Dad drove up from Florida to visit when I was still living in the Northeast, and I was telling him about my voice lessons as we got into his car. Before he put the key into the ignition, he put it in front of his face and went “Aaaahhhhh… See, I’m singing on key.”

That one was funny. I’ll give him that much. But still, he allowed for so much grief in my life and I believe that biology should never be a ticket to being excused from such behavior. I wouldn’t tolerate, worship, respect or care about someone treating me poorly that wasn’t related to me, and I never saw why I should make exceptions for those who are.

Nonetheless, I was living with my parents in the dream and attending some school while working as well. I woke up to find it was after 10am and realized I’d missed class and some work. My parents were out and I knew they would be all day. I figured they’d never know as long as I didn’t mention it.

Then I took a shower and greeted my dad in the kitchen at the end of the day as he was rummaging through the refrigerator, and decided to tell him I was “bad” for oversleeping. In a hushed tone, I told him I hadn’t told mom. He just kinda went, “Mm-hm,” in acknowledgment.

Now can we please stop the parent reminders till at least the fall?

The dreams turned funny when my dear sis, who’s always there for me when the levothyroxine becomes evilthyroxine, even if there’s nothing she can do about it but listen to me whine, wanted to break into the house down the street.

We were living in the house I grew up in and we’d both been drinking every day. Not something either of us would do. That wine that went to hell yesterday would’ve been my first taste of alcohol since our Maui vacation 3.5 years ago. But we drank like fish in the dream and ran out one day. UPS was to deliver a huge case of wine for us that day. She came to my room and said she ran out and asked if I had any to hold her over till the delivery.

I said, “You’ve really gotten to like that stuff, huh? I like it, too.” But when I double-checked my closet floor, I found that I was out of wine as well.

Then she told me she wanted to break into the house down the street, pawn some valuables to buy wine till UPS arrived, then buy back their stuff and replace it before they could discover it was missing.

LOL

Back on with my busy weekend!

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Finally Got to the Lab

Tom said to ask my fellow PBers if making a mess is always fun, even if you don’t like cleaning up. I had gotten a cheap bottle of wine to take the edge off my anxiety (but now that I’m skipping my medication once a week I shouldn’t need it) and didn’t realize the stupid bottle was corked and didn’t have a regular cap. Not having anything to open it with, he made a mess gouging the cork with a large screw and a knife, eventually having to push the cork into the bottle. Damn shit splattered all over the sink and counter and parts of the floor. Plus he had bits of cork scattered about. He thought it was absolutely hilarious. I personally never found the thrill in making a mess OR cleaning it up. *rolls eyes*

At least he saved my tweezers. I ordered new tweezers and these multi-colored chalk combs that you brush through your hair to add streaks of color. Because my hair is so dark right now, I added a few scattered and subtle streaks of royal blue and it looks really good… even at my age. It’s a bit messy and not something I’ll do regularly, but as long as you don’t run your fingers through your hair, you won’t get chalk residue on your hands. But it washes right out so you’re not stuck with it for months.

Not realizing that the tweezers came in the same envelope as the chalk combs, I threw it in the recycle bin. He was able to reach in and pull them out when I realized I never received any tweezers yesterday.

Finally got to the lab this morning after two botched attempts when they suddenly changed hours and then things came up at work. They were surprisingly dead and I was in and out rather quickly. They took three vials for a full work up. Thyroid, lipid and electrolytes.

He thinks it's stress, but I'm starting to wonder if some of my lightheadedness, fatigue and that strange vibration in my head could actually be due to high blood pressure than perimenopause. We've been testing my BP regularly and it's almost always too high. So is that going to be my next medical curse? God, I hope not! I've had enough. I never would've had a go through all this anxiety, the shrinks, the therapists, the trauma and the psych meds in the first place had I just not gotten too much thyroid medication at the times I did. I understand that sometimes you can't know how things are going to affect you beforehand, but it not only pisses me off that my first two doctors refused to acknowledge the problem (though one of them finally admitted it was a factor), but now my current PCP doesn't think any of the anxiety is coming from the medication either. Well, she's dead wrong. I know my body and I know that I've never had these problems until I started this shit, and I know that when my numbers get to a certain level I start having trouble. No amount of schooling they could possibly have can enable them to know my body as well as I do and what's normal for me and what's not.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I was determined to end this vicious cycle after 3 years. I was also wrong in thinking the last time I had anxiety was in January, according to past entries. I had some trouble in March too, where I had to do some skips; just not as much trouble as I had in December.

Since skipping a few times, the anxiety has backed off. It’s a strong drug, so it only takes minor adjustments to get me comfortable. If I kept taking the medication regularly, though, I’d be in trouble again in August or September. But no matter what the number say and what the doctors want, I'm going to be smart about it this time and not let it happen again in the first place, and that means skipping once a week to every 10 days. If I can make it the rest of the year without anxiety, then yeah, I really do know a thing or two about my own damn body. :-) I think my doctor will understand in time if not right away, but again, it doesn't matter. She works for me. I can see her having a problem if I said I wanted to quit the stuff altogether, but there's no need to go to such extremes. This dose is only a wee bit too high for me. The random bouts of crying and the runs I was having are also consistent with high thyroid.

It's going to be a hot day out there today, and tomorrow we're looking forward to hitting the pool. Going to do some fun shopping too, but nothing major.

Today we change the rats' cage and just taking it easy. I'm doing a load of laundry now and hoping it's a hell of a lot quieter than it was yesterday. All week I was annoyed with landscaping sounds on an off from all around me, but yesterday was the worst. The people behind us had a bunch of trees trimmed and it took 6 hours to do it. Traffic is obnoxious enough.

Really like this new site called tinycards by duolingo. It’s a great way to quiz yourself and learn things other than just languages.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Weekly Skips

It used to be that when I would have a piece of clothing that was stained, I would wash it right away in our old top-loader and it would still be present. But now I can leave it sitting for days in our “sidewinder,” as I call these front loaders and then it comes perfectly clean. This thing is a pain in the ass to keep dry and keep laundry pods and small G-strings/ankle socks from getting trapped in the seal, but totally worth it.

Anyway, the good news is that I’m feeling a lot better, and I’m determined to keep this shit from happening every so often. It’s a vicious cycle that is beyond exhausting. Really, I’ve had it with this on and off madness and I really think the medication is indeed the main culprit versus the perimenopause. Tom thinks the medication is only about 30% or 40% of the problem, but after doing the math we decided my best bet would be to skip a dose once a week rather than wait and let it accumulate and for things to get bad again.

I don’t give a shit at this point what my numbers say or what my doctor thinks is the case. I know my own body. Skipping weekly would put me down to around 63 mcgs, which might actually be a touch too low, but it won’t make me hypo enough to hurt me in any way. I know for a fact that 50 mcgs is too low cuz after I was bumped up to 75, my hair started thickening up and growing. But 75 mcgs is simply a touch too high for me, like it or not. It’s not way high like 88s were, which is why I didn’t get as bad and I was able to bounce back in a week instead of a few months.

I’m sensitive to stimulants, which have the potential to terrorize, and I have to make adjustments until I finally hit menopause and at least omit that instigator from the equation. But I don’t expect this to happen for another year or two, so this is the way it has to be for now. If I have problems again in a few months even at the lower dose, then we’ll have to try something else. I won’t know what will help till I try it.

Meanwhile, homeopathic doctors aren’t covered by our insurance, so that’s not going to happen. I still say that if I can eliminate the main instigator, then there’s no need for homeos, shrinks, therapists or psych drugs. I just can’t keep taking this “fake fear” every so often. It’s like smoking a joint and telling yourself not to feel high. No matter how much your logic tells you you’re not in danger, the mind and body might not respond that way if it has too much thyroid hormone in it. Fear has no logic. Especially when it’s chemically produced.

I really think the perimenopause is more responsible for things like hot flashes, dizziness, sleep issues and fatigue as opposed to anxiety. I’m not saying that it’s not causing some of it; I just think it’s only causing a small part of it.

I feel really bad for the guy across from Bob and Virginia. I guess it really was serious after all. I was sitting out on the swing earlier before the direct sunlight became obnoxious, and saw Bob tending to his tomatoes, which he thinks will be ready at the end of the month. He said he saw the guy fall but he couldn’t move him because he’s so heavy. He apparently had a stroke and was really confused and all that. Confused or not, I would think that would have to be utterly terrifying.

We’re going to be in for a week of triple-digit temps, and I’m looking forward to hitting the pool this weekend. We both are.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I See Hope... I Hope


Finally, there is a light in the dark! I don’t know if it will last the rest of the day, a week, a month, or more, but I’m enjoying it while it does. After I had a horrible few hours this morning, that weird vibrating sensation in my head backed off, my anxiety and stomach issues eased up, and I began to feel like myself again. I hope it lasts!

I stepped outside and saw Virginia walking across the street toward her place. She said something about an ambulance coming.

“An ambulance for who?” I asked, worried that something was wrong with Bob. But it was the guy across from her. We’ve exchanged hellos but I don’t know his name. Pretty sure Tom chatted with him once, too.

Then she said something about him being ok, so I don’t know if they took him away. It was then that I saw Bob walking across the street and waiting outside while the paramedics tended to the guy inside. We waved to each other.

So I let the rats out and after a while, Dumbo comes screaming out of one of their tents, apparently bullied by Burke. Burkey boy loves to let the others know that he’s king.

Finally a good Taylor Swift song. I never liked any of the squinty, cat-eyed and almost snobbish looking singer’s songs, but Out of the Woods is a good one.

Started watching The Returned on Netflix and it’s okay so far.

Not as many motorcycles as I expected to be hearing, but they are picking up a bit. So are the temperatures. We’re going to be in for some triple-digit temps, so we’re hoping to go for a swim this weekend.

"Neck Knockers" and "Homeos"

Happy 23rd Anniversary to us!!! Unfortunately, he has to work and I’m still not feeling the greatest. I didn’t actually start getting “stabbed” in the chest with anxiety until eight hours into my day yesterday. Five hours of anxiety might still be a bit much (it stopped around the time he came home, not surprisingly), but it’s better than feeling it all day long like I sometimes do. Right now I’m just borderline where it’s kind of bubbling below the surface and I’m doing what I can to keep it from rearing its ugly head… EFT, eating foods with tryptophan, deep breathing, etc.

I slept a little longer last night but I’m a touch tired if only because anxiety is tiring. We’re pretty sure that the “neck knockers” where I sometimes feel the pulse in the side of my neck and some of the head rushes could be due to high blood pressure. We took my BP when I got up and the top number was 157. But then I took some deep breaths and brought it down to around 130. I don’t normally have high blood pressure. We think it’s just up because my anxiety is up. I always knew there was a connection with those neck knockers, inward trembling and shit like that.

We’re still researching homeos (homeopathic doctors and if anyone has any experiences, opinions or advice for me, feel free to share it. :-) The question will be finding one that our insurance covers in a country that doesn’t believe in universal healthcare. I definitely don’t want to pay out-of-pocket for it with no guarantees. If I knew for sure that it would help, then yes, I’d give our life savings and just about anything else. Never before in my life have my emotions not matched my life. Anytime I would be stressed out or depressed in the past it was because something bad was going on. All this hormonal shit didn’t exist before a few years ago, and where I’ve always looked ahead and sometimes wished I could jump the hands of time into the future, now I wish I could rewind it back to early 2014.

I have a great life with a great husband and it’s sad that I can’t enjoy it to its fullest. My worst problem should be all the traffic and landscaping noise I have to listen to. That should be my worst problem. Not feeling so incredibly hated from above (if there is anything up there) and like I’m not going to survive much longer. We all have our breaking points.

A part of me regrets stopping the clonidine because of the way it would knock me out and make me sleep shitty. I think that was the better form of torture than feeling anxious.

Later...

Had to stop writing because… you guessed it. That strange vibration in my head picked up right along with my anxiety and a weak feeling in my legs, and then I got to spend some quality time on the toilet again with the runs. Not sure what’s causing what, and I suppose the runs could’ve been something I ate if not from anxiety, but it’s getting hard to believe Tom’s assurances. He keeps assuring me I don’t have anything life-threatening, and while the tests I’ve had confirms this, I can’t help but wonder how the hell one can feel so bad and not be dying. Seriously, you feel like you’re about to die.

I sat on the swing in front when I felt the worst. This helped me feel a little better but the sunlight was blinding so I came back in and just rested for a while, trying not to wonder if this is the last anniversary we’ll ever have. Yeah, you know that thing about positive thinking? It doesn’t work very well when you’ve felt like utter shit for half a month.

All the rats are looking at me like WTF? I feel too shitty for high maintenance animals that are a lot of work and responsibility, but even so, I should go give them some attention. At least let them run around a bit. Despite having a cage so big I could nearly stand inside of it, these dog-like creatures are freedom whores.

Just spilled incense ashes all over my desk. I’ve gone from anxious to pissed. I love it.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Ear

Hey there. :-) I know I haven't been very consistent with my journaling lately, but I had some really rough days and I thought my entries would be too depressing and even worrisome for some people. The day before yesterday I woke up super dizzy and that was when we realized that I had wax in my ear. So we started treating that right away and the dizziness backed off, which I was grateful for. Still have some inward trembling - that "buzzing" sensation in my head - and lightheadedness at times, and of course the worst symptom of all... anxiety.

Because I skipped my thyroid meds for a total of three days, the anxiety has backed off little. It has been one of the most exhausting battles of my life and sometimes I worry it's a battle that's eventually going to break me and that I'm destined to lose, but I'm doing my best to hang in there. Definitely going to take Stacey's advice on the homeopathic doctor. I just hope it won't take too long to get in to see one.

Sometimes it's like being beaten with a bat relentlessly, hard enough to really knock the wind out of you but not quite hard enough to kill you. But then it gets so bad at times that you kind of wish it would if it won't just back off and give you your life back. I still keep hoping that someday I'll get back to my old self and it will be for more than just a few months, too.

Although tired because I was up 18 hours and only slept 5.5 hours, I feel a little more alive today. Enough to clean another section of the house and even do some Bowflex exercises.

Decided that writing a bio by pulling the highlights from my many years of journals is a bit more work than I'd like to do at the moment, so within the next few days or so I'll add a few more highlights and be done with it. Just the major events instead of things that don't really stand out in my memory.

Not much else going on. I'm just riding out my latest storm and glad that the weather is warming up again.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Flashing Eyes and Advice from Stacey

Good God, there really is always something, isn’t there? Just like past times we’ve reapplied the Return to Sender spell, things didn’t get better right away. It usually takes a week.

Meanwhile, my eyes started “flashing” and shimmering in a circular section. I’m not sure if it was in both eyes or not but I could see this flashing in a portion of my vision. This happened a while back too, and the eye doctor I mentioned it to said something about getting a headache afterward, but I didn’t. I don’t think it’s anything serious like a detached retina. I noticed slight flashing the last two days, but today it was prominent and it started so fast. My vision was normal one second and then it was flashing the next. I could see the flashing even with my eyes closed. Fortunately, it only lasted a few minutes as it slipped downward and out of my range of sight, so to speak. But yeah, it sort of collapsed downward.

My anxiety started picking up again and so I called Stacey, but we could only talk for a few minutes because a patient came in. I’ll call her some other time if I decide that yes, I want to make an appointment for sure.

I told her I almost reached my goal and was just two weeks shy of breaking a record as far as when I last had any significant anxiety. As I also told her, my life hasn’t been perfect every single day since I last saw her when I had anxiety in January, but overall life was good until this month. Did she have any advice for me?

She asked if anything happened to trigger it, and I said no, and that we still believed it was perimenopause. I told her about my visit with Doc C and how the clonidine didn’t help. She asked if I was still active and if I had anything to distract myself with. I told her I was doing the usual activities both physical and not.

Then she asked if I’d ever seen a homeopathic doctor. I haven’t, and it’s definitely something to consider despite my lack of trust in medication with me being so prone to side effects and all that. The natural herbs they use are supposed to be safer, though.

She asked what I’ve been doing to try to help my anxiety, and I told her I’ve been resorting to the usual hacks and anything else I can think of, but they don’t seem to help with this particular type of anxiety, and of course, the lorazepam no longer works. I don’t even get drowsy from the stuff anymore.

She reminded me that if I can have times where I’m not anxious, I can get back to that place again. Yes, I know this, but sometimes it’s hard to believe it will ever really happen and for more than just a few months. Maybe it really is time to consider it a homeopathic doctor. Anyone ever see one? Were they helpful?

Return to Sender

I have 17 books 8006 entries here. Some people have asked, knowing that most of us keep some things private, so now you know. :)

I can’t believe it’s almost the middle of June yet it’s 68° inside the house right now. WTF is this state coming to?

Most of the weekend was positively shitty. I didn’t start feeling better until the end of my day yesterday, around the time we reapplied the Return to Sender spell. It really does seem to help. It doesn’t make things perfect and it doesn’t mean you won’t have some bad days, but you do have more good days with this spell. I looked in my journal and found that the last time we did the spell (it takes two people to perform it) was December 31 of 2015. Things were relatively good until June when they tried to statin me, then the shit hit the fan again in the fall when they attempted to raise my levothyroxine dose.

I almost hit my goal. *Almost*. It’s very frustrating and even a bit depressing to have come so close. Since early January I’ve had a handful of days where my anxiety was borderline, but nothing major until the first of this month. I was hoping to make it until the middle of the month because then I feel like I really would have been breaking records with that and therefore making progress. It’s even been 5 months since I saw Stacey.

But then the fatigue set in, another period came, and I’ve been anxious on and off for the last 12 days.

The last two nights I slept shitty after doing better with that for nearly a week. I’ve woken up with hot flashes, inward trembling, and feeling the pulse in my neck, which I sometimes feel. Had a series of weird dreams along the way, too. I could do a whole entry just on that.

So this morning I skipped my thyroid medication a second time (it took three skips to help back the anxiety off the last time) after waking up borderline anxious, went out walking in this endless winter, then traded anxiety in for lightheadedness. After I relaxed a few minutes and had something to eat I was fine. He left for work and I did some cleaning and hit the Bowflex.

That super loud car is on its way to work now. So glad they’re working so I don’t have to listen to them come and go 50 times a day, but I feel like that house is never going to sell. I think they need to drop it under 100K.

Anyway, we’re going to reschedule with my PCP for sure. The question is whether or not I want to see Stacey. I miss her and I usually feel better after talking with her, but I really don’t know that there’s anything more she can do for me. I’m either going to continue to suffer on and off for the rest of my life, or this shit is going to stop before I do something stupid. Gosh, I hope it doesn’t come down to that! But anxiety can morph into depression. While anxiety feels worse than depression, anxious people just want to calm down whereas depressed people can end up with their thoughts turning awfully dark… without the help of Prozac.

First you get anxious, then you get frustrated that you got anxious, then you get depressed because you felt both those things, and then you get pissed because you feel powerless to do shit about it. You think if there really was a God, He’s got to be one seriously heartless asshole to allow you to continue to suffer. You wonder what you did to deserve it, along with all the other countless innocent sufferers of various kinds out there in the world. The only good in it is that it makes the good times all the more special. You appreciate the beauty of nature more than you normally would, the sound of a lovely song, and the wonder of the universe itself, minus the pain, sorrow, violence, war, hate, craziness, death and destruction.

Back to Stacey. Yeah, I miss her at times. The sound of her voice, her warm brown eyes, her intelligence…

What’s frustrating and sometimes even scary about perimenopause is that the anxiety can come and go in a split second, as can other symptoms. Before I finish typing this sentence I could be anxious all over again. Or maybe I’ll be dizzy by the time I finished the entire entry. You just never know. You’re pretty much at its mercy. But everything I’ve taken for it has either quit working or backfired on me, so I’m trying to tough it out with natural remedies. Right now I feel okay and all I can do is hope that it’s for more than just a little while.

Okay, so let me get to the dreams, and yes, Stacey was in a few no doubt because she’s been on my mind. My old endo popped into my dreams too, LOL.

Doc O was in a small room (her office?) mumbling to herself that she was worried about being recognized somewhere.

Finding it hard to believe she would be the type to straighten her curly hair, and never having seen her with makeup I said, “So change your appearance.”

“In a half hour?” she asked doubtfully.

“Or less,” I said with a confident nod. Then I pulled my hair straightening brush from my handbag as well as a makeup palette, ready to give her a makeover.

Then I met Stacey somewhere in a long corridor. She was still short and skinny but her hair was a few inches below her shoulders.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked as I began to follow her.

“To the dance rehearsal for the dance contest,” she said.

So I followed her into this auditorium and watched a few dancers go through some dance routines.

Stacey then said, “I think you can win. Think you can do these moves?”

“I don’t know if I can win, and a couple of them seem a bit intricate, but yeah, I think I can do it with some practice.”

I watched them for a while so I would learn the routines, and then I was suddenly in bed with Stacey. No, not doing what you might think we were doing. The room was dark and she was sound asleep beside me.

Then I got up and watched a video I didn’t know someone had made of us sitting in a booth in a restaurant. My hair was only to my shoulders and I thought I looked both fat and old, but I didn’t care. Instead, I wondered who the hell made the video.

Then I was in a dark room sitting at a small rectangular table. The room was silent but I was aware that the person sitting across from me and next to me, whoever they were, was well aware of me. I pushed some papers around that sat on the table.

The rest of the dreams I remember are just fragments of things… lying on a bed with a backache in a dark room. Walking down a long corridor in a building and spotting a cat. Some apartment manager showing me wallpaper options for an apartment. People camping by a road. Someone telling me I looked sad. A girl running really fast to catch a bus.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Progressively Better


I skipped my meds yesterday and felt progressively better throughout the day. Once again I’m wondering if my anxiety is more due to accumulation than perimenopause. I may have to skip a few doses every few months for the rest of my life. On the positive side, I’ve been sleeping better for nearly a week now and I’m feeling less fatigue. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to see Stacey again.

Continuing on with Thursday… I didn’t call Tammy just because I was anxious but also because I wanted to find out what was wrong with her. I had a few quick dreams where you don’t remember what happened but that was enough to tell you something’s up. I also sensed it while awake. Well, fortunately, her heart is doing okay, but she still struggles with pain, is unable to walk very far, and she went back to smoking. I could tell a soon as I heard her voice and that smoker’s cough. But if she can quit once, she can do it again.

She’d gotten up early to bring Mark to the airport. He flew to Ohio to visit family. I asked if she ever got lonely and she said no. The girls were over for dinner, plus she’s got friends. That’s where she and I have changed over the years. It’s hard to believe I lived alone for as long as I did. Sure I got lonely at times, but for the most part, I enjoyed it and couldn’t imagine it any other way. Now I would be very lonely and even anxious if Tom went away on an overnight trip or something like that, and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. I am who I am and I always try to accept that, even when others can’t, not that anyone has ever condemned or judged me for not enjoying solitude as much as I once did. I’m just saying that I am how I am. I change what I want to change if I’m able to change it. If I can’t, then I just do my best to live with it.

She says she’s never had issues with Messenger, which is nice. But then again, if I send someone three messages and they only get two, how are they to know one didn’t make it to them? As long as she gets most of them, that’s good enough.

Every time summer tries to make its way in we have a cold spell. It was 66° and raining a couple days ago, which is almost unheard of for this time of year.

Tom and I talked about getting a couple of iPhones, but naw. I’m fine with my cheap android. Well, it may not be the cheapest on the market, but I don’t use the phone enough for it to be that important.

Like I said before, it isn’t that I actively try to forget my parents or anyone else from my past that has been abusive or negative, related or not, so much as that I would prefer not to remember and be reminded of them. Yet I can’t control my dreams. Last night’s dream was rather long and detailed and in some ways, it was kind of funny.

Tammy and I were living with our parents and we were both working in the dream. I’m always able to keep a schedule in dreams, and she’s usually in perfect health. We were sharing a room in what appeared to be a three-bedroom house. We each had a twin bed on opposite walls, and I had one rat (Burke?) in a cage I kept under the bed, which in reality would be way too small for a rat, LOL.

Then mom woke us up and I was pissed because it was only two in the morning and I didn’t have to be up for 4-5 more hours. I went downstairs to find my parents sitting at a long table with Goldie and Al as well as “Boo” and Max. None of these people are alive. Spread out a long a long table was a huge feast containing several different dishes. I was almost tempted to stop and join them, but I really wanted to get back to sleep. The thought of riding home from work on my bike after being up 16 or more hours didn’t sit well with me. So then Goldie gave me a hug and I went and found Tammy getting dressed in another room.

“This must be serious if she’s getting us up in the middle of the night,” I said to Tammy.

Tammy said, “This isn’t about anything bad going on. It’s about me needing to work an earlier shift.”

“And I had to get up too? I want my own room!” I demanded, and the dream ended with me planning to move Burkey boy and myself into the spare room.

Friday, June 9, 2017

25 Years Ago

Wow! It has now been exactly a quarter of a century since I left New England! I was a 90-pound, 26-year-old girl with great vision and that couldn’t gain weight. Can’t gain it easily now either, but I sure as hell can’t lose what I gained before going on thyroid medication either, LOL. There were two words I had yet to learn the true meaning of… insecurity and anxiety. I’ll take the insecurity that came with the poverty we went through any day over this anxiety that can sometimes border on sheer terror. Nonetheless, I learned about insecurity in 2008, and then I learned about anxiety in 2014, and you know what folks? It’s awfully hard to unlearn things at times.

So sit back, grab a cup of hot chocolate or tea, and enjoy another one of my bittersweet midnight rambles.

Okay, so I took a couple ibuprofens for my jaw arthritis, snuggled up in bed for awhile, and now I feel a little calmer. I thought about it and realized that if I stopped my meds for six months that would tell me if my anxiety was due to the meds since I can’t even go that long without having anxiety. But that still might not tell me if it were literally the meds themselves. More than likely it’s a combination of things… the perimenopause, the medication fueling it, etc.

It wouldn’t be good for me to quit for half a year either way, and I won’t. I’d probably gain a shitload of weight. I may not be able to lose either, but I stopped gaining years ago, leaving me around 30 pounds overweight. The only difference is that I’m a few inches smaller than I was just over a year ago because of the Bowflex. People think I’m between 120-130 pounds. Wrong!

So anyway, I didn’t feel great after talking to Tammy but I definitely felt better, and I’m sure celebrating our anniversary this weekend will make me feel even better. It’s on the 15th actually, but we’re going to go out to eat, plus we did a little shopping on Amazon. Then he turns 60 on the 28th. That’s a bit of a sad and scary thought even though he’s in great health and he reminds me that a number is just a number. Yeah, but his wife is 8.5 years younger, in better shape, and is supposed to live longer than men.

More to come on my chat with Tammy, so I guess I'll either do a third entry later today or do it tomorrow.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Anxious Moments

I didn’t know this but it turns out that they make this stuff that dissolves hair dye. I guess it restores it back to its natural color, which means I would have brunette sprinkled with gray. That would be great because then I wouldn’t have to wait for the shit to grow/fade out.

Now for my shitty news. I still keep hoping I can fill these journals with a lot more fluff and sunshine, but I guess life really isn't usually what we plan it. First, I thank each and every one of you for your heartfelt and enlightening comments. :-)

My anxiety was the worst yesterday. The two days before it the lorazepam at least helped a little and took the edge off of it, then I would feel even better when he got up. Not yesterday, though. Yesterday I felt progressively worse throughout my day. It came to a head about a half hour before he left for work and went on for a few hours. Again I wonder… if I hadn’t had the EMDR, would I have panicked? I sure was damn close! It was a little scary. I was going from hot to cold, my heart was pounding, my number twos were on a roll, and I was afraid to move a muscle for fear of making my heart pump even faster. Where some people find it best to keep busy when they’re anxious, I find that I not only have trouble focusing, but that can actually make it worse for me. If your heart is racing and you do something that can speed it up, you’re just adding to the problem. Even just sitting up in a chair can take more energy than when you’re lying down, so in my case, it’s best that I just lie still, take deep breaths, and wait till the storm passes. I do get up and do some things, but I do it in spurts. Exercise is said to help some people, but I think last night’s run may’ve made things worse.

Tom thinks some of this is me being anxious about going to the lab and what my numbers may be, and not just the perimenopause. We agreed I would skip my thyroid meds today because even if they’re not the cause (God, I hope my TSH hasn’t slipped too low or that I’m pocket flaring), they could at least be fueling the problem since the medication is a stimulant. Well, I’m stimulated enough, thank you, so I may skip a few doses just like I did the last time I was this anxious. Skipping a few doses every now and then can’t hurt me. It’s going a few months that could put me at risk. As I assured Tammy, who I called yesterday, I’m not going to make any drastic changes with my meds and I’m not going to quit them either.

She suggested the disease itself could make me anxious, but I think it’s unlikely because it’s treated. If that were the case I would think I would’ve felt this way pretty consistently before treatment when my TSH was up in the 30s. The problem is that there are numerous things that cause the same symptoms. I’m anxious and I’m bordering on having the runs, which points to both perimenopause and accumulation of my medication, but I’m not losing weight uncontrollably or trembling, which are also signs of being overmedicated. No lung tightness either, one of the first warning signs.

The usual hacks haven’t been helping. Not the EFT, the acupressure, etc. Sometimes I feel like something up there wants me to suffer. Like it’s really fucking funny or something. But hey, with all the innocent children out there that get abused or die of cancer, why should it care about little old me and my anxiety?

And if I could ever learn to count and my math wasn’t as shitty as my language learning ability is good, I would know that it’s been closer to 3 years and not 4. I just got the number 4 stuck in my head because next month we will have lived here for 4 years. I’ve been suffering on and off for the last 3 years (which feels like a decade), but I think it started more with them adjusting me to the medication than the perimenopause. It’s hard to gauge exactly when the perimenopause started. I think I was 48, almost 49 years old. The thought of possibly having many years to go where I’m tortured every few months makes me want to slam my fucking head in the wall so damn hard. The thing is that I can never know how much of this is related to my medication until I actually hit menopause. Then there’s my worst fear, which I try not to think about. Yeah, the ultimate fear… what if I’m destined to be this way for the rest of my life no matter what? I don’t even want to go there, but sometimes my mind wanders in that direction and goes “what iffing.”

But this shit really does have to end someday, right? Nothing lasts forever, right?

I have more to write about, but like I said, it’s best for me to do things in spurts.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Are Some Medications Really Worth It? 💊

As you know, I’ve tried a handful of different prescription medications for anxiety and high cholesterol over the last few years, most of which have caused problems. Nothing wrong with taking ibuprofen if you’ve got a headache, a toothache or period cramps, and I can certainly see taking something to prevent a life-threatening emergency. But I’m finding that most medications seem to simply be a matter of trading in one problem for another. I took statins to prevent a stroke or heart attack that may never happen just to have the sore throat from hell. I tried to curb anxiety with Prozac just to end up with suicidal thoughts. Then I tried Clonidine for that just to get knocked out, sleep shitty, and feel like I was in a fog the next day. Birth control wasn’t an option as far as hormonal therapy because of my high cholesterol, but what if it had been? How long would I have lasted on that before problems caused me to stop that, too?

Other than my thyroid meds and lorazepam when the anxiety bites, I am so done with medication unless it’s a matter of life or death! I’m not kidding when I say I’d rather not live as long and feel better, than live longer just to suffer any more than the perimenopause naturally causes me to suffer.

Deleted my Facebook page because it lost its excitement rather quickly. There were only a couple people into it, but even if there’d been a lot more, I’m more into collecting or pinning pictures than sharing them. I’m better at sharing words than images, though I do share some.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Hair, Periods & Dreams


I copy entries over to Blogger every few days, so when I do, that’s the one I’ll share to Facebook… if I remember to. Sometimes I forget or I don’t think the day’s topic will interest my Facebook friends, so I won’t always bother to share, not that today’s entry is that “interesting.”

If there was ever any doubt that dyeing the hair makes it thinner, it’s gone now. I noticed I lost a lot in the shower, plus it feels thinner in front. If only I could convince myself to cut it off and stop dyeing it. Then again, it would be easier to dye if it was shorter; it would just be thinner. Brown-black is a wee bit too dark for me, but it should fade in a week or two. Maybe I’ll wait until I have 2-3” of regrowth, take my hair no higher than my shoulders (man cuts on women aren’t for me) and cut my bangs back. Long hair may look nice, but it really is a pain in the ass and I’m tired of all the shedding hairs around here that you normally don’t notice when they're short. They love to get stuck in our robotic vacuum’s brush.

Nonetheless, my hair is in horrible condition and definitely needs to go. Will I look older and uglier with gray hair? Yes. Will my face look fatter with bangs? Yes. But comfort and ease are more important to me these days than appearance.

So, SO nice to be feeling better, even if I know it’s temporary. Yeah, yesterday was a rough day. PMS/periods during the perimenopause phase is a million times rougher than when you’re pre-perimenopausal. Insomnia and anxiety have been my best friends these last few days. I’m having an awful lot of days where I’m up longer and sleeping less, wishing for some of my old problems back that now don’t seem nearly as bad as they once did.

I had a dream that I met with my cousins Lori and Lisa somewhere. Lisa came up to greet me, stark naked, large body covered with tattoos. I knew she was making a statement… this is how I am and you better fucking accept it.

“Nice tats,” I told her, and it was true. They looked good whereas in real-life I can tolerate a small tattoo here and there, but never cared for bodies that are plastered with them. Also in real-life, if you’re a former friend or family member I haven’t heard from in a long time, that’s the way it stays.

Anyway, satisfied that she got her point across and received the approval she felt she needed, the dream ended with her slipping into a long coat-like dress.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

New Lab

I was up for about 20 hours, slept for about 6, yet was horribly tired when I got up. Determined to live my life anyway, I got up and dyed my hair brown-black. It looks so much better, but it sure is fried.

Got an appointment tomorrow at a lab we’ve never been to before at 4 PM.

With my insomnia and sleep issues so much worse, Tom suggested I not take anything at all to sleep for the next two weeks as he believes that could be part of my problem. Yeah, that’s what the neurologist said. Having 2 caffeinated cups of coffee yesterday and a Sugar Babies K-cup close to bedtime probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Last night I had a dream I was in a private hospital room. It was nighttime and dark. Every now and then a nurse would enter the room and raise the bed to chest level. What they were checking or doing, I don’t know, but I awoke right before one of the next rounds and somehow reached the lever to raise the bed so the nurse wouldn’t have to bother with it. I was lying on my side the whole time and I never moved, but I could crank my head a bit and see on some machine that my pulse was only 45. It never goes that low in real life. His does, but mine never even goes under the 60s.

Anyway, when one of the nurses came into the room one time, she said something about how it was going to be a very warm day.