Sunday, June 25, 2017

Cleansed

Always open to possible home jobs, I wonder why there isn’t more jobs helping the police catch online child pervies or something like that. But I guess certain things border too close to entrapment, and well, I’m not keen on the idea of helping or supporting the police anyway. Not with the way so many of them use an abuse the law. In many ways they can be just as shady as drug dealers.

Anyway, I really wish I would hear from some of my Facebook friends a little more often. Other sites I don't care, but on Facebook I don't like people sitting on my friend list that I don't interact with. Or that don't interact with me. I don't expect people to "like" or comment on everything I post, which isn't much to begin with, but it would be nice to hear from them once a month instead of me always "liking" or commenting on their stuff. Why add someone if you're not going to interact with them at least every now and then?

I try to keep my friend count as low as possible and limited to just those who want to be a regular part of my life so it's easier to customize posts by not having as many names to go through. Every so often I do a little housekeeping and weed out the "deadbeats." It's just that if they happen to notice they've been deleted, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if they really wanted to remain connected for some reason. It's just that if I don't hear from them, what am I supposed to think? LOL, common complaint by Facebook users. If it weren't for a few special people I wouldn't even bother with the site, and I don't even follow these people to be honest. I mostly use the site for messaging and group photos. Not my own group, which is still archived, but photos posted by other groups.

Anyway, I'm going to take a little more time to decide who should stay and who should go.

Although I’m feeling a little better today, I’m still spending more time than I’d like struggling to get my emotions to match my life. I totally get it now. All those people that seemed to have it all that would act so miserable, and that I was quick to write off as spoiled, ungrateful little drama queens/kings which simply couldn’t be satisfied. But now I know that sometimes our hormones simply don’t give a shit what’s going on in our lives. I may have a bit of a stagnant life at times, but I otherwise have a very good life many may envy. Yet I have felt nearly every negative emotion known to humankind for most of the month of June. So much for being my favorite month of the year. Never would I have thought that my own mind and body could turn on me like this and drive me absolutely batshit crazy. What’s a little scary is that now I’m getting depressed more often on top of anxious. I’m PMSing now too, but it remains to be seen if I get a period to go with this PMS. I’m sure I will, I just wasn’t counting on that until August.

Our top two guesses for what I’m going through is still a combination of my medication and perimenopause, though we cleansed the house with sage early in the morning just in case. Still don’t know if I believe in spirits or demons, but maybe negative energy that’s accumulated over time has a part in things. The people that had to leave this place before didn’t leave because they wanted to, but because they got old. That right there could leave behind some negative energy, even if it might have taken a year for it to catch up to me. So while I still say God is just a coping method people created to help them get through life (along with a weapon to threaten and control others), and spirits of loved ones is just their way of being unable to let go, I admit that without scientific proof or any first-hand experience with these things, I can’t rule out any possibility. I’m willing to try almost anything once.

Ironically the sage, which smelled horrible, went out right as he was entering the master bedroom. That's where it all started. Had my first attack in there early on the morning of July 9th.

I read an article on the telltale signs of if you’ve got spirits, demons or negative energy in your home, and I must admit that some of them struck an uncanny sense of familiarity. Like the times I’ve woken up feeling almost like I couldn’t get enough air yet my lungs didn’t feel congested or blocked in any way. Nor do I have sleep apnea.

Then there are certain sounds I’ve heard around the house, thinking Tom is getting up or walking up behind me that I wrote off to the house simply settling. I know no one actually died in the house, but I suppose negative energy is still possible.

Speaking of negative, I’ve been trying to get out of the habit of telling myself things like, “You’ll never handle this,” “You could never make it through that,” “You’re not strong enough to do this,” etc. I realized that the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m likely to believe them, thus making them true. The only positive thing I feel I can say right now, though, is that I’ve been sleeping better. I’m just trying to keep busy and not spend as much time alone. The latter is a little easier said than done, however, when you don’t drive and you have CRD.

I’m also afraid to trust people because I have been burned so many times in life. I’ve reached out to people who have actually welcomed and encouraged me to do so, only to later be accused of simply “wanting attention,” so that’s part of why I tend to keep anything negative to myself. I figure why depress or worry others along with me? Besides, it’s no one else’s business. Either way, so many people can start off seeming so wonderful, so real, so honest, so compassionate, so loyal… and then one day they’re gone. Sometimes they’ll tell you why they’re abandoning you, and sometimes they’ll just silently slip away without explanation. Sometimes a part of me deserved it as I can’t always be perfect myself, but other times I have been nothing but good and supportive and honest to certain people just to find that it didn’t mean shit in the end, and to end up cast aside like yesterday’s trash.

I drank for the first time in 3.5 years last night, but it didn’t do me any good. It was just a strawberry daiquiri wine cooler. So much for drinking my anxiety away like I’ve heard some people do. But then their anxiety may be generalized anxiety or social anxiety while mine is physiological. Perhaps it’s for the better that it didn’t help. No point in trading in one problem for another.

Tom believes that of all the different things we’re doing to help me feel better that the cleansing will help, and my body will settle into the new medication dose in about a week. As for the cleansing ritual, he was pointing out that if something is widely used it’s usually for a reason. So I guess time will tell if it helps or if they’re all just crazy and delusional. :)

Decided to give the clonidine another try so we picked up a refill. Don’t know that I’ll ever really use it, but it’s here if I change my mind.

We signed up for a 30-day trial of Office 365 Home. The only thing I don’t like about it so far is that I have to re-record my macros that automatically insert dates and times, and it wants to put a space between the first character of each paragraph. It has a mail program that Tom likes, and a lot more cloud storage than Amazon.

He put oil in the car, air in the tires, and trimmed some trees.

We went on a quick walk late last night and checked out the notice in the door of the house diagonally in back. It was abandoned as we figured it was, probably by someone who didn’t have kids to take care of cleaning the house out and putting it on the market. There was still some stuff inside the house. Anyway, that was their second of third notices. Their space rent is lower than ours but then the woman was there a lot longer than we’ve been here. Yeah, 4 years here and 3 years as a madwoman whose life as she’d mostly known it to be seems forever lost.

I had a couple of dreams in which I was living in a rural setting. Jesse lived a few hundred feet away. In the distance I could see men, some white and some black, milling about his place in tuxes.

A split second later an attractive black woman was in our house. Tom wasn’t home at the time. The woman told me she and Jesse just got married, and that someone had complained on their dogs. I worried they would think it was us when it wasn’t.

But then the black woman became a Latina woman with friends and family scattered about the house. Most of them were in their 20s and I didn’t know a soul. Latino Music was playing that they probably didn’t know I could understand, and I was worried they would steal things.

Then I was cleaning a guinea pig’s glass aquarium, and then we lived in another place that had a long straight black driveway flanked by recently mowed lawns. Two old cars were parked to one side where we were keeping a couple of rabbits. I went to refill their water bottle which was outside the cars, making me wonder how they could drink it. Then I was worried I’d been neglecting them by underfeeding them and not giving them enough attention, so I ran into the house to fetch some carrots.

2 comments:

  1. Jodi you have to be positive always. If you are feeling depressed then you should talk with someone. Love you

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    1. Still get a lot more anxiety than depression, but yeah, I'm keeping the communication going. The last two days I've felt good, but you know how it our bipolar hormones can be at this age. I just hope people are right when they say things will eventually stabilize. Let's hope so! :) Can't skip the peri once a week, but the very stimulating evilthyroxine will be skipped every Monday for a while.

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