Saturday, June 10, 2017

Progressively Better

I skipped my meds yesterday and felt progressively better throughout the day. Once again I’m wondering if my anxiety is more due to accumulation than perimenopause. I may have to skip a few doses every few months for the rest of my life. On the positive side, I’ve been sleeping better for nearly a week now and I’m feeling less fatigue. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to see Stacey again.

Continuing on with Thursday… I didn’t call Tammy just because I was anxious but also because I wanted to find out what was wrong with her. I had a few quick dreams where you don’t remember what happened but that was enough to tell you something’s up. I also sensed it while awake. Well, fortunately, her heart is doing okay, but she still struggles with pain, is unable to walk very far, and she went back to smoking. I could tell a soon as I heard her voice and that smoker’s cough. But if she can quit once, she can do it again.

She’d gotten up early to bring Mark to the airport. He flew to Ohio to visit family. I asked if she ever got lonely and she said no. The girls were over for dinner, plus she’s got friends. That’s where she and I have changed over the years. It’s hard to believe I lived alone for as long as I did. Sure I got lonely at times, but for the most part, I enjoyed it and couldn’t imagine it any other way. Now I would be very lonely and even anxious if Tom went away on an overnight trip or something like that, and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. I am who I am and I always try to accept that, even when others can’t, not that anyone has ever condemned or judged me for not enjoying solitude as much as I once did. I’m just saying that I am how I am. I change what I want to change if I’m able to change it. If I can’t, then I just do my best to live with it.

She says she’s never had issues with Messenger, which is nice. But then again, if I send someone three messages and they only get two, how are they to know one didn’t make it to them? As long as she gets most of them, that’s good enough.

Every time summer tries to make its way in we have a cold spell. It was 66° and raining a couple days ago, which is almost unheard of for this time of year.

Tom and I talked about getting a couple of iPhones, but naw. I’m fine with my cheap android. Well, it may not be the cheapest on the market, but I don’t use the phone enough for it to be that important.

Like I said before, it isn’t that I actively try to forget my parents or anyone else from my past that has been abusive or negative, related or not, so much as that I would prefer not to remember and be reminded of them. Yet I can’t control my dreams. Last night’s dream was rather long and detailed and in some ways, it was kind of funny.

Tammy and I were living with our parents and we were both working in the dream. I’m always able to keep a schedule in dreams, and she’s usually in perfect health. We were sharing a room in what appeared to be a three-bedroom house. We each had a twin bed on opposite walls, and I had one rat (Burke?) in a cage I kept under the bed, which in reality would be way too small for a rat, LOL.

Then mom woke us up and I was pissed because it was only two in the morning and I didn’t have to be up for 4-5 more hours. I went downstairs to find my parents sitting at a long table with Goldie and Al as well as “Boo” and Max. None of these people are alive. Spread out a long a long table was a huge feast containing several different dishes. I was almost tempted to stop and join them, but I really wanted to get back to sleep. The thought of riding home from work on my bike after being up 16 or more hours didn’t sit well with me. So then Goldie gave me a hug and I went and found Tammy getting dressed in another room.

“This must be serious if she’s getting us up in the middle of the night,” I said to Tammy.

Tammy said, “This isn’t about anything bad going on. It’s about me needing to work an earlier shift.”

“And I had to get up too? I want my own room!” I demanded, and the dream ended with me planning to move Burkey boy and myself into the spare room.

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